Basically I'm having a WH that is a cake eater.

It has been 6 months since he admitted the A. The OW is unmarried with a son but she is not happy in her marriage. They met and started the A for 3 years and still on going. She is not aware that I know. My WH self declared that he is sexually hungry. He find the OW very seductive and admitted that there is affection since she has been very understanding towards him. He started the A after watching the movie "Shall we dance?" by Richard Gere. He just did it because he find that he has been very compiliant in his life so far i.e. a filial son, attentive husband and compilying father etc. He needed to "balance" his life, he started the A.

I was devastated but I managed to pull myself together. On top of it, WH did helped me by talking to me & showing lots of love both emotionally and physically. He know that I'm hurt and he is wrong. However, he BEGGED my acceptance of the A. He begged me not to feel sad and let him continue the A. He told me that he does not love OW. He needed her just to balance the other side of him. Even if it is not her, it will be another woman. He begged me not to leave him. He needed me. However, he can't drop the A. He said it will break him up and he may not be able to recover. I've also requested him not to hurt me but he will get into a very depressed mood. I can't bear to see him and hence I give in. Since the D-Day, he has been reducing the number of times he seeing OW. Sometimes it makes her angry. We made a deal that if OW initiates the break-up, he will let her go.

He is now seeing her once a week or two weeks for a few hours. He will "asked" for my permission. My heart will break and tighten during their meeting. Aterwhich, he will come home to "heal" me.

I've been losing weight (approx 10 kg) and dressing up very much. He noticed and appreciated my effort. I've been very understanding except breaking down sometimes when he is seeing her. I have been trying not to break down in front of him.

I guess I'm practising plan A. However, this is the result I'm getting. Not sure if WH is telling the truth, he really convinced me that he is needing the A. I can't bear to execute plan B. I still love him and I believed that he love me too. I just need more advice on how to let WH change his mind about the A.

Thanks for reading my messy story and I welcome any comment.

LaVenDar,

Part of Plan A is letting your husband know how much this hurts you, and trying to negotiate him out of the affair. Call the Harley's for some professional counseling 888-639-1639. You have done some negotiating already (reducing frequency of visits), as well as your husband is being 'honest' (FWIW)---so it's not a lost cause. You can see his depression cycle is one of an addicts, so he's not going to get better until he quits for good, and suffers through withdrawal.

I'd also suggest that you're probably ready to execute Plan B (ready or not...). Have you discussed exposure with your husband? It's time to tell the OW. It may be time to tell families---depending on how close they are. I would certainly expose to the OW---that will inject some much needed reality into the affair if she truly doesn't know.

If you can do it---call the Harley's. They're terrific, and will help you through this.

Lavendar, it is time to expose this affair. You would not forewarn your spouse, that defeats the purpose, but make up a list of carefully selected exposure targets and expose to them on the same day. Good exposure targets would be spouses, parents [yours and the affairees], close friends and close siblings. Expose the affair WIDE AND FAR. Exposure is the most potent weapon in your arsenal.


I am unclear about the OW's marital status? Is she married or unmarried? If she is married, her H would be at the top of your exposure list.

Secondly, I would read everything you can on this link and get your hands on Surviving an Affair by Dr. Willard Harley. They sell it fairly cheap on this website.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

Sorry you hare, Lavendar, but you are in the right place.

Exposure can have this effect. It might not be immediate, but once the light is shown on the affair, it begins to crumble. It is like turning on the lights in a crack house and bringing in a crowd of watchers. No one wants to get high when everyone is looking on. Affairs thrive on SECRECY, so exposure is ruinous to them.

It takes all the fun out of an affair when one is forced to see how sleazy he looks through the eyes of others. His affair won't look so wonderful in the face of disgusted onlookers.

Turn on the lights in the crack house, Lavendar. It is your best weapon.

I agree with the advice given so far:

You need to expose the adultery. The cake-eating will continue otherwise AND your WH could get so used to cake-eating that it will become more difficult to get him to accept monogamy ever again.

You are not in Plan A. Plan A includes exposing the adultery and objecting to it. Plan A does not include giving your WS permission to be with the OP! You need to inform your WH, AND the OW, that you do not approve of the adultery and that it does hurt you.

All the efforts you have put in so far have NOT been working in your favor as a Plan A. Your efforts to try to compete with the OW have been working in favor of continued cake-eating. Your WH is enjoying having two women doing their best to make cake-eating as pleasant as possible for him. The more you work at making the cake-eating phase a positive experience for your WH, the more time and work you will have to do in Plans A and B. It is hard enough to get the WS to give up the fantasy that they can cake-eat forever without the BS feeding that fantasy for any length of time.

