Do you really think he's deliberately "holding on" to the hate and anger, and he could set it aside any time he wants but he just likes being mean to you?

Or do you understand that all of this hate and anger was suddenly dumped on him like 10,000 tons of manure falling out of the sky and he struggles every minute of every day to claw his way out of it before it suffocates him?

Like the other posters said, you have got to stop with the lying and the controlling and the manipulation. If you do not feel safe telling your husband the truth while alone in the home with him, Harley advocates doing so in a counselor's office or some other safe place and making it a rule to only discuss the details in the safe place - but they WILL have to be discussed if you want to keep the marriage.

Again, molly, this is the price tag of *every* affair. You cannot sidestep it -- the bill has come due and you will have to pay it, one way or another. I'm sorry this has happened to you, but you cannot escape the fact that the only person who put you here was you.

Every time we get a (F)Ws here who just can't understand what their BS is so upset about, I just want to ask, "good god, what did you THINK was going to happen??"

Please ask your BH again to come here and post. Have him make a separate thread that is only for him, just like this one is only for you, and do not post to each other's threads.

I hope he will come here. Please emphasize to him that we are not "counselors" - that the posters here are just people who have been where he is and WILL understand what he is going through in ways no counselor ever could.
Mulan

You never really answer the question of why you had the affair. You admit your marriage was good and the sex was very good. I am sure your husband cannot figure out why you did this and you have not either. You admit to him that you cheated and put his health at risk for STD's. He forgives you and during recovery you break no contact and continue to have sex with the OM for another 6 weeks. At this point your husband must have believed that he was a poor lover compared to the OM. No wonder your husband is out of his mind. Finally, even though it hurts you refuse to be completely honest about the affair with your husband by refusing to share details that he has asked for.

I wish you luck but based on your post you are still refusing to be totally honest with your husband and you had continued sexual contact during recovery (were you checked for STD's) in the past for 6 weeks. How in the world based on this could your husband ever trust you? I am sure if the roles were reversed you would be demanding details and find it almost impossible to trust again. Continuing the affair during recovery is really putting the nail on the coffin.
I think for most men if the marriage was good and the sex was very good; that a wife having a sexual affair for a year is simply beyond comprehension. By the way, by withholding information of the affair indicates to your husband that you are protecting the OM and making the OM a priority over your husband.

Molly,

The suggestion from the other couple is good. Flirting is good too. When he comes home from work, hug him. Have something on that nice, even sexy. And most of all STOP FIGHTING!!!

There should not be any arguments. When you start to feel anger, state calmly that you don't want to continue for now and walk away. By arguing you SEEM to be defending yourself and your A. What are you arguing about?


Lying?...no. Never lie. Radical honesty. Lying = D


On the subject of his anger. The most difficult emotion I have had to get rid of is the anger. Your BH is not HOLDING on to it. I'm sure he'd like nothing better than to never feel it again. It's just not that easy. And you haven't helped to give him what he has needed so he can stop feeling anger. Anger has to be worked through. When the things that anger him are in the past, it'll be possible for him to do that, BUT he's angry every time you don't answer a question, everytime you argue and defend your A and everytime you turn him down for SF. These are PRESENT insults, not past. He could probably get over your A if the continuous infractions would stop.

Work on YOU. STAY CALM. DON'T ARGUE.

Hi Molly,

If your husband has been to this site, and wouldn't mine coming back for a quick read, ask him to check out the Q&A about Recovering from Infidelity

You go read it too. You'll see how radical honesty is important, about how apologies are used to curb each other's taker---and how the lovebusters (demands, disrespectful judgements, angry outbursts) must be curbed to get on with the process of recovery.

Having my own sexually-adverse spouse, I don't ever suggest that you have sex in a situation that will actively cause loss of love for your spouse. What I would suggest is that you want to be completely honest with him, that you want to restore your marriage (including sex life) to something far surpassing that which you had in the past. That you're willing to do the work---but it'll really help if he'll join you and create a safe environment in which to begin this process.

And, of course---this is going to be easier and more likely to be successful working with a Harley. 888-639-1639.

Mollyworld,

What your husband is probably thinking is that you let the w_ore out of the bag with OM, and promptly put her away again upon being discovered. That means that OM got something you aren't letting your husband have.

At my most upset, I told my W that if she wanted to R, it was gonna start with doing exactly what she did with OM. Of course it didn't work, because I wanted her to enjoy it like she did with OM. I learned that only through controlling my emotions and borderline manipulation could I get what I wanted. My W would never have offered it as a "gift" in 1,000 years, regardless of the state of our M. She would've simply avoided certain things, as if they didn't exist, indefinitely.

I understand that you may not feel like being intimate with your H for a variety of reasons...his anger, your guilt, etc...but if you make him meet conditions 'A' 'B' and 'C' before he gets something he wants, the resentment towards you may still be there even after he does get it.

After all, I doubt OM had to meet conditions 'A' 'B' and 'C'. He probably didn't have to assemble an incredibly delicate house of cards just to get the bare minimum...just a phone call and a few compliments, and the compliments were probably just a formality.

