The last Dday was over 2 yrs ago now and I thought I was really getting past it and doing good. Just recently I realized that I am nowhere near over this and in fact just this week I am beginning to feel like I care for my WH as a friend and a father of my children but that I am not in love with him. I thought I was and this has me wondering.

At the worst moments in the past 6 yrs, I have left and came back and said that I want a divorce but didn't. Everytime he has let me go and agreed with me. Didn't fight to keep me. He would say that he wants his family and knows that he screwed up but that's it.

The first Dday I quit my job and pulled the kids out of school and packed as much as would fit in my car. I was gone for 3 days at a hotel about 6 hours away. He did nothing to try and stop me from going.

The second Dday I said I wanted a divorce and he said ok. I think he knew I really didn't want it. But didn't try to argue with me or say he didn't want it.

If I ask him if he wants our family he says yes. I am finding it harder and harder to believe that he really and truly loves me. I am starting to think that he cares about me and wants to keep his family together but doesn't really love me.

At those moments did your WS fight for you? I know some were in the fog period and I don't know how that works. Mine was never in a fog.

Were you ever at the point where you just felt you were not in love with WS? How did you overcome that? We did the EN's questionaire about 2 yrs ago. I read all the books, we tried not to LB.

Right now though I can't bring myself to meet his #1 EN, SF, at all. I am cringing at the thought of him touching me. We can't afford a MB retreat or counseling.

I am in IC right now, I asked my C if he thought it would be a good idea for us to come together and he said yes. I asked WH if he would go, he said "you know how I feel about that, that it doesn't work, but if you think it will help I'll go"

I know he doesn't want to go.

Any advice? I need it!

Thanks

How about calling Steve Harley at MBers?

cw, if you simply implement MB principles as outlined in His Needs, Her Needs, you can fall in love again. I think you are hoping that just by avoiding lovebusters, that this will happen, but it won't. What is required is for you both to learn to be EXPERTS at meeting the others needs. And become GOOD AT IT. Once you hit the right combination, things will change.

It is clear that you don't feel loved and cherished by him, but the way to bring that about is by becoming a PRO at meeting his needs. I felt the exact same way as you do at one time, but my H did start cherishing me when I became a PRO at meeting his top need, RC. I was AMAZED at how very well this works.

Correcting this problem will make other things fall into place, such as your feelings about sexual relations with him.

I would start by learning this program - get the MB Home Study program. It comes with CDs, etc and I *think* it also entitles you to staff support from Dr Harleys staff.

Another potential issue I see is that your H is a serial cheater. Some people cannot overcome the resentment of multiple D-Days. that may be the case with you, but I would really try implementing MB principles before you give up.

cw, has he opened up his life to you and discontinued all the behavior that led to his affairs? Is he completely transparent?

ML, thanks for your response. My signature doesn't do my story justice. What I know is that he had ONS in 1999, I found out about it in 2001 when he was chatting online. Dday happened, I left for those 3 days, we went to MC for a short time and I thought we were doing better. About 3 months after that I had to fly home, my dad was having a quadruple bypass. I came home after a week and found that he had been on online dating site. I told him at that point 3 strikes your out.

Things were good for a while. I do remember in 2003 him watching webcam videos, but no chatting. I just told him that it needed to stop because I felt that only leads to chatting.

In Feb 2005, he had a ONS again. Then in May 2005 he was back on the computer, met someone and started a brief PA, I found out about it 3 weeks after it started in Jul. I know that's why it was brief. He said he was ending it (yeah right!).

We were apart because of training for his job (he's in the military) from 8/2004 until I found out. During somepoint early 2006, he was looking at porn (free) online, again no chatting.

And why I am here now is the same reason. Back at looking at online porn.

Each time I think it might have lead to chatting I just happened to find out early enough.

I do feel he is a serial cheater and that is why I am having a hard time thinking I will ever get any trust back for him and probably why my love for him is not the in love kind like it used to be.

We can't afford the call to MB. I got all the books on ebay back then and all the questionaires I printed off the website.

You would think that he is transparent. I have the passwords to his home and work emails. I handle the money anyways, it's always been that way. He doesn't even have a pin number for his check card. He only has 1 credit card and I actually have that. The cell phone bill is online so he knows I can check that at anytime.

He's too smart for any of that anyways. With the online stuff he made up an email through yahoo. The two that I found are now closed. And with the OW in 2005 he gave her his friends cell phone number. Didn't use his.

I understand completely why you don't love him. This is the result of multiple affairs and multiple d-days. Dr Harley mentioned on his show that once a BS grows to hate a WS, from the continual lovebusters, that it is hard to ever turn that around. I don't know if you are at that point yet, but you should know that you are probably headed that way unless something changes.

Only you can determine if you can or can't get over the resentment, cf, but i would be thinking about things like that if you are 2 years out and no closer to recovery.

THANK YOU ML!!!

I do feel that's where I am at. I just have to be ok with that. My sons are my concern. I have to be ok with tearing this family apart. I know that he started the tearing but I am the one that is going to finish it and I am just not sure that I am ok with that.

My sons have no idea that anything happened. I know some on here think that exposure means to the children as well and I just don't agree with that.

In just 4 short years my parents will be married an affair proof 50 years!

My in-laws have been married 36 years with both having an A. The BS did it for revenge. I think that was about 20-25 years ago. My H knew about it. It's only my opinion but I feel that him knowing about it and seeing that they got past it made him feel like it's ok, that it's just a mistake to get over.

My parents on the other hand made marriage look TOO easy, my brothers and I have all said that.

cf, when you are thinking about the best interest of your boys, it is also important to keep in mind that the MENTAL HEALTH of their mother is of paramount importance. Affairs are very traumatic and can harm your mental and physical health. You won't help your boys if you are in the hospital frm a nervous breakdown or suffering years of post traumatic stress disorder.

Dr. Harley warns of this danger, so take this into account when considering what is best for your boys. Staying together for the boys might not be in their best interest if it is at the expense of your mental health. YOU ARE ALL THEY HAVE!

CF,

It doesn't sound to me like your WH has taken any steps to get his act together. I'm not sure he actually acknowledges that he has a problem.

I think it is great that you are getting IC, but he also needs IC to help him understand his compulsion to cheat again and again.

He needs help, and if he doesn't get it, well I see more of this in your future I'm afraid.

Eventually, you are going to have to tell your sons the truth, especially if you decide to divorce. They deserve to know why.

Who

Well, I just told him how I feel. Nothing new. He just asked if he could stay here until after his 2 month training they are leaving for in March.

When I told him that I felt that he was not IN love with me all I got was look like "are you crazy?". No argument though.