Can you try changing up your routine? Do something different? Have a board game set up when he gets home, where you can focus on the game and not 'it'? Tickets to a high school play or basketball game, or an appointment for some massages together, or the times for the next movie printed out, stuff like that. IMO, you need some functioning time back in, some time where you guys aren't all about the R, but about two people who can do something together and just be ok with each other's company.

I have tried to do things similar to that. I have tried to get him to go to dinner, or a movie or go bowling or go away for the weekend somewhere and he always refuses. Thats why i dont know what to do anymore. I know that we desperately need some "fun" time together, but it seems like i cannot get him to do it. The only way he will do anything fun is if we are with a bunch of other people. I am just so confused and not sure what to do. He is such a wonderful person and a wonderful husband and i just need to prove to him that i can be a wonderful wife again. I just wish we could do something together.

Well Friday my husband came home and told me he needs to get away for a few days so he can get his thoughts together. This completely broke my heart. I understand why he needs to do this, but its very hard. I thought when he said he would be gone a few days that meant like 2-3 days, well yesterday he told me he wanted to make arraingments to pick up our daughter one days this week. This completely tore me apart knowing he wouldnt be coming home this week. I really do understand that he needs his space it just really scares me that if he's gone too long he will learn to live without me and I just couldnt handle that. I am just so so scared right now. I really do understand why he needs to do this, i just really miss him and want him to come home. Like I said I am just scared that he is going to realize he doesnt need me and never come home and i couldnt deal with that. I really do love him with all my heart, and I cannot imagine how deeply i have hurt him, but I dont want him giving up either. I almost feel like i have already lost him and that is just tearing me apart. This is the hardest thing I have ever went through in my entire life. I love him so very much and just pray he doesnt forget how much I love him and I hope he knows that we can make this work. I know it in my heart that if we give it a chance this can work. I really do. I just hope he knows that when he does want to come home, i am willing to "forget" this happened and move on and not talk about it and just start with a fresh clean slate. Just start all over. Its just hard to not talk to him, see him, hug him, sleep without him, anything. I just cant stand this. I miss him so very badly and I'm just terrified that he doesnt miss me at all. I couldnt stand it if we didnt get to really give this a good chance, because I know we can make this work.

Dis,

I'm very sorry to hear about your H leaving with no set time to come home...no plan on what he wants resolved. I understand your choice to believe he's not having an A...have to say, he's following a really common pattern here.

I didn't think my H had "time" for an A, either...and he did...at work. Do you have access to all his email? Please check it out...an EA is as damaging to a marriage as a PA, I promise. And time to "think" is often time to take an A to another level...where is he staying during this time?

I understand why you believe he isn't in an A...many WS's have said, "This isn't an A. I already emotionally divorced my spouse."

We really feel for you...are here for you. This isn't the "answer" to your problems...it's our way of asking you to verify The Truth (not depend on him for it), so you will know your own power, understand better your choices and to make a plan.

What I see you wanting most are steps to take...That YOU can take yourself...to save your marriage. Plans matter. You matter. Your choices are as important as his, okay?

Part of making a plan is gathering information...you're here, gathering MB information...did you go to the library to get the books? Those help...reading them is an act of love for yourself and your marriage...they can help pull your focus off him, which sets off your fear into a spiral because when you're focus is all over him, then that gives him all the power.

And he's only half of the marriage. Your half is equal.

Stop adding to your terror...get the facts of what is happening and what isn't happening right now. Have you spoken to his family about him leaving? His friends? Your family? They can help.

Your actions make your words matter. You've been doing that. What are his ENs? How have you been meeting them since Thanksgiving?

What communication arrangements have you both made for while he's gone?

Breathe, relax your body, focus your mind...you can do this. This truly is the hardest thing to get through...you're not wrong about that! And you're not alone.

LA

I really am positive he isnt having an affair. I couldnt even bring myself to snoop through his stuff if I wanted to. I respect him more than that. He is staying at his parents during this time. I think that the hardest thing about all this like you said is not knowing what the plan is. I called him a couple times yesterday and he got upset and said he might as well be at home if i am not going to let him think. I swear I'm not trying to bother him, i just want to get the facts of what is going on and i feel like he isnt giving me anything. I wish i could just get him to sit down and talk and make a plan of what is going on, what is going to happen and so on. Just because we talk doesnt me he has to come home, but i think this would be SO SO much easier if I just had a clear understanding of what is going on. Right now I'm left in the dark and it really hurts not knowing what is going on. I just want to be kept informed. I just really really wish we could just talk and get things straight and make a plan of what is going to happen in the future. He doesnt have to give me a definate date he is coming home, just a round about time, like a few days, a few weeks, whatever just I am not sitting here wondering what is going on. That is making this so much worse for me. And like i said before, i know he is hurting really bad and just needs to get his thoughts together, i just want to be kept informed of what is going on so I'm not left in the dark wondering every minute of every day what is going on.

Dis,

What is he hurting so badly from right now?

If he won't make a plan, why won't you choose to do so?

