tt:

Yep!

I'm bad...

-ol' 2long

2 bad. :;-)

=AD

bump.

Still leaving!<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

-ol' 2long

Yes, but are you flowering?

Well, I'm 2old 2 be budding!

Maybe I've gone 2 seed. Crusty pods on the ground around me...

-ol' 2long

Well, at least you're still leaving, then. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hey, you brought AD out.

Hi AD!

Hi TT!

It's so nice to see you this morning in Romper Room. Who else can we see out there through our magic looking glass?

Is that what it was called, TT? a magic looking glass?

Yep, still leaving.

I'm going 2 start counting.

2222nd depar2re day, 2day!

Maybe TODAY should be the magical day!

Votes?

-ol' 2long

Nay!

You may be leaving, but you are not allowed to vacate! This joint needs you 2long. It really does.

But seriously, I'm dwelling again.

And there's not even anything 2 dwell ON.

That's weird, even for me.


Well, so it looks like the addition of several moderators has indeed calmed the boards down considerably, though I do note a pathetic gra2itous dig by (an edited out member name before it goes in) on bigpicture's thread.

But though I think it's good that newbies aren't subjected 2 as much infighting among the vets as we saw recently, it all feels like a big bandaid was applied - the underlying problem isn't addressed. (and I'm NOT saying that it CAN be addressed sufficiently in this kind of arena - so I'm NOT slighting these boards)

And the edits remind me of the censorship on another forum.

I probably should just do something else besides post 2 infidelity boards anymore. I consider my W and I well in2 recovery - even though we didn't do things by "the rules" as envisioned by the MB forums.

I have to be careful of my thought paths, lest I get "stuck" in the mode of making assumptions, looking for drama, and letting negativity hurt my interactions with my W.

Living life after a VLTA is very strange. I'm so content with myself as a man and human being that if the A were 2 rekindle, I would be so out the door so fast and so relieved that... ...well, I'd wish my W a happy life and go forward alone without hesitation. Kind of like what Spacecase did. And it's so strange because there's no reason for me 2 play those imaginary video scenarios over in my head - I just do because I'm here and dwelling on the whole infidelity thang.

I have 2 be careful that I don't interpret triggers wrong. Triggers are "mine" 2 deal with - reminders of the painful past from MY perspective (thankfully, more infrequent all the time). They aren't something I should blame my W for 2day (she has her own, and sometimes shares them with me - and boy, what a different perspective it is for a FWS).

We're doing great, so long as I don't let unwarranted suspicion take over my subconscious thoughts. And THAT is what's insidious about reading/posting 2 a board that not only deals with the subject of a painful part of my past, but continues 2 have this undertone of mistrust and anger.

Anyway, I'm dwelling 2 much again these days as a result of all the recent uproar. I need 2 cut that crap out.

-ol' 2long

Hey brother.. you've got to look out for your mental and emotional health too. Nobody's going to fault you for needing a break, or even needing to get away altogether.

I know I'll personally be sad to see you go, having been one of a handful of people who kicked me in the right place at the right time to get me on track to doing this the right way. Regardless of how my sitch ends up, on a personal level, you did quite a lot to help right my ship.. so I'm going to owe you a huge one someday.

Let the departure take as long as it takes.. I sure's he11 ain't going to rush you out the door.

2long's just 2much for this board <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

2long,

My mind is in a MUCH different place when I am away from here for an entire week or more. When I am with GB I very rarely even look at this site.

But there are people here I am not willing to give up. I don't even kid myself that I am helping anyone here, but it is a social and sometimes a good learning place for me.

We should do an experiment, and see. If we were to stay out of here for say a couple of months, no visits at all, where we would be mentally and emotionally.

How much time would I devote to finding a new job/career down south?

My R is still very good and with nothing to heal from, it doesn't have much bearing, at least I don't think it does, on me being here. Or does it? I am not normally triggered. The religion discussions do tend to put me in a bad place, though.

With you, it may be a good exercise. Amd may very well be a contribution to your marital recovery that you need to try.

Hey Josie, What magic looking glass? What kind of job are you looking for? Does GB have work? Will it be a terrible thing (financially) if you can't work, ie. could he support you for a while? Financial uncertainties give me the heebeejeebees these days!

Big step in April for you. How's P and when will you see her again?

2long won't notice our private conversation since he's no longer around.

"It's so nice to see you this morning in Romper Room. Who else can we see out there through our magic looking glass?"

I remember Romper Room!!!

Didn't she sing "Do your ears hang low"?

Ok, my excuse is I'm English! But we had Play School with the round, square or oval window. Same difference?

I dunno, are you talking about a tv show?

The lady on Romper Room would look into a handheld mirror, looking into the camera, and she would "see" all the boys and girls who were watching the show. She'd say hi and happy birthday to the ones with birthdays.

I don't remember her name, there wasa show with Miss Marsha but I think that was a different show. Maybe it was Miss Marsha who sang "Do your ears hang low."

There was another show, I think it was just local, called Bob Brandy. Anyone ever hear of Bob Brandy? He had a pony, and would show Popeye and Clutch Cargo cartoons. That's the one where just the lips move. lol

Ah the memories!!!

It's too late, I shouldn't post after midnight, I get goofy.

2long,

I'll have a longer post, but your problem may boil down to your own expectations. I think you've alluded to as much in prior posts.

You have mentioned several times recently something similar to: "I consider my W and I well in2 recovery - even though we didn't do things by "the rules" as envisioned by the MB forums." You may be getting yourself into trouble by constantly using the MB forums as a yardstick. For some that is fine, but for others the principles will only achieve the desired results when used as general guidelines.

