Lexxy, very tempting but I will need my 1/2 of the 401k one day!

BW, I think you are missing the point of workplace exposures. Rarely does the company "do" anything, nor is that really expected. What is expected is that exposing the affair at work will make it much harder to carry it on at work. While the company might not fire them, they will sure say something about using company resources for their affair and putting them in legal jeopardy. Even though she is not a direct report to him, the affair still creates a legal risk.

It is no fun to carry on an affair while every one is watching.

Also, if they are a non-profit, they are dependent on public donations. It would not bode well for their reputation if the news of an affair, and their hiding of it, got out to the public.

She will see any interference in her affair as "vindictive," BW.

BW, think of this another way. If there is nothing wrong with her affair [according to her] and the workplace does not care, then what would be the problem with this? On what grounds could she possibly object if there is nothing wrong and nobody cares?

ok more email traffic from the WW:


Maybe you're right, and maybe you will or have already changed, but I don't know if it's enough. I need time apart from you to get my life in order. You will always be the father of my children, and I will always love you, but I don't think that either of us have been IN love with each other for quite some time. maybe I don't know everything about OM, and maybe I will end up getting hurt, but I won't lie to you and tell you that I don't love him. I'm so sorry for hurting you like this, I never meant to, but I am in a horrible position right now, and I realize that I basically put myself here. I don't want to hurt you by being with OM, but I don't want to hurt myself by not being with him. You will never know just how sorry I am that things got to this point, but I don't know what else I can do to make it better for everyone.

Well, i suppose i have my hard evidence for the GF now!

I guess you do!

I know now what non profit this is and I just want to SMACK YOU silly! Do you know we have had people FIRED from this SAME ORGANIZATION for workplace affairs? This is a CHRISTIAN NON-PROFIT. This is the kind of workplace activity that would greatly harm their reputation.

The guy that we most recently got fired was an ACTIVITIES DIRECTOR at that same organization now that I think about it. I am racking my brain to remember the name of the poster; he was a betrayed husband.

BOW,

I don't post much anymore, trying to ween myself from the site. But, I have been reading along and I must say Mel and others are giving you straight advice. Non-Profits MUST have rules about work place harrassment, and more often than not they have implied if not explicit rules about employees bring dishonor (read bad publicity) to their organization.

I would go one step further, and consider contacting a lawyer with the idea of filing a suit against this organization, AND THEN write the letter to the HR department, and CEO of this organization with the name of the lawyer included. Your W may never come back, but I will tell you this you have missed some very important points in talking to her.

Her last email to you about not wanting to hurt you but not wanting to hurt herself, is as Mel would say down in her part of the country HORSE****. She is hurting her parents (who live with you two), she is hurting OM's GF, she is hurting (any and all children involved), she is hurting YOU, she is hurting the organization she works for, and the person she is hurting the most right now while NOT TRYING to hurt herself, IS...HERSELF.

You need to tell her how "the cow ate the cabbage" with regard to this nonsense of ONLY hurting YOU or her. She is being hurt NOW as are you along with many other people. She does not live in a vacuum and neither do you.

Oh and as you noted you now have the proof for OM's GF, actually her last two emails provided that proof really.

PLease start to start acting proactively rather than reactively. You will be happier with yourself no matter what happens and you will (in my opinion) increase the odds of recoverying your marriage.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

PS: If she replies that she is not hurting herself, then simply ask her why becoming a liar and a cheat are admirable attributes? This affair has caused her to become both and not to mention a slut. Don't think those were on her list of "things to do" last year, or the year before, or ever, and I doubt her parents think highly of those traits either.

Ok its been a couple of weeks and much has happened. I let the OM's GF know about the ongoing contact and found out the OM had already broken up with GF. That relationship appears to be over so this is now a straight forward triangle.-Me the WW and the OM.

Also, about 1 week ago i found the OM's mothers email address and sent an email asking her to use any influence she has with her son to stop this. Of course the WW was extremely mad and claimed this email only had the opposite effect.So far none of this has had any obvious impact on the OM.

The WW has said she still intends to move out but it will take a while for her to save money. She only works part time and takes care of our kids during day. She is keeping her pay check at the moment and is not contributing to houshold expenses. We had a very calm conversation about this and i expained that since she is not contributuing she cannot have access to my checking account, credit card etc.She accepted this without complaint and even agreed that if i really needed additional money i should ask her and she would contribute

I think i did a pretty good job of cutting her off from the cards without it been seen as a major love buster. She is holding on to her own check but I know her and she will spend much of it on routine stuff for the kids anyway. So I feel like i got what was fair here without making any demands which she would view as love busters.

So it doesnt look like she will be moving out any time soon. Im not sure if its a good thing or a bad thing. Im begining to feel that its going to take her moving in with this lives-with-his-mother loser of an OM for this thing to end. In recent emails they are both still professing their life long love for each other and the fog seems about as thick as it can get.

Everything ive read in this board suggests its better to keep her in the home but is there a point where i should push for her to move out?

