I don't go a day without moping about my separation, coming divorce. I play it over like a broken record, I have since I left him three years ago. But in the winter it's worse, especially around the Holidays. I feel like a loser. I don't feel like I can move on. Sometimes I get into "moving on" mode and then I slip back into endless obsessions about what he did, what I did, etc. I'm a single mom, haven't even figured out how to get a life out of the home as my boy is only three, he''s my life and that's fine. I can't picture another relationship, I've always been too independent and I'm thinking men can't handle me to begin with. I don't see myself as threatening, I just enjoy business, I've traveled and I think too much. Sometimes I wish I could just get the good part of my marriage back, the part without the muck, as there were many, many good times. We both messed up, him more then me because he at least called other women and likely cheated. Our arguments in the end were horrible, I resented him, he took that idealistic part out of me. The other night he said he was sorry that he ruined my "idea" of marriage, what that I thought marriage meant manogomy and working out problems? That his running around was cute, that it helped his ego and he didn't think of the consequences if he got caught? That pushing his wife around in arguments wouldn't destroy her? At least he's sorry, he hasn't been before, I don't even think he really is now, he just wants his marriage and child back so he says. I'm tired of living life in "why me" mode. I was once so young and spirited. I loved life. I loved adventure. I loved meeting new people. I dont' know what's wrong with me, I feel that this marriage destroyed me sometimes, that little girl is gone. Sure I'm wiser but I'm tainted. I honestly look at a lot of men, strangers with disgust. I see through the jerks a mile away and there's a lot of them out there. I'm sure there's some good ones, far and few between, but I doubt I'll ever want to risk getting hurt like this again. So if THIS is reality, that I don't really want to date or marry again, why can't I just decide to be as happy as possible - not just here and there - but on an ongoing basis. Leaving the past in the past as much as possible? Why can some people just move on and others of us are here forever going on and on? Why?

Horsey, I am sorry you are feeling down for the holidays.

One quick question, did he physically push you around in the marriage?


I go through periods like that also. I have been divorced for almost two years now and I still get down in the dumps sometimes. Basically what I have to do is think of the bad things that arose in the marriage and that usually helps me to get through the toughest times. I try to think of the facts that "I don' t have to worry about a nervouse stomach anymore when we fight." "I don't have to worry about him leaving anymore." "I don't have to wonder who he is sleeping with when he isn't with me."

All of those things that caused me to be sick and lose sleep are no longer my problem anymore. Yes, you will find jerks everywhere but consider it a blessing that you CAN see right through them for what they really are.

Most people cannot see the jerks and only want to see the good in people. I am one of those people and I am trying to work on that myself. To have the gift of seeing that is wonderful. Right now you are still dealing with the comments from him that he wants his famiy back.
If separation is the only way for you two, The only way to truly move on is the make it clear that he isn't going to get that for the reasons you stated above. Once he stops making the comments and you stop believing his comments, you WILL be able to move on.

I think it is great that your life is about your son. Continue to be this way. Maybe you might want to consider, if you haven't done this already, take your son to the nearest zoo, park, garden, movies, etc. Make a date night with you son once a week or go out for ice cream.

Also, for you think of joining groups in your community. Check out the local church groups or you can check local meet up groups at www.meetups.com where there are people around you that have the same interests as you.

Yes he physically pushed me around in arguments throughout the marriage, usually arguments about his flirting and being stupid. In the end arguments about him sitting in the basement drinking night after night, too important to help with the baby because of his status/job/need of sleep. The end was awful, but so was the beginning of my marriage. Finding emails to other women, cell records, of course he never "cheated" in God's eyes so he says. But he can't remember if the woman he flirted with was married or single, at a chamber meeting, all night, right in front of me. Sixth month of marriage. Stuff like that. I don't know why I stayed so long, I don't believe in divorce. I thought I could figure it all out. Even our marriage shrink said to leave, they all did.

You are right, sometimes I think about how awful it really was. How I cried all the time. How sad I was. How lonely. I was sick. If I was happy, even a day, he'd bring me down. Sick, sick man. No I don't have to worry about who he's sleeping with - sometimes I wish now he was sleeping with someone. I told him the other night, "what happened to all of the women" and I named a few, the hairdresser, the bimbo from his softball team, the ex girlfriend, the spanish woman who left messages on our machine, etc, etc. Does this mean they only get a kick out of it - and so does he if they are ruining a marriage? Where did they go now that we've been separated three years, that means obviously he's single and can do what he wants.

