I found out right at a month ago that my wife has been unfaithful to me. Fortunately it did not get very far along before I caught it. Based on both what she tells me as well as phone records it was only a 2 1/2 week affair. And I believe that God protected us in that as far as she says they did not have sex although she does admit to kissing, etc. The problem that I have had is that I also found out that she had been chatting online with other men and even gone so far as to have another man fly into town to meet her, which adds to some of the feelings of betrayal although she also says that nothing physically happened with him.
She seems to think that because things did not go as far as they could have that I am over reacting and should not really be as hurt by things as I am, but one of the reasons that it is so painful is that she seems mad at me over the whole situation.
To give you some history I have had multiple problems in our marriage with pornography where I would find things online and that sort of thing. Each time I was afraid to tell her because I thought that I could handle things and end them on my own, but each time she found out and I know that it hurt her deeply. Today we only have one computer that she takes with her to work and I only use it if she is present because I don't want to even have the temptation of looking at pornography anymore. Since this has all come out she has made sure that I knew that what she did was not any worse that what I had done, and I feel like and understand that she still has a lot of bitterness and resentment over that.
I have had a lot of trouble since the affair has come out because I feel as if this has been taken a step further that what I did, but I also understand that an affair is defined by the betrayed spouse. I have had trouble with angry outbursts and now have seen a doctor and am on antidepressants for the next few months. Although she does not have angry outbursts like I have she has a tendency to say things that are very hurtful. We are going to counseling both individually and together, and I am just wondering if it might be adviseable for her to be on antidepressants as well. I know that this is a long post but I thought it would be more helpful if you knew the entire story. [color:"orange"] [/color] [color:"black"] [/color]

Should we both be on antidepressants? single choice
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Votes accepted starting: 12/29/07 04:30 PM
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I am sorry but I think it is highly unlikely that she was chatting with other men on the internet and that one flew out to meet her and she claims nothing happened. It seems a bit hard to believe. I think she is putting the best spin on it to convince you nothing happened and trying to turn it around that it is all your fault.

If the roles were reversed and you admitted to an affair but claimed it was just kissing and another women flew in to meet you but you claimed nothing happen; would your wife believe this? Your wife has shown you that she can lie to you and be involved with other men behind your back so why do you believe her story now? Clearly if you had not found out she would still be in the affair. Her stories simply do not make sense. It sounds like she is playing you.

I suspect that there is more to this than you know as well jwmc. I would highly recommend STD tests for both of you, just to be safe.

As to her equating her physical affairs (which is what they were, even if it were "just kissing" as she said) with your pornography problem, IMO those two things do not equate, however, I also think the issue is irrelevant as far as her infidelity is concerned.

Just because you cheated (which I don't know enough to say that I would agree that you did or did not engage in emotional infidelity) does not excuse her DEFINITE infidelity. It is true the that BS gets to set the definition of infidelity, but I suspect that her throwing the porn issue in your face is really just a symptom of typical WS behavior, blaming the BS for the state of the M and the A itself. Its a very common tactic of WS, to rewrite the marital history and blame the BS for thier infidelity.

Your previous porn problem certainly complicates things, but I think it is possible that she is simply using it to make you feel irrational and deflect responsibility from her own actions. Its a very effective tactic.

What do you think? How was the M before her As? How was it before your porn issues? How was it after your porn issues?

As to the antidepressant question: I have no idea. I personally think one should refrain from medication unless absolutely necessary, but that is a personal belief and lifestyle choice of mine and has nothing to do with what you or your W should choose. Basically, it is HER choice, not yours, and there's no way anyone here could tell you anything definitive about that from what you write here. Have her see a Dr. or a psychiatrist. They'll certainly tell her she should take something, if for no other reason than becuase its what they tend to do!