All,
I haven't been here in a long time. I see that many of the same faithful posters are still here trying to help: Believer, Bob Pure, Pepperband, Orchid, etc.

I have a hard time coming back and reading posts. It's still all so painful. I just can't seem to move on and move past the past.

I bought a house, still in the same job, made it through Thanksgiving and now Christmas. I am still in contact with my X and I know that that is why I'm not moving on but I am really having a hard time letting go. He has ocntinued to ask if we could work on our R and try to work things out. I can't commit to that.

He now says that he cannot stay here any longer. He has nothing holding him here. We are divorced and my D wants nothing to do w/him. His D now lives in another state and his S isn't in his life much. He now has no ties to this area. He says he is going to move several states away and take a job that his uncle has helped him get.

I don't know if this is more manipulation or if he is serious. I just know that I'm scared. Scared that he may really move and that I've made a mistake by not trying to reconcile. Scared that I will end up alone.

I know that alone would be preferable to what I went through with him but time tends to fade some of the negative. I know that MB is full of success stories where couples went through ****** but were able to make it through together and their marriages are still intact.

Some days I am resolved not to call or accept calls and just move on. I haven't really had a husband now for almost 4 years. We've been divorced now for about 9 months. During that time I have sporadically gone back to church and caught ****** for it from my X because of the guy there; he has gotten remarried and seems to be happy. I envy him for that.

My X has one business and has opened a second and has his second wife helping him with the paperwork. Comes to his house to do that. The owner of one of the companies that he gets supplies from has sterted making advances toward him but he says he's not interested. I do know that they went to dinner together a few weeks ago but X says it was not a date just a meeting ended up at a time when they both needed to get something to eat so they did.

He still has lots of female friends that he talks to occasionally and that was always a sore spot with us.

I am just rehashing I guess. Some of you may read this and just keep going. I am just having a hard time. I WANT to move on. I WANT to be in a better place emotionally. I'm just having a really hard time getting to that better place. I wish I could turn the clock back and I know that's impossible but I really miss the man I dated eleven years ago. I don't miss the man I was married to.

Any pearls of wisdom aside from not calling and not accepting his calls? I even tried eharmony!!!! Thought maybe another interest would lessen the pain. Never got interested in anyone and felt guilty the entire time.

"Any pearls of wisdom aside from not calling and not accepting his calls? "

No, you need to do the above.

I will be divorced for a year next week. I continued to Plan B my ex, although he still calls and whines from time to time. But I avoid talking to him.

Get out and make a nice life for yourself. There IS someone out there for you.

How long were you married?

Is there any desire/hope left in you to reconcile with your XH?

"We've been divorced now for about 9 months. During that time I have sporadically gone back to church and caught ****** for it from my X because of the guy there; he has gotten remarried and seems to be happy. I envy him for that."

Does this mean that you were the WS?

If you were the BS did you give your husband a PLan B letter clearly indicating what changes were needed in order for you to give him another chance?

L2S,

Did you ever get counseling for the abuse?

LA

meremortal,
I was the BS but I have to say that I gave my XH reason to doubt my fidelity as well. Searching my name would give you the sordid details.
I never gave him a plan B letter. He has told me numerous times that he would do anything to try and repair the R. I am very close to my family and every R that touched my marriage has been destroyed from my sister and brother-in-law and niece to my R w/his two grown (early twenties) children to the R between him and my D (whom he adopted).
My D stayed at a friend's house last night and came home late this afternoon. I spent some time w/my XH trying to help him w/a computer problem. When I told her where I was she was livid. She wants nothing to do w/him and wants me to do the same. She hates him.
I don't want what we ended up having but I am stupidly afraid of being alone. I hate the thought of starting over if I'm lucky enough to have someone ask me out (which hasn't happened since my D).
He says he has been talking to someone but there's no R there yet. He says he has been with no one since he ended his last affair two years ago. I simply don't believe that.

Lovinganyway,
I did go to counseling. I have been told that the chances are quite likely that he would cheat again and would continue his pattern of abusive behavior if I went back. Even now the anger and resentment that each of us feel is so strong that we end up arguing if we try to talk about the past and about how on earth we would ever get past the past in order to have a future.

I just don't know how to let go and I'm scared that there will never be anyone else for me. I hate with a passion being the fifth wheel everywhere I go.

I'm not 25 or 30 any more. I'll be 50 this year. Geez I feel old just saying that. I'm not afraid of being by myself I just don't want to be by myself. I want someone to spend my life with and being single at 50 really sucks.

l2s,

I understand how you feel. I too hung on to the past for a long time and was divorced on paper but not emotionally.

It's a process that takes time.

First thing you need to do is stop your contact with him. This will help you tremendously.

How old is your D?

If she's old enough to maintain contact on her own, then you don't need to maintain contact with him.

This will help you heal more than anything else.

Don't punish yourself too much. It's a process that takes time and is very painful.

The worst thing you can do, however, is go rush into the arms of someone else. That would fill you with false impressions and it is a very common mistake made by newly divorced people. This is why second marriages fail so often.

You're on a very personal journey right now. You are the only one that can find your answers. I and others can share our experiences with you, but the fact of the matter is that this is a journey you must take alone and it is a painful one.

I recommend you look for a group called DivorceCare. They helped me a lot and I made friends there.

I also recommend you get a good IC. Mine has done wonders for me.

You're in the grieving process and it has stages. Watch out for anger because it's a nasty one. That's where a good IC can help you a lot.

DONT rush into the arms of someone else.

A good sign that you're making good progress is being alone and being ok with it.

The difference is that you don't mind being alone vs needing to be with someone.

It's tough, but you get to a point where you're ok with it.

I am very alone where I am. But that is why I've joined groups to meet people and get involved in my church.

It helps a lot.

Read a lot too.