My husband has been spending alot of time here and he suggested I post.

We've been married 17 years and I don't want to be married to him anymore. Our marriage has been rocky and he's criticized me for one thing or another the whole time.

I had/have been having an affair for the last 2 years with someone who I thought really appreciated me for who I am, which I didn't feel my husband did.

I tell him I just can't be "in love" with him anymore and he just doesn't want to listen.

Since finding out about the affair he's made some very serious changes but it's too late.

Please help me explain to him that he just needs to let me have a divorce and move on with my life!

Also, we hve 2 teenage children

Any help would be appreciated!!!

Welcome to Marriage Builder's, ISD.

A question for you. If you could have the marriage of your dreams where ALL your needs were being met, but with your husband. Wouldn't that be the best choice?

Jo

imsodone,

This really is a marriage building board and you just aren't going to find the help you need to continue an affair or leave your husband on this board. Every single day we see the consequences and tragedy caused by infidelity and divorce.....so it's not realistic to expect the kind of support you seem to be looking for. I know you really feel as though you'll never be able to love your husband again....but I don't think you realize how much the chemistry of affairs is affecting your perception while you're still seeing the OM.

You said you "thought" that the OM really appreciated you? I thought that was a rather odd choice of words. Does that mean that you aren't so sure?

Jo has asked you a really great question....I hope you really think about your answer.

star*

Hi ISD,

My husband thought that I couldn't change. He thought that his needs couldn't be met.

He thought it was too late, and that because he had an affair, I could never forgive him. He thought he had gone too far, he thought I would never love him again, and then he thought it would be better if we just called it a day and walked away from it all.

He thought wrong.

Marriages CAN change. Your feelings CAN change. You can have the marriage of your dreams, with your HUSBAND.

Because, you even said, he's made some serious changes. That tells you it can change, right?

And let me ask you this:

If you had spent the time and effort

towards loving your husband

instead of spending it with another man

how great do you think your marriage would be right now????



I told my husband that he and I would have had a great marriage if he had spent one-half the time seducing me that he spent seducing his other woman.

Isn't what you crave a man who will meet your emotional needs?

Someone who will spend time with you, talk to you, understand what you want and need to be happy?

What if your husband had found a place that would teach him those things, and had begun to travel down a road that would change him into someone who would do exactly that?

Wouldn't you want THAT man in your marriage.............
What a fantasy that would be.


I have that man in mine, now.

Because we found Marriage Builders, and we recovered from his affair. And we followed the plan here when I discovered his affair. We didn't throw in the towel, we didn't divorce, and he cut off ALL contact with the other woman immediately.

We recommitted to the marriage, and said we would work on it.

And it was work.

But worth every single tear.

And no, I'm not a paid endorsement.

me either....but I too brought my marriage back from the brink of divorce and we are....almost 6 years (yeah....2008) in recovery now.

If your H is here posting, he obviously cares about your marriage.




That certainly is your choice.



Do you have any ownership for problems in your marriage or is it all your H's fault.



I can't tell by this statement if you are still having the affair. You do realize that you own this choice right? It isn't your H's fault that you are having an affair. Marital problems are not fixed by jumping in bed with another person.

Who you are is a wife and a mother. If this person appreciated you for that, he would have been respectful of those roles...the most important roles in your life. he didn't..and I am sorry to say, you have been duped...just as the millions of other affair partners are every year...you have been used...that is not liking you for who you are...it is using you for what he could get.




So the "till death do you part" aspect of your vows meant what????



Sorry, I can't do that. See, I see a father fighting for his family...against the evil being visited upon it by his wife...his children's mother. Your H deserves better than what you are doing right now. So do your kids. Give your marriage a year without interference from other men in your life. See what recovery could take place. Obviously being in the throes of a fantasy (by that I mean false) relationship, it is not possible to look at your marriage with objective eyes.

If you really insist on a divorce, are you prepared to give your H all the marital property and custody of the kids...since it is YOU that is breaking the contract of marriage by having your affair?





And how proud are your children going to be of their mother when they find out she has been rutting with another man? I can tell you from personal experience...my son has at best, a cursory relationship with his mom now. See, children have this little issue about wanting their parents to be together and really hold grudges against a parent that has decided that their family was less important than a roll in the hay with another person.

You can find a lot of help here. We all would like to help you...but you will not find support for your screwing another man while you are married. That isn't going to happen on this board.


Many people that were in your shoes are now happily recovered and wouldn't trade their lives for anything. Seek out Mrs. Wondering for help.

Rise above what you have allowed to happen. Be the mother and wife you were meant to be. You most likely will be very surprised at the changes your H can make.

MEDC

ISD...

Why is it too late? When is it ever too late to do the right thing? You know no one ever regrets doing the right thing...

I myself am a FWW that said the very typical "too little, too late" thing...I found out that I was VERY wrong...I found out that a recovered marriage with my husband was absolutely possible and completely incredible...

