So as not to threadjack Myschae:

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Get a computer... sit next to him, get the game.... and join him sometimes. Maybe make a night specifically when you both play exclusively together.


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My husband is also 100% addicted to World of Warcraft. He can spend hours and hours and hours playing it on the big-screen wall-mounted TV he bought specifically for WOW play. He talks endlessly to "his" other players, some of which are women.

I did not ask him to stop playing so much. Instead, I offered to learn to play so I would not have to be ignored so much and maybe it would be something we could do together, especially when he's out of town on his company trips and is playing on his laptop.

I was met with a long and horrified silence, followed by,"Why do YOU want to play NOW? You never wanted to before! I don't think your offer is genuine. I think you're just yanking my chain." More angry silence while glaring at me, desperately wanting to get back to his game where "he had people waiting."

BTW, I am a lifelong reader of fantasy fiction, the author of nine published paperback fantasy novels and a member of SFFWA, so it's not like I couldn't understand a fantasy world like WOW.

But no go. Shot down in flames. Again.
Mulan

That's a pretty defensive response from him. How did you answer?

You certainly don't need his approval to play the game though. You may need to take the first steps on your own. At the very least, you'll be able to talk a little about it after learning the lingo.

My wife, after a few years of me playing (various games...currently WoW), decided to give it a shot and liked it. Enough to justify the investment in another computer capable of running the game. I was happy she wanted to come into my "world".

We have a standing date to play together. While playing, we mostly only group together and do interactive "quests". Sometimes, we'll join a larger group to take on more difficult tasks, but don't feel like the time is as "UA" as just the 2 of us.

The gaming is an escape though, as I'm sure you realize. I imagine it may be full of "triggers" for you and could be challenging to enjoy at times.

Playing video games is currently my primary challenge in balance and removing compulsions. I'm having difficulty sometimes keeping it in it's proper place.

I really hope you're able to break through this with him. I remember how happy I was when my wife expressed an interest in what I was doing. I also have MUCH more fun when the 2 of us are playing together.

I have played WoW for some time. I did it most specifically as an escape. I had difficulty watching TV because of the 'love' triggers set everywhere. I began playing games, because it allowed me to get completely away from the feelings of sadness I was having in my marriage. I didn't mull over everything occurring nor worry that my wife was downstairs doing homework.

I would guess that your history with him and his game has not been good. Just a suspicion, but his reaction is one of distrust. So... I recommend that you just sit down and watch him consistently. You are going to have to show him that you ARE interested in what he enjoys, and that he will be safe letting you into his 'safe world'. I would suspect that he feels that you might just 'ruin' this for him, and he doesn't want that to happen. Your marriage might be on the rocks... given you being here, or maybe just needs some help. But to PROVE that you are true to him, just sit next to him and watch. Get something to drink, sit next to him, and watch him. Don't ask to join right now, just watch him do his thing.

He probably doesn't NOT want you involved, but probably doesn't want you to become involved and 'ruin' it for him by making demands or acting 'wifelike' in some manner. Kind of like if he wanted to join you for lunch at your friend's house or something.

WoW is great and horrible all at once. It is a HUGE timesink. It is continuous... has a huge range of both short term and long term goals. And with the newest advent of being able to 'talk' to the other players, can meet several ENs to some degree.

Don't give up, but I think you need to step back for a while, and show him that you are truly interested and that you WANT to be involved without changing it. There are so many ways that you can be involved which I bet you would enjoy given your background. But he has to trust your good will, and that will just take consistency and proof that you aren't just pushing yourself into his 'safe zone'.

I played it quite a bit when my wife and I were at our worst. She was doing alot of other things... I just dissappeared into the game.

Hi Mulan,

Well, the online games is where my H had two affairs. Your H could be doing the same. Or it could be just as Ignored said and maybe your H doesn't want you to ruin his fun. But either way, it is definitely a danger zone if misused.

However, it can also be lots of fun if the two of you are playing together. My H and I play together and I really enjoy it.

One day, I just decided that I wanted to be more into his world and sat down next to him and watched while he played. This was before I found out about his online affairs and was actually the catalyst for finding out about them. It got my foot in the door to his world and I've been there ever since, and now he is in mine as well. And we have other interest as well, other than WoW, as a result of it.

