I am sadly having to go into Plan B.
My WH was with me and our son on Christmas Eve, and with the OW (his ex) and his other son on New Year's Eve. New Years Day I did a drive-by and sure enough his van was at her house. I knew he had to work, so I went home and cried instead of confronting him then and there.

I had a dinner party that night and he showed up in the same clothes as he wore the night before. It disgusted me truly.

So, here is my Plan B letter...a little different b/c I am pissed off. Plan A was good, but I have recently got the babble "I love you, but I don't know if it's enough". Plus this cake eating stuff and I am just heartbroken.

Do you guys think this is too harsh? I have cut and pasted so many letters - thanks to all those that shared their own stories. Here goes...

I love you H. I have loved you ever since our tennis match. I still do. When we met and fell in love, things were beautiful between us. Our hearts were open, defenses were down and it was easy.

The first pitfall occurred when you kissed her, because of guilt that you felt about leaving a dying relationship and hurting someone. But that relationship is over. You can’t look behind you on your way to moving forward with me. You know that she is not right for you, that she is not the one you want.

I apologize if anything that I did or didn’t do created an environment where you thought an affair was a possibility. You already know I regret hurting you and wish I could take it back.

But a man striving to become honorable can’t have much sincere respect for a woman involved in an affair. I wish you would open your eyes to the truth. What kind of person would knowingly come between a husband and wife? Not me. That is not the type of woman that brings long life and comfort to a man.

You are my husband, and there is only one other that is allowed between us and that is God. We chose each other. I am the other half of what makes you whole.

There has been damage since the very first affair - just look to see all other areas of your life that was spoiled. It was like a bad seed that spread its destruction. I just don’t understand the “me only” attitude that you have, when you are a married man and have a wife that depends on you and cares for you. You could have it all – wife, home, family, success.

Learning to take care of you was my first priority but if you don’t tell me your emotional needs I cannot fulfill them. How can I? If listening is one thing you needed, I wanted to listen, but when you are yelling it is so hard. And I have needs. I have things that I wish you would do for me like romance, faithfulness, affection, an open and honest spouse, communication, fun times together, respectful talk. And things I can’t live with like putting hands on me, cussing, name calling, impatience, unwillingness to talk, lying, and unfaithfulness. It is a give and take.

I just needed time to get over the hurt. Time to trust again while you were behaving, but it didn’t last long until another affair and the cycle began again. My pain and anger was a normal reaction to what happened. It would be wrong to turn that anger onto someone else and harmful to me if I internalized those destructive emotions. But I didn’t leave you or turn to another man. I didn’t leave the marriage. I read books. I went to counseling. I tried to talk to you, but it was never a “good time”. And through it all I was always committed to you 100% and for that I have no regrets.

H, I want us to be able to meet each other’s emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to create a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. We cannot do that until you agree to never have contact with her unless it has to do with the kids. You must know and realize all the pain and suffering I have endured due to your relationship with her.

If you seek someone else out, I can’t possibly be the one to make you happy, because there will always be a second person giving you something that I can’t, that I haven’t learned yet. That is not fair. It isn’t giving us a fair chance. Something you always seemed to know about, and talk about, but I want it now for us and you aren’t interested.

I am so very sorry for any time I rejected you. I look at your face now and your lips and wish with all my heart that loving and faithful words would come out of your mouth for ME and only me.
I know that the deep love that made you want me, strive for me and pick me is still there somewhere. I see it in your eyes.

Making you leave wasn’t a punishment to you, it was self-preservation. You stole something that was precious to me and crushed it. Your cruel words and betrayal prompted me to take care of myself. And I didn’t want our son to see or hear our behavior. You taught me that you can’t be trusted to protect me or care for me or be faithful to me…things that I desperately needed from you.

I have been changing, and approaching you with thoughtfulness, care and love without asking anything in return. And still, you aren’t willing to build on the love that you feel. I can’t show you in any other way than by my goodness and kindness towards you. You hold on to hurt so long, and I don’t want to be punished anymore for things that are forgivable.

My heart can’t take the pain anymore. Every time I’m with you I just want to hold you and cherish you, kiss you and caress you, run my hands on your body – do all the things that I took for granted for too long. I need to protect myself now and protect the love that I still feel for you. For this reason I can’t see or speak to you until you’re willing to give us a chance to build our marriage into everything we imagined it would be on our wedding day.

Call my Mom to see N and she’ll get in touch with me. He needs to start spending the weekend with you, and I need a much deserved break. He loves you and wants to be around you.

Marriage, especially with children, has many reasons to restore the respect, passion and care. I wish you could see it as I do. I wish you could go for it… Love me. Respect me. Accept me. Take care of me. Desire me. Consider me. Be truthful to me. I would live my life to do those things for you.

Change is possible and real. Change has happened. I wish that you wanted it. I prayed so hard that you wanted the same thing…that you wanted to restore our marriage, our relationship, our family, no matter what it took, no matter how long. Even if we didn’t know what to do or how to do it, we would be together, figuring it out, working on it, making it better, failing and trying again, moving on as a couple, just you and I.

I still believe that we can build a marriage that is stronger and more beautiful than either one of us has experienced.

Nobody falls in love by choice, its chance.
Nobody stays in love by chance, its work.

I love you so much.
BS

I'm no expert on Plan B, but letters like your, although accurate, heartfelt and generally right on the mark, do more harm than good.

It has been written on these forums 10,000 times that you cannot "teach" a wayward anything, due to the fog.

If, indeed, you are convinced Plan B needs to be your next step, go with the proven, short and sweet Plan B letter that has been posted/recommended here many times.

It speaks the truth about why you cannot be in contact with the wayward any more, and spells out what the WS needs to do in order to have the privilege to return to the marriage.

Plan B must be done with a vengence, and a WS will try anything to break your efforts, so know that going in! You must remain dark, dark, dark.

Perhaps someone will be along soon with a representative copy of the "recommended" Plan B template.

Sorry, but I agree with Shattered. This letter is far too preachy.

Writing the letter was probably theraputic for you, but the one you actually send needs to be short, sweet and to the point.

Who

^^^bumping up for some Plan B experts^^^