Is the thrill over? Did no other woman meet his expectations? Of course not, no one ever will, he'll trash every woman, we all know that. There was two marriages before me and a live in. His thrill is the chase. Maybe at 51 he's too old and it's not as easy, and he's tired. Easier to try to get his ex back? Or what? That seems to be his latest thing, of course he doesn't "talk" to me about this but manipulates through my boy, even mailing him a wedding picture - saying to ME not the boy of course, here's how it "was." Truth is I almost backed out of the wedding, I was having major second thoughts. I moved in with him a few weeks before - it was "his" house, his cars, he made all of that clear. I was a second class citizen. Yes I protested and faught him, but in the end I was just a sad, lonely, crying, pathetic person.

I hired a shrink lately, wondering what happened to "me" the person that traveled the world, who loved life, who enjoyed meeting people. Certainly too many years with this man couldn't have ruined me? A shrink actually said it the year I left him, "he ruined you..." CAn you imagine that? Was he right? I mean how lo9ng can one be trashed verbally and physically before being ruined for others? Before not trusting?

Tonight is New Year's Eve. I was thinking earlier "I'm grateful for my boy. I could be alone. I could have missed motherhood. This is such joy..." It's his dad that's missing out. Not me. My future is ahead of me, it's not over. He didn't ruin me. I will find joy again.

Hi Horsey!

This is why I love Marriage Builders...I so relate to your post. I have a good friend that reminds me that although my XH had many good qualities there were "fatal flaws". Did he like to see you happy? Did he enjoy seeing you laughing with friends? I suspect not, and it sounds like you may be suffering from years of his harsh judgments and verbal and emotional abuse. It may take you some time to work through this to rediscover the joy that resides in your soul..but you will!

. I also know the feeling that you will never be in relationship again and it makes you sad... We don't know what the future holds, but by closing this door you will be available to what ever opportunities lay ahead. Hang in there - I know how you feel. Sometimes I wish I was one of those people who can just push the delete button and move on to another relationship.. but that's not us. We have to grieve, mourn, and learn. From what I read here, it's really best to go through these stages alone. I wish you a joyous New Year.

horsey - I think you were in a very vulnerable position, and to have a therapist tell you "he ruined you" was not helpful and possibly very damaging to you. There is a lot to be said for the power of suggestion.

I am sorry you're down. I think part of the problem is that you allow your ex husband too much time and attention in your life outside your common interest in your son. Your husband's love life should not matter to you. Yours should not matter to him. Your conversations may be better off limited to your boy's well being.

I think when you allow him time and presence in your life where it isn't absolutely necessary, it's like having a scab torn off the same wound each time, and I think this prevents you from creating a clean slate for yourself in regards to the opposite sex.

Surely you know that not all men are like your ex. Surely you know that. You're a smart woman. And you are allowing his abuse to perpetuate and dictate how your life is going to go? Why? Despite all your hard work to be independent and free of him, you are still allowing him to wreck havoc on your heart and view on life. How long are you going to allow that to happen? When are you going to really take your life back?

Horsey, did you and your husband go to church together? Had either of you been baptized and accepted Jesus Christ as your savior? (and I don't mean with lip service, I mean with complete surrender of all your worldly possessions and pride)

Time and again I read about these failed marriages and nowhere is there any hint of Christ in the posts. Love never fails. But love is God and vice versa. So without God, there is no such thing as love, just a bunch of unorganized emotions... that eventually fade.

I'm NOT blaming you here. I'm also NOT being presumptuous. I just find it difficult to fathom that God, if he had his rightful place in your marriage (as the leader of it), would abandon the two of you like this.

God bless you

Hi horsey, I am so sorry you are feeling so bad now. The holidays can be quite depressing, I know. And wow, the stress of taking care of a 3 year old alone too... my heart goes out to you. But you are right, you do have your precious little boy, and that's priceless. And you will get your life back. You know you will.

I agree with soolee about what your therapist said... *yuck*. Are you in IC with a different therapist now? Would you consider ADs?

R2D: I'm not sure if your post was meant to be helpful, but I don't see much help there. I've read your other posts and I'm just wondering what the purpose is. I don't see much compassion.