When I started to watch him play, during his WoW breaks, he filled me in on what was going on in the game. After only a few nights of this, he asked me if I wanted to make my own character and I've been playing with him ever since. The only downside is that it still creates some triggers for me but not enough for me to quit playing with him.

Mulan, if you want to play that game, I'll play with you. I'll help you learn it. It would DEFINITELY be something you and your H could talk about. I think it would open up the lines of communication more, like it did for us. It gave us tons of stuff to talk about in the beginning and now we talk about so much more.

Geeeez!!! This IS a more widespread issue than I thought...
My Husband plays this WoW game as well- often times to the point of my breaking!--and I did once... I threatened to unplug the internet connection while he was in the middle of a "quest" because we were having some MAJOR problems and I was desperately trying to talk to him and was continually being ignored! His response? Said if I unplugged it- He'd leave. plain and simple. No, I didn't unplug it- but I did get mad enough to throw a few things. We have since smoothed things over in the arena, but still its not as good as I'd like for it to be... I KNOW what kind of terrible affects this ADDICTION--like any other addiction can have on a marriage. and it scares me to death. One other major point--
He was in Wow a few years ago-- got out of it altogether as HE stated to a friend it "was taking over his life and seling out was the only clean way to end the addiction" this was as his live in GF of ? years told him it was over.
that was just under a year before WE met.... It scares me horrifically because I KNOW HE HAS A PAST ADDICTION TO IT TO THE POINT OF A LOST RELATIONSHIP.... Although I am certain there were many other factors as well...coming from both sides. I hate video games- always have! So pointless, useless and a terrible waste of time, resources and brain cells.Just like dope... yes- its an escape- a fairy tale world where HE is in control and feels no emotion. BUt it too is also an affair, of sorts- escaping into the arms of fantasy..... He has asked me to join him... I feign interest and at least watch him play some and ask a few questions here and there...but I despise the whole premise and end up resenting it more because I feel as if I am going against my own moral fibres to "engage" in a destructive ( for lack of a better word) activity in order to have SOME time with my Husband. ...I don't know-- perhaps if there was not the knowledge of his past addictions/breakup in reference to the game- maybe I could eventually learn to do it with him. But as it stands.... I cannot. and I do not know just how to move forward in regards to his gaming- which HAS actually decreased a great deal over the last 2 monthes..... and where is he right now you might ask? Where else- sitting on his own computer, right beside me (with my laptop)plying Wow!!! I Wish he wanted to make love to me 1/2 as much as he wants to play the game! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Mulan,


As I said, we used to game together. Actually, I found the game first and got him into it. As I also said, hour for hour, I spend more time on the computer than he does. I just do different things with it now. (No time for gaming)


What would happen if you just joined anyway?

Oh, and just to note:

In general, MMORPG's (Massive Multi Player Online Role Playing Games) are generally nothing more than a time suck. The games are designed much like they design casino's - to provide you with literally year's (calendar years) worth of things to do in the name of entertainment.

People do get 'lost' in the fantasy and they sometimes forget that the game is just that - a game. The "achievements" you make there don't translate into anything in the real world.

People also meet people on there and have affairs. Particularly if you're female playing a female character. If you want to avoid being propositioned at LOT, you might try playing male avatars (characters) in the game. On the other hand -- it's one way to get a lot of free gear (characters are more likely to dump low level gear on a female 'toon' - just my observation).

Personally, I have nothing against them any more than I have anything against any other "entertainment" that has a tendency to turn into an addiction provided that people are careful with them and learn when to unplug.

It's like the old adage - Play at Your Own Risk.

Mys

4Myself...

Yes, it can be an addiction. Just like anything else. It definitely was for my husband and lots of other people. It is one of the fastest growing problems in marriages today I believe. It is a breeding ground for affairs and neglect of all sorts.

The addiction comes from the people who use things like affairs and computer games to escape life and reality. These people haven't learned how to cope with life's conflicts in a healthy way, so they escape into whatever and usually to a very unhealthy level, like your H when he GF left him over it.

There needs to be BALANCE in everything we do. Playing for hours while other priorities, like a spouse, get neglected is destructive and it has become an addiction. It should be treated like affairs and any other addiction, imo.

I've done some escaping myself, but not with the game. It's a issue of personal growth for me that I need to work on.