Your own plan...your request to know an estimated time limit on the separation is reasonable...not knowing your own boundaries isn't reasonable.

See, your H can "think" while he lives at home...there's no reason to separate unless he has other plans going on. Did you speak to his parents? Are you talking with your children about their feelings about his leaving?

Your respect of him is a disrespect to you...and of him, in my book. Harley says all of us are hard-wired to have A's...doesn't mean we will choose to do so. We are all capable. Usually those who truly believe they cannot do so end up doing just that...because they don't guard their weaknesses, for they believe they are invulnerable.

My DH had an A in his HEAD for a year and half before he acted on it...was part of our issues in the marriage without either of us knowing it was...because it was just fantasy in his head...where he dwelled...increasing his discontent, disconnection...affecting our marriage.

He didn't count it as an affair...as an intimacy blocker...it was. And I could have snooped and found nothing...because I can't get in his head.

You don't have to be in the dark...it's your choice. You have your own light...if he doesn't return for one month, three months, a year...what would be your limit to filing for a legal separation based on spousal abandonment?

What are you prepared to do and not do to protect your marriage? If you won't verify he's not having an affair...what will you do to protect your marital boundaries? You can ask for an appt with your H to listen to his stuff...not address, fix, erase or change his stuff...or to share your stuff. Just to listen and repeat...and you can inform him of where your limits are...how long will you be okay with not knowing? Ask him if it is his goal to get you to file for abandonment? You can even set up an MC appt and go by yourself, offering for him to join you or not.

You have lots of choices...you aren't trapped here. Your choices matter.

LA

I want so badly to be able to talk to him just to find out what is going on and how long he plans on being gone, but he seems to get so upset whenever i mention any of it, i dont want to make him even more distant. I feel like I am just stuck. I would never file for papers for marital abandonment. I really truly love him and know this can work. I could never do that. I just dont know how to approach him anymore. He seems so defensive and its killing me. I dont want to upset him, i just want to have a rational converstaion and set some time on when he will be back. I am not pushing him, I just need to know so I am not driving myself crazy. I am gonna give him some more time without brining it up of when he's coming home so maybe he wont feel so pressured, then in a couple days I will talk to him rationally and just let him know that i respect what he is doing, i just need some idea of whats going on. I cannot talk to my daughter about whats going on, she's only 2. I do know though that she misses him. She hasnt been eating or sleeping well and she just cries all the time. I just really cant talk to her about it. I just wish so badly that he would just give me some idea of whats goin on.

I'm sorry, Dis...I can't help you. You won't protect yourself or your children from marital abandonment down the road...you won't consider finding out the truth...you believe everything you do MAKES your H feel, think, believe and act something in response.

You believe you have far more power than you really do.

You aren't respecting your H's choices...his responsibility for himself, nor considering the injury he is doing to his wife, his children and himself.

His stuff kills you...and your stuff kills him. There's no respect for two separate, whole, complete beings...which you both are...you choose to see yourselves overlapping one another, the cause, control and cure for what is solely the other's.

I hope someone else will chime in with great help for you.

You are driving yourself crazy, IMO. You are reactive with co-dependency and fantasy. That's what I see. Because I remember. I wasn't in a loving marriage...I was in a power struggle...all my focus on my DH, not on MY choices, my actions, my beliefs and thoughts...separately.

I forgot your DD was 2...asking her how she feels, what she fears...that would be talking...listening to her about it. Did you share that with H's parents and him, what DD is going through right now?

I'll be following your thread...I do care about you. I respect you are choosing your life right now. I highly recommend attending Al-Anon meetings. Great place to get aligned to what you are in control of and what you are not.

As for legal separation...that protects you and your DD...so you deciding you won't even consider it at any time...sounds reactive to me...we advise many BS's to take responsibility for their finances during separation in ORDER to save their marriages...same for setting visitation...bringing REALITY to their WS. May look to you as a marriage ender...may be a marriage saver.

LA

I just wanted to say that what you have said is very hurtful. My husband really is a wonderful, trustworthy person that would never do anything like that. My husband did not abandon us. He just needed some time to think without all the pressure on him. He still is worried about his daughter, and is even picking her up tonight to keep her overnight and visit. We do still talk. I just feel so awful for how bad i have hurt him. I never realized how bad i was hurting him. I just want him to give me the opportunity to make this right and make up for what i have done. I love him with all my heart, and actually i love him more now than i ever have. I have learned a lot about myself and realized that i made a huge mistake and i took him and his love for granted. Now I cherish every little thing about him. I just went to my family doctor to be evaluated for bipolar and she said she doesnt think its anything medicine can fix right now, she wants me to see an individual counselor. She said that i am acting this way becasue of the way i was brought up and the examples that were set in front of me. She said i just need to see a counselor to help me work through that so i dont act that way anymore. I just hope he realizes how much i still love him and that i know in my heart this can still work. I know he needs his space and i respect that. All i want is for him to come home so we can get a fresh clean start on this and work towards a wonderful future together. I just wish i could show him how much i have changed and how much i love him and how much i know this can work out.