Of course I'm only drawing from my own personal experiences, but your BH sounds very much like me. I think I can assure you that you'd better make a choice, and make it fast. Either suck it up with your husband NOW and "fake it til you make it", or make him jump through hoops and risk more permanent resentment.

My W has already caused some permanent resentment inside me. It can never be undone, because I had to play a role to get in her pants. I didn't feel like being Mr. Nice Guy. I didn't feel like meeting her EN's. I didn't give a rat's [censored] about her EN's, but I met them, anyway, just to get what I wanted.

To this day, 19 months after d-day, I still cannot just call her up on a weekday morning and say, "Hey babe! how about a nooner?" like OM could. There is always some excuse, and of course the shadow of the A would hang over such a request like a thick fog.

For that, I hate her. It can never be undone. If we started having nooners tomorrow, and had them every day for a year, it wouldn't matter because of the hoops I had to jump through for 19 months that OM didn't.

The second I had to lift one finger that the OM didn't, the resentment was there permanently. FOREVER.

You might want to keep that in mind before you decide that you "need to be in a better place" or that you "want to get the other aspects of your relationship in order" and "let the sex come naturally".

It may already be too late, I don't know. If you really are willing to do anything to save the marriage, you might want to get to it.

Just my opinion, of course.

I am sorry that it's taken me so long to respond to everyone... a lot has happened since my last post, and unfortunately my situation looks pretty hopeless. I have been trying very hard to help my BH, who is completely messed up due to my infidelity. The good news (if you can call it good) is that I've done a lot of soul searching pertaining to my own actions, and I must say I'm just sickened by what I've done. I want to fix things and make my marriage work, but it doesn't look good.

Some things that I've tried:

1. SEX. I've really tried to take your collective advice and freely give it whenever my H asks for it. But it hasn't helped, because usually it just ends up with anger from my BH, and on one heartbreaking occassion, tears of agony. I think my BH THOUGHT that the sex would make him feel better, but it hasn't worked that way at all.

2. HONESTY. I don't think it's possible right now. I tried some of the suggestions given here, I told BH that I would answer everything honestly but please make sure he could handle the answer before asking. When I answered ONE of his questions, he completely freaked and drove off at an unsafe speed, leaving skid marks for a half of mile (and he is lucky he wasn't killed, that's no exaggeration). I tried the 'write everything down' strategy but my BH is refusing. And we also tried something else, something we should NOT have done but I agreed to do at my BHs suggestion, bringing in a mutual friend to mediate. It turned into a disaster with the 3rd party completely upset and mortified, my husband shaking in anger, and me in tears. And nothing got resolved.

3. JOB. I got a job that lasted exactly one day before my BH changed his mind and told me to quit. He is now saying that he wants the divorce, but he will not force me to pay CS if I take care of the children in his (now our) house. But he wants me to move out (?).

I am trying to reassure him that this will NEVER happen again (and it won't), how sorry I am, etc etc... but it doesn't seem to be what he wants to hear. I'm not sure what he wants to hear right now, anything I do or say infuriates him.
I've come to the decision that I will do what my BH wants, as long as it won't harm the children. I want to help him, but I'm not sure WHAT will help at this point. BH is a very loving, emotional person, but he is unstable right now and it terrifies me. I have asked him to reach out, but he won't talk to anyone. And he is drinking way too much (he is normally not a drunk at all). I'm really frightened for him, he has to go through this ****** that I put him through, and for what?
His anger seems to have dissipated ever so slightly, but he is much worse shape than ever. He is missing work, not sleeping, not taking care of himself. And I hate to say this but I'm afraid he might be using drugs with someone that we both know. And this is after more than a year of NC. His parents are very worried about him, and plenty angry at me. I'm just at a loss right now. My selfishness knew no bounds, but I want to do the right thing, if only I knew what that was.

MW,

I have been reading your posts. I think one thing you should do is talk with his parents at length and see if between you and his parents you can get him to see a physician. My bet...he is severely depressed.

I know that reading here one gets the impression that BS's can "take it"if only they get their minds straight and truly love their spouses. But, in some cases this is not true. Clearly, your H could not take the betrayal and the lies and the renewed betrayal. He need professional help from the sounds of it, and you are not a professional, neither are we.

Here is a sad but true fact. You cannot heal him. He has to heal himself and he apparently is going to need a great deal of help to do it. See that between his parents and you, he gets the help he needs. Getting help may not safe your marriage, but from the sounds of it, no matter what your H needs help.

I am glad that you are finally seeing what you have done. I am sad that it has cost you so much and your H so much and of course your children so much. Please do the reading her, please learn from this. Even if your marriage does not make it YOU need to do some changing of your perspectives concerning marriage, vows, relationships and what it takes to make them work. You might be surprised but it will be helpful to your children as well, because eventually you and hopefully your H will have to talk to them about relationships and how to handle them as they grow up.

See if you can get your H help, that is step one. IF he won't take help I think you are going to have to consider separation, but before you do that, I would strongly suggest you see the Harley's, and lawyer so that you can access funds that are part of the marriage estate. Your children will need it as well you.

There is still hope, but your H must heal first.

God Bless,

JL