...H & I were married.

Today, I came home from work to find he'd been here & took many of the rest of his things. I'm glad I wasn't here & also glad he didn't contact me, as I had a good/focused day at work & didn't need the drama.

I'm not really all that upset, and haven't given much thought to the fact that today is our anniversary.

I'm not sure how I'll go about setting up a schedule for him the kids. Actually there's a lot I'm not sure about! But, one day at a time they say.

I guess there's really no point to this post, sorry. I don't have anyone to sit w/the kids tonight so I don't think I can go to an Al-Anon meeting. I brought some books home for us to read together anyway.

Thanks for reading. This is crap.

Julie,

Sorry you are in pain...anniversaries are hard. Are you in Plan A or Plan B? Why can he come into your house w/o your knowledge? Can you change the locks?

nab

My heart is there with you. It is a tough day and you are doing awesome. I'm glad you came here and vented. It helps you and helps us to get out of our blah spaces.

You are safe here and people care that you are in pain.

Yesterday was my 24th and I lit a candle in honor of the day.

There is always a point to the post when you need to vent.

{{{{{{{{{{Julie}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Neither, I just updated my sig to help explain. I guess I need to start Plan B in a week and a half, but there's no OW - just too much alcohol & weed & I finally realized it IS bad.

He can come in w/o my knowledge because, as he would tell it, we are done. I could change the locks, but once his stuff is ALL out my best guess is that he won't try to re-enter.

an active alcoholic is just like an active WW.

Take care of yourself and your children and ask for any help and questions you need answered.

Has there ever been a time when he stopped drinking?

Julie,

Sorry for your sitch. There are two Vets here that aren't posting at the moment that have experience with this, one is in recovery and the other's spouse is in recovery...I am sure there are more people than this that can advise you...hopefully they will see your post and comment.

Good luck and hugs!

nab

Thanks.

MelodyLane has been great to me so far, especially considering she told me a year ago that this is the direction I'm/we're headed.

I'm so angry with everybody right now.

H's mom "can't go to meetings right now, but I'm familiar with Al-Anon so maybe I'll pick up a book"

Kids just got dropped off from Grandma, and she talked to me for a bit...gave me $50 for groceries.

H told kids he's got an apartment.

DD tells me Grandma, who just gave me $50, is also giving H a couch.

I feel SO SCREWED. By everybody! Even the Grandma who was just here saying how I'm going to be OK.

This is crap. I've been dumped, he's got an apartment but I don't know how I'm going to pay ANY of the bills WE have, I'm guessing he's got some chick already, because YES, that's where I am right now.

And this is how it goes. I just yelled at my son for no reason. Or actually, because he asked me a question when I'm sitting here feeling like crap.

He's got an apartment. He's got an apartment!

I'm almost mad at DD - I told the kids the truth, that Dad is sock & needs to get help, but chose to leave instead. She talked to him on the phone several times today, checking to see if he wants this couch or this or that or the other thing that Grandma is getting rid of. She didn't bring up to him that his drinking has torn this family apart. I haven't told them he smokes weed daily too.

He wins. Super Dad, do-no-wrong son, new-apartment estranged husband. Give that man a pat on his back. I'll sit here & cry. AGAIN

Julie,

When my H cheated on me the second time.....my kids knew and didn't reject him....I guess that's what I thought I wanted. I wanted them to be as mad at him as I was...and they weren't. I felt incredibly betrayed....as though he had betrayed me....and then they did too. It was a terrible feeling. I'm sorry that's how you feel. Your children love their father....despite flaws....despite his desertion. As things change, and they begin to understand the full effect that his moving out will have on your family....their feelings may change...or not. It depends on the kids and the circumstances. It's hard not to encourage them to be as angry at him as you are, or to want them to pick sides....but don't do it. He will do enough damage with his abandonment, and he will make plenty of mistakes....so let him. Let them learn this on their own.

Now....do you have an appt with an attorney? Because you need one.

((((((((((((((((julie))))))))))))))))))

NO! I do not have an appt w/an attorney. Nor do I need one or want one. Why are we talking attorneys?

Julie:

Your Drunk H said this to kids:


And then your angry? What was he supposed to say?

HE lying to the kids as well.

He's an alchoholic and a druggie.

He's programmed to lie.

Do you notice how much clearer you are posting right NOW? Because you have taken a SMALL step out from under his lies.

The apartment may be him flopping at another drunks friends house.

And the bills? They will get sorted out. Time will tell.

They were getting paid before. But you were living in the crazy house. They will get paid in the future, but you WON'T be in the crazy house.

BIG DIFFERENCE

LG

LG, I thought it was a lie too, but even Grandma (DD/prev relationship's grandmother) said it, which is why she's giving him a couch. Thanks a lot, tell me I'll be OK & give me money for groceries & tell me to call if I ever need someone to talk to...by the way I'm giving your H a couch for his new APARTMENT!

You bet I'm angry. SO VERY angry. And hurt, and alone, and...why is the past 11 yrs not worth it? How am I a worse choice than being here, home, and clean/sober?

