Okay, here's my story.

My SO and I have been together almost nine years now. Around this time last year, I had a short-lived affair with a woman. At the time, my SO and I were living apart (separated by a 4 hours' drive) while I'm working on a graduate degree.

I was in the fog of the affair, and I thought that I wanted to break up. My SO found out about the affair by checking my email when her suspicions were aroused.

We immediately went into counseling, but counseling didn't go so well. With the distance between us, we had a hard time finding a counselor who could meet with us, and the one we found wasn't very good. She talked more than we did. Eventually, my SO thought we could work it out without the help of a counselor. So, basically, we swept the problem under the rug.

I finished that semester and came home for the summer. I thought things were going okay. Things weren't great, but they were okay. We weren't arguing or anything. When it came time for me to return to school, things took a very bad turn for the worse. We started seeing another counselor who basically ruined us. We saw him three times and and in October, she told me she couldn't do this anymore and wanted out. She broke up with me. She said she needed a break and wanted space to get over her anger, but we were definitely through. She told her mother on Thanksgiving Day that we were broken up but she wasn't certain that the break up was permanent.

We saw each other some after this, but all I did was plead with her to take me back, and all she would say was she didn't want to talk about us and that she needed space.

She told me that she loved me but wasn't "in love" with me anymore, that her romantic feelings died for me when she found out about the affair. I have my suspcions that she has feelings for a man with whom she works--even though he is in a gay relationship (though he is bi-sexual).

Despite things being up in the air, there were signs that things were getting better. But every time I saw her, I was an emotional wreck. I cried for days afterward and couldn't get out of bed. A friend of ours told me that I was killing myself and that I needed to tell my SO that I didn't want to talk to her until she was ready to talk about our problems and how to fix them. I told her that, and it didn't go well and I left her a note recanting that statement.

Over Christmas, we exchanged gifts and things seemed very different between us. Later when I talked to her, she said the time "felt like closure." That freaked me out, and I started pleading with her again, telling her that I had learned my lesson,that I would never stray again. This made her mad. In fact, some friends of ours talked to her that night and she was furious with me because I "won't stop calling her" and "won't give her space." She ended up calling me later, and we got into it some more. She said that I wasn't very mature, and I said that neither of us was as mature as we could be. She asked me some of the ways in which she wasn't as mature as she could be, so I told her three things. At that point she said, "I'm getting off the phone now."

That's the last time I've talked to her. That was four days ago.

She spent Christmas Day with her mother, and her mother is trying to get us back together. She told me that my SO said there was "no excuse" for what I did, that I had been told from the very beginning that if I was unfaithful she would leave and that I did it anyway. She felt good about her decision to break up with me, but she "didn't know what the future held" for us.

Her mother says that I need to basically fall off the planet and give my SO space, to give her "a chance to miss me."

What should I do? I'm desperate here. She has opened an eHarmony account.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. I hope you will read some of the things here - especially about no angry outbursts or disrespectful judgements. Listing how SHE is immature when you are the one that cheated certainly qualifies.

How much longer to you have in grad school? Separation is a real relationship killer.

Absolutely. I know this now.

I'll be finished in May.

Oh good.

Well, first I would back off a little. Just send her a cheery email every couple of days. If you can't hold yourself together, then see a doc for some anti-D's.

A2A - you aren't married. She set her Boundary, you chose to cross it, now she is enforcing the consequences.

If you want to have any chance at saving this relationship and possibly getting married some day, you will need to learn "pronto tonto" about the MB philosophies and embrace them and apply them to your life. "Plan A" types of changes and behaviors are what she needs to see, even while she is angry.

But the "botom line" is that you chose to end the relationship when you chose to have "someone on the side." She is now "agreeing" to your choice. If you've "changed your mind," you have a lot of work to do to even have a chance at recovering this relationship because right now she won't believe anything you SAY and will only react to what you DO.

Well, we considered ourselves married. Yes, I've changed my mind. I want her back more than anything. I'll do whatever it takes.

A2A - Some "tough" comments and questions to get you thinking.

1. "Playing" at being married is not the same as BEING married. So why in 9 years didn't you decide to be married "for real?"

2. A choice to commit adultery is a choice to end a marriage, or a relationship. She knows that and doesn't have to go through the process of getting a divorce. Perhaps she, too, wanted the ability to "walk" if she felt like it.

3. Recovery from an affair takes an average of two years, and it's usually pretty "rocky" at the start. Are you ready for a commitment "no matter what the outcome is?"

