My husband returned from Iraq and I thought our lives would be wonderful. I have been a faithful wife taking care of everything here with the family, home and money while he was gone. Instead of appreciation, he tells me that he doesn't love me and wants to leave me. Our children are young. He loves me as a friend, but does not have the passion for me anymore. I am trying to get him help incase this is depression, but he says it is not, he has felt this way for a long time. He wants to find someone that loves him and that he feels passion. I love him more than anything - but he doesn't see that. How can I love someone that has hurt me so bad and doesn't love me? Anybody have any suggestions on next steps?

Hi Sally,

Welcome to MB. You are in a wonderful place. There will be lots of people who will come and help you with the next steps. I am still learning so much myself and don't want to give you anything that could not be correct.

I just want you to know you aren't alone.

Sally - sounds like he has already found someone else to me. He is already having an affair....

Yep, there's an OW in the woodpile.

Does your hubby ever talk about another female that he worked with in Iraq?

Start reading up on Plan A which is showing him what a GREAT wife you are, with no angry outbursts, disrespectful judgements, no crying or begging. Tell him that you don't want a divorce and only do family.

You need to ID this OW as well....

My H has been deployed a number of times. We have been through an entire gambit of issues revolving around his deployments. when soldiers return from a war having been involved in or observed situations of extreme stress its not unusual for them to be unresponsive to their families and friends, even to want to leave the family, however they don't generally talk about wanting to go and find someone to 'love', they on the contary usually have the 'just leave me the F alone' attitude, that is very very common. It also usually includes self medication via drinking and agressive behaviour.

From what I observed first hand from people coming back from deployments I would have to agree that it's far more likely your H has a OW somewhere in the background, a good bet its more than likely a person he has worked with or got to know while deployed.That person is more than likely a female soldier or service person of some sort.

There is a slight chance its emotional disengagement from his war expriences however I suspect its not. Usually if it was he will talk about leaving. may disappear at times but actually not do much about separating as the soldier is usually not able to get it together to take such logical actions. They commonly do not plan things. Should he be pressing you for separation and divorce its a another sign that he likely has an OW hidden somewhere.

But remember this is a genralisation, just a caution here. Subjective emotional responses from such men can be very different. We are talking likelihood here.

Sallyg,
I am in no way dismissing what everybody else has posted here. I think that it is also possible that there is no other woman in the picture. I will tell you why I am saying this. I recently have been questionning my own feelings towards my partner, not knowing anymore if what I feel is love. It has built up over time, certainly, and I am ready to walk out. There is no other man in my life, far from it. I just don't feel the love that I once felt for him. He loves me so much according to him, but I am also questionning that. I don't feel loved by him, nor do I feel I love him. No matter what he does or what I do, the love feeling does not seem to come back, just yet. I am working on it very very hard, but only because he is convincing me to continue, that relationship takes a lot of effort, that we all have ups and down, and the down part should not be quitting every time we feel on the down side. He is trying very hard to show me love and he is still giving me the space I need, and he trust that there is no other man. I am truthfull to him.
You can try as hard as you can to find out if there is another woman, and you can try as hard as you can to do what the others have posted here, give him lots of love, fill his needs, find out what he needs to feel loved by you, keep giving and don't give up, especially that you 2 have kids together.
Hang in there.