My husband had an affair which he ended when I found out about it in 2002. I used to enjoy sex. In fact, he told his lover that sex was one of the more positive aspects of our relationship. Since the affair, I have gone through periods where I have been unwilling to have sex with him. The physical pleasure is still there, but the overall experience is not good. I feel like a ******. I am thinking about saying I just don't want to have sex again. We don't have a romantic relationship, and I'm not sure I want one. I just want to raise our children. I think I'm one of those peopel who just doesn't get over an affair.

Hi Confused,

I'm sorry you are here. I have no experience in this type of situation and just want to say hi and let you know that people will be around to ask questions that will get you headed in the right direction.

You aren't alone here.

Take care,
Bracha

Welcome. Well, you may be one of those people who just doesn't get over affairs. In that case you need to ask him to leave, and divorce him.

However, you have children who are depending on you to make the right decision. So I hope you will post and read here for awhile before making any changes.

What efforts did your husband make to recover? Do you feel safe in the marriage now?

I agree with Believer. Can you please give us a little more detail and answer the questions Believer asked you?

Hang in there. You've come to the right place.

I don't think he'll have another affair but he is still in love with this woman. He's told me he made a mistake and we need to move on. We've talked since Saturday when I told him that I think we need to face facts that I'm not getting over the affair and maybe we should separate. Now he wants us to talk for 10 minutes every morning and plan the week every Sunday night. I'm willing to do that. I just don't want to have sex with him.

The fact that it has been 5 years and you are still having problems (which is not your fault) suggests that you need a change in strategy.

If you are interested in this marriage recovering, perhaps a therapist could help you get past those feelings. Are you able to define for yourself what the main issues are regarding sex at this point? If so, a sex therapist might be able to help you overcome this aversion.

Divorce is also an option. Only you know if you have given this all you have to give. It is certainly not a weakness to divorce over this...but if there is a chance you want things to recover, I would explore all possible avenues before calling it quits.

How do you know he is still in love with this woman? Is there absolutely NO CONTACT between them at this point? If he is still truly in love with her after 5 years, I would divorce him.

So, a little more detail will be needed here. Please know we understand your pain and wish the best for you and hopefully your marriage.

Confused, during the periods that you were unwilling to have sex with him, were there any specific factors that motivated you to withdraw? Does the withdrawal come from external factors (things he said or did, emotional triggers, PMS, etc.) or did it come about from internal factors (resentment, anger, etc.)?

Why does it make you feel like a prostitute?

Here is a link Coping with Infidelity to an article written by Dr. Harley which addresses some of the issues that result from infidelity especially resentment as well as sexual side effects.

When my FWS is meeting my top emotional needs, my desire/need for SF increases...in a major way. I don't mean that I am more willing to meet his SF need; I mean my need for SF increases greatly (but, yes, I do want to meet his need). When FWS was not meeting my top needs, my need for SF was much lower.

So, have you two filled out the emotional needs questionnaire found on this site and identified each of your top 5 needs? Have you share with each other what your top needs are; and have you created a list of behaviors that describe what those needs look like?

The goal of fulfilling each other's top emotional needs is so that you feel romantic love for each other. It is hard for most women (in my womanly opinion) to WANT SF if they don't feel romantic love or feel romantically loved.

I suggest starting there.

You say you just want to raise your children. But then what? What do you want after they are grown? Would you like to share an empty nest with the father of your children and be passionate about each other??

It sounds like you believe this is not possible, which is why I suspect that this may be more about unmet emotional needs than not getting past an affair.

His #1 need is admiration, and his #2 need is sexual fulfillment. My #1 need is openess and honesty, and my #2 need is affection. Before the affair, I told him that I was starved for affection (my exact words), and he told me that he could only be affectionate if we had sex. Even then, he didn't show any interest in meeting my needs. He told me our sex was fine for him.

She flattered him into an affair, and he was affectionate with her. Very passionate. Great. He gave to some other woman what I needed. Now I despise him. I'm not going to meet his need for admiration because I have nothing positive to say about him. Nothing. It seems extreme but true. He is a liar and a cheat.

When I've had sex with him, I've tried to focus on physical pleasure. That focus eventually collapses. It seems dirty.

I don't know if I want romantic love in our marriage. I feel like there are three in our marriage. He's still in love with this other woman. I'm to the point of wanting to call this woman and tell her to go ahead and call him because our marriage is over and she might as well have fun with him. That doesn't mean I'd do anything like that, but it shows how I feel that I would fantasize about telling her to go ahead, our marriage is over, please take him off my hands.

I don't want to be with him after the kids are older. I want to have as little to do with him as possible now, and I would divorce him instantly if I won the lottery.

confused,

If you're going to stay in the marriage---getting romantic love back would really help make it bearable (even fun)---and it'd also make it a safer environment for you, him, and the kids.

