I don't even know where to begin. I'll just lay it all out.
H and I have been married 8 years, will or would be 9 at the end of Jan. Our marriage has been marred by numerous A's by WH. We've been together for a total of 13 years, we have 3 kids.
We were married at 22, a week later our DD was born. Around 9 months after she was born D-Day 1 happened. OW called me on a Fri afternoon and told me she had been having an A with my H, I nearly dropped the baby on the floor. The 1st A was exposed to entire family, we were all devastated. We went directly to MC, the C thought H may be a sex addict. He had the A, but would also go on his lunch breaks with other co-workers (female "friends") and relieve themselves, so to speak; we also had a tremendous cable bill each month due to the many P movies he ordered. H didn't think that was the case, and neither did I at the time, we left it to we were just married, just had baby, loss of intimacy/sex and he turned to P and A. We stopped going to MC after 6 sessions. It took 2 years before we would get past that 1st A.
Shortly after, H developed a bond with my then BFF. I had returned to working FT, working nights - H worked during day so we could avoid paying child care. It started as an emotional A, they never had sex, but they did do other. Again I was devastated, I felt used and betrayed. I had grown an emotional affair with a co-worker, I thought out of spite, I would show H how it felt to be betrayed and cheated on, all it did was make me feel like a hypocrite. We worked on it, left it to we just weren't spending enough time with each other and tried to pull together. At that time we decided we were ready to have 2nd child and our son was born. 4 months later, WH had another A with OW he worked with at a previous job. It went on for 2 months, WH told me it was ended. When DS was 6 months we found out we were preg again. At this time the A was still going, though I didn't know it still. After DS2 was born, H had begun joining chat rooms and forums. He grew a bond with a local radio forum, and started an online A with one of the girls, the eventually hooked up and D-Day # 4 came. (While he was having A with "internet girl" he was still having A with OW. 2 A's at same time.)
I asked H to leave, his dad took him in. I took the kids for a week to the lake to get some perspective. When we came home WH was there asking for forgiveness and saying how much he wanted to make M work. He contacted a new MC and we went at it again. We worked for a year, developing our communication, being honest and open. For a year,I had 1 year of happiness and faithfulness from H - I got to experience what a M was supposed to be. By the end of that year, OW contacted H and wanted to start A again. WH started A again, for 6 months before it was discovered again. OW contacted me, drove by our house daily, showed up at H job pretending to be me, stalking. WH ended A. We changed phone#'s, cell #'s, and moved to a new home in Apr 06. A fresh start. Things were well, we still had continued MC, even through the last A. By Nov 06, I took a PT job to bring in extra $$ for holidays. Apr 07 I discovered WH was having another A, but by that time OW had moved to AZ and it was over, H was on his way with a new OW (co-worker) by May 07, they had become close, but had not slept with one another. H and I sat down, and he said "I think I have a problem. Maybe this SA thing is for real. I can't stop having A's, I'm attracted to all women and MB." He started IC with our MC and joined an SCA group. July 07, I found out he had continued his A with OW, again he called her and told her it was over and she needed to not contact him. He felt guilty for leading her on, and felt guilty for having the A, in his mind he felt he needed to continue the A. By this time things between us were very rocky, anger, depression, no intimacy (we would have sex on occasion - hard for me to let go of mental images.) Fast forward to Oct 07, I found out WH had started A up again with OW. At that time I told him it was best for him to leave for awhile and maybe go stay with a friend. H moved out, I thought to our friend G's house, turned out he moved into OW place - he claimed it was the only place he could go, G would only let him stay for a week but not until Nov. I had exposed to family what had happened, WH moved out of OW home after a week, to a mutual friends, I had told him I didn't think it was a good idea for him to move back home just yet. (I feel like this was my biggest mistake, I should never have told him to leave, especially when I didn't want him to.) WH moved out, and told me it was ended with OW, that he didn't want to lose me and kids. 2 months later we are still separated, plunging faster and faster to D. WH has said he doesn't feel like our M is over, he wants to work to make it better, he's not ready and doesn't want a D. I feel the same way. We both want our M to work, and be healthy, but with all that is happening, we don't know how to get there or if it is even possible. I am having a hard time believing him when he says that he has ended contact with OW, although she still calls him. He says he has limited his talking with her, he changed cell#, but after a week she "magically" got ahold of it. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Or what we're supposed to do. I'm crying everyday and my heart is heavy. I don't feel like I know my H anymore. I don't know how to bring him around to getting help. He is having a hard time letting go of A and lying. I recently found out he has been in contact with OW who was stalking. Am I just being blind? I'm feeling so stupid. And the anger is just boiling. I don't want to lose my H, but I don't know if he can even change? Help. Please.

Hi Serendipity3

I'm so sorry you are here. I am really very new myself, but there will be some amazing people along who will help you.

You aren't along and have come to a very safe and helpful place.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. He CAN change, but why should he? There seem to have been no consequences to his numerous affairs. I would secure my finances and ask him to leave until he commits to working the SA program.

Hi serendipity,

Wow---where to start? I always advise that if you can figure out some way to afford it, working with the Harley's is a great way to get MB principles down quickly.

Sex addiction isn't easy in a marriage. I can only think of one instance on this board where the marriage was successfully recovered, although there may be more. It doesn't sound like his SCA group is helping very much here. If he really wants the marriage, he needs to make some tremendous strides with regards to firm boundaries. He must be accountable.

It seems like you are about ready to let go of the marriage. I'd call the Harley's and let them work with the two of you through this. This is so difficult, it's definitely not a do-it-yourself situation.

I think one thing is for sure...your H will not change if nothing changes. i think the first call you should make is to a lawyer, the next to a sex addiction specialist and the third to the Harley's...if you truly are willing to invest years in recovering your marriage from not only his affairs..but also his sex addiction. And trust me when I tell you that no matter what you think you KNOW about the number of his affairs...be prepared to multiply that by at a minimum of three. When you see one roach..there are a lot more hiding behind the walls.

Personally, I wouldn't want him back after all of this...but what do you want? And are you prepared to put in years of work for a slim chance at recovery(I say this because of his obvious sex addiction). Only you can answer that question. If you are...you are in the right place for the affair portion of his recovery. The sex addiction will need to be handled separately though. People here can give you some great advice. If you plan on posting, I would seek out SMB...she recently went through a situation that shares some similarity to yours.

Good luck to you.