Thank you, that's good to hear.

I went out there and just sat to watch tv with him. He was watching some violent documentary on gangs. After about 15 minutes, I asked him if we could please watch something else, since all that violence and death is not very uplifting. He reluctantly switched it to a war movie, lots more blood and guts. I asked him if there was anything on that we might both enjoy and he answered "i don't know" - as in, "and I'm not gonna look." Sooooo selfish, all the time. I don't know what to do with that.

I'm glad you think he will be a good husband again.

He will. Is he willing to do any kind of fun things with you? Remember you are supposed to be spending 15 hours a week together.

How about if you rent movies and watch together?

Ok I just asked him. He said he didn't hear from her. I told him, like you said, that it would hurt but that I would like to know and that I hoped he wasn't thinking it would be better not to tell me because we might fight or something. He said earlier when I asked him, he thought I was asking if anyone from work wished him happy birthday and he was trying to figure out how they would know (or something like that). I don't know. He wasn't defensive or mean about it. He just answered. He said just his step dad called him today, that was it. And then he walked out of the room.

I miss my husband. The old one. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Good. Now drop the subject. You need to make it safe for him to talk to you.

Continue your Plan A. Hopefully his withdrawal will be over soon, and you will have your real hubby back.

Maybe he is still in withdrawal? Even though he did say a few days ago that he wishes he'd never met OW.

He doesn't initiate time together. All he wants to do is play on the computer or watch tv. Sometimes I've asked if he wants to play cards, or I've suggested that the neighbor might watch the kids if he wants to do something this weekend (hinting)...but he doesn't initiate any activities. But he's said that we need to find things that we both enjoy doing, stuff we can do together. I say "we just need to try new stuff until we find some things we both like." Then we don't try anything!!! He IS a very passive personality, that has always been him. And I am a planner. But I feel like he needs to step up and take some responsibility for us getting closer too. Maybe I just need to be patient. It's frustrating.

You are going to have to take the lead at first. Try getting a babysitter and going out to do something he likes. Somehow you need to spend time together.

Also rent some movies that you think the two of you will like. Make popcorn. Have kids in bed.

We talked a little a couple nights ago. I went to MC alone and she and I talked about the things that I want from him. She encouraged me to tell him what I want, the things I need from him. I was confused because I thought I was supposed to stop pursuing, but she said stating my needs is not pursuing; I have to do it with the understanding that I can't make him do anything.

So we talked later that night. These are the things I told him that I want:
1. Affection. --- He said he thought he was doing that. Um, one reluctant quick kiss every 3 days or so is not really what I want! I said, "So I can hug or kiss you anytime I want?" and he asked, "You don't do that?" HAAAAA! Not at all! Because I am afraid of being rejected. So anyway, he said he will work on more affection.

2. For him to wear his wedding ring.-- This seemed to be the biggest deal to him. I don't understand the issue, but there's something going on there. At one point he said he can't wear it because "we're still in the funk." I wanted to say, "No, you're still in the funk." He also said he can't wear it because we are starting over. Hello, he was wearing it when we started this marriage! To me it seems so easy to just wear the damn ring. It seems to mean more to him because he is so sure he can't wear it.

3. To say "I love you" to me. --- He hasn't said that since the A. But when I asked him if he had already decided that he didnt' love me BEFORE the A, he said, "I never said I didn't love you." (That was a week or so ago.) So I asked him to start saying it to me again. He didn't respond.

4. To put that he's married on his online profiles like facebook, etc. He leaves that question unanswered and that bothers me. He also doesn't have any picture of me on those sites. Pictures of him with our kids, but none of me. If you looked at his site, you would think he was a single dad. -- He has excuses about how he doesn't want to mess with that stuff, and how he doesn't care about filling out those profiles, and how he barely uses those sites (that part is true). I just told him that he can do what he wants, I can't make him do anything, but it would make me happy if he did that.

Since then, he has made a small effort at the affection part. He will hold me when we go to bed and for a couple minutes when we wake up. That is nice. But it's just a start. Nothing happening on my other requests.

I don't know if he still feels a lot of guilt? If he still misses her? Their affair was short-lived and he insists he doesn't really care about her. He is more involved with our kids these days and generally more pleasant. BUT HE'S JUST SOOOO SELFISH. And boring! Just interested in doing what HE wants to do and not really trying to meet my needs or doing things specifically because he knows it will make me happy.

I know I have to be patient. I wish, though, that he wanted to have fun together. How can we grow close again when he just wants to play computer games or stare at the tv? If I ask him to do something, he'll say, "Like what?" and I have to come up with something interesting enough to get his attention. Like being with me is not enough. I want to laugh and have fun. I'm so bored! I should mention that we just moved here 2 months ago (a week after d-day) so I don't have any friends here yet.

So this was kind of long but I would like to hear what some of the experienced people think. I get so discouraged that things are not moving along faster, and that he's not more proactive in our recovery. I think our biggest thing right now is trying to get close again. We had grown apart even before the A, which is probably what made it easier for him to have the A in the first place. Ok, I will stop now...

You didn't get in this mess quickly, and you won't get out quickly. Be sure to give him lots of praise and admiration for the things he DOES do. That might make him want to keep it up.

And try to make some friends and get out and do some things so you aren't relying on him meeting your needs. Otherwise you might go crazy.

I just talked to him a little more and asked him to clarify some of the things we talked about the other night. I asked him what he meant about being "in the funk" and that we're not really married. He said we are still trying to figure each other out. He is concerned that the changes we've made in the SF area won't last, or that I'm pretending to enjoy it more just to get him to stay. (I'm not. I really have learned to enjoy it more.) So we talked a little about that. I asked if he feels like he can't wear his ring because he broke that vow and now it doesn't mean as much? He agreed. I asked "do you feel like you want to make the vow again?" (totally holding my breath, nervous) and he said "Only when I'm sure I can keep it."

I think this has really changed how he thinks about HIMSELF. I know he doesn't take any of it lightly. I'm wondering if any FWS read this...did you have a hard time trusting YOURSELF again? Did you feel like it was too easy to cross the line for the A, and unsure that you could trust yourself to recommit to your spouse for that reason? I think that's where my H is.

That conversation helped me to better understand where he is. It helps me see that a lot of this is an internal struggle for him and really doesn't have to do with his feelings for me. When I said that to him, he said "I've told you all along it doesn't have to do with you" but of course I usually assume that it does. :-)

So if any FWs have any insight for me...mostly I'm wondering what helped you get past the guilt and the fear of doing it again. What made you able to recommit to your spouse? Thanks.