I've read much here and posted little, but I need some advice from some of you who have been in a similar situation.

WH is going through what I would call a major mid-life crisis/depression. I believe he has ended contact w/OP, although his pride and stubborness prevent him from proving it to me w/cell records or access to his work/personal email. His depression is multi-faceted: he is very unhappy in his job, but he's in a specialized field and hasn't been able to find anything of comparable pay; he is disappointed in himself for his actions of the past 2 years; he has obviously been unhappy in our marriage (leading to the A); he has been hurt by my actions; he gets frustrated w/our children (they're young and in the "let's test boundaries" ages).

I am a FWW - I couldn't believe my husband would have an A, so I didn't read and research all I should have at the time and eventually allowed myself to fall into the deep dark hole of my own A after several months (which I now know is more common than most people realize). WH was aware of my A and although he made a few snide comments here and there, I think he was relieved because it gave me a distraction while he continued his. How I wish I had known of MB then and read Surviving an Affair. Of course, even after I finally read it, WH said it was hogwash and all of those steps wouldn't be necessary in our situation (namely NC!).

So I've confessed my mistakes and asked for forgiveness. I've read so much about changing behavior and have begun to understand my YEARS of not meeting his ENs. I'm now taking an AD which has helped tremendously with disrespectful and terribly emotional outbursts. I've asked him to see a doc, but he looks down his nose at those who need 'drugs' and won't go. I've asked him to go to MC and he doesn't believe in that stuff. I've asked him to read different things and he sometimes does, but he doesn't believe things between us can change that dramatically because 'we're still who we've always been.'

The words separation and divorce have been used in our home more than I ever believed possible. I wrote WH a Plan B letter just before Halloween, and the next day he told me they agreed to stop contact because neither wanted us to divorce. Then on Tuesday, I asked him what he could see for himself or us in 2008 or what he hoped for. He couldn't answer except "I don't know", but eventually he told me he'd actually mentioned the possibility of separating to our pastor back around Thanksgiving, but didn't get much guidance from him.

As many of you know first-hand, separating (even if temporary) will have a tremendous effect on our lives. Our children are 8 and 4. We will have to sell our house because there's nothing extra in our budget for housing for WH and no close family or friends that we could turn to for temp housing. So not only will the children have to deal with the loss of their father in their daily lives, but they will lose their house and all that they love about it (we watched it being built), a neighborhood full of friends they adore, the loss of church friends (at least every other week), and the financial impact that I can't really define for them. So all along my gut feeling has been to fight for the marriage NO MATTER WHAT for the sake of the children, until I reach a point that I feel separation or divorce might actually be better for them.

I still want to fight for our marriage, but I'm beginning to wonder if a separation might be better for WH. Would it be good for him to realize what his family means to him, or would he just enjoy the freedom from responsibility and decide it's easier to get out and have the kids every other weekend? I already feel like a single mom much of the time and he's certainly not meeting my ENs, so I'm not sure how big the impact would be to me in the beginning although I know it will devastate me inside. So how do I decide whether or not to agree to a separation or whether to refuse? He could still reach the point where he just walks out I suppose, but it would be very challenging for him. I don't think he has that much anger or meanness in his heart since it would mean deserting his children and he is well aware I can't support the house on my own.

Sorry for rambling, but I really feel lost and don't know where else to turn. Am I giving up if I agree to a separation? Am I just delaying the inevitable? Any suggestions you can give would be greatly appreciated!

You shouldn't separate until you want to---and that would be Plan B, after a good Plan A. Separation does not make it easier to work on a marriage, so Harley would not recommend it as a first choice.

Have you done counseling with the Harley's? It isn't cheap, but it's worth every penny and is very effective. I would suggest that you start with this route first.
888-639-1639 for appointments.

are you saying that he is still in contact with the OW through work...and there are no plans for that to change

ARK

K - are you suggesting counseling with the Harleys on my own? WH will not agree to MC right now. Says it's a waste of money and a bunch of hogwash. "Those people don't know how I feel."

Ark - He's not having intentional contact that I know of. We do have one overlapping situation that I cannot change at this time related to our kids (long story), so he MAY see her once every week or two, but it would always be in front of other people and would not be a normal circumstance. We may be able to change that situation if he can find another job, but as I said, we're not getting very far there.

Like others have said, it's so exhausting to feel like I'm fighting for our marriage when he has no desire to meet my needs and he'd rather just find an excuse not to be around.

Thanks for your replies.