He mailed my boy a wedding picture! My boy is only 3-1/2 years old for goodness sake, his dad has lived in another state two years, we've been separated three years now. My ex comes to see his boy once or twice a month. Didn't see him for the first year hardly. I'm sort of glad he's being a decent father for my boy's sake. But we dont' really talk, we haven't. He'll mumble something about reconciling now and then but I'm not interested. He was a real jerk when I was married to him. He's losing his job and is job hunting, he was offered a good job in his state. So I'm not sure what this wedding picture is about, it said here's a picture of your mommy and daddy and the way things were. I think it was meant for me. But it sort of stunned my boy. I mean I left when he was 8 months old, he doesn't even remember his mom and dad together. Thank goodness he doesn't remember the fights as daddy used to push mommy around during them. Anyways I emailed him to STOP, stop manipulating or whatever he's doing. The boy doesn't understand. How stupid was this? Of course we know the man is stupid and doesn't think, that's a given. But to involve a three year old boy in adult issues or to manipulate like this? He emailed back that he's a father living in another state and was just trying to share about his life. Again I told him this wasn't appropriate and he said he wouldn't do it again. He's continued to mail tourist guides and post cards about his state, and my boy said he's chatted with him about trips in the future there. I know I know I know I need to finish the divorce stuff. The divorce was filed, I moved, moved the case and the new court dismissed it due to inaction before I did anything. I've tried to ask him to settle through even a legal assistant at 20k and he won't, stupid because this would be quick and easy, and in court I'll get at least double that and maybe more. But we know he's stupid. He says he wants to go to court and whine that I'm doing the wrong thing. Nothing makes sense. We dont' even live in the same state. Somehow I think he might be moving back, that he's not telling me that if this job doesn't come through he'll show up, if he does I won't be able to leave the area from what I understand as he'll have his parental rights. I know we can't get a long to live by one another. He's a game player, issues would go on and on, inside he must know that. Anyways, just venting as always and not acting...

So, what do you need to do? As a responsible adult, what do you need to do?

Venting and whining are ok.

Your son is a minor - do you have the right to intercept his mail? Is the day trying to woo the child? Is he engaging in a form of parental alienation?

What's really going on and what do you need to do to achieve sanity?

If your son's only 3, you have pretty good control over what he gets in the mail. Visits are another thing, so you'll have to take proactive steps with that. But it sounds like the grass is no longer greener - now YOU are the greener grass and he's trying to see if he can get it back, and will use your son to do it.

Call your courthouse today and get your case on the books for January. If he's not cooperating, you'll have to do it one-sided.

Bottom line, you have to do what's best for your son, so you don't get to be selfish or inactive or whatever you think will hurt him.

You are right, the grass isn't greener on the other side for my ex, I AM the greener grass and he's using my son to get me back. A domestic violence counselor said when I left him "it's not over yet, if he can't control you, he'll control through your child..."

I have to refile the case completely as the old case was dismissed, this means serving him again or getting him to cooperate to sign the divorce papers. He said a few weeks ago if I filed he wouldn't protest but he wants his day in court to say I'm doing the wrong thing. What's his problem, why won't he settle for 1/2 or less of what I financially will get if I hire another attorney. He lives out of state, he can't fight me really, he'd have no grounds to stand on.

I don't know what's going on. I've been told and I believe it - it's a waste of time trying to figure out what this man I married is up to. I don't know if he even knows. Yes, he doesn't appear to be running around lately. I crack his email. Last incident was his ex girlfriend he tried to get together with, I asked him about it, he didn't know here name of course. They contacted on another, in emails he bashed and bashed me, saying we had nothing in common, that I left him at the very first opportunity, selfish you name it... of course he made himself look good, didn't mention all of his constant flirting and who knows what with women, the violence, the meanness, etc.

I'm just weary from all of this. Jan would be a good month to get this divorce back on file. Venting and whining is ok? I don't know, I've done the venting and whining thing for a very long time. It's tiring.

My boy gets the mail every day, it's one of his routines. His grandma sends him cards twice a week usually so it's fun for him, and netflix movies we order. It's only lately his father started mailing info about his state and constant post cards. But the wedding picture, that was out of control, I didn't even look at the stack of mail before my boy looked at that picture... said "oh it's a wedding" with such confusion on his face.

Of course he couldn't read the words, the words were for ME. See here's how it was when mommy and daddy were together, here's how it used to be. Mommy and daddy would do nothing to hurt you, it said. What sort of manipulation is this? I emailed him to STOP and I told him to mail no more constant info about his state and to NOT talk to my boy any longer about trips to visit him. I think he did this the last few visits as my boy started talking. There's no legal agreement.

My mom has said a number of times - and keep in mind she's usually right - that he's filling the boy with "ideas" and can't I see it? So was the shrink right, if he can't control me, he'll control through the boy? Is he getting a kick out of this, that my boy is getting old enough to ask more about his father, to talk about visiting him, and what does it mean? He says he wont' fight me in divorce but he's emailed his friends/family that he wants summers with my son. Thats' what he's up to. I don't think he'll really move here, I really don't. I think he'll take the 100k per year job so he can retire early.

What does it mean when he hires a child shrink for court? Has he been stalling on purpose? Does he think I'm so stupid I won't figure out how he's hidden money. So long as we are married I get half, even half of the retirement from when I left him three years ago. He's being NICE to me so I won't fight him, I mean a girl raised Christian wouldn't, hes' betting on that or what.

Stupid man. I married a really stupid man. A counselor told me I'd get to the point I'd be able to see it play by play. What he says, vs what he does, two different things... it always/usually is. A man lacking character. A man with no self control. A man who talks and can't follow through. A man who likes the chase but can't be a real man. Sad, sad man.

horsey, you married an emotionally abusive man. He lives for the chase, for the success, for the manipulation. Please look for tally's threads, and you'll see your husband in the man she almost married. Your comments about him could be a mirror for how she talks about her ex. And your ambivalence for finalizing your divorce is a mirror for her inability to give up on this 'man' she almost married. I recommended several books to her, and I recommend you read them, too, especially one called "Why Does He Do That?".

What you really need - really need - is to stop caring about him. Sorry, but from your posts, you still care; and you can't afford to, for your son's sake. He is manipulating you, and now that he's not getting what he wants, he's manipulating your son. Do you really want your son to grow up as screwed up as you are? Parents don't get to be selfish; you need to start being a bad-[censored] and smarten up, for your son's sake.

Specifically, you are not setting a correct 'boundary' in your son's life regarding the emails. A 3 year old is too young to be allowed to have unfettered access to email; what you're doing is akin to spoiling a child by buying him every toy he wants - you know that will only hurt the child, just as letting him see and open every email he gets will. You're the parent; you need to act like it, and shut down the emails to everyone except his grandparents. Block all the rest if you have to, but stop letting him have that much control; he's too young to be able to deal with it correctly. As evidenced by this situation. Be the parent.

Abusive men are master manipulators. it's the thrill of the game for them. The chase. The win. And when they don't win, they get mad; they get even; they get mean. Stop this man now, before he royally screws up your son's life. And read tally's threads.