You are doing great because you are NOT giving him what he wants......a fight to justify his being able to leave. I'm with Believer......sorry to say.

Be very vigilant....snoop, spy, and dig everywhere you can.

Keep posting. We're here for you, GG.

Ace

So, don't press in the future. Ask once. Then be peaceful about it. Don't let his anger and anxiety become your anger and anxiety.



Do you realize that his anger has nothing to do with you or what you "did wrong"? Work might have sucked. He may have talked to one of the lesbian friends who got him all worked up over his list of "wrongs" he has suffered. See what I mean?

*You* can determine your own mood rather than be a reactor to his.

And not to add to your load, but the many lesbians aren't strictly lesbian.



This is a marathon, not a sprint. In order to give it your best shot, you have to prepare yourself for a long haul.

Ok. I know work makes him tired. Every single night. And I understand that. The frustrating thing is *I* also work fulltime - and I asked him how his day went...and he said "oh, fine". And silence. So I said "mine went ok too". And he looked at me for a sec and said "oh, yeah, how was your day" realizing he hadn't even noticed me. Things like that hurt. And I'm trying to not let them. But he's so freaking self centred!!!!!!!!! It's so hurtful.

I've gotten over my hurt in the last few minutes, and realized it's not about me. He isn't mad at me. So when he comes home, I'll dole out the food that's arrived, and make nice.

I'll keep you posted.

Remember, selfishness is the name of the game. Stop expecting anything, just smile and bat your eyes.

Well, I'm feeling better because:

He just called to ask if the food had arrived, and wanted to let me know he would be another twenty minutes or so..and

He didn't sound angry anymore.

So I happily stuffed all the food in the oven to keep warm, and wait.

But I'm thrilled he called...and told him that. It was very....thoughtful.

But the rollercoaster of emotions is KILLING ME! And I know I have to get used to it.

And the rollercoaster goes up............................

Hi GG!

How are things? We know all about the not eating, sleeping, all of that! I hope you're doing well, and that your supper went well. Your limits of self-control will be tested beyond belief in the coming weeks/months....I know I have the patience of a saint, but holy *^^&^&&*!!! I have been close to losing it soooo often...

Keep your head down and your self-respect up..., and let us know how you're doing....

And I'm in Ontario too. Between Barrie and T.O.

Ron

Hey there.

I'm near Toronto.

Things are....good. Too good. Almost surreal. Me, on the other hand, not so good. When I am alone I think and think and think some more until I have myself so worked up I can't stand it.

Trust is gone (it hasn't been great before, but it's zero now). I was standing at the garage yesterday and I caught the vehicle out of the corner of my eye and was CONVINCED it was him, driving right by, on his cell phone. Now, in my HEAD, I know it wasn't him, something was written on the side of the truck that ours doesn't have, but still...I called him on the cell and asked him where he was, convinced he was up to no good. Turns out he was on his way home. He took it good naturedly, actually joked about having a doppleganger, and when I asked him where he was I wasn't accusatory in my tone or anything. As I said, the vehicle didn't match so I'm obviously losing my mind <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

He has yelled at me three times this week, but each time, caught himself, stopped, and apologized.

Something he has never done before. Before he would justify his yelling, saying I made him do it.

We have been spending time together, and he is STILL talking of future plans - buying a computer together, taking trips...I am so confused.

However I am still full of hurt and pain and instead of grilling him on things randomly (something I used to do), I have been putting all my thoughts into a journal and then re-reading them. Some of them make sense later, others make me feel like a complete loon. All of my concerns I am trying to save for our first appt with the marriage counsellor on Tuesday. I need a neutral third party to moderate, I know that might sound silly.

I am trying to make our time together pleasant and happy and have him look forward to seeing me, I THINK it is working, but again...no trust. He could just be being manipulative. I don't know, and that is the worst feeling.

I work in the medical field and care for people day in, the worst is having to go to work and help people when I feel like I cannot care for myself. I have an ulcer and it is raging out of control - meds are not helping. I have a dr's appt next week.

I will keep you posted. Thank you so much for your concern.

