I posted this earlier in Plan A/B, but it was suggested that I copy it here, too...

Background: My husband had a PA while he was away for military training. They were first friends, then had sex twice the last weekend he was there. He told me about it when he came home and was very sorry and emotional. He said it was "just sex" and he didn't care about her. However, they continued to contact one another by phone, email, myspace, etc. and he kept lying about it. This went on for about 6 weeks. I kept snooping and finding stuff, even exposed the A to some of their friends. He finally told her they were done about 3 weeks ago -- they are worried about getting in trouble with the military, plus he said it got way more complicated than he intended. Since then, he sent her one text message, which she didn't respond to. She sent him one this week, which I got before he did! I think the A is over now. He has given me access to his phone and his emails, and deleted his myspace, and she lives very far from here.

The problem is, he is still not sure he wants to stay with me. He says he is just taking it one day at a time. He has said that the kids and I are more important to him than anything...but he doesn't feel like he is "IN LOVE" with me (I know, they all say that). He is so confused. He always says he just wants to be alone. I know he feels a lot of guilt and doesn't want to deal with it.

Since NC (or almost NC), he has started interacting with the kids and I more again. While he was in the A, he was cold and distant, but that is getting better now. I have seen small positive changes already.

My question for you all - do I keep trying to do Plan A until he decides he wants to work on recovery? I am so anxious to start working things out!! Ending the A was a big step, but I'm frustrated that he still is not ready to work on recovery. So do you think I should continue Plan A and wait for him to be ready? Do you think the fog will lift and then his thoughts will change?

I have done some reading on these boards and it is very encouraging. I would just love some feedback on my situation. Thank you.

webjogger i know how you feel. It has been two months since D day for me and my husband still says he doesn't think he wants to be with me. He has been more interactive with me but says he is still unhappy and unsure if he wants to fall in love with me again.

It has gotten better but it has been slow progress.

I hope some of the vets here can give you some of the great advice they know how to give but i want you to now that there are a lot of people in your spot and you are not alone.

Welcome. Well, the NC since 12/10 with 2 text messages since then isn't long at all. Until there is NC, he won't want to work on the marriage. So hold your horses.

In the meantime, Plan A, with no disrespectful judgements or angry outbursts.

Believer how long is NC long enough for there to see progress.... to see them to start to come out of it?

The Harleys say less than 2 months. For my ex, it took about 9 months, but his was a 4 and a half year affair.

And of course, everyone is different.

But instead of worrying, it is best to go headlong into a good Plan A. And expect NOTHING.

Thanks. It is so good to hear others' perspectives, especially since I can get bogged down in whatever just happened.

We had a "discussion" tonight about his cell phone bill. He didn't want to show it to me because he feels like he is living under a microscope. He wants me to trust him, and he understands that he has not been trustworthy, but he just doesn't like the questions. However, due to being on these boards earlier today, I was able to stay calm and just talk with him about it. He did let me see the bill and answered my questions about some unfamiliar numbers. There were no calls to/from the affair partner, so that is good. And our discussion ended without a fight. Whew! :-)

Bella - I'm so sorry that you are going thru this with a new baby. That must be extra difficult. I hope you continue to see progress.

He doesn't realize it now, but for you to be able to trust him, he is going to have to be an open book, accounting for his time, his calls, his email, messages, all of it. Such is the consequence of betraying someones trust.

Plan A him, come here when it is driving you crazy. And try to take some time to enjoy each others company with no serious talk.

WJ,

She is the only thing that is keeping me sane.... she is my only stability. As for what your husband doesn't like about the questioning i understand it. My husband is slowly accepting the questions. He has said the same thing about being under a microscope but in the next breath he understands why. His affair was 4 months long before he told me, but he says he loves/loved her. Now he says he thinks he thought he loved her. It is like he starts to come out of the fog but thne starts to slip back into it cause he is afraid that i will hurt him again. I am just hoping with time and as he does see and appreciate my changes that this will fade. I love him and i tell him that so that he knows and understands. He says he has the point now that he sees it and it kills him that he is afraid to feel the same. But as everyone has told me time is wonderful and can heal most anything with time and actions.

So be strong and i think 30 is the new age for a midlife crisis.

WJ,

While it doesn't sound like you are in NC yet (or it isn't clear), you do have some things going for you. The fact that he told you directly is probably a good sign -- I rarely hear that. This one good choice on his part saved you untold months of trying to figure out what was wrong in your M and going insane thinking it was things it isn't.

Also, you found MB early on, which will help.

Try to be patient about his feelings returning.

- WG

I think we are in NC now, but it's true that I can't say for sure. I think so, though, because his attitude towards me is changing. He is more willing to do stuff together - we went camping as a family last night. He doesn't check his email obsessively anymore, or spend hours on the computer. He actually turns his phone OFF sometimes!! He is getting interested in normal things again. While he was involved with her, he was completely disengaged from our family. That seems to be getting better and better.

I asked him this morning to go back to counseling with me and he said he didn't know. I left it alone for now; I'll check back with him later tonight. We went together 3 times in Nov, but he was still very involved with the OP then so it was kind of pointless. I think he is close to being ready to try, sometimes!

He even initiates relationship talk every now and then. Then if it gets too long, he gives up and says he doesn't care. But I know that's not true because he brought it up!

I'm trying to be patient. I pray this year will be full of joy and peace and laughter and restoration.

