I spent christmas and the days leading up to it with WW and DS. All seemed to be going well. She had spoken with Steve Harley the week before but hadn't discussed it with me.

Christmas day she again brings up that she sees no other way but to proceed with seperation. She swore she has no contact with OM. So I checked her phone and of course I find messages from him and to him. "I love u and miss u" kind of thing.

She finally admits it and says that he is not leaving his wife again (he went home in sept) but she still loves him and can't help it. She says she initiates all the contact. But of course that has nothing to do with our situation. She hasen't been happy for years.....and we're incompatible.

So after 6 months of Plan A I just couldn't take it anymore. I feel that I am enabling her in a way as she's moved out 6 months. She has said she has noticed all my changes in Plan A but its too late. She is glad that I can take all I've learned to my next relationship.

I really could not have done more so I gave her my Plan B letter. Here it is:

My Dearest WW,

It is with great sadness that I write this letter to you. It grieves me deeply to see what has happened to us and to our marriage. I miss everything that was wonderful about our family. I miss all that we did together. Most importantly, I miss you and I long to share with you all the hopes and dreams we had for our future. The decision I now make is out of a necessity to spare what I can of my love for you.

I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with that man possible. I selfishly pursued my career, uni and other interests while forgetting my commitment to you and to meet your emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me the most and now we are suffering for my mistake and the events that followed. I did not encourage your amazing passions and interests and I am so sorry for that. I did not slow down, let go, and enjoy you nearly enough. I am so sorry for the ways I tried to control, criticize, or change you.

I have worked hard to understand and improve my own issues. I truly believe that I am now both able to meet your needs, and to be lovingly enthusiastic in doing so. I have much faith that we could build a new and better life for both of us and for Max, one where all of us would be happy. But we cannot do that until you agree to never have contact with that man ever again. You must know and realise all the pain and suffering I have endured due to your relationship with him. For this reason I can’t see or speak to you until you’re willing to give us a chance to build our marriage into everything we imagined it would be on our wedding day. If you need to communicate with me in regards to Max or any other matter (emergencies only) please text or leave a voicemail at work.

I ask you to please respect my decision to separate from you in this way. I still love you but I can’t see you under these circumstances. I am not doing this out of anger or to punish you in any way. It’s simply too painful for me to do anything else. My heart can’t take the pain anymore. Every time I’m with you I just want to hold you and cherish you, kiss you and caress you, run my hands through your hair – do all the things that I foolishly took for granted for too long. I need to protect myself now and protect the love that I still feel for you.

Please remember this is not what I want. I dream of the opportunity to build a new and better life for our family, a life where we are totally focused on one another and would never to anything to hurt each another. Then there would never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your lover and your best friend and I want you to be the same for me. I know now that I can be the husband you always dreamed of.

Forever yours



I felt good for the first few days but now I'm starting to doubt my decision. After Plan A for so long its so hard to sit back and do nothing. She calls me still leaving messages saying its stupid we can't communicate. Is it normal to feel like I am being stupid?

She has said to a friend that after talking with Steve Harley she knew it was over? Now she's talking about moving away. Don't know what the deal is with OM. I spoke to his wife about contact and she called back the next day saying that OM hated WW and she's trying to control him. He said the same when I spoke to him? He texted me last night saying he never wanted to contact her again.

Thoughts anyone? Is this the end? Please tell me its not
How do I link my previous thread to my signiture?

Thanks all

Bump...Your letter looks like it could be mine....if you don't mind, I may plagarize a lot of it! I'm looking for the same thing you are my friend, I want the pain to end, but I'm scared of making the move!

I'm not the one to ask, but I like the letter, for what that's worth.

Ron

No worries Ron, I pieced it together from lots of other posters letters before me. It is a scary time but what more can we do? All the best

I think initially the "being still" after a gung-ho Plan A is almost impossible.

But it must be done.

It's normal to feel like "I should be doing something!!!"
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

You don't need to just be doing nothing. What have you been doing to make yourself and/or strengthen yourself into the man you want to be? Those are the things you can be filling your time with now. IMO.