I understand your resentment of even wanting to be a part of something that has hurt you. However, it helped me to get into my H's world where that led to him getting into my world and we share interest in others things now, outside of gaming, as well as a result of it.

When I first started watching my H play, I felt the same as you. But, I was determined to get in his life one way or the other and that was the door. He plays LESS now because we do other things together too now. It's just a thought.

(((Mopey)))

I REALLY like playing more with you than with others. Thanks for stepping into a part of my world <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Totally agree on the addiction part. ANYTHING, taken to an extreme, could be an addiction.

Even though the game offers no tangible value to real life physical assets, the time spent together is priceless. I believe it may be on the RA list as well. (I have not looked to verify.)

Well, yes, exactly. I WOULD ruin it for him.

He is one of those guys who compartmentalizes his life to an EXTREME degree. He did not start out that way - we had a very good, normal, fully integrated marriage for about the first ten years - but when he started working for his Big American Corporation and started reaping the rewards of his success (especially the office sluts), he immediately went to more and more and more compartmentalization.

Bill Clinton did the same thing.

There's Home, and there's Work, and there's Social Life. He discovered many years ago that he could easily have his cake and eat it too if he just put me into the box marked "Home" and kept Work and Social Life all to himself, and there wouldn't be a damn thing I could do about it.

He thought this was GREAT and still does. He honestly thinks I am sick because that lifestyle drove me to severe panic attacks and inability to function. It's GREAT for him, so what is wrong with me that it's not GREAT for me, too???


Oh, believe me -- he DOES NOT want me involved. Things like WOW clearly fall under Social Life and he DOES NOT want his wife involved in his social life.

Why?

Same reason he DOES NOT want me involved in his Work Life.

It's real simple.

He is a huge, huge, huge attention and admiration junkie - especially when it's from females - and having his wife hanging around at Work or in his Social Life (and god forbid those two overlap, which they very often do) interferes with the attention and strokes he gets from them.

(He was snarling angy once when I wanted to be included at a birthday party that his employees were throwing for him *at a restaurant*. "I want to soak up THEIR respect and THEIR good wishes! Why do YOU want to be there?")

THAT is why I'm not welcome or wanted in anything he does, except in the very narrow sliver of his life marked "Home." Inside of "Home," sure, he'll be very good to me and we'll have a good time, and that has kept me confused and strung along for a real long time.

But if I try to join him in ANYTHING connected to Work or to his Social Life, I will be severely punished with passive-aggressive behaviour and gaslighting. And if that doesn't work and I'm still upset and "out of control", I'll be threatened with being thrown out of my own house or with him "nuking the family, pushing the reset button and starting over."

I am also well aware that this pretty much fits the clinical definition of Narcissism - and there is NO cure for that.

The only thing I don't understand is why he never, ever behaved this way for the first ten years we were together/married. I just never saw or felt this and I'm sure I would have - ?


Oh, I would have been thrilled if he'd wanted to join me at ANYTHING - but if *he* joins *me*, then he'd have to let *me* join *him*, and there's nothing he hates more. (See reason above)

Again - he did NOT start out this way. His huge success in the corporate workplace utterly ruined him as a man and as a person, and turned his (formerly excellent) value system completely upside down.
And I got fooled and strung along for a very long time because the "Home" life was always good and I could not understand why it did not carry over into anything else.

It never did. It never will. WOW is only one more example.

The cute part is, DS20 also plays and sometimes jokingly asks me, "Hey, Mom, when are you going to play? I'll power-level ya and you can join right in. It ain't hard."

He means it, too. He's a good kid.

Mulan (yeah, I know, I've heard it all before, I know what has to be done, I can hear all of you already, I'm just typing, ok?)

I am sorry.

Considering a significant and severe change in behavior, I would seriously suspect an ongoing affair or string of them. The compartmentalization is commonly seen in those types of situations. My first wife actually said that she didn't see the problem with her affairs because they weren't in our home.

I guess, given the additional information you have stated, I would look more carefully for an affair. I would not confront him, due to how you have portrayed him, I don't think you would find any information out, and potentially, it would just put him on alert to be more careful.

Spend some money, and hire an investigator. You might find out everything quite quickly. I don't want it to be true, but it might be the best thing you could do.

resurrected post...need to review...