You are wise to be guarded. Extra-marital affairs are hard to break. He could relapse.

Camping sounds nice.

In my limited experience living with a WS, her MO (i.e., habits) didn't change when she tried to resume affairs. So you should keep an eye out for the same behaviors (wrt phone, TM, secrecy) that you noticed before. But sometimes a WS learns new tricks. You might have to do the tedious and unplesant things like searching his car for *another* cell phone, etc... He ought to be willing to hand you his cell phone anytime; if he won't, he is choosing not to relieve your mind, when he easily could, unless he is hiding something. A clear 'call history' is suspicious in my mind.

I believe some military units have access to a program called PREP that supports couples. Perhaps he would consider that form of counseling.

- WG

Has anyone experienced this?....
My husband says the A is over and I do think it is. However, he just HATES accountability questions. He has an attitude every time I ask him who he talked to. He makes it difficult before he finally answers, even when it was his mom or someone like that. He says he knows it will never end...if I want to see something this week, then I'll just want to see it again next week. (Yeah, so?) He acts like I just woke up one morning and decided to become crazy paranoid wife. I keep telling him HE did this, these questions are a result of his deceit.

So last night I asked to see his Facebook (with him logged in). He says there is nothing to see and won't show me. So either he's hiding something or just being mean, but either way I can't trust him. I tried to explain that if he will choose to be open with me and give me full access to his life, the questions will slow down, and in time, I will begin to trust him again. He's going about it backwards.

Anyway, just wondering if anyone else had a WS who really had entered NC but was still reluctant to be fully open and honest. Does this take time? Should I back off? It's hard to Plan A when he's being so difficult. I feel like I'm making demands (for him to be open), but at the same time, it's necessary. Thoughts?

WJ i am currently having the same problem and i just thought it was me.... i thought i was being too demanding and pushing too much. I am glad to see i am not the only one with this problem. I hope you get some good responses as to what to do.

Good luck

You and your family are in my prayers

Haven't had any responses yet and thought I'd add another question...

Is it "normal" for WS to not want to wear his wedding ring? He didn't have it while the affair happened (away for military training, didn't want to lose it) and since he's been home, he doesn't want to wear it. I pushed for it at first, then gave up because he was so opposed to it. Of course I still hope that he will decide to wear it again on his own. (He says he doesn't have plans to leave us, so I don't think he's planning divorce.) Anyone else experience this?

Also still wondering if it is normal for them to be reluctant to answer questions even when there is nothing to hide. I'm hoping this might get better as he gets further along and past withdrawal...Can anyone give me perspective on this? Thanks.

One more thing - - he agreed to go back to MC with me tonight. Hopefully he will find something helpful there and be willing to go back...

I haven't had much response here, but I'll try one more time...

MC didn't go very well the other night. We argued the whole time about trust issues, secrecy, etc. He understands that he is not trustworthy, but he hates all the questions. So we're still dealing with that.

We talked the other night and he said he would try to work on being more affectionate towards me; he doesn't want to because it "just doesn't feel right." But I went to kiss him last night when he was leaving the house, and he pulled away! This morning before work he did give me a little side hug and kissed my forehead. I guess I'm happy that he made some effort, but sad that he can't do more.

I know we're only a few weeks into NC. It's just so hard to live with so little. This is harder than knowing he even had an affair. That was an isolated event in the past; living with him when he is like this just goes on and on and on, kicking me in the face moment by moment. He says he is here to work on our marriage, but I see so little effort and it's so frustrating!!! Are we in recovery if he is reluctant and not fully committed to the marriage? He says he is taking it day by day.

I'm still wondering about the wedding ring question I posed above...anyone?

WJ,

I wanted you to know that there are people out there thinking about you i was hoping you would post again as i feel the same way you do. My WH has said the same things to me and acts the same way towards me. I guess it is a lot of time and patience that is going to have to happen.

And i know what you mean when you say it is so hard to live with so little affection. I am hoping for you that it gets better since your husband has commetted to stay in the marriage.

You are in my thoughts

The beginning of recovery is the most difficult for the BS IMHO. Your FWH is still "not there". It takes a good while for them to come out of it. In the meantime you continue to do your part. I know it's frustrating and you want to scream, "But what about me?!?!". It's as if they want to sweep it all under the rug.

As far as the questions... gosh I had a million of them that I wanted to ask and needed answers. I didn't know anything at all about MB and I was up and down the rollercoaster emotionally. Resentment, sadness, anger, fear. I was full of AO, LBs and just psycho behavior (at least it felt that way to me!)

It wasn't until months and months later that we were finally able to "talk" about everything. My husband was AFRAID to talk about it because he didn't know what my reaction would be and he was so tired of seeing me hurt and in pain (he told me this later). His first defense was to be defensive whenever I had a "question" or when I experienced a "trigger."

Have you thought about calling the Harleys for a recovery plan? They can help you with this. You don't have to go through what I did. There's a better way.

Thanks Bella. Is your H's affair over? Does he plan to stay with you or is he ambivalent like mine? Does he wear his ring? I don't know if you have your story posted elsewhere, so I was just wondering how things are going for you.

It does help me to hear that other people are going thru the same thing, and that most other wayward spouses say just what my H says! That makes it easier but it is still so hard to be patient. I feel like once the A was over, the next step of working on things should come right away. I am learning that is not realistic.

Anyway, thanks for responding.