thanks for all the advice

I'm not the best person to give advice, believe me. But, if I were in her shoes, I think the only way that I would listen to you asking me is if you did it in the nicest way possible.

Hey, I know we're in a difficult situation right now. None of this is easy and I want to make it work. I want to know that we're on the same page. I want to fully trust you and I want you to trust me. Please, if you are still talking to him, stop, for us.


I wish I'd had that situation.

thank you for the reply, I can only try, but I am so afraid of her getting all defensive about it.

thanks

Welcome TO MB.

Sorry you find yourself in this situation. I wll say you have come to the right place for advice there are many people here who can help guide you through this.

I would first suggest on reading up on Plan A. It will get you working on yourself and improving the parts of you that needs work.

I find any Text messages to another mans wife expressing interest in taking her to dinner a very red flag.It sounds like at the very least they are in a EA. I suggest you really start snooping and finding out all you can. A keylogger on your computer would be a good start. If you think they are secretly meeting gps tracking on your car will usually do the trick as well.

You need to build up your evidence and prepare it to expose it to everyone that can have a affect on them. Family,friends.workplace etc.. Needs to be one big Tsunami effect. So do your best to just do your plan A meeting her needs while snooping and finding out all you can.

Most importantly if sometime in the next few weeks she tells you "I need space please move out" DO NO LEAVE YOUR HOME. The worse thing you can do is leave your home. It will hurt you for custody of your children and it will help any affair blossom and keep on rolling right along.

I hid text messages and phone conversations from my husband, and I was indeed, having an affair. That doesn't mean that she is, but as javaeak has pointed out, it does seem that there are a handful of red flags being thrown in your direction.
I don't know the best way to go about finding the information out for yourself. I know that had I heard what I replied to you with first, when I was in the beginning stages, I'd have left the affair alone. I would have left it and walked away for good. But, that being said, your wife and I are 2 different people, and hindsight is 20 20.
Keep an eye on things, be very cautious, be very aware and know that you're not alone. I'm the the WS in my marriage, but I'm learning, day by day. I've only disclosed 5 days ago, but it's been over for more than a year. If I can answer any questions, please let me know .

thanks again

Take a deep breath and try to relax.
My husband keeps telling me that we're going to take this one day at a time and that we'll be okay. I can only tell you the same.
I'm so sorry that you're hurting. I truly am.

onegoodcop, hang around - it's quiet here at the moment because of the holidays. You need to get good advice from people who can point you in the right direction. I am sorry to say, but it is highly likely your wife is having an affair and you need to do everything you can to gather evidence. Her reaction to your questioning indicates she has something to hide.

This is a fantastic place to be. You will get help with a plan to save your marriage so don't go anywhere.

Can you get a copy of Harley's book 'Surviving an Affair'? Read everything you can on this site about Plan A.

I am terribly sorry for what you're going through. Many of us have been there. You're in the best place.

What's your gut tell you? You're here at MB so its telling you plenty, right? I first got clued in to my W's A the same way you are, suspicious text and cell phone use. My W flat out lied to my face, said things like "we're just friends" "when would I have TIME for an A? I go to work and come right home" (over lunch at her co-workers apt. was the answer to that question). She accused me of being a jealous psycho, then told me I didn't pay enough attention to her. She told me she loved me but wasn't "in love" with me and went on to list every single bad thing I'd ever done in our relationship as if it had happened YESTERDAY! Needless to say, I felt like crap and didn't know what to do. I KNEW in my gut about my W's affair months before I actually got proof, not trusting myself was probably the single biggest mistake that I made and probably allowed what was at first an Emotional Affair evolve into a full blown physical A along with a nice STD for both of us.

I don't know enough about your situation to say for sure but I pretty much believe that when things aren't known that a person should trust thier gut. Realize also that if she is in an A, she will lie to you, bold faced, ugly lies that you will want to believe, but just won't make sense.

You need to do to things if you want to save your M: 1) get proof. You're doing good with the cell tracking, DO NOT give away that source of info by telling her about it! (another mistake I made). Put a keylogger on any computer she uses regularly, consider following her or hiring a P.I. to do so. Find out as much as you can about the OM (other man). Is he married? Kids? Obviously he works with her.

Along with this you need to attempt to identify and meet all of her primary emotional needs without expecting anything from her in return (yup, it sucks even worse than it sounds!). While doing this you need to eliminate Love Busters from your retinue of behaviors. Read up about Plan A, Emotional Needs, and LoveBusters, really understand them and ask questions as this is difficult stuff and not at ALL intuitive.

You are going to become super-husband while you track down this A and kill it, if you're lucky even before it gets out of hand, but no matter what it is, you'll find it, and we'll help you kill it.

Sorry you find yourself here onegoodcop, you'll find alot of really good advice here though. Don't be afraid to ask questions and please tell us a little more about your situation.

onegoodcop - you can't "ask her without making her so defensive." She is going to be "defensive" as a way to throw you off the track and enable her to continue having an affair.

With what you have said about the text messages, her "blaming you" for financial difficulites (blaming you is a typical justifiction rationalization for having an affair), and her comments about "not loving you," I would "assess" your situation as your wife IS having an affair.

She may not be in a PA (Physical Affair) yet, but she is certainly in an EA (Emotional Affair).

There is nothing easy about breaking up an affair, but one thing you need to remember (and as a cop I'm sure you already know this), people involved in "nefarious activities" ALWAYS lie about it.