You've been harboring a lot of resentment, and you've given it 5 years and it probably hasn't gotten any better. Have you thought about calling the Harleys (888-639-1639) and discussing this with one of them? Would you be willing to work on the marriage with your husband?

It's not an easy path. But don't kid yourself---neither is divorce. If you're going to stay married, you might as well try to be happily married.

I understand what you are saying. There were times over the past 9 months where I thought I would NEVER EVER want to meet FWH's needs. Sometimes I felt that if he returned home, I could never again believe any affectionate word he ever said to me, could never want him to touch me, and could never believe a word he ever said to me (my #1 need is openness and honesty, too).

Can you share what you two have been doing since 2002 to rebuild a loving relationship? What steps have you taken? That might help us see where you've been in recovery. It almost sounds like you both have been stuck in the beginning all these years, which is a rather painful place to be.

I want to think about the article on resentment that graplin suggested I read. Why do I despise him today?

Five children, the guy moved in with the other woman after you found out, and you are now in recovery. I read through some of your posts. You have a different view than I do. It might help me to understand yours.

Yes, 5 children.

No, he didn't move in with OW. He moved into a condo (which she stayed overnight at sometimes...ugh!) Don't think it doesn't hurt, because it does. But I see my family together...and that is worth the pain it took to get us here. I have a FWS who is BETTER than the wonderful man I said "I do" to. It hurt so much to get here. Sometimes, I get overwhelmed with that pain still, but MY INTACT family is worth every battle I fought (and continue to fight). And my FWH is there to help me with that pain.



How can I help? I feel your pain, I really do. But you have hung in a LONG time in the midst of that pain. That tells me you truly value your family, your children's family. Wouldn't it be wonderful to be able to move past that pain into a truly loving relationship and give to your future grandchildren grandparents who love each other, who fought for THEIR family? Do you think THAT might be worth the battle?


Do

If you can tell us more about what the two of you have been doing these past few years, we may be able to help you see why and move past it.

What do you know about these things:

No Contact?
Extraordinary Precautionary Measures?
Emotional Needs?
Love Busters?
POJA and negiation?
Dealing with triggers (I sense this may be a huge issue for you still today. Is that correct?)

The above are what Jennifer helped FWH and I implement and it moved us to a wonderful place in recovery.

Is there any what the two of you (or just you) can counsel with MBers? It IS worth every penny.

In reading your posts, I was struck by how very different your reaction was to your husband's affair. You were angry and insulted. You looked at how he treated you. I, on the other hand, was devastated and compared myself unfavorably to the OW -- better educated, thinner, and younger. My mother pointed out, in a crisp manner, "an immoral woman." True. I never would have done to another woman what she did to me. How heartless. I tried to get to know her because my husband valued her friendship.

My husband has gone along with all sorts of things I have tried to get our marriage to work, but his efforts have been half-hearted and he hasn't really paid much attention to me unless I've been on the edge of separating, which is where I am today.

I'm gone now for the next several days visiting in-laws and then the kids will be out of school the whole first week of January, but your posts have given me some ideas on what is wrong here.

No Contact? I believe so. She quit her job.
Extraordinary Precautionary Measures? He has figured out that he can't have a close friendship with another woman.
Emotional Needs? He expects me to be in love with him because he supports the family. That's pretty much how he justified an affair -- because he was just a "paycheck" and he could have an affair if he continued supporting the family.
Love Busters? No independent behavior. A lot of disrespectful judgments like "That's just silly."
POJA and negiation? He more or less thinks that he can't do anything that I don't like or he's out of the house, and he's right.
Dealing with triggers (I sense this may be a huge issue for you still today. Is that correct?) Yes -- and no. For example, I tried to buy a Wii controller at a Target that was near a Cub Foods, and I stopped by there to pick up some food for tonight, and it brought back memories of taking my daughter to that Cub Foods after dance class when the affair was going on. The biggest trigger is that I just don't feel like I'm a priority to him, and I certainly didn't during and before the affair.

I am beginning to understand where you are at. I am so sorry. In your post, I could feel the pain you are experiencing. I feel you have carried this pain for way too long, and it is no wonder you are at the place you are today. It is time to move past the agony you endure day after day. It IS possible. But I know you don't believe that right now.





Yes, I was angry and insulted.

But I was also devastated and overwhelmed with grief. I felt torn apart inside by the one person I trusted more than any other.

