Let me start with saying that our relationship is remarkably fabulous...we are truly blessed and I am grateful for the love of my life. There is one trend, however, that I am helpless to figure out a response for. My hubby is HUGE on tradition and romance (aren't I lucky?) This would not seem to most of you like it could EVER cause a problem, but here is how it happens...
example: beautiful New Years' dinner of lobster, champagne, steak, oysters, words of love and reflection,etc...fabulous beyond my dreams... When the "ball" dropped at midnight, like most women (I imagine) I was anticipating a romantic and heartfelt kiss, but instead I got a long pause, followed by "come here (dog's name), give me a smooch, oh, and you, too (to me). Ha Ha. Shocked and hurt, I kept up a good front the rest of the night, but couldn't put it out of my mind. This was SO out of character for him. Because he is a highly sensitive soul, rather than confronting him openly, later as we talked of how wonderful the night had been, I commented that it was fabulous, but that we should rent a Meg Ryan movie before next year to review that "New Years' Kiss" thing ahead of time. I thought this would be a lighthearted approach to revealing my hurt. To my dismay, he took monumental offense, summed up that I was in fact disappointed and unappreciative of ALL his efforts TO DATE, not just tonight, and that he obviously was a big disappointment to me in general! I tried repeatedly to reassure him, to no avail. He has instituted the Silent treatment, or "The Cave", whatever you want to call it, and I can't get through.
What I can't reconcile in my mind is how a love so strong and so committed, based on Dr Harley's principles from the very outset, could hinge so perilously on such a benign comment. Am I never to be free to express a disappointment? Surely this could not be healthy either. Wouldn't our relationship be based on false pretenses if I never voiced a concern? How can I make my own need known without decimating his self esteem? Could it be that he is in love with a storybook existence, not with ME as a person, and when I shattered that with my disappointment, however minor, I shattered his devotion to me as well? I just can't accept that it could all be that tentative!
Help! I love this man with all my heart! What can I do to reassure him?

Reassure him of what?

You kept up a good front? That was your first mistake. It was disingenuous...dishonest. If you were shocked and hurt, you should have let him know immediately. He would have likely apologized and said he was only joking. A good part of your husband's reaction has to do with him feeling you were not up front with him.

You are not only entitled to your feelings, but you have a moral obligation and responsibility to your partner to let him know when you believe he has said or done something to upset you. The trick is to own your feelings and not place blame on him.

Right now he is giving you the silent treatment? If my husband did this to me, I would feel punished and abused. I would go to him and say, "It feels to me like you are giving me the silent treatment and I want you to know that I feel hurt by it." I would leave it at that.

If he continued the silent treatment or did it again on another occasion I would restate my case. The silent treatment hurts me. Some people may not feel hurt, but I do. I want you to have this information about me. The silent treatment hurts and upsets me. I cannot respect someone who hurts me intentionally.

Thank you so much for your response, Pieta.
I agree with you wholeheartedly about open & honest communication. That is why I even brought up the issue with him at all. The only way we can improve our relationships is with feedback from eachother, and a constant awareness of our needs and the needs of our partner.
In this instance, we were in our home with his visiting adult children present in the room, and I never believe that is an appropriate time for personal "laundry", so I waited until we were alone later.

I have definitely conveyed my hurt to him over both the silent treatment and the fact that I have apologized for the hurting of HIS feelings numerous times and he still distances me...I do feel punished. Somehow I am being punished for HIM hurting Me, and it has been turned around to ME hurting HIM?

In my heart of hearts, my deepest concern is that he is so emotionally fragile that this has even become an issue at all; many men WOULD simply have replied "oh, Honey, that's not what I meant at all...here, let me lay a big smooch on you right now and I'll remember for next year that YOU come first!" That's what I really wanted to hear. Instead I was seen as his detractor...something I could NEVER be...

It is frightening to know that on some level I am being made solely responsible for his self esteem, because surely that is setting me up for failure. Certainly, as his life partner a great deal of my efforts go toward genuinely edifying him as my lover, provider, soulmate: he is a phenomenal man and I tell him so in every way I can think of. But doesn't every person as an individual have to also find self esteem from within?

I can find nothing in Dr Harley's written works on building the self esteem of your spouse, yet this seems critical in my situation. If only he could see himself as I see him...

I tend to think of silent treatments as more of a coping mechanism than a manifestation of self esteem or anger at another person. My parents were withdrawers - any sign of problem, they'd retreat to separate rooms and ignore each other for days. Had nothing to do with what they thought of each other or themselves, but rather their inability to show vulnerability, express themselves, and see any other way to work it out.

