Mimi,

About the nightmare...gosh, I dunno. Could have been reading someone's thread, reminding you of old WH? One phrase, one action?

I believe we dream about what we're still working out...leftovers from the day...a little reminder or another chance to heal? We call them nightmares when we hate what we experience in them...and we call them great dreams when we like what we experience in them...I do know they are powerful...when we are greatly affected by them.

Seeing your son forgive may have been part of it?

Did you share the dream with DH?

LA

In honor of today, I'll repost some stuff from my older threads..this is from MY GIFT TO YOU...

I just wanted to share what I have learned in hopes that this may help some of you. People here have been so helpful to me that I want to give back some of what I have received.

These are my suggestions:

DO A GREAT PLAN A: Steve H. called it MY PLAN. I tried to figure out what ENs that I was not addressing in my marriage. I worked on these problems. Making these changes was mainly good for me as a person but it also has been an essential ingredient in my marriage today. These changes have become a part of me so that now that my H is back it is not forced. It is natural for me to go to the gym, watch what I eat, cook dinner for the family, consider his point of view, give him attention, etc. These are some of the things that I was not doing prior to D-Day. Of course, I am not perfect. The fact that I am doing enough of these things compensates for my weak points. What I have not been able to accomplish continues to be our primary marital problems. The point is WORK ON YOUR PLAN.

ACCEPT THAT YOU WILL PROBABLY NEED TO GO TO PLAN B: Folks on here told me this but I did not want to believe it. For my H, the A was too addictive for PLAN A to be enough. But true to the Harley text, he has told me PLAN A caused him to think about me a lot while he was with her. Even if he did not want to, he remembered the me that I was during my PLAN A.

THE MORE TIME WS SPENDS WITH THE OP, THE BETTER: This is what I'm repeatedly hearing from FWS. Prior to PLAN B, they mainly met on the the weekends, maintaining the fantasy. When I was out of the picture, he really got to know her. Luckily in my case, she seems to be a nutty, alcoholic. He can't find too many good things to say about her as a real person. She was lots of fun but day-to-day she was not able to do the job of wifey that he needs to make it. Add my SF, physical attractiveness, domestic stuff during PLAN A, he's in love with me again. She's not meeting any needs. He's left addicted to her, hoping and wishing for the drug to take effect again. Let me know if I'm not making this clear because it is an important point.

WS DOES NEED A ROAD MAP BACK HOME (as suggested by Espoir and MM): This is the transition piece that we have been talking about in my thread towards the end of the A. My WS stated that he wanted to end the A, come home months ago but needed to feel that there was a way out FOR HIM . If there was not a way out, he thinks he would have given up and just stayed in his mess. I would imagine that the WAY OUT will look different for different people. For him, he wanted a nice place to stay. A refuge continues to be important to him. Also, he is very proudful and needed to be sure that he would not be humiliated by me, my family or the kids. This all can be spelled out specifically in one or more PB letters. I wrote a couple of letters, I think. My FWS referred back to those. Also, I opened up lines of communication in the end regarding my terms for reconciliation.

HANGING IN THERE WILL MAKE YOU A BETTER PERSON: Regardless of the outcome of this for me, I am happier with myself. It's unbelievable to me that I am saying this. I am a stronger, more self-confident person. So even if my H goes back to the OW, God forbid, I now will not take it as a rejection of me. I know that I did everything I could possibly do to save my marriage. Now it's on him. If he leaves, it will be his loss. He knows this about me now and has grown to respect me.

These are my thoughts for now. Hope this helps somebody.

[ September 15, 2003, 12:43 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]

Mimi - You really are an inspiration to us all here. You worked your plan and it seems as though you never waivered in what you wanted. I am having a hard time holding on to the belief that my marriage can be saved. I think a lot of us feel that way because it all seems so bleak right now.

YOU give me hope that if I hold fast and BELIEVE that my marriage is worth saving, then that could be a reality.

Tomorrow brings a new year. I continue to read everything you write and so appreciate what you bring to this board.

I will try to find my thread because I could use some input!

Have a GREAT DAY!

Queenie:

I talked about MY NIGHTMARE on this thread...

It's a RECURRING NIGHTMARE that I have had...SELDOM..but ONCE is ENOUGH...YUCK...

Ok, I thought you meant it was somewhere else. My mistake.

And you haven't had it since that day right?

How do you work through it when you have it beside posting on here. Do you talk to your H about it ever?

My H KNOWS about it if that's what you're asking. I wake him up by grabbing onto him and I say that "I've had one of those dreams". He always looks so HURT and DEVASTATED when he knows that I'm recalling the affair...sometimes he is TEARFUL...His REACTION evidently shows that he's not that person anymore...It's like he HATES the person that HE WAS...

I guess it will take time...more time...

But I've had to come to an ACCEPTANCE of how TRAUMATIC this is for ALL of US here...

What do you mean? What has that done for you?

Well sometimes I give myself a hard time and say to myself.."Just get over it, You have a wonderful life and marriage now...

ACCEPTANCE works for ME as a coping mechanism..


I ACCEPT that I have suffered a MAJOR LIFE TRAUMA...one of the worst things that can happen..

And recovered.

I want to learn that coping mechanism. It sounds so easy to do, but truly it's not. At least not today. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am still finding the path of understanding how you get to acceptance.