Dis,

Thank you for telling me your feelings from what I said. Are you saying you feel hurt because I said we are capable of having an A, including your DH?

I totally understand feeling more love for him now, after realizing what you've been doing that you didn't know you were doing. I get that. I felt that way when I realized how I did the same things to my DH...loving feelings rushed back in from appreciation for all he went through with me...more admiration from me to him. Only at the time, he was in an A. Maybe that's my filter I'm posting to you through. Was my experience. When he moved out. To think.

Would he agree to marital counseling? Could you set an appt up, even with him away?

My WH did...even not living at home at the time. He went to decide whether he would leave the marriage or move back in to work on it (or leave for OW). He made his goal of MC to decide...my goal was to save the marriage...because after realizing my LB's (thanks to the Harleys), I really wanted deeply to have the opportunity to be the wife I knew I could really be...working on myself...eliminating my love busters...meeting his emotional needs.

I remember.

I didn't want to be an entitled wife, who gave to get, gave tit for tat, stewed in resentment and lack of respect. For me, reading DH's journal brought his pain fully real to me...his love...his contributions...because I'd been assuming I knew all of his stuff, instead of listening to really know it.

Did you set up an appt for individual counseling (IC) yet?

LA

We went to a counselor once, and she wasnt what we wanted. I found a new one for this week, but i am not sure if he wants to go or not. That is something we will have to discuss. I am going to make the appt for my counselor tonight or in the morning, BUT I AM GOING TO DO IT. I am doing it for my husband, my daughter and myself. I agree with you. All i cant think about is all the ways i have hurt him and how he feels because of me ,and all the nice things he did for me, when i was ill, when i was having our baby, when i lost a job, just little things. He has always been so wonderful to me and i never realized how much i admire him until now. It just breaks my heart that he has been so good to me, and i have hurt him so badly.

Well Tuesday night my husband came over to pick up our daughter and told me he wants a divorce. This completely breaks my heart, because I still love him with all my heart and soul. I feel absolutely miserable for the way i have treated him and the way i have made him feel. I have destroyed my entire family. I am still so in love with him and i just pray that he takes some time to think about this. I am so scared of what is going to happen. I just cant live without him. And i know he thinks i just need to move on, but i cant, i love him. No one could ever love him the way i do. I know i have made a lot of mistakes, but i just want a chance to prove to him how much i have changed and a chance to try and make everything up to him. I know he is scared that if he gives me another chance, i will be back like i was in a while, that is NOT THE CASE. I never want to see him go through this again, i never want to see my daughter go through this again, and i never want to hurt like this again. I truely love him very very much. All i keep thinking about is all the little things we used to do. I cant even sleep at night, as soon as i close my eyes all i can picture is things about us, when we first met, when he first drove some of his race cars, when he proposed to me, when i had our daughter, when we got our marriage license, when we got married, our honeymoon, our christmas' everything just floods my mind all the time. I just cant believe how happy we used to be and how in love we were, and how i destroyed it. I just want him to give it another chance, he doesnt have to come home to do that, just give me another chance. This is something i will never get over in my entire life, i will regret this forever. I just want another chance, and i know he shouldnt give me antoher one after everything I have done, I am just praying that he can give me one more chance. I really do love him so very much. I always will for the rest of my life. I just cant imagine what my life is going to be like without him. It scares me so so so bad. I just love him so so so so so much. I know he thinks he is better off doing this because his stomach may not be in knots anymore since he has been staying with his parents, but i dont believe those knots are pressure, i belive those knots are the fact that he still has feelings for me and he is trying to suppress them. I really think this is the case. I just dont want our marriage to end this way. I just feel like he has already started a whole new life without me and that hurts so bad because I love him so very much. (and before anyone can say anything, he is not having an affair. He is a much better person than that. Please do not accuse him of that.)

Everyone please please please pray for us as much as possible that we can work this out and be a family again. Please everyone pray for us.

Did you go to MC this week?

LA

No we didn't, he didnt want to go. This is just killing me. I miss him so so much. Last night was the first time i have slept in a week, but i think its only becasue i had like 5 different dreams about him coming home. I just know he has to miss me, when he goes to sleep, when he's having dinner without me, just anything. he has to. I just really do love him very very much and i just want us to be a family again. I feel horrible for what i have done, and i just want a chance to save our marriage. He came over thursday night to drop off our daughter and it was so enjoyable, we just sat and watched tv and talked (not about the relationship, but just enjoyed each other) It felt like old times and it felt so good. I just really miss everything about him and i am just praying that we can give this marriage another chance, a chance to save our family. I really do love him very much, and i have changed and I know i will not revert back to my old ways in the future, but i dont know how to tell him that. I am just so scared. I am losing everything. I just want my family back so bad.How can i show him that there is something worth saving? I just really really miss him and love him very much. It just doesnt feel right to go to bed alone, come home to a house without him, go to the store without him, just everything. The weekends are the hardest thats when we used to spend all of our time together, its just so hard. It just hurts so bad because i still love him very very much.