OMG!!!

My daughter informed me today that she is engaged to be married.

I'm kind of in shock.

She is only 19!!! She'll be 20 in February, but still...

She hasn't known this guy very long and she is so young. I'm scared for her and scared of the potential consequences that may come her way as the result of this decision.

She wants to get married on April 22nd of 2008...because apparently that is Earth Day (whatever that means - you'd have to know my little hippiechild).

The guy seems like a nice enough kid (he is 22), but honestly I don't know him well enough to really know (and sometimes you STILL don't know).

I asked her if she would be willing to take a marriage course (MB, of course)...to be taught by me.

Patriot and I have been studying MB Principles for 3 years. We've also attended MB Weekend. I have all the materials, have read all the books and I feel knowledgable enough to present the information in a classroom-type format. I promised not to don my "Mom" hat and be professional.

Her response?

"I am willing but I would need to discuss it with him before committing."

Score 1 for her! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

She discussed it with him and he also said he is willing.

Ultimately, she is an adult (though barely) and I have no control over what she chooses.

Part of me says to try to talk her out of it because I don't want to enable her in making a hasty choice.

The other part of me says that it's not my place to decide whether or not her hasty choice is a mistake and that the best I can do is share my concerns with her (which I already did) and just arm her with as much information and tools for success as I possibly can.

Being a mom is scary. I'm not old enough to be a mom of an adult child.

I would try to encourage them to wait a little longer and continue to give advice based on what you have learned here. But they are adults and better they wed with your support than without. Has your daughter finished studying? Does her fiance have a job ?

Give her and her fiance "I Promise You", Dr. Harley's new book for engaged couples. I really wish I knew MB principles before my wedding!

And the best thing you and Patriot can do for her is be a great example of a loving couple.

Congratulations!

Wow! I think you handled that very well, froz. Congrats on being a future MIL!

Hi frozen!

Congratulations!

You absolutely DO NOT look old enough to have a daughter that's 19! From that pic I saw of you at Mel's house...you look only 19 or 20 yourself!!

I don't WANNA be a MIL!!!!!

I'm not ready to have grown-up children!!!

Sheesh! I'm only 37 (for 40 more minutes...I'm gonna milk this last half hour before 38 all I can).

tummytuck,

No, she hasn't finished studying. So far she hasn't been very serious about college. I keep trying to make her, but it keeps not working.

Yes, he has a job. She is a manager at Starbucks and he works there also, but she tells me that his family is pretty wealthy and that his job is temporary as he has plans to join his family's business (selling airplanes or something like that).

Saturn, great suggestion about the book. I'll order it straight away.

Happy B-day. I will say that the most stable marriages(and long term) I know of are friends and family that got married in their early twenties. I agree that it is a scary thing, but so long as they have a good foundation and are mature for their age, they could be just fine. Yes, you are too young to be a MIL though...heck, you could be a grand-mom before 40! Wow! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Happy Birthday!!!!

BITE YOUR TONGUE, MEDC!!!




Charlotte! Sneaky, sneaky! It took me a minute for me to figure out how you saw a pic of me at Mel's house when I've never posted a pic here! I get it now (getting slow in my old age).

Thanks for the compliment and thanks for the birthday wishes, guys!!! I really appreciate it.

MEDC...yes, I know this whole DD issue "could" work out just fine. It's the "could" that makes me nervous. She's the impulsive, idealistic, head in the clouds, artsy type and she makes me nervous.

I have posted before that she was sexually abused as a child and I also have concerns about the impact that might have on her choices and relationships. I worry about the ways that kind of emotional scar affects her now. Worry, worry, worry...but not completely unfounded. She has had and continues to have a lot of struggles as a result of that experience, although there is no way to know which struggles she might have been dealing with regardless of that tragedy.

In all honesty, she has had the added difficulty of being the child of a 17 year-old unwed mother. The choice I made almost 20 years ago to raise her hasn't exactly made her life easy. I was in no way emotionally mature enough to care for a child and though I have never, ever regretted the choice I made to raise her, I often feel so guilty for the ways my lack of maturity has affected her. I wasn't exactly equipped to offer oodles of stability in her youth.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Congratulations and Happy Birthday, Froz!

This adds a whole new dimension to 'faith' and 'trust', doesn't it.

Look at all the maturity she is showing so far.....she asked HIM first about 'lessons'......both are willing to learn MB....she told you first about their engagement a few months in advance of the wedding.

I understand your fear, Froz, but you're right....they are adults and can make choices of their own. It might be helpful to jump into that time machine and then look back on how you want to remember these early days of their R (and HOW YOU WANT THEM to REMEMBER YOU!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Grow your faith and trust in them, be supportive and, like Saturn said, you and Patriot have the opportunity to model many messages through your loving actions with each other. These speak louder than words anyhow!

Ace

Thanks, Acey.



For SURE!

I was half-hoping that someone would post to me, "Are you CRAZY! You have to try to STOP HER!!!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

She actually begged for my support. She said that she is going to tell my family. She and I are kind of the square pegs of the bunch. They are all the very logical, by-the-book, never think outside the box, judging types, while she and I are both the deep-thinking creative types. (Yes, I'm adopted!) We both often feel judged/misunderstood by my family, so she fears their disapproval. She said all she cares about is that she has MY support.

I shared my concerns with her, but I guess that's all I can do.

There froz ... there did I make you feel better? lol <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

know exactly what you are feeling. My DD did that at 20 when her fiance was going to be deployed, then I found out my soldier son was living with my DD best friend and they got engaged just before he went off to do soldier things.

I didn't know if I should cry for joy or fear lol <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

But I am afraid I can't be too critical .... I married at 18 to my wonderful DH .. sometimes mothers just have to take deep breaths and continue to breathe and smile. Just ask my mum <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I thought I am FAR too young to be a grandma but then the idea grew on me, but I'm not sure what our 2 yr old would say when he found he was an uncle???? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

But now Mum & I get to organise TWO weddings !!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Happy birthday, froz!! I think you have done well with your DD, despite the age you were when she was born. This is just another stage in life that you need to let go and continue to pray for her.

Froz, I was engaged to Squid at 20 and we married at 22.

We had a pretty good 18 years married before we hit the skids, so it may not be a disaster for your DD !

Happy birthday BTW. I hope all is well with you.

Thanks, AW. Honestly, I do feel better after reading what you said and I'm glad I posted about this because the feedback has been really helpful.

It's really kind of silly when I think about it to post for ADVICE...as if there is a darn thing I COULD do about it if I wanted to. And a lot can change in four months in the world of an almost 20 year old.

But it is SO hard, I think, to make this transition from minor-child-living-with-me-and-person-I-am-responsible-to-and-for and adult-child-living-on-her-own. It's like the game has all new rules and I have to feel my way around to figure out where the boundary lines are. It seems like such a delicate balance and I don't want to be (too) intrusive but I don't want to be enabling either. I typically tend toward the latter.

She seems very happy and excited and totally wants me involved in wedding planning. Lucky for her I am a hairstylist, makeup artist and a photographer.

She asked Patriot to give her away and he was touched.

Thanks for the warm wishes, guys!!!

They decided to wait until a YEAR from April!!!

WOO HOO!!!!!!!!!!