First off, you shouldn't even be listening to her messages. So stop doing that. And yes, she thinks Plan B is "stupid" and wants you to stop because it makes her UNEASY. See, with you around to meet a few of her needs she was able to hang on and wait for a few crumbs from the OM. She didn't realize before that it was YOU meeting her needs so now she is all alone. And it makes her VERY COMFORTABLE. She needs for you to EASE HER PAIN. And she wants you to do this with no strings attached so she continue on in her lifestyle of sitting by the phone waiting for a crumb from the OM. In many ways, you had inadvertantly ENABLED her waiting game.

But, with you gone, this waiting game seems so lonely. And she misses you sometimes. She doesn't like that feeling so she wants you to ease her pain.

But the worst thing you can do is ease her pain before she is ready to give up the OM. So, hold out for the brass ring, don't settle for less. And whatever you do, don't allow her to break through to you. STAY DARK. That will give you the BEST RESULT.

Vladie - This is why you really MUST find an intermediary.

No, its not over til its over! I reiterate BigK's advice, you need an intermediary! Go find one and have him contact your wife and explain to her that all communication should go through him.

written by a member who was counseling with SH:

Hi Vladie.

I haven't posted to you before as I have been taking a break from MB since it can wear on you after a while. However after reading some of your thread, I couldn't help but be drawn to your situation.

I want to let you know that I think you are doing an incredible job of trying to save your marriage and working Plan A (and now Plan B) during this extremely difficult time in your life.

I know how you feel...as many here do since we have experienced a similar fate. When people here talk about the "WS script" it is because the words and actions of a WS are so predictable. You may not see it now since you are immersed in the drama, which may skew the perspective slightly, but once removed it will become more evident.

In Plan A the WS's words and actions cut to the core of the BS. We feel hopeless, hurt, angry, abandoned...etc.

However, there is a wonderful thing that happens to the BS at the end of Plan A..and that is Plan B. You see the BS has very little control in Plan A, but when we enter Plan B we resume 100% control back. You can't see it yet, but having been through both Plan A and B I can tell you that I already see it happening to you.

Early in Plan B my FWW was exhibiting the exact same pattern as yours is now. First she tried to leave messages or emails implying that I was being selfish, then she tried to say it is not in the best interest of our kids (ironic I know), then she tried to use the "emergency" excuse, and finally the threats started to fly once none of her attempts at breaking my Plan B worked. I didn't know it at the time, but I was slowly regaining complete control of my life again through my refusal to have any contact with her.

The first 3 to 6 weeks of Plan B are the hardest...trust me on that. But if you can remain very dark it will make your Plan B that much more effective. If you allow her to get through to you, all your efforts during your great Plan A will be for not. If you have any hope to salvage your marriage, your WW needs to learn how to respect you again and in Plan B you will demonstrate how. She needs to know you mean what you say.

What the others have said about obtaining an INTERMEDIARY is CRICTICAL to your success. Please find one immediately.

I can tell you from experience that emails from her during Plan B will destroy whatever love you have left for her. Please do not read her emails or txt messages. She has no right to ask for direct contact with you....NONE! Everything can be discussed through an intermediary who will effectively filter out the WS garbage and rhetoric. I can't stress this enough.

Like you, I thought it was over with no hope for us. Heck that is what she told me. But guess what started to happen during my Plan B...she started to crack, slowly at first and I sometimes didn't see any progress for months. All the while I continued to work on myself and regained my self-respect and dignity. Even though she couldn't contact me directly, she noticed.

Then after almost a full year of Plan B, she started to crash and I began to see my old wife again. Now she is doing everything I could ask of her, however I'm the stumbling block now as there was so much LB'ing on her part during Plan A which I'm having a hard time getting over. That is why I caution you to go dark as a way to protect whatever love you have remaining for her. It may feel strong now, but if she ever wakes up you will need every ounce of it. That is the primary goal of Plan B...for the BS to protect the remaining love they have left for the WS. I guarantee that reading her emails and text messages will slowly drain that love for her. As a good friend of mine would tell me here, "let her choke on your Plan B!".

Protect yourself and solicit an intermediary now...for you and the chance of salvaging your marriage.

I wish you all the best.

Hi,

U have been getting good support. The post from Hopethisworks is excellent since it shows what happens when plan B is enacted and why.