I think you're placing too much on his shoulders. IMO, it's simply easier and safer for him to do silent treatment than to learn new tricks. You can learn here, or elsewhere, how to react better, so that he in time feels safer to expose himself in tough situations. But it's got to be about you, not him; work on being the safe, calm, logical voice of reason during conflicts and speak from a position of strength. You'll both benefit in the end.

Catperson:

I can't see how this can be a simple coping mechanism. He was hurt and he lashed back with words aimed at hurting back in retaliation mode. This is not something to sweep under the rug IMO.

If my H spoke to me with these words I would not have tried repeatedly to reassure him. Why would I waste my breath defending myself from false accusations? First of all, if he truly felt this way, I would only be invalidating his feelings. That would make things worse, right? Instead I would repeat his words back to him, giving him a chance to vent further and give me more information about exactly what he was feeling and maybe even hope that he would really hear the absurdity of what he was saying and reframe the context of the message.

pieta, I was just talking about the silent treatment part. How it's a dysfunctional way of dealing with something; I didn't even address what he did before that. I must be having trouble relaying thought to keyboard today; everything's getting misunderstood.

2gethr4evr,
I think I know how it went for you that night. I do not have any advice just yet, as I am myself struggling with what seems the same kind of situation with my partner. He is very romantic and would bend backwards to satisfy me.
BUT, I feel like I am walking on egg shell all the time, no matter how I express hurt, disappointments, "negative" feelings, he may get offended. He even tells me if I approach him this way or that way, he would have not been offended. But it does not matter how I approch him, even when I approach him the way he has told me, he will still take monumental offense and exagerate everything. The issues I bring up turns into how awful I am towards him, and all turns into him being hurt from me. It is absolutely exhausting.
How long have you been with him? I asked because I have been with my partner for 3 years, and it has barely changed, no matter what I tried, and now I am looking for the love I once felt for him. It has almost destroyed my love for him to nil.
I will try to keep following your thread, as I think I may learn a lot from it.

Now that you put it that way, I'm suddenly recognizing my H, too! He's very romantic, all the stuff he wishes I'd do. But if I dare question anything he decides or does, I'm suddenly an awful person, and I get treated to 'I should have just stayed at work if I'm going to be treated like this' or he launches into a tirade about how he's sick and tired of being mistreated. I think that's why - the eggshells you mentioned - I've learned over the last 30 years to never mention anything that I'm unhappy about - it becomes belittlement of him, not about me.

Believe me, you do NOT want to just keep it inside like I have. I'm reading Dance of Anger right now, and it's one of the first things mentioned, that you can just swallow your feelings to keep the peace, but the resentment and anger is building, that you're 'having' to do that. Of course, the truth is that you're 'choosing' to do that, instead of dealing with each issue as it comes. I think 30 years ago, I simply wasn't old enough or psychologically sophisticated enough to know better, and it just became encased in concrete, and I'm now terrified to state my case. But you guys haven't been doing it that long, and making simple, calm "I" statements should be a great way out of it for you. At least that's what I think they're saying here to do, right?

CatPerson,
I appreciate your input. I think the I statement should be the answer too. But...
I had read your story and thought how "dead" I would feel inside if I was in your position for soooo long. You must be in pain, emotionally. I don't know how you have been strong enough to stay with this man for so long, and not say much to disturb him. I have never been the type of person to keep quiet, I had either left my past partners or been left by them when in conflicts, and had never really been able to deal with any conflicts with confidence, and that is true with anyone in my life, friends, child, parents, etc. With my present partner, I have tried the I statement, been in IC and MC, have separated for a little while when I thought I couldn't deal with this anymore. I have felt guilt, hatred, resentment, despare, to only name a few. I searched for answers, looked at my own half of this situation, and I am still struggling. We seem, both my partner and I, to focus on what is bothering us, we talk feelings, but we have gone back to the old pattern of walking on egg shell. I don't seem to ever talk the way he "feels" would avoid conflicts. Whenever he starts to talk about some issue, I listen, I try to understand, I validate him, try really hard not to turn it to me. I do not get that when I bring up an issue with him. I get the guilt of how I make him feel, and a fight starts. I know I am responsible for what I feel, he can't make me feel anything, but he certainly can help a lot. I am thinking presently that the only way for me to feel good again is to leave him. But I promessed myself to try some more, even if I don't feel love for him, to do my part, my half, and try to apply everything I have learn.

2gethr4ever,
You have something that triggers some thoughts in me, and yes, it is pointing at my partner, I know, I should look at myself and focus on me and my part, but I can't resist to mention it. I think both our partners are emotionally fragile. Sometimes, I think nothing works.

2gethr4ever
- What else, how else, have you tried with your husband to bring up issues?
- What has worked for you in the past?
- Do you feel that sometimes, what works very well for him at times, doesn't work at all at other times, without you knowing when it will work and when it won't?
- Have you felt very confused on how to approach him?
- Have you felt that you do not know what will trigger anger on your husband?