The cake-eating phase needs to stop ASAP and be replaced with a real Plan A. The adultery needs to be exposed and objected to! Tell your WH you will no longer give him permission to betray you, even if that makes him act depressed. Tell family and friends that he is committing adultery and that you do not approve. (BTW, it's likely that he has already told the OW and others that the adultery is OK with you, that what he's doing is with your knowledge and permission, that you have an 'open' marriage...)

Again, Plan A includes exposing the adultery and objecting to it. You need to make sure your WH understands that the adultery is hurtful to you and that you do not approve/accept. THEN you can continue with the self-improvements which will then be working for you as a Plan A. Trying to compete with the OW minus exposure and objection to the adultery is just enabling and building an even bigger problem. It gets to the point that in the WS's mind it's not even the OW vs the BS anymore, but cake-eating - the OW AND the BS, vs the BS alone. There is the danger that by delaying the exposure, putting off the start of the real Plan A, you will have already given your best efforts to the cake-eating and will not have enough energy, desire, hope, time... left to put into an adequate Plan A before you go to Plan B.

IMHO you should schedule a counseling session with the Harley's ASAP: 888-639-1639

LaVen...

I am sorry for you to be here...but since you are here...
lets get you outta here...

You have fallen in to a very very slippery slope....one in which YOU are an active participant in destroying your marriage....

Your husband is engaging in a very common tatic of changing the definition of words to suit his horrific painful choices....and most alarming is out of fear you are agreeing with him....

you need a strong strong plan...

first you must find some one who is very strong and supportive of you...and you must confide in them and use them are your sounding board...

when you isolate yourself with your husband he is using all kinds of tatics...emotionally to play on your fears to get what he wants....

and what he wants is the destruction of marriage...for that is exactly what his actions are....

so find your friend and tell them everything...so that they can tell you that having a husband and giving him permission to have another woman...several to once a week is NOT now and nor shall ever be NORMAL nor the definition of marriage....

KNOW the more he isolates you and the more you get sucked in to this line of thought...you will find yourself so deep in to that he will use your own love and condoning as the weapon of choice to do anything and everything he wants....

imagine the blackmail down the line when he convinces you that she should come stay at the home sometimes....(just sooo much easier)...and you should cook for her....(surely you two should be friends and then you will see how nice she is....and then it will be...
you can watch her son...while they go off
and
and lets just have your children meet her as well...

slowly and insidiously as it is happening the now abnormal unacceptable will become normal and acceptable...
and it will destroy you inside....

and it is never ever ever too late to stop your own participation in the madness...

no matter his response
no matter his reaction
you take the stand for the true definition of marriage which is a sacred covenant between you and him...
those were your vows...
straight
simple
too the point...

and now you act so....

find your friend to confide in ...
and when he starts his changing of definitions and you find he sounds reasonable...and you start to agree...
you call your friend and you run it by them....
and you listen to their rationalness...and know they speak the truth....

what your husband is doing is NOT normal...

the next thing you do is you tell your husband clearly the following things...

1. That you apologize for going back on your word ...but that you have thought and even tried to do things his way and that you are sorry to inform him that him having a girl-friend while married is NOT now and never shall be acceptable to you...

and yes you were confused and for a while believed that it could work...but from this MOMENT on it is clear to you that the only marriage worthy of you and him is one on one...
with NO OTHER people...

and do not argue it
do not powerstruggle...

he will lob missiles at you that you said it was OK
that you are a liar
that you can't be trusted...
and you stand there and you take them and let him rant and rave...and then you tell him you love him more than he is capable of loving himself and that you would never ever go back to tolerating actions that put his very soul in danger....

and you were wrong to do so..
BUT
you aren't and won't making that mistake again...

and you move on from that moment forward with clear communication that the OW is NOT OK

thirdly you expose to her husband..
you make him your ally
you spill your guts
and you apologize to him...for your participation...
and it will also set you free...

you tell him all the info

and when your husband rants and raves about how could you and you are a liar and you can't be trusted...

you smile sweetly at him and tell him that you have come to the decision that it was wrong for you to condone this and that you can not and will not participate in the destruction of other innocent people as her husband and son...
and that her husband has the right to know and make choices

fourth...
you go get tested for STDS and you tell your husband you expect the same....
period

fifth
you read read read here and seek counsel from the harley's and you ask questions here of people to help you...because right now your decision maker is a little off kilter...based on your fears....and conquering our fears is a very very powerful tool...

you want to be sexy and attractive to your husband...
once you get strong and woman up to your rightful place as wife in a strong marriage....he better watch out...cause there will be NO stopping you...


it is never eve to lat to do the right thing....
that's the beauty of life...

