Hello friends:
Not sure the last time I was here. I had become too stressed and depressed and had to take myself away for a bit. By now there's probably new regulars, hopefully the ppl I knew before aren’t still here. This is a great website, but one I wish we didn’t need. Ok so in a nut shell, the pass 3 months or so...
To my knowledge, NC established 10/12/2007, he said he doesn't want her anymore, and he was very stupid and going through a time of confusion. (Confusion? yeah right he knew exactly what he wanted, the both of us). It’s clearer to him now that he only wants his family and he's very sorry and doesn’t want to be that person anymore.
We go to counseling every other week. In a few months I will change this to every week because some specifics dates (1 year d-day anniversary to name one) will be coming up, and I know I will be an emotional wreck. Christmas was hard, New years was very hard. All the memories and resentment hunts me. I'm very highly suspicious of him--but that's due to pass experience. I’m always thinking and waiting for him to drop the bomb. MC said this is understandable, it will take a long time for trust to be reestablished.
So he’s doing what he’s suppose to be doing, going where he says he’s going, and not hiding anything. Conversating with me, doing more things with me, and just really being a great guy----too bad he has a record, because for the time being that’s all I see. Its really really hard to trust him. I think about the A every single day, I think about the hurtful things he told me when he was in fog, I cry probably every other day. Most days I hate him for hurting me like this. Most days I wonder how he would feel if he was in my shoes. Most days I just want to leave him because the memories are too much to bare. I mean its only been 3 months. And then I wonder too----has it really been 3 months….I’m not with him 24/7, yes his attitude has changed but what if, what if there’s still an A? I still question him, I still snoop, but he comes squeaky clean. The only thing I haven’t used like I did before is my GPS and that’s because my subscription ran out. Its only $30 to restart it but I guess I stall because I’m to scared to see if he’s still cheating. But using regular following, stalking---ha, snooping etc….like I said, can’t find anything.
Our counselor is really good. And BTW we stopped Harley’s Home study course awhile ago because WH wouldn’t stop seeing OW, I wonder what the course would be like now if we started it again…with both spouses really trying this time.
One thing I can’t understand…..why would a WS cheat, only to realize (most do) that what they really want is home already. Then they say “I just want things back like they was!” Ummm, duhhhh…things will NEVER be like they was….you had an A and that can never be erased. You can come back but it will ALWAYS be different….it could be different worst or different better…….for it to be different better---you need a lot of MC, preferably Harley, WS needs to take responsibility, work hard, and try to regain trust by consistent behavior and BS needs to take responsibility for the M, forgive (ouch having a problem with this one), talk to someone if need be (IC, MC, friend, family, FWS), and both work on each other’s ENs.
Well that’s about it. We’ve had our ups and downs (mainly because I don’t trust him) but doing pretty good.