LOL, minou, I am NOT strong - just the opposite, I've always been scared stiff to stand up for myself. I actually envy people who leave bad relationships.

That said, you say yourself that you have a habit of walking away, engaging in bad habits, etc. IMO, it sounds like you're looking for a sense of peace. That may be off, but it's what it looks like from here. If so, finding that peace for yourself could go a long way toward making your M more acceptable, I think. Kind of like the accept and forgive ideas. Accept what the partner is, forgive what he isn't, and come to grips with what he brings to the table. Once you can do that, you are closer to letting go of resentment. I think that letting go of resentment, from what I've read here, is the best step toward a good marriage.

Don't know if that helps you guys, but it might give you something to ponder.

I'm back...

to Catperson: Wow! Right on the money with the coping mechanism theory! You really hit on it there, IMO. He is far less verbal than I, and I have been told in the past by my family that it can be intimidating to converse with me with any clarity, while under pressure in a heated conversation, because words come so easily for me & not for them.

To Pieta:
The goal here is not to have him see things my way, the goal is enthusiastic joint agreement, right? To do this, it is imperative that I define his communication style accurately, and I think Catperson is well along that path. To force my methods on him, would be asking him to communicate in a way he is currently incapable of...so unfair.It would be like asking me to remain silent! Ha! Rather, I left him to his own silence, with gentle reminders that I missed him, and that I would be there when he was ready...(not because I am weak, or because I am willing to lose, but because I love him.) In this particular instance, I happened to be the one with more clarity, but in another, I may be the confused partner. I would certainly hope for the same latitude from him.

I COULD havepush the issues...forced a confrontation...forced mega-withdrawals from my love bank through my pushiness...what purpose would that have served? This way, he knows how I felt; he has the tools now to avoid such a romantic disappointment in the future; but most importantly, he knows that my love for him is absolutely unconditional and that I will speak my hurts and allow him the space to process that in whatever time frame he needs. Remember, we cannot control the actions of others...only our REactions... Through the clarification I have gained on this site, I will be better equipped to deal with the silence as a coping mechanism rather than seeing it as a rejection of ME personally. That is hugely significant, IMO.

Incidentally, he made a full reversal by last night, making sure to show me in many ways that he was "himself" again, loving & romantic as ever. When I told him that he had scared me, and that I felt he may have lost his love for me, he told me that was the most ridiculous thing he had ever heard, that this could NEVER happen. I believe now that if I can learn to recognize the cave as his way of working things through, just as I use words to work things through, we can get through anything with less hurt. It is a matter of mutual respect and keeping our eyes on the goal...resolution.

I heard an interesting discussion on the word "Love" last year, and it has stayed with me ever since. The speaker claimed that we have mistaken the word love as an emotional state, to be "in love", when Biblically the word is a VERB, as in "love thy neighbor"... If we keep this in mind, and apply this to our marriage, we will remember to show love even when we don't necessarily feel the emotion at the moment. Remember, it's all about meeting each other's needs, and I don't remember seeing "animosity" on any of the needs lists!

Finally, I want to go on record as saying that I do not believe in sweeping things under the rug. I know of the "eggshells" you have spoken of...not healthy. Rather, in a calm and nonthreatening fashion (perhaps in a note), discuss what you feel would be a good future strategy for revealing your feelings of hurt, perhaps with key words like "I need you to know that my feelings were hurt when..." and then backing off and let him process things in his way. Listen to his input on this technique, and arrive at an enthusiastic joint agreement BEFORE you need it. Remember that "tirades" show disrespect and unfair judgements and cannot be a part of the agreement. Only through fair and safe negotiation will ANY of us end up happy!

Thanks to you both. I hope this helps all...

"Walking on Eggshells", the silent treatment, withdrawal. Sounds like the story of my marriage for the longest time. My FWH was a withdrawer and I felt like I was walking on eggshells all the time. Everytime I opened my mouth, he took it as a criticism or negative judgement. I couldn't say anything right, not even to ask him to take out the garbage or change a light bulb.

Therefore, I remained silent. And he ended up having an affair. A real love affair where his ENs were being met enthusiastically and wholeheartedly by the OW.

We have learned, or I have learned, through MC to voice my discontent with "I" statements - to let him know how his behaviour makes me feel and to ask for alternative behaviour in a non-critical way.

For example "Dear, that was a lovely New Year's eve we had, but when you kissed the dog before me, I felt unimportant and unloved after that amazingly romatic build-up. In the future, I would feel more loved and special, if you kissed me first." That lets him know how you felt about his behaviour and how you would feel differntly if his behaviour changed. It takes a little work to air your issues this way, but once you get the hang of it, it really works! It has for us.

good luck!