ARK

Perfect Ark. LVD, you would do well to heed that advice.

Thanks for all the great advices!

Is exposing A a MUST-DO step in plan A? It is a BIG step. We have 3 children and they are still young. We are staying with WH's mom and she is old. If I have a choice, I don't want them to know and I definitely don't want them to be my weapon. This step is a permanent damage for everyone. WH has a huge ego and I think this will make him hate me forever.

To me, he is at 50-50% point and my position is more favorable. He felt gulty towards me and he has never been so good as a husband before. If I do anything drastic, my position may be overturned. Even if WH leaves me, he will not go to her. They had admitted that they will kill each other if they live together as both of them have quick & hot temper.

WH told me that he is a man with soft heart. If you use force on him, he will rebounced back. The OW is not a threat to me. According to WH, OW's H is a bankrupt and had an A before and she threw him out of the house. That's when WH and OW started the A. Afterwhich, OW accepted H back for the sake of her son. So she is still married.

My next step is to tell my WH that I cannot accept his request for having a GF while married. I should not hide my true feeling from him.

Lavendar,

Do not be afraid to expose. Be afraid of NOT exposing.

RE: Not exposing gives the impression there isn't an A and if there was, you approve. That is more toxic to the survival of the M than exposing.

Exposing is a risk. So let's help you get your stuff in order.

1. Please read SAA (Surviving an Affair), HNHN (His Needs/Her Needs) - both are by Dr. Harley...... if you need help with plan B a good books is Love must be tough by Dobson.

2. Find out your rights.

3. Reclaim your home.

4. Secure counseling for you and your children. Recommend you call Steve H @ MB for some phone counseling or find an MC in your area familiar with MB concepts.

5. Secure your family's finances.

6. If this is work related expose to work. WS' always threaten their job loss.... he should have thought about it B4 he had the A (dumb Ws <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> )

7. Check out your separation vs divorce options.

8. Go see your doctor for STD check up (as needed) and anti-depressants as needed.

9. Create your personal support group. You don't have to tell all to all, just enough so they respect you and you trust them. Let them know you will hear what they have to say and suggest but since you are not able to share all with all, they also need to respect your decisions and that you are making your decisions carefully. Make sure you mean that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

10. Learn MB tools (plans A & B) and other tools (i.e. reverse babble).

11. Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience.

That's the starter's list. Let us know how you are doing. If you need help with reverse babble, check out the link in my signature line. Then if you want to post what you have been hearing from your WS, we may be able to help with some comeback lines. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

"According to WH"

A WS will not be truthful about anything that it would be to their advantage to lie about.

Of course your WH is telling you things to reassure you that it's OK to allow his adultery with the OW to continue!
The adulterers want to make sure you do NOT say or do anything that would interfere with their adultery - so you will be told whatever it takes to keep you quiet.

For all you know your WH and the OW could be planning how to run off together... while you are being assured the adultery will never break up your marriage.

Your WH seems pretty skilled at knowing just what to say, just how to act depressed, etc. in order to get you to shut up and put up. He's MANAGING you so you won't interfere with his agenda. And you can bet that continued involvement with the OW is a major part of his agenda.

And even if it were true that your WH doesn't plan to get more involved with the OW, or to leave you for her, that could change as they spend more time together and 'bond' even more.

Him telling you unfavorable stuff about her is really no different than him telling the OW negative things about you, his wife. He does that to assure each woman that she doesn't have to worry about the other woman... while he continues to string both women along! Employ some monitoring measures (keylogger on his computer, check his e-mails & phone messages) and I'm willing to bet you will discover he's also telling her not to worry about you; he could be telling her that he plans to leave you soon... or that he is only staying with you because you refuse to give him a divorce.

The goal of the cake-eater is to keep both the OP and the BS in their lives. The cake-eater achieves this by telling whatever lies it takes to assure both the OP and the BS to not worry about the competition. Your WH also employs depression, getting you to worry about him, as a tactic to get you to comply.

IMHO you need to expose what is going on to some close friends and relatives soon. Your WH is gaslighting you into accepting his adultery as somehow acceptable! You need to be talking to some trusted folks who will hel you see the truth and take the steps needed to protect yourself, your marriage, and your children.

Lav, you cannot live with the hope that he will continue to honor even this level of husbandry. It leaves you on tenterhooks trying to tiptoe and not "set him off."

