I've only posted a few times. I mostly read the questions people post and your answers. I don't feel I am at any point ready to even give my opinion on any of the questions asked. Up until a month ago I thought I was maybe what some would call a veteran in recovery. I now know that I'm not.

I've posted my story a with my questions so not to do that again... WH has had 2 ONS 3 yrs apart and a brief PA with a woman he met online 2 1/2 yrs ago. There is absolutely NC, I know that!! We went to MC and I to IC and I went on antideppressants. Things got alot better, or so I thought. We were doing really good. Meeting ENs and trying hard not to LB and found that got easier and easier.

He received about a month ago what may have been just a coincidental (sp) text message. It was from a woman. I called she said she didn't know what I was talking about. He swears he has no idea who it was from. I put the keylogger back on the computer. No emails that I don't know about and have passwords to. No chat rooms, myspace, etc. He was looking at videos on you tube of women dancing, stripping, and other pictures like that.

I waited about 3 weeks then let him know I knew about this. One of my stipulations for even trying to make this work was for him to stay off the computer. He didn't and this really upset me.

I now realize that I over reacted a bit. But what this made me realize is that I was not over what happened in the past like I thought I was. I have since been dwelling on the fact that I CANNOT trust him. I feel like there's no way to get it back.

I have had this gut feeling since the 1st Dday 6 yrs ago that there is something more that I don't know about. He swears that there isn't. I don't know why I have this feeling I jsut do.

How do you get past this kind of feeling? I used to just push it aside because I've done all the investgating that I can and can't find anything else. I told him the other day that I think the only way for me to believe him is to either do a lie detector test or hypnosis.

He said that one of his buddies could do the test. I said that I wouldn't trust that. Plus, there's a part of me that doesn't want everyone knowing. Close friends and family do know, that was part of exposure. He says he doesn't believe in hypnosis. I'm not sure I do either but I am willing to look into it if I thought it might help.

What are some of the things that helped you to get past the part that you just don't trust WS? If I can't get it back even a little bit I feel like we should not stay together.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

If he's not supposed to be on the computer anyway, why not get rid of internet access?

Every time I mention this to someone going through this stuff, they always react like I just told them to cut off their right arm.

The bottom line is that except in a few rare cases for a job, the internet is strictly a luxury, not a necessity. Lose it.

As far as trusting him, you shouldn't. Ever. if you end up divorced and remarried down the road, you shouldn't trust him, either.

I think the best most BSs can hope for is to not suspect their WS of currently being in an A. Trust is not an option for the wise.

You should never trust him. It isn't lack of trust that destroys marriages, but a lack of boundaries. If it were me, I would ask him to take the lie detector test. More often than not, they spill their guts before they ever get to the test.

But first, try printing this out and handing it to him:

"To Whomever,

"I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to "look" at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn't mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'm going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.

"You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you're carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the "STUFF" to figure out OUR reality. There isn't really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don't have.

"Now let's enter my reality. Let's both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever "feel" complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what's the difference, it's not important. Then later when I'm expected to "understand" the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can't just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.

"So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don't you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.

"So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn't come from jealousy, it doesn't come from spitefulness, and it doesn't come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn't it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn't it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can't and the reason I can't is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world."

(end of Joseph's Letter)

Go with your gut. Get the polygraph test and don't use his buddy. YOU pick out the person to do the test. It'll be the best money you ever spent. It's worth the peace of mind.

With the stuff that your H is looking at on the internet also tells me he is still wayward and "doesn't get it". I do not think you are overreacting.

uh huh. There go those pesky "feelings" again, CW2007.

Where is it written that if you don't trust your spouse you should get a divorce?

That's not to belittle your feelings or your lingering inability to trust your husband. It's simply an attempt to help you think about the "importance" of trust in your marriage and what it is that you don't trust.

You CAN be married without trust and without love. All it takes is a commitment to BE married.

So specifically can't you trust about your husband?

What CAN you trust?

What this is leading to is "earned trust," not "blind trust."

What this is leading to is forgiveness of the sort that is embodied by "love covers over multitude of sins."

It seems as though trust is becoming an "all or nothing" sort of thing and maybe we should explore that a little.


"What are some of the things that helped you to get past the part that you just don't trust WS?"

Listing what I DID trust about my spouse.
Listing what I DID NOT trust about my spouse.

On the "major" issues related to infidelity and trust rebuilding: "Trust unless given a valid reason not to trust" and "Trust, but verify" so that you will know fact from fear. NOT finding something is valuable in rebuilding "earned trust," as is the need to begin to lower the walls of distrust and fear as nothing is found. IF something is found, it can be addressed and the process of rebuilding trust in that area can be started again. NEVER allow yourself to go back to simple "blind trust" in the major areas again. But that does not mean never trust again. It means trust as long as there is no valid reason not to trust.

God bless.