My 12 year old son met a girl at Church camp last summer and since then they have called themselves boyfriend and girlfriend (she is 11). The see each other from time to time at Church, but that is about it. I mean he is only 12 years old... It's cute and innocent.

Ok here is where the problem kicks in. I have gotten really close to her mother and we have gone out a few times. We have a lot in common and there is a true connection there between us. Here is her concern: “I can deal with a lot of things but my daughter hating me and thinking I put my happiness over hers is not something I can deal with.“ How can this work? I mean they are 11 & 12… I know they have feelings and I don’t want to hurt them either, but this is someone I am very interested in seeing. I figure time will work things out, but she is not so sure.

Help!

I wouldn't worry about it at 11 and 12 <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. Besides you two are the PARENTS, and she is 11!! She won't hate you. She may pout and be unhappy for a bit, but most kids feel that way at some point! Date and enjoy each other. Don't let you daughter's "relationship" interfere with what could be something special. BTW, and this is JMO...I am the Mom of 15 yo and a 19 yo and my 15 yo doesn't even have a BF yet! Yikes!

I guess I don't understand what she is trying to say. Why would her daughter hate her? How is you dating the mother interfering with her daughter's hapiness? Can you clarify?

AGG

ranman, it's not like this would make them step siblings....

At their age, the odds of them still being boyfriend and girlfriend in even another 3-4 months is remote. I'd just hold back and remain friends for now, until the kids move on. If you're interested for the long haul, it won't matter waiting a few more months.

ETA, it's my opinion that children that young aren't allowed to date anyway. If you're allowing them to spend time together as bf/gf, you may want to rethink that. It's the ones who start 'dating' that young who are the most likely to get pregnant. Yes, I said pregnant. I see 6th and 7th graders making out all over the place around here.

Her daughter fears that if we date, we may one day get married which would make her daughter and my son step-siblings.

I'm just wanting to take this one day at a time and get to know her better. She is such an awesome person and I really would hate to let this slip away. I go to bed thinking about her, I wake up thinking about her. We were both awake at 4 in the morning the other day thinking about each other... she sent me a text as I was typing her an email. There is a true connection here that most people dont come across that often. She just really fears hurting her daughter, and putting her feelings over her daughter's feeling.

thanks!

Oh, trust me they dont date. They are only 11 & 12. Heck they hardly ever talk to each other. Half the time they don't even sit next to each other in Children's Church. It's more of a crush and being able to say I have a boyfriend/girlfriend then anything. But the fact is her daughter would be hurt and that is what we are trying to avoid...

Are you sure they're not texting and Aiming each other electronically?

Anyway, if you really like her, you should be able to remain friends for as long as it takes for the kids to find new interests.

Ok. this may make me seem as a sap, but this week's Gossip Girl episode has the same thing, except with teenagers.
The girl told the mom she didn't want her dating her "true love" since she's dating the son.
So, the mom went with the daughter's wishes.

Now, even BF & GF at that age would scare me. I keep telling my girls they can't date until they are 25. They both know I'm kidding, but wouldn't that solve many, many problems.

I am 100% positive.

It’s a crush with the novelty of being able to say I have a boyfriend/girlfriend at this stage. Should I encourage my son in another direction, would that be wrong?

Heh. My H has long told my daughter that she can't date til she's 32. She just had her first date a couple months ago, at age 17. Of course, she had boyfriends before that, but not to go alone anywhere.

btw, I recommend anyone with girls to subcribed to Daughters Magazine/newsletter (www.daughters.com). It's the most amazing thing I've ever gotten to help me with raising my D17, and I've been getting it for several years. Lots of stuff in there for dads and daugthers, too. Sometimes, I'll sit and read it together with D17 so she'll hear about issues and solutions. Great stuff.

Well, you only had a few dates so far, so you are up to your ears in Infatuation. Nothing wrong with that, but realize that you are a long Long LONG way from knowing if you two are right for each other.

I'd suggest to keep getting to know her slowly, give it time, and don't worry about what might happen a year or two from now. The concern of "if we get married our kids would be step-siblings" is way premature, not to mention that even that would not be the end of the world. They would not be blood relatives after all.

AGG

I don't see where you have a problem. This is a concern of the woman you are dating. It is not your concern. If she has a problem then it is her problem and one you cannot fix for her.

All you can do is ask her out and hope she accepts your invitations. If she brings up her concerns, all you can do is listen and validate her. Be careful not to judge her feelings on the matter when you let her know that you do not share her concerns for yourself and your own child.

Sometimes we women just like to talk through stuff like this. We only want someone to listen...to sound off of. We are still working it out in our own heads. A man might be surprised to learn that we are not as committed to the view that they think we have on the matter. The worst thing a guy can do is tell us we shouldn't feel or think this way or that way or criticize the logic of our thinking.

There is also a possibility that this woman was setting herself up with an "out" in case she needed a polite way out of this new relationship without hurting your feelings.

Man is it quick to get off topic here. Who said anything about them dating or even spending time together? They are 11 & 12 for goodness sakes! They see each other at Church. It's a crush, we all had them as kids. Don't try and make this some vent about kids dating too young, becuase neither my son nor my daughter will date before they can at least drive (I tell them at the age of 21 though). The do not date, they do not see each other alone, they are very good and well behaved Christian kids who have a crush on each other.

Well, I just assumed there was more of a relationship involved if the mother is that worried about coming between it. But if it's that mild and innocent and low key, what is the issue, aside from the woman being afraid to stand up to her daughter? And in that case, you're doomed anyway, cos she is not taking the adult's stance of 'I'm the adult,' and she will not choose to date you over her daughter's wishes. Many divorced parents react differently with their kids AD, try to make sure the kids don't resent them, maybe even become their friends instead of maintaining a parental distance. You may want to evaluate that.

Another consideration is that the kids may just not want their parents dating, period, and this is a great excuse in their eyes.

Sorry to upset you.

ranman,

So what is your concern then? I am not sure I understand.

AGG

Thanks for all the opinions, keep them coming.... I'm not upset, I just did not want anyone to think it's any more then it is. Her daughter had just told her: "You can't date him, Mom that's not fair!" As silly as it is, a crush can hurt when lost even at 11 and that is what her mother is trying to avoid (hurting her daughter).

I appreciate everyones opinions, it helps me see it from all angles.