I, too, compared myself to OW. I've always been attractive, but certainly have things I would like to change. Imagine the blow I felt when I found out OW is a freakin' MODEL!!!! How do I compete with that, I wonder. I found (and sometimes still find) myself wondering:

Was she prettier?
Was she a better mom....naw! I KNOW SHE CAN'T BEAT ME THERE!!!
Was she a better cook?
Was she a better listener?
Was she a better lover?
Was her sense of humor better?
Was she smarter?
Was she better educated?
Was her figure better?
Was she sweeter?
Was she sexier?
Was her home more welcoming and warm?
Was her hair prettier (she's blonde--gag--I'm brunette and was always proud of it!)?

I could go on and on. These thoughts pop into my mind ALL THE TIME. They have lessened just in the last 2 months we started recovery. But don't think they don't haunt me. They do. I felt as much rejection as anyone. Heck, he left me (AND OUR 5 KIDS) TWICE!!! Sometimes I think, "Wow, he must have really wanted to get rid of me to actually leave he kids just to be away from me."

These are thoughts I must battle. All BS battle them. We have to learn how to get past them. Are you interested in some ways to move past those thoughts?




I am sure that feeling your husband is half hearted about recovery is causing you grief.

Would he be willing to counsel with the Harleys? I truly believe that is the very best option to restoring love for one another.

There is so much we have learned that we could not have gained just through the books. Here's an example we were just talking about last night. Jennifer gave us very specifc dialog for sharing our Emotional Needs Questionnaire. We were NOT to give each other the questionnaires to read. If you've done these you'll know that not only do you rank your needs, you also rank your spouse's meeting of those needs. Now from a BS perspective, that could be a HUGE love buster and trigger. If we were not counseling with Jennifer, we would have just swapped questionnaires and read through what each other had to say. That would have been very hurtful to me...very.

Actually working with the Harleys could make a huge difference very quickly in the amount of pain you presently are suffering.



Did your husband send a no contact letter that you read and approved? If not, how did the A end?


There is much more to extraordinary precautions. Perhaps I can get my FWS to share some of his. These are what make it possible to begin to trust again, to feel valued as his wife.


Did you each fill out the questionnaires to truly pinpoint both of your top needs? As a BS it is hard to WANT to fulfill his needs, but as you both make the effort, you both will begin to want to meet those needs. This is where understanding your "taker" can help. Are you familiar with the "taker" and "giver" in the MB philosophy?


Are you familiar with the concept of protection? This is where each spouse agrees to protect the other from LB. LB will only withdraw love from each other. They accomplish nothing else.


But when you start implementing the POJA and negotiation, and both can be enthusiastic about decisions, you BOTH will feel more love within the relationship...which is the ultimate goal. Right?




Yes, triggers are everywhere, aren't they? Simple things. Things our spouses are clueless about.

I had one today...French toast. When FWH had moved out and then back home, he decided to make French toast for our family one morning. He was all chipper in the kitchen humming and telling the kids just how wooooonnnnddderful THIS French toast was...special bread, blah, blah. I stood there watching him, knowing in my gut that this "special" French toast had been cooked some morning for him by the ho. So when I think of French toast now, I think of her spending the night with him and fixing MY HUSBAND breakfast. How dare he make that meal for my children in my home!

So today, I'm making French toast from a recipe that my daughter and I had looked up online. One of my boys says to me, "Hey mom, that's like the French toast dad made." I adamantly said, NO! IT'S NOTHING LIKE THAT FRENCH TOAST."

You are not alone in those triggers. Jennifer gave me a way to deal with them. She explained to me what happens in my brain and body, and how to get through them. Would you like for me to share this with you?

Confused,

All of the pain I have suffered and continue to suffer as we work through recovery is worth it to me because I believe with all my heart and soul that a family restored is always best. Some families cannot be restored because one of the spouses is unwilling. But when both spouses want to recover, I believe that is best for them, their children, and future generations.

But my FWS is completely in this recovery. He has gone above and beyond what I have asked or needed. So that makes it much easier on me. He is a better husband today than he ever has been. And before the A, he was a husband worth fighting for. That's why I fought that alien wayward to get my husband back.

Is your husband willing to post here? Is he willing to counsel with the Harleys?

I'm glad that your husband turned around. Last night, I was willing to have sex with my husband for the first time in about three weeks. This morning, I felt like I had been checked off his "To Do" list. If I have sex with him, then he seems to think things are going OK.

I'm not in pain. I'm in disgust.

I am going to read your story more thoroughly before I consider next steps. At some point, disgust will lead to I'm done.

Confused,

My thread doesn't really have much on our recovery, because we are only a few months into it, and because I have avoided posting much due to a troll that often visits my & FWH's thread.

I would be happy to post here with you about the steps we have taken.

Would you consider calling the Harley's?

Believer asked:


The answers to these questions would be helpful to us.