I will try to keep this as short as possible.

I am D w/ 4 kids from previous M.

Remarried w/ one more child to a man from another country;but whom now holds a green card. Married now over 3 years. I thought he loved me, but now I am second guessing everything.

Karma has hit ex H and his OW (now W). They are being forclosed on and are losing their home.

I am gaining sole custody of the 4 other kids (awesome) rather than sharing custody. They are set to move here in just a few days.

Current H married me knowing full well that I have 4 other kids to consider and accomodate. But, now that permanent living arrangements are in place for them to live here, H is freaking out, abusing me emotionally, mentally. I am worn down.

The abuse has been so bad, that I have sought counselling with a local women's crisis center for the past several months. The abuse intensified back in the summer after I got the news that I will gain the sole custody of the kids, which is why I sought help.

H has been putting me on a roller coaster since then...one week he is fine w/ them living here, then the next week he abuses me over it. It has become a cycle and I cant deal with it anymore.

I know what my options are and am all set with a plan if and when I feel it is time to leave, thanks to the crisis center.

BUT....H a few weeks ago threatened me if the kids do show up, he will abandon all of us and leave back to his country. OR he threatened to kidnap our son back to his country and leave the rest of us abandoned.

I left for a few days and nearly ended up in a tranistional home.

Of course, H wooed me back home promising me the entire world and promised and assured me everything is ok and the other kids are welcome here.

(((I want to mention here....our son together does NOT have a passport and I intend on keeping it that way)))))

I know I could always get a protection order and kick him out, but I hesitate on doing that right now. I dont know why. I think I am more fearful of what he will do if I did that. Our home is up for sale at the moment also. H wanted to upgrade to a bigger home for all of us....but, of course, his week to week abuse over the other kids has me in constant chaos.

H cancelled a credit card on me after his threat. And still has not replaced it. I am left with only limited funds in our joint checking for groceries.

Whatever money I do have, H tries to take from me. Ex. I needed to get an extra bed...H demanded I pay for the bed, which left me with nothing...yet the very same day, he turned right around and bought himself over $200 worth of clothes.

I am frantically cutting coupons and am participating on freecycle as much as I can to cut costs on things for the kids.....then, just a couple days ago, H goes and buys 1K worth of bedroom furniture. I am lost and dont know WHAT his behavior is demonstrating. It feels passive-aggressive to me.

Ever since his huge threat of leaving the country, our marriage has been very tense. Although, he says he didnt mean it, and he was sorry, he would never be such a coward....I am still in pain and fear over it. I am shut down and quite broken.

ANother twist to the saga, is he INTENDS on keeping my past life and kids a SECRET from his entire family FOREVER> Which is unrealistic and fantasy....BUT< I am fearful, that if he truly intends that....that my son with him truly is in real danger of being kidnapped.

After 3 years of marriage, his family still has no idea about their other grandkids and I am being forced to keep quiet with the "its not our culture" bribe/plead from H...or "It will kill my family to know this"

I dont know WHY this man married me with so much baggage...but he did. I love him and I think he loves me ....but I am just seeing manipulation now. He never informed me I must keep quiet about my past life before marriage.

I am at a loss.
I dont know what more to add now. I am exhausted and stressed and scared of this man.

Thank you for listening.

emma,

You can't bring four children into this nightmare. If you want to stay with this man....then you need to be willing to give up custody of your children. This is an abusive relationship. What do the counselors at the woman's shelter advise you to do?

They told me to kick him out or go to a transitional home w. the kids.

The kids have NOWHERE to go other than HERE...they are losing the house...so I have NO choice to take them.

AND Of course I WANT my kids.

I want to also ADD here...all these 3 years, H has always told me they were all welcome here anytime.....but now that things are getting down to the nitty gritty and the kids NEED to be here more permanently...H has been really laying in the abuse with me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I feel like I cant trust a word that parts his lips <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Why tell me one thing and then behave the opposite and worse??

When he purchased the 1K in bedroom furniture...he told me it was PROOF to me that he accepts everything and that he is not going anywhere. I just dont know WHAT to think anymore <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Why is H being such an [censored]?? I am not getting this ::(

emma,

You need to follow the advice of the shelter. I don't know where your husband is from....but I've heard stories like this from other women. You CAN'T trust a word that parts his lips....and his threats are very scary. Some of this is no doubt cultural....male dominated society....your past needing to be hidden. Girl....please get out. I know you love him....many times we are attracted to things that are terrible for us. But your children must be protected whether you love him or not. He lied to you. He lied to get his green card and he never intended to take in your children. He was going to pass you off as a first-wed bride to his family and your children don't fit in with his lies.

In all good conscience....I must tell you that these strategies are not meant to work in abusive situations. This is not an infidelity sitch....and these strategies can actually put you in more danger if you stay with this man. You need the help the women's shelter has to offer....and it's not that you're aren't unwelcome....only that I want to be sure to point you right back towards the right help for your situation.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

what are the countries/languages involved?

