It's been a long time since I've posted on here. I have changed my name b/c I didn't feel comfortable using my previous login name.

My story is this: Found out WH was having an A in 11/05 and exposed. A ended abruptly. The OW was from out of state. WH was very willing to work things out and agreed to every "demand" I made. Unfortunatley, as with many WS's, he was not completely open about the A. Every couple months, new facts would surface and would set back recovery. The new facts were about the A and not any new occurrences.

I could not get over it, just couldn't. So in 9/06, I filed for divorce. We have two young children together.

It has been over 2 years since DD and I am feeling very guilty. We have both moved on and have new partners. I am extremely grateful for my boyfriend of almost 6 months. He is absolutely wonderful and he plans on proposing in January. The children have adjusted very well and my ex-h and I get along fine.

Now, ex-h still blames the whole situation on me saying that he had the A but that I could've saved the marriage and didn't. I am starting to feel very guilty for divorcing. I often think that if I would've stayed that maybe I could've gotten over it. Everybody around me says they've never seen me so happy since the divorce. It wasn't until just very recently that I've been second guessing the divorce. I'm not sure if it is b/c of the holidays and having to share our children or just the fact that I don't have them 50 % of the time and it is getting to me now. I look around and see all of these marriages that have made it through infidelity and now wonder if I could've saved the marriage. I truly DO NOT miss ex-h but feel I've let the children down by tearing their world apart.

I'd just like to get some people's feelings on this situation and wonder if anybody with a smiliar situation is going through the same experience.

Thank you!

I'm not sure why you don't feel comfortable using your previous name.

It makes me a little leery, but I'm going to post anyway for now.

I get the sense that there is some boundary confusion in your mind and a real lack of owning your choices.

You mention that you see some who chose to attempt to recover. You didn't. Do you remember what the reasons were that led you to believe that wasn't a choice you wanted to make? If so, why second guess your decision?

Where you were at that time is where you were.

YOU did not let your children down. Your XH did.

"What if's" keep you stuck. There is no way to know what might have been. That isn't the path you chose to take.

I have to wonder if there isn't some reason for your dwelling on these things now.

Do you have fears about committing in your current relationship?

I just want to re-post what frozen wrote. Keep that in mind! And, how dare he trying to blame it on you when he was the one who cheated.

I don't feel comfortable using my previous name b/c my ex-h also used to post on here and he would recognize it if, perhaps, he still comes on here. I'm not comfortable letting him find out how I'm feeling.

Yes, I do have fears of committing in my current relationship. I have told my b/f this also. It is hard to committ to marriage after you've been burnt and after you realize other people don't always take it as serious as you.

I agree about the decision I made and the reasons I've made them. I guess I don't feel guilty about the divorce, just about changing the children's lives so drastically. I feel guilty for that and I know I shouldn't as both of you have said that it's not my fault.

Thanks for clarifying the reasons for the name change. I understand.



The divorce and the events that led up to it IS the reason your children's lives changed so drastically.

Are you confusing feeling sad for your children's experience and feeling RESPONSIBLE for it? Because there is a difference.

Let go of taking ownership of what isn't yours to own. Feel sad for your children if you wish and when you're done, try to remember that nothing can be done about the past, but you do have some measure of control over their future experiences.

You can do your part to ensure that their futures will be as secure as you can possibly provide.

I certainly understand your fears of committment. Don't ignore those feelings because they are telling you that you aren't quite ready.

If you see red flags in your current relationship, those should certainly be addressed. If your fear is based solely on your past experiences, take actions protect your next marriage from infidelity, loss of love, etc...

Have you considered attending MB Weekend together? Doing so would certainly provide the opportunity to learn some excellent tools to begin a new marriage.

Please try not to beat yourself up about the choice you made not to reconcile. Recovery isn't for everyone and there are many situations where it isn't even wise, IMO. It is a very PERSONAL choice and there is nothing wrong with choosing a different path.

Agree very much with frozen. Guilt is a feeling we have from doing something WRONG. You did nothing wrong, though, so I would call this SADNESS. And of course you will be sad because you love and care for your children!

Like frozen pointed out, the decision to recover or not is an entirely personal decision. Sometimes the resentment is SO GREAT, that it is impossible to recover. But only YOU know if that is the case. Finding out the truth in dribs and drabs, as you did is very damaging to recovery, because it puts the marriage back to Day 1 of recovery with each new tid bit. It utterly destroys trust. This is why withholding information is one of the dumbest things a wayward can do. It is as destructive as serial cheating, IMO.

I think that is my problem...that I am confusing feeling guilty and feeling sadness. All the responses so far have really put things into perspective for me and I appreciate your input very much!

One other thing I worry about is that when the children get old enough to understand the whole situation, they will resent me for not trying harder than I did.

A marriage builder weekend would be excellent. We are getting into premarital counseling after engagement also. No red flags so far. It is just the trust issues I have. He has been absoultely wonderful to me since day one. I should also mention I lost my mother, whom I was very close to, unexpectedly in June which has made this whole experience even harder on me, especially around the holidays. But my b/f has been so understanding of all of my issues right now, and I couldn't ask for anything more from him.

If you strive to have a close, honest relationship with your children, you might find yourself surprised at how understanding they can be.

The "what ifs" can eat you up alive. It's difficult to draw a hard boundary because you can always tell yourself that you could have tried 1 more time, or you could have dealt with it 1 more year - but that would always be true. That's a cheeseless tunnel.

Telling your children that you did the best you knew to do at the time, without getting defensive and resentful - kids know that parents are perfect, that we don't know it all - admitting our humanness to our children is always better than having a "you can never question me or I am never wrong" attitude.

I say don't waste even a minute worrying about something that may never even come to pass. IF they ever do decide that is how they feel about it, they have the right to feel any way they choose.