Another issue im struggling with is making my home a warm and welcoming environment for her. i know this is important and i am trying to do it as best as I can but we live with the WW's parents. they are disgusted by the WW at the moment and are certainly not making the home warm and welcoming. The WW has told me she hates being in this house at the moment and feels like she is being judged every second she is there.

Im not sure what to do about this. on the one hand the IL's are doing exactly what i hoped for but since they live with us its underminging the warm and welcoming home. Should i ask them to back off? or does the benifit of their disapproval outweigh the warm home? Any thoughts.

bw, I seem to remember that the OM works for a CHRISTIAN NON PROFIT? Why not expose him there? [I know which one and we got another OM FIRED from this organization for adultery a couple of years ago] And after you have done that, go to his house with your in-laws and have a heart to heart with him and his momma. Have a sit down with him and ask him "what are you intentions with my wife?"

Your job is to cause as much trouble as possible for the OM so that the affair is not worth it.

How will your wife be supporting herself when she moves out? Have you had this discussion with her?


No, they should show the full weight of their disapproval at every opportunity. It is YOU who should be warm and inviting.

- I seem to remember that the OM works for a CHRISTIAN NON PROFIT? Why not expose him there? [I know which one and we got another OM FIRED from this organization for adultery a couple of years ago]-

GF exposed them there. i confirmed whole org knows top to bottom -i guess its not that christian in my kneck of the woods.


-How will your wife be supporting herself when she moves out? Have you had this discussion with her?-

She really is not dealing with reality in that regard. she cant support herself. She is counting on 1/2 my 401k in event of divorce but i explained that that wld be a long way off. she really is living in a fantasy world financially at the moment. running op lots of charges on her own CC that she cannot afford. this is something she used to do when she was much younger but ive put a curb on during our marriage. No doubt she viewed it as controling behaviour on my part. I was considering talking to OM about the money. He has very little money also. i was thinking of asking him if he realizes my wife is putting herself in serious financial jepordy. Is this a good idea? I know my wife will be furious at me when the conversation gets back to her. I would like some advice on what my conversation should be with OM.

BW, I would still send a letter to the director of this facility along with the board members and tell them about the affair. Ask them what they intend on doing about it and ask them how it would look if this news got out. That will put huge pressure on them to do something about it.

I don't see how the exposure of someones girlfriend, it that really happened, would make much of a dent.

When you confront him, and I would do this at his house with his parents if you can, introduce yourself and ask him "what are your intentions with my wife?" Let him know that you will fight for your marriage and will even call him into court to testify under oath in any legal actions concerning your marriage.

Would your inlaws visit his parents with you?

You can be held liable for those charges, cant you? Is your name on the CC?

-You can be held liable for those charges, cant you? Is your name on the CC?

..wish i could figure out how to do the quote thing. Its just the WW on that CC she has turned the joint CC back to me and ive removed her authorization. I am wondering if I should tell the OM about my WW's procarious financial situation. It seems like it would be bring some harsh reality into their fantasy world but my WW would think im just trashing her to OM. Not sure if its worth it. I dont know much about the OM but from some of my WW's emails i think she is giving the impression she is financially sound.

I think a slap of reality is overdue.

Maybe you need to have a little talk about finances.
Talk to her about selling the house, and what do her parents think about that? Cuz if she continues on this course a divorce is inevitable...

So, will her and her parents be able to afford the house without you? Has she talked to her parents about where they might move to?

I'd throw a few questions like that her way....

In her fogged out brain, she probably thinks you will keep on living with the kids and her parents, and she will be free to go play....

What is this woman thinking? She is also jeapardizing her parents financial health and lifestyle....

Lexxy, thanks, good advice, i have had some conversations liek that but i will do it again. i might even get a realtor to come in when shes home and look the place over like its going on the market. Even in her fog it is important to her that the kids stay in the same house schools, etc.

My bigger dilema right now is whether its worthwile to bring up these types of finincial issues to OM? anyone had any experieince with that?

BOW,

First if you are married to your W, YOU are going to be responsible for her debt even if the card is hers. They will come after you on this one.

Second, why talk to a man that lives with Mamma and has a low paying job about finances?? That just seems stupid to me. He is getting what he wants right now and he is not paying for it. When he has to pay for your W's services, he will go looking for something a bit cheaper or make her work harder to support him.

I really think you need to consider a legal separation on your Way to plan B. Yes you can ask her to leave. By the way given that your W's parents live with you, who is going to take care of the kids when she does leave? Have you figured that out?

I would consider looking at what the house is worth or at the very least sit down with her folks and discuss finances. Given that you all own the house together, they do have a say in this with regard to disposition of the house.

Quit focusing so much on the W now, and start to get your ducks in a row. She needs a reality check and she needs it soon.

God Bless,

JL

I agree with JL about talking to him about finances. HE is not interested in that. He is a pansy momma's boy who has no intention of supporting your wife. I would drive over there with your in-laws in tow and have a family discussion with him and his momma. His mother may not approve.