And he has already proven that he will not honor any commitment that gets in the way of his own selfish pursuits.

As he continues in his adultery, his conscience will continue to be seared to the point that guilt is no longer a driving force.

One of great things about MB is that it helps you devise a plan - providing you with some small measure of stability so that you aren't so easily blown about by his ever-changing attitudes.

Have you had the opportunity to read the articles and other materials written by Dr. Harley on the site?

LaVenDar,


Must do? No. But it is a powerful weapon in the fight for your marriage, especially the way your husband is currently acting.

My advice to you would be to call the Harley's and set up an appointment for counseling (888-639-1639). Outline your story and timeline to them. They will help you in the next steps (including talking with your husband). They can act as a mediator and educator for your husband, saving you from that job (and it's a lovebuster for a BS to educate their WS).


That's good. Honesty is appropriate, and you can deliver this message without lovebusting. Where does that leave your husband? How will he respond? If he's not willing to give up the affair, you can let him know that you're willing to fight for the marriage. That you want him to go to counseling together. How does he respond to this request? If it's negative, then I would suggest that exposure is probably the appropriate choice. And you'll need to be prepared---becuase your husband will not like it.

I'd really prefer to see you do this with professional guidance and help in your corner. So make that call...

LaVen...

What you are missing..is that you don't have a cake-eater...

cake eaters are well aware of the WRONGNESS of their actions....

you have my dear friend...

A bully...

who is using your love and you commitment as the very weapon to continue in your face affair behavior...

he seeks your permission...

via threats
via lies
via insanely idiotic means....

he speaks vile words and drips them in honey....

WH told me that he is a man with soft heart

his heart is not soft...it is right now cold and calculating...
scheming the words to keep you in fear....

this plan of his has no good end....

where is the end???..

he drops this OW...you have already given permission to one...he will seek and find another....
for he already has thrown the word around of his humongous NEEDS>.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
and he comes to you for permission to fill those needs by allowing him to have a girlfriend

he drops this OW...there will be no healing
there will be no marriage counseling...

there will be shut up and get over it woman...for you allowed and gave permission....so lay in the bed you made..

this is not cake-eating...

this is abuse...
and you are not victimized as much as you are allowing...and participating...

you are emeshed with insane rationalization....and the words he whispers are foul.....and you have cut yourself off from reasonable logical marriage and its definition...

the children are not a weapon..
you do not expose to them or them...

it is to her husband you go
to his mother you go
to your friends for support
to your church....

my heart goes out to you...

you need to find
a counselor who is pro-marriage
you need to find a lawyer...
to establish your rights and line up your ducks in your head so you know what you can do when responds...

and most importantly you need to spill the whole truth to a good friend who knows the value of a real marriage and will steer you in the correct direction...

he has a soft heart my a##

he's using you
he's using the OW...

contact her and spill your guts how much he says he loves you
how he cherishes you
how he puts her down...

tell her....
tell her everything he tells you...

tell her husband he has the RIGHT to know...

what he is doing will destroy your value system
you compass of what is right and wrong..

what he is doing ...the affair is wrong....
and he is slowly convincing you otherwise....

I am not trying to scare ..but I am trying to shake...

imagine your daughter as young bride telling you a story about her husband stating he loves her sooo much...that all he needs is a girlfriend on the side to be happy....

and speak to and feel the emotions you would to her...to yourself....

I would engage in no sexual intercourse until tested..
tell him no more till you and he are tested...
he should be willing...to do this...the man with a big soft heart...to prove he and she are clean...

he sleeps with a woman whose husband cheats as well....
you need to protect your health when you are dealing with people engaging in dangerous behavior.....



ARK

Again..agree completely with ark here. Yu would do very well to read and re-read his words.

MEDC, arkie is a GIRL!! A GIRL!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

melody...

you're just making your numbers go up
ensuring you to be accused of being a vet...there for ensuring them of thinking you are very very smart.....

it's a trap and a vicious cycle...

ARK

"The OW is not a threat to me."

Like H3LL she isn't. She is a threat to your marriage, as is any woman willing to sleep with a married man.

Your WH does not have a soft heart, his actions show that he clearly does not take your feelings into consideration. It is all about HIM and what makes HIM feel good.

Tell him how much this is hurting you and expose this affair as others have already advised.

Who

I know. It just gets me mentioned more by "him"...adding to those 5 posts...so I figure I will keep it up. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

LaVenDer,
I just read your story and was wondering how you were...Do you still check in with this site? Have you positioned yourself for Plan B or gotten any counseling?

Best to you,
Free