So it's just shy of a year from d-day. A year ago the world I knew fell out from underneath me. I've been going through the motions of my life. My WH has not spoken to the OW since that day...or atleast he says...and has said before only to find out it wasn't true. He has done therapy on and off since then...and when I say on and off I mean very on and off. I now have access to his work email, home email, and cell records. All of which has yet to make a dent in the wall I've built against him. I can't help but remember how cruel he was...how emotionally abusive...my thoughts are less of what he did and more when he did it. I was pregnant. Just brought home a newborn baby. I can't help but hink about the picture message he sent of our newborn son to her...one with me in it but with me cut out of course. Like it was their son. I hate him for watching me fall apart...crying all the time...so much so that I caused additional scarring internally. I begged him and he dragged me along like a dog. All the while laughing at my pain literally. I am still so hurt and God am I angry. I have spent countless hours over the last 2 years wondering if he had any conscience at all. I spent hours here with people telling me he was still seeing her only to have me say no way...he said...he swore...he promised. Now blaming myself for not taking their advice. He swears it was nothing more than emotional...except for the spending our son's birthday in her bed "sleeping" and nothing more and the many trips to her apartment and the kiss SHE forced on him. Problem is he's not big on answers and way too big on I don't remember. Which leaves me with what she said and my imagination. However he does confirm just about everything she said with the exception of him telling her he loved her. Not that it matters since he had told her several times that he was going to leave us for her...which he also told me. There just seems to be so much water under the bridge.

My therapist told me that there are 2 types of people in this situation...someone who can live with never haveing COMPLETE trust and someone who can't. Basically if your alright with not knowing then you can move on and forgive the WS for their A or if you are someone who needs certainty than you find forgiveness in leaving. Thing is I've never been the overly forgiving type...it takes me a long time and when I do come around theres always a distance.

We have 4 beautiful children. But I don't know that he's good for them. My son, when he gets mad at me, he says I want daddy to come home because he's mean to you and I'm mad at you! My WH since dday has started hitting walls or breaking things when he's mad subsequently so has my 4 year old. My daughters swear they're never getting married because men are unreliable. I don't want that legacy for them. But I also know what divorce can do to them. My WH is a child of divorce and look how he ended up treating his marriage and children.

I am so confused. I know loving him is a choice as opposed to a feeling but is it the choice I want to make? I know the only person who can answer that is me but is it normal to still feel like this after a year??

Melly

Then you must teach them that *women* are reliable -- that they can rely on THEMSELVES even if/when they cannot rely on men.

It sounds like the biggest problem now is his sheer lack of remorse and complete lack of empathy for what he has put you through - and since he clearly doesn't regret a minute of it, what reason on earth do you have to think he wouldn't do it again?

Of course you are angry. He has treated you horribly and has no remorse. Any sane person would be outraged.

If you want a divorce, mellysue, you have certainly "earned" one. The only lesson you will be giving your daughters *and* your son is that women are NOT to be used and abused and treated like mere things for some man's entertainment when HE happens to feel like being around, and that no woman has any obligation to stay around for that.

You deserve some peace and security in your life, and so do your children. It's clear that you are never going to find any of those things with this man.

Good luck to you in finding peace and security in your life.
Mulan

Hi Mellysue....

I can feel your pain. I've been there. My gut feeling is that your H is still hiding secrets, maybe even still in an affair. I feel this way because of his anger, his lack of willingness to answer your questions, and the "I don't remembers". And because of all of that, what you are feeling is completely normal.

My H was the same way, with what seemed to me little remorse as well. I knew something wasn't right. His defensiveness when I asked him questions wasn't right. I demanded a polygraph and he said he'd never take another one because he'd taken one for a job once and "he'll never do it again". Well, I insisted he take one in order for me to stay in the marriage because his answers just never added up to me. He was willing, for three days, to get a divorce instead of taking the test. Then, he decided to come clean this past August with the rest of what he was hiding and it's in my sig line.

My point is, I think your H is acting the way he is for a reason. I think he's been lying to you about his affair and hasn't come clean.

The lie detector test was the best $300 we've ever spent. Just a thought.

{{{{{Mellysue}}}}

We did do a polygraph shortly after dday...which he failed with flying colors. He claims the did not have sex with OW but polygraph said he did. He claims to not have told her he loved her...again polygraph says he did. His claim that it was her that kissed him got blown right out of the water too. He says he was scared because the administrator was very intimidating and wants to take another one. However I don't see how that one would come back any differently. After months of asking questions he doesn't remember...didn't remember on dday. One of his therapists says it's because people remember what's important to them hence the reason I remember the things that hurt me and nothing good. But she was also content in letting him believe his mom made him do it. The therapist we saw together told him that he wouldn't have continued to make the 1.5 hr drive if he wasn't getting something from her. Probably the reason he left that therapist. Too much he didn't want to hear or be held accountable for.