You already have "circumstantial evidence," so put on your detective cap and get "hard proof." Find out who this OM is and call him. He will likely deny anything, but you call will put him on "notice" that he IS being watched. Find out, if you can, what your wife has been telling him about you and your marriage, and that you love your wife and WILL do whatever it takes to save your marriage and your family from any intrusion by some other person.

"Problems" between husbands and wives are not unusual. But INFIDELITY is NOT the "answer" to how to "deal with" the problems.


Here, in a cold, stark, reality is the truth about most things: Change does not happen until a Crisis is first precipiated.

If your wife has a 19 year old child, neither one of you is a "spring chicken," yet this OM is about 10 years her junior. Think about the "motivations" of someone that much younger and I'm willing to bet that HE has an agenda for "being nice and providing a shoulder for her to 'unburden' herself on." He is, at best, interfering in your marriage. He is, at worst, a predator who is calculating and intent on "getting some" no matter who winds up getting hurt.

"If it belongs to someone else and I want it," that is justification enough for me to TAKE what I want no matter what anyone else thinks about it.

With respect to your daughters comments, it is obvious that your wife is talking to her as a means to "enlist" someone to enable and justify Adultery. Ask your daughter if she thinks "problems" in a marriage justify adultery.

It is not clear yet WHY your wife was "available" for you to marry her in the first place. What were the circumstances of her prior marriage, if there was a prior marriage that produced you step-child?

This is going to get very "rocky" before it has a chance to get better. Are you willing to commit to endurance and to doing what is needed in order to have a chance to recover your marriage?

God bless.

Hi Cop,


First let me tell you what I think you already know, you wouldn't be here if you didn't at the very least suspect that your wife was heading towards having an affair.

None of us here ever wanted to believe that our WS were having an affair. Many of us ignored the obvious until it was completely impossible to do so.

I am sorry but when I see the statement above, which is a no no, discussing personal information about your marriage with a person of the opposite sex, added to the text messages and cell phone calls, plus her "gaslighting."

Well, it smells like an affair. Perhaps not a PA yet, but certainly a EA.

I agree that you need to read up on Plan A and do some serious investigating to find out the extent of the affair.

Asking her anything right now is only going to get you more lies and in the worst case, cause her to take the affair further underground.

You have found a great place for support and advice, I like the rest of the folks here are just sorry that you have to be here at all.

Who

Hi Cop!

From one cop to another, DO NOT trust her when she says whatever she says.....find out for yourself. If she is trying to hide her phone or anything else from you, she is hiding something she doesn't want you to see.... ie. evidence of an affair. I consider myself nothing but a bumbling amateur on this site, but I have learned that much! If she doesn't want to share it with you, she's hiding it from you, and that's NOT a good thing.

Use all the tools in your tool box, and find out for sure what she's up to.....I did, and found out lots that I didn't want to see....but I prefer the truth to lies. The nature of the job, perhaps?

Tyk and ForeverHers have been on this board for a long time, both have posted great advice to me and countless others.....listen to them, and follow their advice!

Good luck, and welcome to MB.....

Ron

I haven't been here long, I just talk alot! Sometimes I even know what I'm talkin about too. .

I've been here nearly forever. I found this place long after my divorce was final. I haven't worked the MB program because I didn't know about it. But, you have a resource I didn't have - and it has helped many, many people!


So, read up on Love Busters!

Read up on Emotional Needs - try to figure out what HERS are and MEET THEM!

Read up on Plan A and start on that. You don't do Plan A to keep her. You do Plan A to make YOURSELF better.

Read HN/HN - order it.

Read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.

Keep your eyes and ears open. You need to figure out what is going on.

More people will be along soon.....but, this should get you started. I think I'm on the right path with this advice. If I'm not, someone with more knowledge of how to proceed will come along.

I wish I had known more about how to save my marriage.

You need to mount an intelligence operation, pardner. You've got to find out the extent of what's going on, if there is, in fact, anything happening. Click on the "Spying 101" thread in my signature area for some hints on self-help sleuthing. If your wife is going off into another room to take phone calls, etc., sounds like a strategically placed (hidden), voice-operated mini-recorder could give you loads of information. Also, if you're a cop, you should know any number of fellow law enforcement types who are moonlighting as PIs, right? If not, one or more of the detectives there should be able to point you to a PI who could do some electronic surveillance or some good old-fashioned eyeball surveillance of your wife going about her business.

Find out WHAT is going on and then you can set up a strategy to keep your marriage intact, okay?

LH

Thanks for all this advice, I am trying, It is hard, and it hurst.

It is hard, and of course it hurts. But there are lots of folks here who have been through what you are going through and have made it to the other side.

The fact that she is hiding the phone is a big red flag.
There is probably an affair. But the fact that you are seeking help EARLY is good.

It hurts.......damn, does it ever hurt! But this is no time to go soft........You are fighting, be strong, be dirty, dig into her affairs until you either know she's clean, or you know she's not......

You have the tools, use them! If your spidey sense is tinging........there's a good reason for it, i'd say!!

Listen to people here!

Dig, yes. But, if you let on that you are digging, she will be more careful to cover her trail.

You need for her to see you as the man to whom she wishes to give her heart.

Through your pain, you need to remember that.

Look this site over carefully. Along the right edge of the page you should see a small box entitled "Most Popular Links". Do you see it? Look ---------->
You need to read the information in those links. See - How to Survive Infidelity, The Most Important Emotional Needs, Summary of...Basic Concepts, Love Busters, Emotional Needs Questionnaire, and more. That box is there for YOU!