4. You say, "Yes, I've changed my mind. I want her back more than anything." But you've already demonstrated that you changed your mind about your "consideration that you were married," so WHY should she believe that you wouldn't "change your mind again" if she did "take you back?"

5. WHY should she "take you back?" Put yourself in her shoes and ask yourself that question.

6. "I'll do whatever it takes." Anything? Think about that, because recovery, if she gives you that chance, WILL be on "her terms." And "whatever it takes" covers a LOT of ground.

Orchid: Maybe at one time but what about now?


Orchid: Why? What have you shown her to back up that statement?


Orchid: Why? What would you think if someone told you that?

You may be wondering, 'why is that poster asking questions like that? Can't she see I'm in pain and I just want her back?'

If that's what you may be thinking, let us know. I can tell you why and the answer may help you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

These are all really good questions.

ForeverHers:

I understand that it usually takes 2 years to recover from an affair. Yes, I'm ready to put in the work no matter the outcome because I know that I have to heal what's broken in me that caused me to stray, and likely my getting better is the only way to show my SO that I really want to change myself.

There's no reason for her to believe anything I say at this point, though for the past year I've done everything she's asked of me--except be patient. I'm working on being patient and giving her the space she says that she needs. It may be too little too late though--especially after our last conversation.

Yes, I'll do *whatever it takes* to get her back.

Orchid:

I am still devoted her to. That hasn't changed despite the breakup.

To show her that I want her back more than anything I've done everything she's asked of me in the last year. She says that she just can't trust me anymore. She can't live with wondering what I'm doing all the time.

I'm not sure what I would think if someone told me he/she would do whatever it takes. Maybe I'd think he/she was really committed to working things out. Maybe I'd think he/she were desperate.

I am in a lot of pain, and I've done a lot of soul-searching, and I don't want her back simply to stop this pain. I want her back because I love her, and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. My pain is nothing compared to the pain I caused her.

I realized last night that I've often been selfish in our relationship--the affair was just another way in which I was selfish. I've been reading and reading and reading, gotten in couseling to figure out what I am the way I am. I've undergone a path of discovery, a path that I'm still on.

I'm here for advice. Please help.

Orchid: The level of devotion is in question with her. You can understand this, yes? The healing will take longer than the A and what lead up to the A. So for starters, you need both need patience.


Orchid: You see it is you who wants her back. Why should she want what you want? Howz about you wanting what she wants? Think about it. You are stating this is what YOU want, yet you haven't said you want what she originally wanted. Do you really know what that is?


Orchid: Ok, now you are seeing there is another way to view what you have been doing. Would you like to learn HOW to communicate with a woman, then learn how to use that to fine tune how you communicate with your W?


Orchid: U R both in a lot of pain. Try wanting her back for her reasons. Love is a giving type of action, not an I want but more of a I want to give...... Here is what I can do for you.

Please take the time to read His Needs/Her Needs, then call Jennifer C @ MB for some phone counseling. She will help you get a plan.

Let's get you pointed in the right direction so she can see and hear you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />



Orchid: You've got a ways to go but it is good to know u r headed in the right direction. She really s/b questioning your sincerity. Trust takes time to rebuild.


Orchid: Good. Now we can start to help you make progress. Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience.

Work on your communication skills. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

A2A - Making needed changes in yourself is good. But those changes need to made regardless of whether or not it is "for her." They are made because they are needed and they make you a "better" and "more desirable" person to anyone.




"Giving her space." If I had a dollar for every time someone on the system said that or "I need some space" I'd have a lot more money now. Usually the more appropriate way of phrasing it is to "enable them to do whatever they feel like doing."

Now, let's get to the "real" problem here that has been "danced around" several times. WHY should she take you back? What has been destroyed FOREVER is "blind trust."

Trust CAN be rebuilt, but only "earned trust." You both apparently believed and "trusted" that you didn't need the "formal bonds of matrimony" to keep you faithful to each other. But what it really was a lack of "total commitment." It was "keeping one foot in the relationship with one hand on the 'emergency exit' so that if one or both of you "lost that lovin' feelin'" you could open the door and "bail out."

You BOTH lack commitment of the "marriage kind." You both "fooled" yourselves into thinking "shacking up" was the equivalent of being married.




Then you need to be ready to let her go too.

Then you need to be ready for a commitment for Marriage, not shacking up.

Then you need to understand that there can be no Marriage until Trust has been reestablished.