It just feels like this has been 2 years of going around in circles. So many lies and they just keep mounting. Recently he admitted that she told him to go to someone elses the day that he left us. He claims that she begged him to come over and he felt bad for her as she was pregnant with someone elses child and he wanted nothing to do with her due to her issues. And that it was that night that he had drawn his line in the sand and decided to never go back. My take...she didn't jump up and down with excitement when he said he'd left us and some switch got flipped. Likehe realized OMG what am I doing...I've lost my family and she doesn't even want me?? I don't know...maybe that's just my mind spinning. It seems to do a lot of that since dday.

He says the words I'm sorry all the time but I've heard it all before. And "it's been a year...just choose to be happy"...or "don't you love me"...and "I love you so much...I'm right here waiting for you. You can trust me. I gave you my email, my cell records.." I'm not an idiot. There are more ways to get in touch with her. The worst part is that this has left a gaping hole of self-doubt the size of the grand canyon in my soul. I keep thinking if I had just listened to my gut or the many on here who warned me I'd have been able to change it. But when I think back I think of all the times I should have let him. I don't regret what he did as much as how I handled it. I should have told him to leave so many times. But didn't and now I feel like I've let everyone down.

Melly

Well, no wonder you feel the way you do. There's no trust which is the foundation for a healthy marriage.

If it were me, I would probably boot him out the door until he is able to pass a polygraph, which means he'll have to come clean first. I am sure he is lying to you.

I would probably go into plan B with a passing test being one of the stipulations. The other stipulations would be IC for him on a REGULAR basis and MC for a few months until he could return and then more counseling upon his return.

And he believes that his Mom made him do it? Your H is definitely not taking ownership for his mistakes and in my opinion seems like a child. I can see how this affects his level of remorsefullness as well. I wouldn't trust him one bit to not do it again.

I don't doubt that you are miserable in this relationship. It is time you determine what you value and make a plan to get there. Only you can control your happiness.

It's not too late.

I always come back to having him leave. And I did have him leave in the spring for like 2 months and ended up having him come back. For some reason I don't quite understand. The kids and I seemed happier. Aside from the money issue. He actually has an apartment that he rented when I asked him to leave. Why did I have him come back? He doesn't relieve the stress really. Sometimes he'll help clean up but that isn't enough for me to have changed my mind.

Now I worry that the move out-move in drama will only hurt the children more than we already have. I just want to save them and everyone any more pain. WOuldn't it be super confusing for them? I just want to feel like I'm doing something right for a change.

It's weird though because he used to say that I was out of his league and I never felt that way. Now I'm fully believe I'm too good for him. I never used to look at him and think your really young now all I see is a child. I was always a kid who was like a mini adult he has always had someone doing everything for him so he expects life to just bend to his will. That is a phenomenon I don't understand. He has no respect for me or my feelings. He keeps saying he has hope and right now I need guarantees. He says that he KNOWS he'll never do this again. When really he couldn't...the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. What I KNOW is what he's capable of. What I feel is he must have hated me to present me the way he did to others. His coworkers believed I was having the baby for extra money!! But it's just those little things that creep their way into my thoughts. He believes that if he cleans, buys me things, and smothers me with affection I'll forget or at the very least forgive. He doesn't understand that I already know the answers...what I need is to hear them...have him be accountable. Without redemption how can I forgive?

I know I can be fine without him...it's my hopes and dreams for our marriage that I'm having such a hard time with. I grieve that loss every day. I grieve the faith I had in us. He wants to recreate a past I despise. A past I believe brought us here.

I was thinking this was how you were feeling before I even got to this. And I understand completely.

You are trying to hold onto an "illusion" of happiness that just isn't there, but you want it to be. His outward behaviors of "helping around the house" etc. really get to me too. I know. I have the t-shirt. Those things are nice, but nothing compared to a repentent heart.

Yes, the moving out and upsetting the kids is a hard pill to swallow. But they are no better off with a Mom who is depressed because of her relationship with the father. How old are the kids? If they're old enough, you can explain some of this to them so that they understand why you feel the way you do.

My oldest is 11 and she has had the hardest time as she knew even before I did. My other daughter is 5 almost 6. She thought they were married for a long time and now just thinks that daddies have girlfriends and her daddy is a liar. My older son is 4 and the baby is just 17 mos. It's weird though because he is the most protective of me when my H is around. I think he has been the most hurt by all of this as strange as that sounds. He was born in the midst of the hardest period. He has seen more than anyone how upset I've been. He has seen every tear...every flicker of pain. As a result he seems to always be trying to get my attention...I think to distract me is more likely. He has had less from me than all the other kids. My heart has never been whole in his whole life. And when that happens he gets deprived...adding to my guilt.

My daughters are aware of what my WH did and why he had to leave the first time. In fact my oldest told me she didn't want him back. Partly because she didn't believe he had learned his lesson and partly because of his behavior. During this whole thing he told her that the reason he was never around was because they annoyed him and never listened to him. The day before Christmas Eve they asked if the tv meant more to daddy than they did and that he obviously didn't care about them since he spent the night at her apt on their brothers birthday. I don't know how to explain the lack of a permanant decision. The back and forth of it all. I feel like if I have him leave again...it should be for good. But then there's the nasty whatif again. They don't trust him any more than I do especially the girls. And the boys don't really seem to notice he's missing. I know that's where I need to go but I hate the idea of hurting them and making our lives more difficult financially.