I can't take it any longer! Quick recap of my story. My WH is having an A with co worker since November 2006. It started when I was pregnant with our first DS. I left the home in August 2007 after he treated my like S*&^ day in and day out. He has never admitted to holding the A. We have been battling in courts BIG time for custody of our DS and properties........

Every time we talk (when we exchange our DS for his visits with him) he gives remarks that hurt so deeply!
He tells me straight out that he doesn't care if I find someone else, he could care less if I slept around with someone else. He doesn't care...(those were his exact words). He makes me feel like I'm some kind of sl$%, he knows perfectly well that I'm not that type of woman.
He doesn't forget to point out that I'm ugly as could be and that is the reason why he hadn't been sexually active with me for the past year.
He doesn't STOP to think twice before he says things. Why does he want to hurt me with his remarks? I have left him alone, I don't bother him at all......What does he win with all this? He is happy in his A and prefers that over saving his M, I have accepted that. I know that if I tell him to stop treating me that way, he won't listen. It will go in through one ear and come out through the other.
Please help on how I obtain less pain from these words!
any help is greatly appreciated!

advice...consider the source...he is a low down piece of [censored] that really gets off on being cruel.

...get a bull dog attorney and take him for every single thing you can get.

Advice...record his words...they may come in handy some day...especially hwne it comes to custody.

Advice...be happy and live your life without a worry about his sorry, no good asss.

Would you pay much attention to what he said if he were falling down drunk?

Then why pay attention to what he says while he's addicted to his A?

Cal,

Are you bringing up your R when you see him? Have you been given Mr. W's Do and don't list?

DOs

1. Act Happy
2. Get a life (new activities, etc.)
3. repeat over and over..."I will make it"
4. Actively LISTEN....keep conversations at "to the point...small talk" ...don't blow it up beyond the waywards current comfort zone
5. Tend to Agree (Thank you for your truthfulness, It seems that way, you have a point)
6. Expand your social relationships (Being especially aware of your own vulnerability and keeping sharing and time with opposite sex relationships to an absolute minimum)
7. Get sexy (gym, new clothes, etc)
8. Focus on your strengths and Positives...don't put yourself down verbally or constantly go over what you did wrong
9. Accept Uncertainty (Do your best today and let God take care of tommorrow)

DON'Ts

1. Repeatedly say "I love you"
2. Ask questions that don't have answers yet
3. Criticize, complain, whine or nag
4. Say, "I've changed"....allow the wayward spouse to simply judge your actions
5. Argue, Reason or Plead
6. Don't get family or friends overly involved in recovery (notice I said "in recovery", EXPOSURE to bust up an active affair IS ESSENTIAL and EXPOSURE to the OP's spouse is an absolute MUST)
7. Act helpless or depressed
8. Discuss morality, invoke God or Dr. Laura type babble
9. Suggest marital counseling (must be the waywards idea)
10. Tell them continually "we need to work on the relationship"
11. GIVE UP

You shouldn't be discussing your R w/ him at all at this point.Just look your best and look happy.

He wants you to get angry at him and LB, so he can continue to justify his A.

How is your PLan A going?

~ Marsh

Did you do any exposure?

~ Marsh

We only see each other on Thursdays and Fridays when its time to exchange our DS. I have exposed to his work, his family (which hates me and can't stand me now because of that). Blood is thicker than water and they are all on his side. I was just reading over the DO/Don't list and basically I'm doing all the DON'T. If I begin doing what I'm supposed to, is that going to string him back to try and work on the M? How is that going to stop the A? What if its too late? I love him but the love is not as strong as it used to. I don't want to stop loving this man. He doesn't care about anything right now, not even our DS? Why is that? If he tell me he no longer loves me, that just makes me take one step further away from him. Thanks for the list, I will begin to follow the do's/dont's. Hopefully things will begin to fall in place before the D is final.

Plan A is for both of you.

Having a plan will make YOU feel/be stronger. While it will give him conflict in his mind about you and the A.

It isn't too late to Plan A him. If you are able to do a strong one now, you can follow it up w/ a Plan B, that will help you peserve your love for him, while removing you from the pain of his A.

One step at a time...

Will you see him tomorrow?

If so, dry your eyes, buy yourself something pretty and look your best when you see him.

Smile at him.

Be causual, but friendly.

There are plenty of folks here who can help you Plan A him.