Love? WHAT is love to you? Now is when you need to really think about and understand just what "love" is and how you will actually love someone else.

I'm going to be as candid and blunt as I can be here, not to hurt you or add to your pain, but to hopefully impress upon you the tremendous hurt you have inflicted on her and that your "value system" is faulty, despite what you may have been telling yourself in the past in order to justify "doing" whatever it was you wanted to do "at the moment."

If she was my daughter (and I suspect you are both young enough to BE my children [I have a 30 year old single daughter], I would tell her to RUN from you, not matter how much the "loss of the relationship" might feel right now.

You are NOT married. You had 9 years TO get married. But the Lifetime COMMITMENT of marriage "wasn't good enough" for you and you wanted to have the "joys" of marriage without the responsibility of marriage.

So WHY should HER father tell his daughter to "give you a second chance?"

If you can't answer that question, then let her go, learn from this huge mistake in judgment and moral values, and make the changes needed that will not only help you personally but will also make you "marriage material" for any woman.

That's probably true. She has said this time needs to be about her and for her to have time to get over her anger. She says that it's not about dating someone else, but with her opening an eHarmony account, I find that a little hard to swallow.


I can't give you a single reason WHY she should take me back. I really can't. We've been togethr for a long time, and we truly loved each other and had a really wonderful realtionship. This is not an excuse but just information: I had too much to drink, was lonely, and that was the root of the ONS. That means that I have made a number of poor judgments. I was tempted and had a weak moment.


This part is true.


That's a great question. I don't know if I can fully define what love means to me right now. I think it is putting the well-being of another person before my own, wanting to be there for him/her no matter what. It's something that I can't put into words.


I appreciate your candor, but for some reason I get the impression that you think I'm some kind of degenerate who went around being unfaithful all of the time and was not a decent human being. That is not the case. I need hard knocks about this. What I did was inexcuseable; I already know this, but I am a good person who did a terrible, terrible thing.


Well, in fact, I'm nearly 37 years old. She's 34.


To be honest, I don't think her father would tell her to give me a second chance because her mother cheated on him. However, the Christian model is a model of forgiveness for sins. Does that mean my SO *should* forgive me? No. It doesn't mean that at all. In fact, she has already NOT forgiven me. However, she has said that she has not "locked the door" on a possible reconciliation. Therefore, I am here to try and learn how to do the things that will lead me down the alter with her. I *want* to marry her. I don't want to just live together.

I am here to effect change in myself and my core value system and try to work toward a marriage that I really want to have.

Right now, I don't think she has very much patience with me. I kept being impatient with her, and right now she is so mad at me for not only the A but also for not backing off like she has asked.


Yes, I do want her back. I can't say that she *should* want me back, but I know that she believed we were a great couple and she loved me. I can't make myself want what she wants--which is to break up. I don't want to break up. She wants a faithful partner. I want to be, and I have been. I want to show her that I can be the man she deserves.


YES! I thought I knew how to communicate, but right now, I'm saying A and she's hearing B, or I *think* I'm saying A. Maybe I am saying B. I want more than anything to be able to communicate with her effectively and lovingly.


I don't know what her reasons are. She has said she wants to see what kind of man I'm going to be because ultimately that's who I'm going to be (that's a direct quote). It seems that she's taking a wait-and-see approach, or she was. The eHarmony thing makes me very nervous. She also told her mother that she feels good about her decision, that she'd been miserable and felt sick a lot of the time with worry and she just couldn't do that anymore. In May, I'll be finished with my degree and (hopefully) I'll be abl to get a job back where we lived. I feel that my being up here where the A happened has made her sick with worry about what I was doing because she couldn't trust what I was saying. It may be after I graduate before she is willing to even entertain the idea of seeing me again. By that time, she may be with someone new.


I ordered the book just moments ago and made the call already.


Yes, please!



I have been praying for healing fr myself and my SO. I'll pray for patience for both of us. I need help with my communication skills.

Thanks, Orchid!

It seems to me that she wants to wait and see and also test the water. She opened the eHarmony account so she could start seeing other men and if that doesn't work out, she will consider returning back to you. You can't blame her for that. You were not married and you're the one who messed up tings. She is now single and can do whatever she wants.

How did you find out that she opened the account?

I found out about the account when I was using her computer. She doesn't have Explorer set to erase the fields when she exits. I opened IE and typed the letter E to go to a site I visit quite a bit. What came up was eharmony.com/mymatches and I scrolled down and there was eharmony.com/login and a bunch of other eH-related info.