GG,


This has already been said, but opposite sex friends are just a bad idea for married folks. There are too many folks here because their WS became involved with a friend of the opposite sex.



If your marriage is going to survive, that IS a choice he will have to make. Maybe not right now, but it will be necessary for you to recover. They are not friends to your marriage so NC for life will be needed.

I also think you need to keep a close, sneaky eye open at all times cause your H is sure acting like he is having an affair. Even if it is one of the "three" and they are all lesbians, that does not mean that he might not have a "thing" for one of them, ie. an EA.

Keep posting and stick to your plan A.

Who

Hi GG....

Imagine that...we are practically neighbours!!

I don't know what to think of what your H is doing, or feeling. Just remember, don't expect anything, don't read anything into his behaviour or what he says. If you do, you will be hurt and disappointed, because he will change daily. That much I've learned.


It sounds like you are doing everything right, and if he's planning for the future, it could be a good sign too, but don't expect anything. The Wayward Spouse is very fickle..



Just keep on working on yourself. You can't change him, you can only work on yourself. And more importantly, take care of yourself. I know what you mean about not being able to do your job well, I haven't been able to concentrate on mine for months. Like you, I have a fairly responsible position, people's lives can count on me being sharp.....I feel like I've been, well, useless for a long time.....

Be good, have a great weekend. I get my daughter back tomorrow... I'm happy about that!!

GG, it doesn't sound silly at all. When things get so topsy-turvy it often does help to have someone to get the lines all straightened out again.



Stress really can eat holes in your tummy. Have you taken antibiotics for the ulcer?

Well, I slipped up yesterday <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I came home after a double shift and got into bed, and just started bawling. He was pretty nice and empathetic and all that, but still does not have any answers...says parts of me make him unhappy...does not know if he wants the marriage to continue.

I asked him if he was just using me for the time being, and that he was going to divorce me anyway. He said no, he's not using me, but that he "doesn't know" about the divorce..."that's why we're going to counseling".

I am still confused and hurt and really questioning myself now whether he is worth putting up with this for.

He DID say last night he is going to sign up for anger management or counseling or whatever, because he recognizes his anger is out of control. He is very verbally abusive.

I apologized for the meltdown, but now feel awful.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{GaelicsGirl}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

That's a cyber hug.


No need to apologize.....that's what this board is for, to vent and get it all out so you don't vent to your H as much.

Double shifts are tough on anyone, potential A and baby issues complicate things and you can only take so much.

He's willing to go to counseling. That's a good thing.

He's willing to sign up for anger management. Also good.

Keep plan Aing as best as you can. Venting here will help your efforts.

Ace

GG.....

How are you coping??

I am doing ok <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Sorry. Meant to come back and update but it's been so hectic. To answer a question, yes, I'm on meds for the ulcer. It's chronic and reappears whenever I have times of stress - I have GERD as well. All stress related. I work in healthcare so manage it quite well at most times.

As for an update on the marriage -

We went to a counselor. Who sucked, lol. He was very adversarial, wanted to know little about us, told me my husbands lying was MY FAULT because I've "punished him" by reacting badly when he "told me the truth". Even husband said "I thought he was very, very hard on you". So we have found another...and have an appt. next week. We will try this one.

Actually, I was so upset that yesterday I woke up at 6am, in tears, drove to husbands office in my pajamas and asked him if it was all worth it. He was very nice - sat me down, got me a cup of coffee, and convinced me to try another counselor.

He is being very sweet. Kissing me goodbye, telling me to have a nice day. All things he never used to do.

But at the same time he can be hurtful - I'm not sure if it's on purpose - he said a couple of days ago "the girls are my best friends. We are so close. I feel like I haven't been your friend for years". That hurt, a lot, and is an issue we will work on in counseling - because I've felt for years that every attempt I have made to BE his friend has had him push me away.

He is making plans for outings, short trips to see my sister (the only member of my family that doesn't want part of his anatomy nailed to a wall, ha ha), even a summer trip away. Good signs I guess? That he sees a future?