I would like to add that instituting plan B with a clear mind and calm heart helps one get the control back into their lives as plan b is designed to do.

Don't get scared. She will try to scare you and coerce you back into her control. She will intimidate and threaten you as well. Know this and hold your ground.

You are not the one who left the family.

Notice how she is blaming everyone but herself for her actions (i.e. it's because she spoke with Steve that she is leaving.....). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Now is the time to learn to tell the difference between true talk and WS babble. Then learn how to respond to the WS babble.

You can read the links in my sig line about reverse babble. If you want some further examples, post what has been said to you that you think is babble and we will give it a shot. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Right now you find your 3rd party designated contact, set him/her up and stay away from the WS. It is for your good as well as hers.

Just remember, you want your W back NOT the WS. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Just a side note to HPW..... great post!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Thanks for helping.

take care,
L.

Awesome post, Hopethisworks!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

htw.....somebody needs to take that post and put it with the Plan B resources....fantastic.

Vladie.....All that's left to add is that when Plan B actually begins to work, and you detach from the chaos of this affair....it becomes very peaceful. Without the daily drama of suspicions, and checking for contact, that consuming your days....you'll be able to pass your days thinking about things you've neglected during these painful months. You'll find that you can be productive again. You'll begin to take better care of your health. You'll start to fill your time with things you enjoy. These first couple of days....are scary....but that will subside as your focus changes from your WW back to you and who you want to be. This isn't a waiting game.....this is actually a time when you get to bloom. As htw said.....the challenge is protecting your love for her....because Plan B is designed to prepare you for any outcome.

*edited for grammar

Blessings to you.

Thank you Hope, and all others who have responded. WW texted me last night asking was I ok. I did not answer then she said "please don't ignore me". I wanted her to stop so I just replied read my letter and leave me be. She responded "I understand I am so sorry". I said not sorry enough obviously and she replied "you think you know how I feel believe me its not good".

I left it at that. I know I shouldn't have responded and I won't again. She dropped DS earlier and I didn't even see her. I know she doesn't like not having contact with me. I think its as hard for her as me. But only she can do anything about it....

STOP RESPONDING VLADIE

Ok I am really getting mad! WW called me yesterday and I ignored the call. She then texted and said she needs to talk about DS. So I call. She has set up a mediation appointment on thurs and wants me to set on eup too then we go together. All because our schedule is affecting DS.

Isn't mediation for people who can't agree on a schedule? We have one in place for the last six months! The problem now is that with me in Plan B and not having any family time, all of a sudden things aren't going her way! I told her I was not going. She sent me a message saying "please go with me". I replied "I'm not going to any mediation. We all know that its in DS's best interest to have a family. Too bad for him you didn't think of that while playing around with a married man. Its now in his best interest to spend equal time with both of us. I hope he will adapt to your choices". I did not get a response.

She wants everything her own way its disgusting. If she really cared about DS she would be back home putting everything into trying to recover our marriage. I wonder what I actually love about this woman?

Have you thought about trying plan B?

What Mel is saying Vladie is "what part of Plan B do you not understand" and I must agree with her.

YOU NEED AN INTERMEDIARY

I have to speak to her about matters relating to DS as custody could be an issue soon. As Steve Harley told me - the courts don't like intermediaries and Plan B.

Problem is she won't leave me alone

huh??? The Harleys INVENTED PLAN B and the concept of INTERMEDIARY!

Here is a post from Dr Harley written to a woman whose husband was furious about Plan B: [she has 3 little DD's under age 6!]

p.s. Steve himself guided this same woman into a VERY DARK Plan B and she has THREE little girls. He told her how to even avoid all of his emails, bouncing them to her intermediary. When her H complained about no contact, Steve responded "TOUGH."

So imagine my confusion here.

And imagine my ALARM at the fact that you are lovebusting your W while in PLAN B! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

What Steve said is that as I don't have a legal custody arrangement yet (its all verbal between me and WW) and the fact that DS is only 2 and screams when he has to leave one of us, that if I sent someone else to collect him then WW could use that against me.

Remember too that we have no family here so DS wouldn't be comfortable being hauled away by a stranger.

If custody was all settled legally then it would be different.