Dearest WW,

Letting you go and giving up half of my time with our beautiful Son are the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. I miss everything that is wonderful about our family. Especially, I miss you. I miss my best friend, my lover, my mate. I miss everything that we ever did together and I long to share all the hopes and dreams we had for our future. I want you to understand that this was never about saving face or my ego. It’s simply me trying desperately to save our marriage and keep our family intact. I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your feelings for OM possible. I foolishly pursued my career and interest without understanding my responsibility to meet your emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me most and we are now both suffering from my mistake. I have made many mistakes in the past and cannot change them. What I have been able to do is recognize those errors and I have learned from them and have taken steps to ensure that they will not happen again.

WW, I want a new and better life for us. I simply cannot do this until you agree to have no contact with OM ever again. You must know and realize the pain and suffering that I have endured because of your relationship with him. I simply cannot endure this pain anymore and for that reason I cannot see you or speak to you until you’re willing to give us a chance to build our marriage into everything we knew it to be on our wedding day. If you want to communicate about DS or any other matter, please text or leave voice mail at work.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. I simply cannot see or talk to you any longer, knowing that there will be more than just me and you. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions. I am not doing this to punish you in any way, its just that every time I see you I want to hold you and tell you I love you and do all the things that I foolishly took for granted in the past. My heart just can’t take the pain anymore. As soon as you are willing to permanently stop communicating with him, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

Please remember this is not what I want. I want you to give us the opportunity to build a new and better life for our family. I want us to be able to meet each other’s emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt one another. We need to build a new life in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you to be all those things for me also.

I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day but I need to protect myself now and protect the love that I still feel for you. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are in contact with him.

Love always,
Vladie

Bump for a few replies

mfil,

Because sentimentality is wasted on the fogged wayward....I prefer a short, business like Plan B letter....like Dr. Harley uses. Long Plan B letters tend to get weepy and mushy....plus...you want to get right to the point so she doesn't quit half-way thinkings it's just another way to make her feel guilty. You have quite a bit of repetition....so that's a place where some editting might help. Here are my suggestions.....and that's all they are....suggestions.


This is not as strong of an opening sentence as I would like....partially because you are NOT "letting go" and that's not the impression you want to give her. So:

It will be hard to be separated from you and _________. (Use your son's NAME as much as you can.


This is very sentimental, and unfortunately....she is too selfish right now to be moved by the things you miss or the dreams you had together. So:

I will miss my family, my best friend, my lover, my memories and my dreams.


You talk about this at length further down, so either move this or edit it out.


You didn't help make her feelings for OM. And if you can help it....don't use his name at all.

I apologize for my part in creating the neglect and lonliness that opened the door to an affair.


Good, but you aren't responsible for all the suffering....so ".....and we are now both suffering from the chain of events that followed.


Good What I have been able to do is recognize those errors, learn from them and take the necessary steps to ensure they don't happen again. add: [/i]I know I can be the husband you've always dreamed of.[/i]


Okay....again, this is just MHO...but I think the time to discuss your pain....is during Plan A. Plan B is to show your strength and your willingness to protect the love you have left. It's not because you're too weak to endure....but because you're too strong to be disrespected anymore.....and you know if you don't end contact....that you won't love her anymore....because she'll destroy it all. Don't make this paragraph about how you can't "take". Be clear about the fact that you will not tolerate having another man in your marriage.

So write a paragraph about that


Voice mails are going to tear you up. Email is fairly impersonal, and if you can get an intermediary....that would be even better. If she can contact you directly....she'll undermine your plan B.


This is repetitive and it doesn't present you in the best light. I do not want you to sound mushy or whiny. You're still trying to make her understand how broken you are....and she's not reachable right now.

I like this: "I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day but I need to protect myself now and protect the love that I still feel for you."

You need a sentence: Asking she honor your request for no contact of any kind.

Then end the letter with the fact that you still love her, and would prefer to be married.....and when she is willing to end contact with her affair partner forever and rebuild the marriage....you'd love to hear from her.

Hope that helps. The letter is beautiful....so are your sentiments...but I like a clear and brief PBL.

In the end....it's your call. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It looks fine to me Vladie - I am not a Plan B expert though and I am sure some other people will have some feedback for you.

Hey Starfish,

I am in Plan A and there is NO WAY WH is capable of hearing any of the pain this has caused. I did it in the beginning, it fell on deaf ears and glazed eyes.

Why do you suggest doing it then versus Plan B?

Skins

Thanks for the replies. Starfish, you have some great idea's thanks. I will just wait for a few more comments from a few others.

Thank you

Glad you steered away from the 3 page epic you wanted to do Vladie <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

As I said - I'm not a Plan B expert.

skinsgal,

Because (the theory is) in Plan A you still have a chance to fulfill <some> needs. That's when you can "confront" or expose and still have an opportunity to recoup some of the withdrawals from the love bank by making changes. Once you're going to separate and go dark....you lose the opportunity to actively meet needs.....however....without ANY lovebusters (because you're not there)....the memories of your marriage become more of a fantasy....than the reality of the affair.

skinsgal,

Also....remember....if you've done a good Plan A....then your WS has already heard the litany of your pain because you've invested alot of time already trying to get him to end the affair. As time goes on....they almost become immune. Right after d-day....your anger and pain is expected....but they tire of it quickly as they follow their selfish quest.

Ah.....

I have to say that my WH is absolutely astounded at how I handled this. I really only got upset the first night and even that was not very bad.

Mostly it has been me taking most of the responsibility for creating a place where he looked elsewhere and asking for another chance to create a new life.

He isn't budging. Stubborn man. He is so entrenched in OW and the chaotic life that it creates.

Thanks,
Skins

sg,

Yes....entrenched affairs often have to "run their course" and don't respond as well to Plan A....hence the need for Plan B. So did you find MB right away? Been in Plan A since May? I went and read some of your thread....but it's hard to tell where you are at this moment. Do you have much contact with him? Reading more....sounds like you're still in Plan A? What's your timeline? Seven months is a long Plan A....and you can get diminishing returns after a while when the contact is so sparse.

How about taking this irrelevant threadjack to Skin's own thread. Sheesh.

I hope you get some more comment Vladie.

bk....are you trying to control how somebody else posts? I made a real effort to reach out to both of these posters....what help are you offering? I realize you've got issues with me, but Vladie probably doesn't need to deal with them right now.

Vladie,

I hope some of the suggestions I made will help you and that some more of the people who've had experience with Plan B letters will weigh in too. Your letter has alot of the exact wording that's in the original letter in SAA.....so even if you change nothing....it will be just fine. I know this is a tough time for you. By the time you move to Plan B....it's because it's too painful to endure. Go out with your head up and let your calm confidence be the last thing she hears from you before you go dark.

Blessings to you. I don't want to bring any drama to your thread....so if I can be of any further help, just give me a shout.

editted for typos

Sorry BK

Star - I made no comment whatsoever about the "value" you were adding - merely that Vladie didn't need the threadjack when Skins has her own thread just a few threads down.

I do think your post to vladie was a good one - I never implied otherwise.

As to what help I have offered Vladie - I suggest you read his main thread.

Skinsgal - no worries!

Bumping for Vladie

bump for replies please!

another bump