We DID agree to hammer out an "agreement" on how much time he spends with his friends vs. me, with some ground rules. I thought this was progress.

He also did agree that what he has been doing is an Emotional Affair and that it is just as hurtful and betraying as a physical one - "I guess if it were just sex, it would just be sex" and I'm glad he understands this.

I suppose I should be very thankful - we have come a long, long way in two weeks, considering we were divorcing and I was smashing things!!!!! But I still feel that knot in the pit of my stomach and it bothers me tremendously <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> We have a LOT of things to work on in marriage counseling. I hope this next counselor works out.

Thank you all for your support and concern. It is much appreciated.

GG,

I went back and read all your posts and replies. I am really not seeing alot of infidelity dynamics here. I'm not saying that they aren't EAs....because clearly they meet some of his needs outside of the marriage....but then all friends do that. His relationship with these girls sounds more "sibling-like" than affair-like to me. But even siblings can be very destructive to marriages.....even without affair dynamics.

I just don't think the big issues in your marriage revolve around these girls. You guys have both neglected your marriage. You haven't spent enough time together.....and I see that as a huge issue. 15 hours a week of undivided attention are the minimum requirements for building intimacy. You're both love busting. You are both exhibiting independent behavior. You're both failing to meet needs. And I don't think these girls would have a major impact on your relationship if you guys dealt with the incompatibility issues.

just my .02 cents worth. Work on love busters. Start scheduling time together. Meet his needs. Develop a "recreational" relationship. You BOTH have sets of friends that you've been spending your most enjoyable times with....stop it and regroup.

StarFish - I agree completely.

My husband asked me something very interesting recently. "What would the issues be if the girls were guys instead?" My answer - "the same. You spend too much time with them". So there you go.

I agree - they are his FAMILY - his chosen family. I cannot give him an ultimatum to leave his best friends, be they female or male. And I won't.

And I really think he is starting to relax, knowing that I won't.

He is making plans for holidays together. We have spent more time together in the past three weeks, than possibly in the last three years. We still have a very, very long hill to climb up, but I'm seeing the crest and have hope we will get there.

I also think "the agreement" has alleviated a lot of stress. Now we have something tangible - a concrete list of terms and conditions. My sister laughed and said "it sounds like a business arrangement" but that might be just what works for us!

Thanks for the comments. I really do appreciate the input of everyone.

Well, I am completely confuzzled.

Husband is now the one sort of convincing ME to stick it out. I have been so out of sorts the last week - I haven't applied my "makeup" face in days. I am not my bubbly self at work. coworkers keep asking me whats wrong (I haven't told them, I work in a gossip fest, it would get ugly). I am so distracted yesterday I made a (minor, but stupid) error that I KNOW is because of my mental state.

I was diagnosed with clinical depression several years ago, I think I need my meds changing, as I can't sleep, can't stop thinking of my situation, and people's lives at my workplace depend on me. Which depresses me further.

Husband and I had another heart to heart. While he still wants to stick it out with counselling, I am finding it oh so very difficult. And he is sending me mixed messages - on one hand he is saying maybe while he is glad we got married, maybe we shouldn't have - the next he is saying "anything worth having comes at a price, and we haven't been paying, and now we have some catching up to do".

Still, the whole re-writing history as in "I don't think you ever understood me" - is that normal?

He has admitted to the EA and we have another MC session next week. Afterwards tonight we hugged and then he played with his new iPod, and we both danced around the room...but I'm still feeling so destroyed.

When does it get better? I asked him how he thought we were doing these past few weeks. He said "better". I said I thought we were "really good". He disagreed, saying that "really good" would be "normal". When I asked what normal was, he said he didn't know!!!!

I am so perplexed.

NC letter + NC = the potential beginning of your possible un-perplexed-ness.

Ace

PS GG, you are a Goddess....your name even starts with the right letters....join us on the Goddessess thread if you haven't already. It will give your spirit a lift by being in a sisterhood. We all need each other, but we are also complete on our own.

Forgive me...NC...I know most of the abbreviations, but don't know this one.

Heading over to the Goddess Thread, lol.