Hi Emma
I didn't have to get my husband's permission to get my US born children non US passports, all I needed was birth certificates, my passport, my birth certificate and my green card (to show that I was in the US legally).

Now this will vary from country to country but I suggest you contact his Embassy now and make sure they know that you would hold them liable if they issue a passport to your son and he uses it to kidnap him. Find out who to write do and keep a copy of the letter.

Peace of mind over this might help you a little.

Emma Wtrs :

First,
so very sorry you have found yourself in such dreadful circumstances. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Is there any way you can simply make a report to the authorities about your H's THREAT of taking your child out of the country??

That way there is at least a record of His Threat,
should he attempt to actually carry through with it.

At the very least,
they might give you valuable info as to "what" you actually CAN do to keep your son in This Country.

I mean since he is the Bio Father,
he might be able to actually take His/your son .......without much difficulty.
(After all, I suppose your H could secretly get a pass port for his own child). Ya Know??

As to why is he doing this?
Apparently from your description your H is very manipulative and maybe these Extreme Circumstances are forcing him to expose "who" he really is.

Guess since the kids are coming Very soon your going to get your answers (as to his TRUE intentions) in rather short order.

Perhaps listen to those persons IRL that have true experience in these matters,
as I'm sure they are only looking out for both You and All your Kids.

emma,

I really like the suggestions you're getting.....but please follow through on those suggestions in a SAFE place. Your home is not safe. I'm so sorry.

While this may sort of be in the wrong area...and I apologise for that.

My H has had a long history of internet infidelity as well. This all play in and ties together.

I used to come here quite a lot for help for it. So, all of this ties into what I need to do. Im sorry I forgot to mention the infidelity/online things w/ this post. My mind is quite scattered right now.

Right now, my biggest concern is keeping my kids safe always.

My kids come first. Always. I wont ever hesitate to take them to a shelter if need be. However, I have heard so many horror stories on those places as well. So, I am so confused <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I could get a protection order and get him out, too. But, even with that, I wouldnt feel safe ENOUGH. Someone here said we are not safe in THIS home. I agree. The women's center tells me I am better off getting him out w/ an order....and they tell me we must be homeless before being accepted into any shelter.

Either way, I am panicked out of my mind <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Thank you for listening.

I am at a loss <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for listening.

Do you have any extended family you could call on? Either to come and stay at your house with you to help stabilize things or for you and the children to go and stay with for a time?

Have you contacted an attorney to see what your legal options are?

Look into getting a credit card in your name alone based on your 2006 income tax return (I am assuming it was a joint filing?)

Are all the bank accounts in his name only?

Sorry for all the questions, but not knowing what you have already looked into and what you may not have thought of takes more info.

Emma,
You have to do what is best for your children. From what I read your first husband had an affair and married the OW. Then the kids lived with them. Now they are loosing their home and are coming to live with you and and your current husband. A man that is a known cheater, abuser and lier? I believe in saving marriages but not this one. It is too toxic. Do you work? Where does the income come from to pay the bills? Can you move to a less expensive home so you can afford it on your own?

I dont work <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

So, yeah. If I leave, then it will all be with the aide of the state and shelter, etc. All those programs.

I did look into legal aide briefly. She tried to push for the protective order, but, quite frankly...I pushed for the tranistion house first.

I am still in Limbo with decisions.

Yes, I do have my own CC, but only have like a 1200 limit <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> so , that is a start, but wont go too far.

Thanks for listening to me. It helps.

Emma, I worked on a case once very similiar to this where the American wife agreed to travel to the husband's country with him and their child. While before, it was a whirlwind romance and marriage, once there, everything changed. She was not allowed input into her child's upbringing, she was beaten by the family, she was treated horribly. She managed to escape by feigning a physical condition. They took her to the hospital in the next country where she was able to contact the US embassy.

She came back to America but had to leave her child there. It was many many months of legal battles trying to get him back. If I remember correctly, she ended up getting him back when her husband brought him back to her.

I'm not trying to scare you but if your husband is threatening to take your child away that alone should be enough for you to GET AWAY from him. As for your other children, is there anyone else who could help you find placement for them just until you get your OWN situation resolved first? Did you gain legal custody of them through court or has your ex-h just volunteered to let you have them? Who is financially responsible for them?

Do you have a church? A pastor you can call?

Do you have access to his passport? If so, can you put it away in a safe place so that you don't get caught be surprise? A couple of years ago an American WW who was working in England under the guise of visitation took the son with her to England without the BH knowledge. The BH had been encouraged to take the children's passports and give them to his attorney. He didn't and WS used them.

If you can get his passport and put it in a safe place unbeknownst to him, that's one less thing for you to have to worry about.

Also, just asking again - do you have extended family and/or friends that can come and spend time with you over the next couple of weeks?