What were the signs that my WH was becoming a "Former" wayward?

1. NO CONTACT ESTABLISHED
He came to me - told me that he had been allowing another woman to make love bank deposits and he wanted to stop. We together sent an I/M requesting no one-on-one contact with my husband ever again. He ignored her. He focused entirely on meeting my needs - the process was not sudden - but rather, with each attempt she made to break contact, he got better at enforcing no contact. And he would notify me instantly.

2. NO SECRETS
All of his computer accounts/emails, etc. were at my disposal. I was invited to read his 12 step online meeting posts - that's how we discovered her last method of violating no contact - and we outed her together.

3. No requests or expectations that I make allowances for any kind of foggy wayward behavior.

4. NO ATTITUDE OF ENTITLEMENT
Special note to SMB - you requested that we not post on your thread. If the "F"WS you are referring to is who I think it is, this is a dead giveaway he hasn't earned the "F" yet.

5. NO BLAMING OP, ME, OR OTHER
Another special note to SMB - do you see the victim in that supposedly remorseful wayward? (that is, if we're thinking of the same wayward). His pastor made him cheat?? Give me a break!!!

6. NO EXPECTATION OF RECOVERY but will do whatever it takes to make me whole. SMB - your TST went through several false recoveries, like the WS who is portraying himself as "FORMER". What made it different this time? He surrendered control!! TST made the statement that you deserved peace, however that came. With or without him. He was signing over his life to you and you could stomp on it if you wanted to and run away with all your needs met forever, or you could give him a chance.

TST has earned his "F" and will likely spend the rest of his life earning and keeping the "F". It's the one "F" worth earning!

agreed. TST has surprised me with his rapid recovery and growth. He is a good man and is married to a good woman.

Hi KaylaAndy -

I think this thread is a good idea because on the rare occasion a WS comes here, it's even rarer that they really are a FWS, fully de-fogged and really ready for genuine recovery.

Great points.

From what I've seen WS's typically try to rush recovery and avoid making the needed changes; or they think they can go back to their old ways and hang-outs once the BS forgives them or 'gets over it' - they resist making PERMANENT changes or start to resent having to make the changes.

KA,

I'm confused. I didn't refer to any WS's in my post, did I??? I DID refer to the BA reincarnation.

Help me out here, I may just be brain dead...or as I tell my kids...I had a brain fart. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />



I have NO DOUBT....and I had reached the point that I felt it was totally hopeless. Praise God, for big and small miracles.

Thank you so much, KA for your beautiful post.

SMB - it looked like in your headline you may have been referring to another FWS - my bad. You still inspired me to write this. I can't do anything about the war BA has declared on this board. But he only has a platform because we are SO offended by him that we can't make him insignificant.

And I can so relate to your feelings of wanting to just leave - even though this is a lifeline to you. 7 years ago, I was a moderator on a faith-based recovery board for spouses of sex addicts. The OW was a sex addict and also married to a sex addict. She had specifically targeted US to be her "friends" - but she admits she has an easier time developing friendships with men. It was a very ugly time - I had a personal issue with a board subscriber and it could look like I was singling her out if I edited her crap - and boy she really really pushed the buttons, so I'd edit - shed scream and rally sympathizers.... Finally for my sanity, I left - I left my S-Anon sponsor who gave me the courage to prepare for my own "Plan B". I lost touch with a lot of friends that I had known for five years.

It took me two years to totally banish her from our lives - and another two years for her to get the point that she was NEVER going to be welcomed back. During that time, this became my safe place and also became my growing place. I learned boundaries here. I learned how to further MY recovery - to be a better wife without expecting immediate changes from my husband.

When BA started posting, you have to know what I thought - especially to see the target be "a couple" - acting almost like a marriage counselor - it totally creeped me out because it was so her style - to play therapist with no credentials, no qualifications - and definitely ain't gonna share any info to clear things up that way. Just like her...

I don't know Justuss's reasons. I wish Justuss could disclose. But for whatever reason we don't get to know.

I don't want to see TST go. But I understand the reasons none-the-less. I think eventually BA will lose interest in his latest internet toy. If we don't react, he can't get the rush and the addict has to go somewhere he can get a fix.

I want to stay focused on helping you. Whatever that help shows up as. Justuss has my e-mail - and has my permission to share it specifically with you.

bumping for SMB

Wanted to elaborate more on something I posted:

"From what I've seen WS's typically try to rush recovery and avoid making the needed changes; or they think they can go back to their old ways and hang-outs once the BS forgives them or 'gets over it' - they resist making PERMANENT changes or start to resent having to make the changes."

One of the big issues I had with my WXH, which prevented real recovery, was that he simply didn't get it that the changes he needed to make in order for our marriage to recover from his adulteries, were going to have to be permanent changes. Although he'd promise whatever he had to promise in order to talk his way back into my life, he apparently never intended to keep those promises, or to only intended to comply for a little while.

Pretty soon he'd be revealing that he thought the conditions for recovery were not needed, stupid, or even 'controlling'. He would start expressing resentment, then ridicule, then rage at 'having to' follow through on promises he had made. He would claim that my not wanting to eventually abandon the safe-guards was an indicatoin that I had not forgiven him or was 'throwing' the adulteries 'in his face'. My 'failure' to trust him enough to return to risky behaviors and situations was used to criticize me for supposedly having a 'jealousy problem'. And at times he even accused me of 'punishing' him or being 'vindictive' because I was not comfortable with him going on business trips or taking female coworkers out to lunch. He thought I wasn't 'getting over it' fast enough if I didn't let him do things like that!

And of course, he had very little trouble finding support from others in objecting to my 'lack of trust'.

But the more I've learned about how to protect marriages from adultery, from this MB site and other sources, the more I can see that some of the same changes that are needed in order to stop an adultery and to recover from adultery, should also be part of any marriage to prevent adultery from ever happening in the first place.
Unfortunately for most of my marriage (because I didn't realize I found so little support from others regarding them, and because my WXH objected so strongly) I failed to require the accountability that might have protected my marriage more.

Very people in our society understand that things like never spending time alone with the opposite sex, and 'just friends' EA's, and giving your spouse acccess to your e-mail and phone message passwords, shoudl be part of any healthy marriage. Those aren't just temporary 'restrictions' placed on a WS until the BS forgives and trusts them again!

I even had trouble finding MC's who understood why such measures were required even temporarily after adultery, let alone permanently!

Not wanting to threadjack but can you give the website for the faith-based group for the spouses that you are referring to here Kayla? This is something that I think could really help me and I was hoping to find something like this. Thanks!

Mama - I cannot give you that particular web site as it no longer serves it's purpose - last time I checked, it is HER forum - she moderates ALL boards there, and definitely that is not a safe place. The owner didn't want to be bothered to police for trolling or other problems, and she has plenty of time on her hands, so he was happy to let me go and keep her.

My biggest concern with any anon or addiction recovery board is that in order for it to be a safe place, the traditions of the 12 step program have to prevail - and for spouses of addicts, our biggest issue tends to be "cross talk" - and every non-structured recovery board that isn't founded on those 12 steps and 12 traditions, we have people working on each other's programs instead of our own.

There is one spouses of sex addicts recovery board I will refer you to - but you'll need to e-mail Justuss for my e-mail address.

Thanks Kayla. I'll give you my email that I don't use often and then take it out later. I do appreciate it. This subject is one that I have found most do not understand unless they have lived with a true sex addict. I appreciate your help! Not sure how much good but I am open.

Mama,
You have mail.