OH yea, and no meeting tonight. I'm feeling OK at the moment, but DANG it, how can they have no meeting? This was to be the Beginner's Meeting, and they also have all those books that I can't seem to find anywhere else. And now my every-other-day schedule is all off whack! Grrrr

Yes, he can take the stuff. Give yourself a couple of weeks to go into Plan B, though, ok? That will give him time to get stuff out. Anything else he needs, he can notify your intermediary and you can work out the details with her/him to get the stuff to him.


Yes, that will give you more time to PREPARE and carefully think this all through.


No, it is not against the law to change your own locks on your own doors. At WORST he can get a court order to make you give him a new key, but they never go to the trouble and expense. You DO NOT want him wondering in and out of your house!! I honestly FEAR for your life because I know how violent alcoholics can be when they are drunk and ENRAGED.



Try and work something up with him this week. Make up a visitation schedule and ask him if he is agreeable to it. Ask him to take the kids OUT during his visitations because you need the quiet. This will get him in the frame of mind of taking them out. [check his demeanor for drunkeness and don't let them go with him if he has been drinking]


YES! Most emphatically. Tell them that contact with him is too painful for you and that he can only contact you in an emergency. All other contact will go through your designated intermediary.

One trick that a WS will use to get you to break your nc is to ask the kid to give you the phone. Tell the kids that you can only speak to him in an emergency and if one of the kids brings you the phone, ask them "is this an emergency?" if the WS tells him YES, ask "what is the emergency?" That will usually nip that ploy right in the bud real quick.

Another reason I think it is a good idea to wait until next week is because you will not be so emotional then. hopefully, emotions will have calmed down some by then.

you are asking GOOD QUESTIONS, Julie. Keep asking!

Perfect advice, GBT!! I agree with every word! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

OK, 2 weeks - till then just pretty much ignore him?

He wants to get stuff soon...which will be good, because in 2 weeks when I start plan B then it should all be out. That's good.

When he gets his stuff, like in the next few days, I'd prefer to not be here. I can tell him he can come by during the day. I don't think he'll steal or damage anything.

He wouldn't pick the kids up drunk. Well, I'd be SHOCKED if he did, as he's never mixed the 2. Plus they know Dad has a problem w/drinking so they'll be paying extra attention. Poor kids.

Speaking of kids, yes they miss him, but they're angry. They don't HAVE to see him if they don't want to, right? I support them...right? They can see him, as scheduled, w/help of someone else, but not if they don't want to?

I know you guys know what you're talking about. I know you've got experience to deal with this. I know there's no reason to argue w/you. But H dumped me - so I will definitely Plan B, "flip the script" if you will, but he may go very quietly...

Julie, I would just be polite to him when and if he contacts you. If he wants his stuff, let him come and get it.

Not sure about the kids. I will let some others weigh in on that who have dealt with custody. We dont you to look bad if this comes before a judge.

That's getting pretty far ahead of ourselves. I don't think it'll ever see a judge. I could be wrong, and I'm definitely sticking to my guns here no matter, but I still know H...I seriously don't think he'll let this die. It's going to be a long road, the longest ever (we've separated umpteen times - in fact, I was thinking about it today, he "does this" about once a year - usually around this time of year), but that's going to be good in the end. Once he cleans up & returns home (IF he does) our relationship will be stronger & probably more able to withstand whatever life throws at us moving forward.

Last night I was sad, struggling: kids were gone & I was alone & all these love songs were on the radio, etc. Tonight, twice I heard the song "Call Me When You're Sober" by Evanescence. Uh huh.

Julie, I hope you won't have to see a judge, but I suspect you will. I suspect you may be seperated for a time before he ever agrees to stop drinking. In that case, you may very well have to get an attorney and get a legal seperation to protect yourself.

One day at a time.

Mel, so we're clear, are you advising against anything like a Plan A? I just read up on A & B again, & I was originally thinking that since he's not in the house A wasn't possible. That doesn't necessarily seem to be true but that would be kinda like enabling, no?

So, for now, polite but not accomodating...and in 2 weeks or so, Plan B?

Julie, you got it! Polite, but NOT accommodating. DETACHED is another word I would use.

Detached you say, hmmm...that should be easy. DD/11 called last night to wish me a Happy New Year (they're at Grandma's) & said she'd called H. She said he was irritated when she told him she knew he'd left. He said to her, "OH, I thought we were going to do that (tell the kids) together"

Seriously, what planet is this man living on? He thought I was going to support his decision (to leave his family so that he could keep drinking & smoke oodles & oodles of pot every day), he thought we were going to tell the kids of this grand decision together...HUH!?

He hasn't texted me today, I suspect it's because he's angry. Me telling the kids first REALLY took away a lot of his power. In the past when we've separated he always talked to them, often at my request. I really threw him for a loop there.

And a neighbor stopped me outside today. She's old enough to be my mom but we've become friends. I told her, and she said "I kinda figured". Wow! She's lived across the street from us for 9.5 yrs but H & I both always covered it up so to hear her say she wasn't surprised was...surprising! And I guess it helped me to realize that yes, this IS a problem. I know it is anyway but you know, I keep second guessing...but if she already knew it then that's huge.

Sorry I'm rambling. Just wanted to update. Back to work tomorrow, our 9th wedding anniversary. Feeling OK about it now, hopefully I won't be going bananas.

Julie,

Yeah....that stuff is hard to hide indefinitely. Sounds like your neighbor is pretty sharp <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> You need all the real-life support that you can get....so it's good to know that you've got a friend who understands the truth.

I'll keep you my prayers tommorrow.