I think I posted this in the wrong thread before.


My WS had an affair with a manager she works with. She wants our marriage to work, but is still in love with this guy. She said she is still strattling the fence on this. Should I continue to be patient? Any tips?

We have four kids and this just kills me. She just moved back in with me. No intimacy of course but at least she is back. She is trying, but she is still in love with this guy. I guess I'm just reaching for answers.

If she still works with him, this needs to stop IMMEDIATELY. There can be NO recovery with continued contact.

Okie,

She will not get over the OM while continuing to work with or have any kind of contact with him.

This means she has to quit her job and have no contact with OM for life. Otherwise, your marriage can not and will not recover.

This is a no compromise requirement for recovery.

Who

That's what I thought. I know it will be tough, but if the marriage is to survive then it has to be.

I agree with the others. There has to be no contact. My husband just ended a 2 yr affair and he was very much in love with her. Last time he came home he admitted that he broke down when she called and the affair started back. He described it as being a drug, knew it was wrong but couldn't stop the addiction.

I mean she needs to leave today...no two week notice.....it needs to end now. I know it is hard...but there is no other option to help save your marriage.

The affair should also be exposed to her employer...perhaps they will fire him so your wife can remain there. Do not threaten exposure...just do it.

I have thought about this. I wonder if they will do anything about it. Although he is an asst. manager and she's an employee. I guess I should start checking into they're (Lowes) policy on this and who to contact.

Lowes would fire him immediately. I know a manager at one of those stores and they WILL not tolerate that.

Go into the store yourself and speak to the store manager and let him know this will go to a district manager level if needed.

Do it today!

Fight for your marriage at all costs.

Thanks medc. Your right about fighting for my marriage.

Okie,

Sorry you find yourself here, but you've come to the right place. You and I are also neighbors. I'm on the southside of OKC.

Not that it matters in regard to the actions you need to take but, How long has she been working there? Does she like it? I suspect moving to another store should not be to difficult?

Due to your screenname, I'll ask.. Are you military or civilian? In other words, are you required to travel or deploy much?

Welcome to MB.

-JKT

I'm civilian. Air Force veteran and private pilot. Although I haven't flown much lately. I'm a far NW OKC sider. I do work on the southside though. It probable would be good if she or he transfered. She's been there for over 10 years now. She loves her job.

Don't just have your wife transfer. Get the OM fired. There should be consequences, and though your wife is also culpable, a manager should NEVER start anything with a subordinate.

She'll be mad, but oh well.
My $.02.

Your absolutely right hth. I agree with you. I think that was one of the hardest things to swallow. That a manager would prey on an employee. I know it happens but...no excuse.

Okie, Knowing the number of Lowe's we have in the area. There are many options, and few excuses.

I'm a retired Navy flyer, still at the base.

-JKT

Hi Okie,

Welcome to MarriageBuilders. I don't know how much you've read on the site, but I hope you're working on understanding Plan A and Plan B. I would suggest that you hold off on exposing to the workplace immediately---exposure is usually done to gain a tactical advantage, and you need a plan first.

So---can you afford to give the Harley's a call for counseling? This is your single best investment for fighting this affair and restoring your marriage. Steve or Jenn will be able to work through the Plan A/B information with you, and be able to help you deal with your current situation.

Have you read "Surviving an Affair" yet? This book is a great resource. Order it.

You also mention that your wife just moved back in, and you have four kids together. Can you give us a little more marital history---how long, what was the genesis of her moving out, how old are the kids, etc...

In general---under stressful circumstances your best advice will be to sit still and do nothing---until you have a plan that you (and your wife, if she's working with you) can agree on. Dealing successfully with affairs can be counterintuitive---and your best bet will be to get some professional help.

Expose immediately. Exposure is your best tool to end an affair and bring it to light.

Sitting back and not exposing will open yourself up to more contact and a renewal of the affair. That is the type of thing that could result in terrible consequences for your marriage...a child(from her affair partner), STD or worse.

Expose the affair now...and yes, develop a plan...but do not delay exposure.

Also, if the OM is married contact his wife immediately. She does not deserve to be in the dark for a minute longer than necessary. She too can be a big help in ending the affair.

Sure k,

We've been married 17 years. The kids are 13, 11, 7 and 5 years old. I realize my reponsibility in all of this. I wasn't showing her that I truely loved her. I know now what I need to do to change me. I just want a chance. If she still has contact with him, I know it will be impossible. She moved out 4 months ago after a fight. I think she had been having an EA at that point. After she moved out it went full blown.

Your right about emotional decisions. That's why I feel so stupid sometimes. I've read two books this last week. Torn Asunder and The Five Love Languages . Both great books and helped me understand my part in this and how to change me.

Yes she already knows too. Apparently she's not handling like me. She's called my wife several times already to cuss her out.

Okie:

If you're here for MarriageBuilder help, I'll let you know that I've counseled extensively with Steve Harley (and a bit with his sister, Jenn). The advice medc is giving to 'expose immediately' isn't Marriagebuilder's general advice. It's not going to do any harm to delay this while you get some advice from the pros. I don't want to threadjack you here---but in general, you're best not to do anything with regards to a reaction or retaliation---and I'd really like to hear more about your history and what's going on before I give you any specific advice with regards to affair-busting steps.

Exposure may be appropriate at this point, but I simply can't tell that until we hear more from you.