I had previously been calling and texting WS everyday just to let him know that I was thinking of him etc... This doesn't seem to be working. He says he'll call & then doesn't, makes another plan to call & then doesn't. Knowing full well I'm home here waiting for his call.

It was suggested to me to stop calling & texting and make him come to me. Have him call me or email me. Our situation is a little different and my thread is down in the just found out forum.

I'm confused & don't know what to do.

Hi Sunshine!

Before I went into B, Mr. Gray wasn't communicating with me at all.

I guess he got a bee in his britches because of the temp hearing or whatever.

I emailed him...not every day but maybe every few days or so, just talking about life in general, things going on with the kids, etc.

He eventually started responding. I was in IM with DIL one day when he logged in and I "winked" at him. He answered immediately

What a shock!

That's why it kinda sucked for me to go into B so soon after that because he was communicating with me again.

I feel that he knows what's going to happen and he was reaching out. I might be wrong but I don't think I am.

But then I had to go into B. I'm glad I did, though. It was the right thing to do.

Boy, I did carry this on, didn't I?

I'm sorry.

But anyway, just keep it light and maybe not every day but every 3 or 4 maybe.

Talk to him about things you are doing, things that have happened, stuff like that.

None of the "I love you and I miss you" stuff. This is just MHOO, though. Someone else might have a better idea.

Happy New Year!

Yeah, I gotta stop with the I love you & miss you stuff. Another poster suggested that I stop that & maybe he'll get interested and start calling & communicating more.

Thank you for your response Charlotte.

You're welcome, Sunshine!!!!

Hi LA,

Sending those text messages and calling your husband may in fact be 'love busters' because he doesn't want to hear them right now. Although your natural reaction is to remind him of your love, he is in a place where he does not want to be reminded every day - so for now you will need to back off.

Have you read as much as you can on this website? There is a lot to learn about Plan A and Plan B, love busters and a lot of other helpful information. So while you are waiting for him to call, you can be using the time to be reading up on all the things you can do to help the situation.

Your right. Never thought of it that way. I've read the entire website and all of the books. Right now he isn't giving me any positive signals. Only negative ones. I guess I'll lay off all the lovey dovey stuff and see what happens.

Today just happened to be a harder day than usual and I needed some reassurance if I was on the right track.
Thanks.

Just to let you know, I was doing and saying the same things to my WS. When I backed off with the I love you's, etc.. she seemed to respond more. He already knows you love him and doesn't need to be reminded. If you back off and stop calling him everyday, he will probably start to get curious and call you. I know what you're going through and how hard it is. I am fighting the urge to call my WW today as well and I do this everday. That's when I come to MB and either read or vent.

LA,

How can he miss you if you don't go away?

Well, I'm in LA & he's in AZ. I know he misses me, but that's what he has OW for. So I'm struggling for a plan.

I fully use and try to follow Marriage builder principals. but sounds like you could try doing a 180 talked about by Michelle Weiner Davis. Here what it calls for just a another idea for you to try if you feel plan A or plan b isnt for you

So here's the list:

Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
No frequent phone calls.
Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
Don't follow her/him around the house.
Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
Don't ask for reassurances.
Don't buy or give gifts.
Don't schedule dates together.
Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!
If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!
Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
Don't be overly enthusiastic.
Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!
Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"
Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."

I intend to put this into action. We'll see if it works. Because I'll admit on D-day I was right there crying on my hands and knee's begging for a 2nd chance. Blaming myself entirely for everything. I was a mess.