Bills were being paid before...I cannot afford this life. And now his portion can go toward his new life. Terriffic. I'm SURE there's a girlfriend to go along with it. And why do I care? Well, because I sleep alone now, that's why.

See, people keep saying that - that addicts lie. And generally I won't argue with this. But H has been quite honest - so much so that he had no problem telling me he likes this, he deserves "a couple beers", he earns "a bowl or 2"

Yes, I am angry. Angry beyond belief.

He's got an apartment. He's got an apartment!

no more....... he likes to drink, smoke pot, he earns it - puts in the extra work & gets his priveleges.

He's got an apartment. He's got an apartment!

no more.......NOTHING physical in THIS fight. Yes, in the past, indeed stuff was hurled, ripped, stomped, thrown, broken, shattered...

He's got an apartment. He's got an apartment!

no more.....pot in the house....no more no more no more

juliew..

embrace the peace.
breathe in and out
the alternative is he is home...and it is status quo...
he will thrust his entitlement to abuse pot and drink..because he has earned it...

and you will be where you WERE at again...
remember your return post...
it's been a year...
and it's the same....

do you want the same for next year...

the stone you have thrown is the begining of the ripple....it's not even close to being over...

embrace this night
this moment...

for he is not there....and in reality there is peace...

he is not bad
he is not horrible.
he is not healthy though...

ARK

You guys, I can't argue, I know you're right.

But in between all that that you posted, every complaint I had, there were some great times with a really great husband. Snuggling on the couch or winking at me from across the room or grabbing me & kissing me...

And I don't get that anymore. I got dumped! OUR money is going towards an APARTMENT!?!?!?! MY DAUGHTER'S family's stuff is going...IN HIS APARTMENT?!?!? My kids are happy their dad has somewhere to sleep - AN APARTMENT?!!?!?

There WAS peace in this house all weekend. When he was freaking out & trying to contact me. When I knew in the back of my head how powerful I looked/seemed, getting myself stronger. Now he's going behind my back asking the kids if they need rides to/from school. I'll bet he can't wait to show them HIS APARTMENT.

I'm not healthy either. I'm a complete mess, in fact.

Julie I know how you feel. Mine isn't drinking or drugs but women, are his drugs at the moment. He can't afford to pay me support but he can afford to go out. He wants the D not me, but I have to live with him and watch him do what he wants and call it a seperation? Shhhhya. Selfish is all it is! The biggest thing is that I was a stay at home mom, almost 6 years out of the workforce and where am I going to get but a minimum wage job trying to support 2 kids? I am really frightened to say the least. Everything moneywise we had is gone sold my engagement ring to pay utilites on the business we bought together and trying to figure out how to come up with the $500 a month that it is sucking out of me until it sells. I could go to bed and never get out again I am so depressed.

Julie, you do understand that he still has to pay your house bills as he always has? Even if you have to go to an attorney to make that happen. And you may have to go to an attorney.

Your H probably did get an apartment and he is hoping to teach you a lesson so you will not be so uppity next time. HE IS HOPNG YOU WILL REACT AND come begging on bended knee. DON'T!

DON'T REACT. You have your plan, stick with it. Start working on your plan B letter, get your finances secured, set up visitation, and designate an intermediary.

No Mel, I don't understand that. I don't understand ANYTHING.

I can't do it. I'm so defeated. I feel like my life is over. I've tried so hard. I love him. I miss him. I'm not helping my kids.

Yes, you are helping your kids, Julie. You are protecting them by protecting your marriage. And part of that is ensuring that they are protected financially. I hope it doesn't have to happen, but you may have to get a legal seperation in order to ensure you are protected.

Your life is not over. It is just starting just you are finally doing something to STOP THIS CYCLE OF SICKNESS, AND ABUSE AND DYSFUNCTION. You have no future with him if you don't do something POSITIVE for a CHANGE.

You have a PLAN for a solution, Julie. You can't afford to give into your emotions when it gets a little tough. Your life has been TOUGH, Julie. The solution will not be EASY.

Are you sure?

I don't like pity parties but dangit if I want one right now. You're right, the dysfunction has stopped...or has it? How many bar ****** (or, maybe, very nice girls) will my kids have to meet now? How much competing will go on? How many of my utilities will be shut off?

I'm working my butt off so I will do my darndest to prevent that, you know that.

But HIS life has just begun...the life he's always wanted, at that, so it seems. Free from the horrible wife who always picked up the pieces. And left the laundry in the basket for a week. And made sure he had enough money for lunch, new tools, good boots, smokes & the drinks he deserved...

YOU have a plan for my solution, Mel! I'm sitting here dying inside. Delusional, I can admit, but still the thought crossed my mind that today, our anniversary, he'd give me a gift: the gift of sobriety & a better, clean, fresh future.

He is FREE to hit the bottom he so desperately NEEDS. That is a gift of LOVE to your husband, Julie. To step aside and remove yourself and your children from his abuse so he can HIT BOTTOM.