I've been where you are and I can tell you that the WORST mistake that you could ever make is walking away from your family and a man that loves you enough to give you a second chance...His being able to do that is the very definition of Amazing Grace...Walking away from something that special would be a horrible tragedy...I hope you will stick around and talk to us...

Mrs. W

ISD,

We hope you've read the responses and will respond.

Also, any chance you can tell us your husband's MB screenname?

Jo

imsodone,

I'm glad your here.
This is a great forum to stay connected with.

I came here after an affair of about 9 months. I did have a different purpose however, mine was to find help saving my marriage.
I told my beautiful wife of 19 years and my five children that I was sodone also....so very sick I was and didn't even see it.... I was no longer the person I knew any more. as I look back on it all - I had lost my way!

You think this other man is offering you something you don't have. I can tell you from experience he is offering you only a false appearance. The real deal is right there in front of you, your husband and your kids - AKA YOUR FAMILY.
Are you really ready to abandon them, yes thats what it is called, ABONDONMENT.
You allowed a man into your life that is willing to take another mans wife and another mans children...He is not the man you think he is.. He is a liar and a thief and has allowed you to beleive you will be better off with him.
Not a chance.....

You see all affairs come to an end sooner or later and the question for you at this point is what will be left if you continue along as you are going....
When this other man is done with you, you will be alone! Your children will have been destroyed, your marriage will have been destroyed and you will be limping through life wondering how could you have done what you have done.

You will have no influence in your teenages lives because you will be seen by them as a cheat and a liar - they will despise the choice to abandon them and spend countless nights(just like mine did)crying themselves to sleep.
This will be your reality, all for a man without moral values.
Your thinking of trading in the real deal for what? This other man is not the real man you think he is!!!

You can end all this deception you have chosen and work with wreckless abandon to put your marriage and your family back together....Trust me it is the better.

Put your anger aside and the thoughts that you are all alone aside and stop this attack on your family. Step out of the confusion and step back into reality for a moment and see if you can really be honest with yourself, with God and your husband.

If you could look at what your doing from the outside,you would be appalled at the choices your making.

I'm praying for you and your husband and the assult your children are experiencing.

ISD,

Many years ago, my husband sat me down and said these words to me,

"I don't love you. I never have loved you. I never will love you."

And he walked out the door.

I was devastated. He had given me no indication that he was unhappy - we were best friends, and had a one year old daughter together. He was in an affair with another woman.

He was in a fantasy with her. He thought she was perfect. The sun rose and set with her.

But what happened to that relationship?

Well, without knowing it, I used the basic principles here. When I had contact with him, I was my best self. I made changes in myself that made me a better person. I addressed the issues I thought made him find me less than attractive, and improved my self-esteem. I went to work on the things that I thought made me less of a woman than he wanted me to be. But I did it for the wrong reasons - I did it because in my mind, my husband was gone. He had left me for the OW, and he wasn't coming back. I did it because I thought I had to figure out what I was going to do for myself and my daughter for the rest of my life on my own.

What happened was my husband began looking over his shoulder at what he was leaving behind. And he saw the changes I made. He saw what he was leaving. The memories, the love, the family. The REAL deal, not the fantasy.

One day, two months later, he called me and asked me to meet him. I thought it was for divorce papers to be signed. I steeled myself against that eventuality, knowing it was coming, and although I didn't want to meet him and do this, I agreed cheerfully to meet him. I went to the meeting, and he began talking about many other things. Not what I wanted to know, because my pounding heart was already about to blow up - I had my nerves in place, and ready to handle what he was going to give me.

What he gave me was another chance. Rather, he ASKED ME TO GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE. He told me he had been stupid, and that he had fantasized about things and hadn't seen what he already had.

I told him to come home, that very day, and to hurry up.

That was when my now 32 year old daughter was just around a year old.

Two years ago, he screwed up again (this time, sex-for-the-sake-of-sex, he says no emotional ties). He forgot the lessons of that time so long ago. But this time, it was because over the years, we had allowed ourselves to drift apart, take things for granted, and failed to put in the time with each other that it takes to "stay in love". You see, it does take time to do that.

And in the everyday world, we get caught up in jobs, running kids to and from events, cleaning house, taking care of the bills, cooking, and all the other things that life brings us, that we forget the important things

like how to love each other.

And that it takes time to do that. So I asked the question about how much time you two spent working at seducing each other in the marriage. How hard you spent trying to keep your husband in love with you, and you in love with him. Because that time and focus has to be there.

The ideas and concepts here at MB helps with regaining the love you have. Because whether you believe it is there or not, it is there. Your focus needs to change, and your energy needs to be there, in your marriage. MEDC is right
when he says that the contact with your affair partner needs to completely end.

Because it is that interference that is causing your love for your husband to be dimmed - and not the other way around.

You will be shocked when, one year from now, you look back at this post of yours and realize how much love has grown between you and your husband

if you spend the time
and do the work

and put the energy and focus back into the marriage.


Our marriage is two years out from d-day. My husband does love me, and the changes in our relationship are visible to others outside our marriage - even those who know nothing of the affair.