Try to post everyday. Tell us what's going on, and we can be your lifeline.

~ Marsh

He doesn't care about anything except his A.

That's why it is compared to an addiction. Addicts don't care about their families either. Only their fix.

He says hurtful things to you b/c he wants you to hate him and LB him so he will be able to justify his A.

Follow that list.

Many here have carried it w/ them to be a constant reminder of what they need to do.

~ Marsh

I know I need to be friendly with him, but I how can I do that when we are constantly going to court and he is trying to take everything away from me, including our DS? I can't seem to do that, just can't. He has me living with a co worker while he is enjoying the house to the fullest.
He says he doesn't care right now about the divorce because he has bigger problems to focus on. What problems? Should he buy her gold or diamond ring?
We have court scheduled for tomorrow and frankly this whole process is taking to long. If the final D date comes and things haven't changed, then it was meant to be.
Life is so difficult, being a single mother is even harder. But I just have to be strong for my DS.

How did that happen?

Do you have your own attorney who will be your Pit Bull or are you trying to work this out by yourself?

I am so sorry for what you are going thru. Take care of yourself & your DS.

Can you get a friend, neighbor, or family member to go with you during the exchanges?

I have a feeling that he would be less likely to spill his spew in front of someone else.



You can obtain less pain by not leaving yourself at the mercy of his words. Have you studied up on and considered Plan B, where your interaction with your WH is no longer one-on-one but through an intermediary? This kind of situation seems to be ideal for Plan B.

If you have been doing your don'ts, and don'ting your do's, I would recommend reversing the order and doing a short but good Plan A, followed by a black-as-night Plan B.

You are listening to a crackhead alien. Don't. If he mentions something you can genuinely improve, do so, but throw out the insults altogether.

Let your attorney handle all the ugly stuff. Don't be drawn in yourself. "I do marriage, not divorce," should be your new catchy catch-phrase to whatever angry divorce thing he tries to get you to agree to. "Sorry, you'll have to have your attorney talk to my attorney. I only do marriage, not divorce. Say, those pants look nice on you. How is work?" Smiling brightly.

You're much stronger than you realize.

Get some advice on here about the posiblity of moving back home. If anyone leaves, it should be him.

It also helps if you, like Neak, envelope yourself in the Cape of Power (it's in her story). The red sundress with the pushup bra didn't hurt her self-confidence either, although this isn't necessarily the right time of year for a costume of such significant abbreviation! It's OK to be cool; you don't want to be frozen <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

You can do more than you think. Really.

t&l

Sorry, Cal, I don't know your full story.

What kind of support system do you have?

Friends, family, a good attorney?

Can you give us more details?

~ Marsh

I have a good attorney although the cost is starting to get to my pockets. I don't have any family living in the same state as I am. I moved to California when we got married and left my family in Texas. The only people I know are my co-workers and his family (but of course I can't ask nothing from them since they say everything is my fault).
last night he e-mailed this long story saying how much he loves me and doesn't want to get a divorce he doesn't want to lose me or our DS.
Am I right....Do WS feel this way only when they find themselves in a hole they can't dig out of? Despereration? Frankly I don't think he actually means it, his actions say the contrary.
I really don't want to fight for our home, he is late on the payments three months so he will be losing it any time soon...I don't want to have to pay all the late payments just to salvage a home that he will later want to fight over.
Thanks everyone for your advise....I will try a short Plan A and turn that into a very dark Plan B.
Calibabeus

Now you're getting it, Cal. Pay no attention to his words. Whether they be kind/encouraging or unkind/discouraging.

His actions are what you watch.

In the meantime, you work your Plan A.

How did things go for you in court today?

Did you see him today?

~ Marsh

Court was postponed because my attorney was out ill. I saw him today when I went to go pick up our DS. It's so sad, we had everything and now its all going down the drains....How sad can that be? Basically he doesn't care about a thing, he is enjoying life to its fullest and that depresses me BIG time. I am currently living at a co-workers house but I need to find a place of my own. I can't be living there for ever.

hang in there cali.

Maybe he's like that kid that yanks the girl's pigtail because he likes her. Growup

How did it go?

Did you look good? Were you upbeat? Did you try to Plan A at all?



What did you do for yourself today?

What are you working on that will improve your sitch?



Are you currently looking for another place to live?

~ Marsh