I have been to MB Weekend and I HIGHLY recommend it.

Not only is the seminar EXCELLENT, but it includes the home study course and also access to the private forum, in which you can post any questions/issues directly to Dr. Harley himself...invaluable, IMO.

Something else that I recommend for you is to read the book Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend. There is also an accompanying workbook (for those eager beavers).

A good understanding of boundaries is such a powerful tool that can affect ALL of your relationships in the most positive way. I'm guessing that your children are fairly young and it would be wonderful, not only for yourself, but for your children as well.

I'm very sorry about the loss of your mother.

cnf, how old are your kids? Have they been told the true facts about the divorce? If they have not, I would suggest telling them if they are old enough to comprehend it. [usually by age 5]

Personally, I grew up resenting my mother for my parent's divorce because she did not tell me the true story or ever explain to me the moral ramifications of adultery. This sounds incredibly stupid, but I was not able to put all the pieces together and see a complete picture until I was in my FORTIES when my son was killed. I can't tell you how deeply I regret blaming my mother for the divorce most of my life.

If someone had simply laid out the facts to me, I would have understood and wouldn't have wrongly blamed her. It effected our relationship in a very negative way, and left me wide open to my father's very bad influence.

So, if you have not told them the reasons behind the divorce, I would suggest doing that. Children can deal with the truth and are not made happy by illusions.

And I wholeheartedly second frozens recommendation to attend a MB weekend. It will be worth every penny and could end up changing your life like it has mine.

Very sorry to hear about your mother, cnf. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

What an extremely important point.

If you have not told your children and decide to do so, I recommend a FACTS ONLY format.

If you delve too much into feeling and opinions, it not only become too confusing for them, but can also affect their relationship with their father in a negative fashion. If their view of their father is to be affected negatively, let it be only because of facts, rather than your feelings or opinions of him.

I agree with frozen, but would only add that it is CRITICAL that you tell them their dad's adultery is immoral and wrong. I was exposed to my fathers adultery at a young age and no one would validate my instincts of right and wrong and just say IT'S IMMORAL. I received NO moral training from my parents whatsoever and as result, grew up profoundly morally confused and starved for TruthTalk. They will need your moral guidance, too.

My daughters are 9 (almost 10) and 6. They were 7 and 4 when the A happened. My 9 yo. knew at the time what had happened as she picked up the pieces on her own as we went through it. I never sat down and explained exactly what happened to either of them.

When is a good time to explain to them exactly what happened? Will they remember it after I tell them once or will I have to explain it again in the future? Also, what is the right way to bring it up? My ex-h will not appreciate me bringing this information out if they mention it to him as he will think it is a direct hit to him by me.

I totally understand about the Truth only and no opinions or feelings.

Thanks for all your advice and help!

I think that any time you feel that you will be able to give the discussion your full attention and have their full attention, as well, is a good time - the sooner the better.

I imagine that if you said something like, "I feel like the two of you are mature enough to hear the truth about why your Dad and I divorced", that would pretty much be an attention grabber.

As far as it coming up again, I would reassure them that if, after having processed the information, they have more questions, they are free to ask.

I would NOT tell them not to mention anything you tell them to their father (not that you would, but just in case) - asking a child to keep secrets from either parent is beyond destructive to the child.

Kids usually ask for the information that is appropriate to their age and level of understanding. When they need to know more, they ask more. So I would just give them the facts (and the moral issue is a fact, IMO) and answer their questions DIRECTLY without elaboration. Elaboration can confuse them and bog them down with details they aren't mature enough to hear.

Let them know that you will be honest and forthcoming with their future questions. That will reassure them that you are SAFE - that you won't hide information from them that they have a right to know and will give them the impression that YOU feel comfortable being honest with them, which will in turn help THEM feel comfortable discussing things openly with you.

No, I don't imagine that your XH will be happy about that. Maybe they will tell him about the discussion and maybe they won't. If they do and he expresses his anger about your having told them the truth, have your stock answer prepared ahead of time and keep repeating it - no need for an argument and you don't have to justify your decision to him.

Something like..."I was advised to tell the girls the truth about the divorce for their own well-being by some very SMART people." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Good luck and don't be surprised if it goes more smoothly than you think (with the girls...not with XH).

How long were you married?

And how long after your divorce was final did you wait before dating?

I will wait for a good time to discuss this with them and have my answer ready for XH!


We were married for 8 yrs when A happened and was exposed. The Affair was in October/November and exposed in November. I filed for divorce the next year at almost 9 yrs (September). Divorce was NOT final but started dating the end of October. I dated 'til March and was single, not dating at all and focusing on my mother's illness and then death (in June), until July when I started dating my current b/f. Divorce was finalized in July.

I've read for every 5 years of marriage it takes a full year after the divorce for recovery, and that starting to date before then is not a good idea.

Just as long as you do understand that MORALITY and MORAL GUIDANCE is part and parcel of THE TRUTH. They need firm moral guidance about their dad's behavior, or they will be left with the impression that you CONDONE his behavior, which will cause moral confusion. Moral neutrality is just as dangerous as lying to them, IMO. Man, my mother created so much SELF DOUBT in me by neglecting her duty to give me moral guidance.

Yes, a mistake I made and wish I could go back and do over again.

So does having your children only 50 % of the time ever get easier? This is hitting me so hard around the holidays.

I am a happy, pleasant person when the girls are around and then as soon as they leave, I'm miserable and down. I miss them so much. My b/f thinks I'm mad at him b/c nothing really makes me happy when they're not around. I've explained to him what the problem is, but it's hard for him since he is the one that has to deal with it the most. Any suggestions?

Still haven't had the "talk" with them yet. They will be back home tomorrow night.