And although it has been very difficult for me to recover from the pain, I have for the most part. I have my moments. I used to have my "months", but those are now my moments - so I can tell you that your BH will get through it, if you pitch in and do your part of the work.

And you do have work to do. This affair was your choice.

It was not a solution to the problems in the marriage.

There were problems that needed addressed - so instead of a divorce, why not try addressing the problems in a constructive manner, and addressing rebuilding the love as well?

Sounds a whole lot more productive to me, and for your kids.


And for the record, if you are fantasizing about a marriage with the affair partner, only about three percent of those relationships ever work out. Because you both will be marrying someone willing to cheat,

and because you will carry into that relationship the EXACT SAME problems you contributed to THIS marriage - and refused to work on and ran from if you leave it now and divorce.

SB

Dear ImSoDone:

I could have written your letter at one point, except that my affair was months and not years long, and I ended it and then notified my husband of what had happened.

But I certainly was exhausted by my unsatisfying and perhaps even miserable marriage. I do sincerely empathize with the feeling that I had bitterly "done without" emotionally and physically in my marriage for a very long time, and the affair truly felt like water poured out on parched land, at the time.

There seemed little point in my putting any effort into such an unpromising marriage; and even when my husband made earnest efforts to do things better, the slightest backsliding on his part would make me lose heart.

However, even though I did not love my husband for the longest time, I did spend a great deal of time thinking about the impact of divorce on other people besides me and my husband. Believe it or not, your two teenagers are quite needy right now, they are keen observers of your behavior, and everything you do is already having an enormous impact on how they will live their lives in the future, and the kinds of relationships they will also have.

The thing is, if your children are yet teenagers, you have but a few years until they have matured and become adults, at which time divorce (if you still want it) would make much more sense.

ImSoDone, if you screw up your childrearing, then there is little else in life that you could really foul up worse that would matter.

At least think of POSTPONING divorce and working on the marriage in the interim. In the meanwhile, you might engage in individual counseling and marriage counseling to work out the kinks. This would certainly help with your personal satisfaction in life, and also in your relationship with your husband. Since you will be parents of your children together for the rest of your lives, it is hard to see how you could lose out.

The truth is that most affairs last no longer than two years, and the probability is high that they will die off soon after that, if they haven't already. If you still think that indeed this affair/romance is meant to withstand the test of time, then this fellow will not mind standing back for a few additional years while you complete your childrearing; and he will still be there waiting for you with chocolates and champagne glasses.

Let him consider what is really and truly most important to you (your children and their future).

If he was merely an opportunist, then that is how you will find out. But if, as they say, "love is patient," then after 3-7 years of waiting -- perhaps he'll be all yours.

In the meantime, you can give your husband every opportunity to do his best and see what happens. It really is the decent thing to do.

(I can tell you that after many, many years of giving up hope on my husband making lasting changes, he actually did, and I now have a true loving companion and lover where none had existed in my life before. I can offer you genuine hope. Trading in a husband for an affair is truly just trading in one set of troubles for another ...)

MrsGGW

Bumped!

Looking for ISD.

Hello IDS's Husband.

I'm sorry you're here and going thru this.

If ISD is so convinced of her stance, what does it hurt for her to talk about it with us here. Ask her that, okay?

Jo

I think she does not want to hear the truth.

Because she knows what we speak is the truth and it interferes with her fantasy.

And her affair is just that - her fantasy - a fantasy - and she will unfortunately take all the problems she has right into that fantasy relationship with her.

Because she simply refuses to face them.

That's too bad.

ISD's Husband, you cannot control her.

You can, however, face the future by letting her go, and going to the other options available to you here. When plan A doesn't work, you always have plan B.


SB

Don't know what she took exception to...I asked her a question and stated a fact. She is the one breaking the marriage contract. She should NOT get to take your children or your assets. She should walk away with nothing but her integrity (wait, that's gone) and her personal belongings. But of course she won't see things that way...she is a fogged out WS.

Well, LOL...I didn't want to be married when I was in my affair either...That's almost a given in the World O' WS...

ISD's Hubby, please tell her that I'd be glad to talk with her, either here or by email...my address is in my signature...I've been there, I get it and I will listen and perhaps be able to offer her some insight...dunno, but I'd be willing to try...

Best,

Mrs. W

You might mention to her that if I wasn't SURE that she is making a mistake I wouldn't take the time to post...None of these other folks would either...None of us have anything vested in your marriage...We do know about adultery though...it's predictable...it's tragic...This situation will NOT end up like she believes now...I hope she will reconsider and at least come talk to us...

Mrs. W

I won't try to convince your wife otherwise about her decision, but I will address her naive ideas about children and divorce. I believe that most divorces affect the children in a very profound way, that many times cannot be measured until years later. Right now I am going through the divorce process, and I think my children are doing remarkably well given the circumstances...but I also believe that years down the road, they will say that the divorce severely affected their lives and an adverse way.

But here is a post that I had made months ago from a nationally recognized institution that studies marriage, divorce and children:


Thanks,

LoBoy

LB, you have email.