My X informed me, on Christmas day no less, that she can't handle the kids anymore. While the oldest (17) lives with me, our two younger (8 & 6) live with her. Current arrangement is for me to have all the kids EOW and one night every week. I pay her CS.

She is suggesting that we switch. All three live with me, and she gets them once a week and EOW. In return, I would not have to pay her CS. She still would carry them on her Medical.

Small history: Me, BH, 41; Her, xWS, 42. D-Day 12-24-05. D final 8-06. SEVERAL false NC and false recovery attempts. I firmly believe she's an alcoholic and narcissistic. She has never really recovered from her A. And, albiet its on/off/on/off, she is still with OM. The kids are easily better off with me in a more stable environment.

My question is, as I consider this change, what questions should I be asking myself and what concerns are there?

Thank you.

Personally, I would ask the court for CS from her and you can cover the kids on your medical insurance.

You can always collect back CS from her if she reneges. If she drops or loses medical coverage, the kids could be in a world of hurt.

This is me. If my ex was wanting me to take over as CP; I would have my lawyer draw up the modification for her to sign. I would have it include visitation, her paying child support (with a garnishment order, if available), the insurance requirement of the state I was living in and anything else that needs to covered. Then take the signed modification to family court for the judges signature and file it with the clerk.

There are lots of considerations for you to ponder, the first of which is: Can you handle three children in your household? Your privacy goes out the door, your responsibilities would increase immensely - particularly given the ages of the kids.

But the question is, do you want them? If so, get it done quickly, while she still wants it. And she will likely need to pay you child support, as well as insurance.

Run - to get it done.

Thank you for your responses.

As this was just proposed to me yesterday, and I'm a thinker by nature, it just needed to be vetted out so that i may both discover my feelings and be aware of any thoughts that are valid but not yet my own.

I'm not at all concerned about it's effect on my personal life. I'm a great Mr. Mom -- BTDT. Taking on the additional responsibility would be good for my brain, heart and morale. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I hesitate to ask for support only because it would probably 95% for sure blow this up -- she's very much influenced by money; I believe she feels that the burden and chaos of the children (which is a product of the envionment she creates) is not worth the sum that she is given.

Yes, an ammendment to the PPlan is a must. I'll alter the one we have now to basically reflect a role reversal.

I'll have to weigh the benefits of asking for CS compared with the risk of having her change her mind, which essentially is status quo and then this becomes just more fruitless rhetoric.

I've had enough of that to last a lifetime.

I haven't been divorced myself so take this for what it's worth...

Can you get custody changed, papers drawn up and signed without mention of CS...and THEN go for CS at a later time?

That's what I would suggest as well. Have the papers drawn up with her signing over custody of the children to you, with all the same rights and responsibilities that she has had up until now. I wouldn't even worry about the CS at this point...when you go before the judge, they will likely ORDER child support (and it would be hard for her to "take it back" at that point because she's already agreed to give them up).

When I was in court for my divorce, another couple was standing before the judge and had verbally agreed to no child support - with one parent as the primary and the other parent with standard visitation. The judge allowed the custody division, but would not allow the non-custodial parent to get out of child support orders just because it was verbally agreed to. The parent has a responsibility to pay for their children, whether the other parent needs the money or not. (This was in Texas, btw)

Concur...

Take the kids ASAP...and draw up ANY agreement indicating her consent....even an "agreement to agree" on a custody agreement to be drawn up properly by lawyers would likely be effective...

Then...drag your feet on drawing it up.

The longer she leaves them with you...under these conditions (which you documented by email exchange hopefully) the less likely she can change her mind.

Then, after a couple months, there's no going back. Give her a full custody agreement giving you child support AND all tax benefits of being primary custodial parent.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering