Hi everybody, I’ve read a lot of advice regarding for other folk which is similar to my experiences, I’ve been dumped from the marriage, my wife left me to be with another guy, I’m hurting badly, etc. The advice given to others says that it’s going to take time for me to heal and grieve and after that then I’ll be able to move on with my life. So I need to heal myself, and get over my wife before seriously dating any other girls. I kind of see the logic in it because it’s obvious; at the moment I’m just so depressed, I’ll even go to church these days alone and just really really struggle with singing the songs, worshiping, praying, and I imagine that I must be emitting this aura of depression.
But for me having to wait for some miraculous healing just seems so unfair, my betraying wife is off having a great old time with the guy she left me for, I’m the one that’s suffered and been terribly scared through this, (she revealed to me that she never felt any grief what so ever about the marriage dissolving because there wasn’t even any transition from me to him, it was more of an overlap and she was getting support and love from both of us, of course I didn’t even know about the other guy at the time).
Now in terms of me and my recovery, all I want is to eventually be happy and in the mean time try to move on and I don’t see how developing a relationship with another girl would be so detrimental to my “getting over wife” or if I’m careful and truthful from early in the relationship, unfair to the other girl if I’m clear about it and so forth. I struggle with picking up so I’ve met what seems like a few fantastic girls on internet sites and sent some great emails back and forth to a few and one in particular, an amazingly mature Christian girl in her walk with god, who’s already said that she considers me a real friend, and that deeply touches me even though she barely knows me, however I’ve presented an accurate image of myself on the site profile, (eg clearly stated that i’m separated), and in the emails that I’ve sent, I’ve been very truthful about myself just haven’t mentioned that I’m still recovering from the breakup of my marriage, I figured I’d keep that for the face to face meetings that eventuate with any of the girls, and obviously I’m very hopeful that they will. Despite that, it’s probably quite clear from some of the things I say in the emails that I’m hurting and I’ve stated that I’m going through a bit of a forty days in the wilderness experience in terms of my relationship with God.
So back to what I’m struggling to accept with regards to some of the advice given on these forums. I think seeing other girls would help, I’m so lonely at the moment and a girl for companionship, shopping, having fun with, would be lovely. And in terms of everyone saying that now is an opportunity to do stuff that you could never do while you were married!! What kind of marriages were all of you living in!!?? All the stuff that I want to do now, I was doing during my marriage, and since the divorce all that fun stuff that I used to love doing, now makes me depressed because I only do it alone and used to love doing it with my wife. Things like playing golf and tennis together, shopping!! Love shopping for either of us, going out to restaurants, dancing around the house together to the radio or cd’s, cooking a lovely meal together and then eating it on the balcony and just enjoying the view, going for runs around the lake together, going to church, sharing a bottle of wine, networking our computers and then spending 8 hours playing games and realised we’d missed dinner and it was time for bed, curling up on the lounge watching a movie, chilling out in the spa, going for holidays together to the farm or the snow or just to a fancy hotel, etc etc I could go on for ever, we had so much fun in the 2.5 yrs of marriage and that’s all the stuff I want to do, I was completely content.
It’s no fun doing it alone, I had so many more plans and hopes and dreams for the future with my wife, now she’s gone, presumably she’ll do all that stuff with the guy she’s left me for, and I’m alone, I have no girl to share good times with, and I’m supposed to look at this time as an opportunity to DO THE STUFF THAT I WANT TO DO!! It just doesn’t make sense to me and that’s half the reason why it’s so painful. If I started dating asap (which considering that I really struggle picking up girls wouldn’t be for a long time anyway,) then I’d be able to get back to doing all the stuff that I enjoy doing, I’d be sharing the experiences with someone else rather than alone, it would make me happy and i’d heal from the shattering effects of the divorce exponentially faster. I think that I’d make strict boundaries in terms of sex etc, but can anybody explain why I need to wait for some magical healing to take place which I really can’t see happening, when I’d much rather just be proactive about my future and happiness and go out and try to develop relationships with girls.
I appreciate any advice from anybody, sorry about the coherence and the rant.