You are a scientist, you need to remember that there is a reason most reputable universities do not include sociology and psychology in their "College of Science". The social sciences tend not to lend themselves to consistent, repeatable results in experimentation. This is simply because there are too many variables and what appears to be randomness. Someday we may get a handle on all this and those disciplines may join the "sciences", but not today.

The Harleys have done the best job so far(that I've seen) in laying down methods and timelines based on probabilities for affair behavior. In many or most cases, these methods work and the BS/WS follow predicted paths, BUT NOT ALL.

Concern about your recovery is well-placed, but you seem to carry a fatalism about it that tempers your view. You came on board well after my own M was in recovery, but we have some similarities that might allow you to see another side.

My W also wants nothing to do with the MB "line", not because she thinks it won't work, but because she sees no need for it. At this point, I don't really care whether she does or not. I used to not feel that way. I found thru some self-reflection that I had expectations of what marriage should be that were inconsistent with who my W and I are as people.

I did a fairly long Plan A during my W's affair. I decided not to pursue Plan B(much to the chagrin of K and others), as I felt strongly that I knew my W and she would see Plan B as me "deserting" the marriage. Well after that time, during recovery when we were discussing MB topics, my W asked why I didn't go to Plan B. I told her that I knew here well enough to know that she would react with resignation if I took that approach. She said that I had been right, that had I implemented Plan B, she would have assumed I was done and walked away from the marriage. So, strictly following the MB "canon" would have resulted in the dissolution of my marriage.

I'll try not to make this an epic post, but as I survey this board from time to time, I see couples both posting here whose marriages I wouldn't want. They are happy, everyone thinks that they're both fantastic, but I see a subservience, almost always from W to H, that tends to make me ill. It reminds me of that old "Merrie Melodies" cartoon with the big, mean bulldog and the sycophantic little mutt constantly bouncing around the bulldogs head asking if there's anything he can do. Once in a while he looks at the camera and something like "Chester's my hero because he's so big and strong"... :-) Sorry, don't want a marriage like that.

Anyway, I've said all that to say this: You may be in a much better situation than you want to give yourself credit for. Measure the condition of your marriage by interactions and evidence of caring and respect with, and from, your W. Don't use the MB principles or misguided postings by some of the so-called "vets" to cloud your view.

On this thread you said, "I'm so content with myself as a man and human being that if the A were 2 rekindle, I would be so out the door so fast and so relieved that... ...well, I'd wish my W a happy life and go forward alone without hesitation.". I've felt this way for, oh, say, over seven years. I enjoy my W and my marriage, but they don't define me and while any necessity to dissolve the relationship would make me sad, I know I can continue to live and prosper.

That was a really good post heartpain, particularly this part:


I'm fond of saying that only the two people in the marriage know what it's really like. Don't measure yourself (or your marriage) with other people's yardsticks.

2Long, if you're content, that says it all!

And sometimes I do think that reading/posting on MB can sow seeds of discontent for some, so it's necessary to step away from time to time. Only you know if it's time.

PK

Yes. And I keep the yardstick around because I'm addicted 2 the boards. When I discipline myself 2 stay away from them - or go 2 forums not focused on infidelity - I do better.

"methods", not "principles"

"The Pirate's Code is more a set of guidelines than ac2al rules" - Pirates of the Carribbean I. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


Yes.


I predict: 3 million years from now.


Agreed. And even the Harleys repeatedly say that LTAs are a whole 'nother mother (well, they don't put it THAT way, exactly, but the do put it).


Oooo. I hope I don't sound like a fatalist! I've always thought of myself as optimistic, though I have been pretty discouraged at times (most visible here due 2 the na2re of my initial reason for BEING here).


This is very similar. Plus, we're still dealing with the aftermath of my SIL suing us last year and my MIL not speaking 2 my W, except 2 scream at her for not doing what she wants us 2 do (she doesn't put it that way, but that's what it is). But honestly, my W seems 2 feel that our marriage is in better shape than I do, especially after getting 2 involved in the pain here.


This is exactly what I've tried 2 convey at times, and why I say that it would be "easy" (except for the legalistics, of course) 2 simply go our separate ways if anything even resembling infidelity is on our horizon. Missing from this paragraph (until now) is how 2 convey the simultaneous joy that I feel when I say that.


Me 2. And as time went on (and I think this holds for people following the MB plans as well, particularly if they do extend them longer than the recommended durations) I became more and more certain that - whatever she thought it was - I *would* be deserting the marriage. Happily, 2.


Same here.


This was particularly well said. I wouldn't want that either. Which is why I've said repeatedly that I wouldn't force NC because it wouldn't mean anything and my W could always break it without my knowledge if she wanted 2. It has 2 be her choice 2 go 2 NC. I think she has, by default if not by choice, since RM remarried 3 years ago (and so the "threat" has also been removed by another means on that end as well, without me doing anything 2 hasten it).


I promise! And I promise not 2 try 2 argue with these self-proclaimed experts on the "principles" (METHODS!!!, black dang it!) on other peoples' threads.


This is also very well stated.

best,
-ol' 2long

Quoted 2add:

2 misquote lemonman (I think), in a manner he'd be appalled at, I think:

"Not only do they not get it. They don't get that they don't get it."

-ol' 2long

2long,
I would just say, use the forums to your best interests and ignore those "bereft of intelligence".

I would just quote to you the old maxim: "Illegitimi Non Carborundum". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />