Yes, dad's an alcoholic.

No, mom's not ready for this or technically qualified. BUT...neither is H's mom or sister. With my mom, at least she'll protect the kids - not H's lifestyle.

I agree, I think this letter/this plan/this next step buys him FREEDOM - but we'll see. He might pick them up high. Not drunk. Yes, my skin did just crawl a little bit just now.

I think you are going to need a STRONG intermediary...someone who has the ability to stand up to raging alcoholic behaviors. If your mom is enmeshed herself with an A, I wonder if there is not a better choice. You proably haven't had enough time for a good sponsor yet...I'm just worried about this part.

You said there is no rush. It feels like you don't have this completely worked out yet. If you don't have a strong plan you could get weak whe he tries to break your plan B and then, as Mel said, that is a disaster with an A.

OK, I'll wait, no prob, it's just that I feel like a ping-pong ball here between DO IT & DON'T DO IT!!

Whatever's clever...

There is a difference?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

As far as your mother being the intermediary, all she has to do is agree to not pass on any messages that are not pertinent. If he does rage at her, so what? She hangs up or ignores his email and doesn't pass that news onto you. She doesn't have to reason with him at all, in fact, she is to be ENTIRELY NEUTRAL. Can she do that?

Can she do this [written by another board member]:

I think so. I think she'll be uncomfortable with the situation (but, as in many cases, is my ONLY OPTION) so she'll pretty much say nothing. He won't rage at her. There will be no email.

And as for the kids, he can pick them up @the door & drop them off too, so my mama doesn't have to be involved w/that right?

Mel, you didn't answer about my "predicted outcome(s)". Don't want to? I've got AIM if that's easier. See, I just don't get it. I don't know that I'm ready to "go dark" because I cannot see a way back to the other side once I do. Is it possible that course of action isn't for me?

[/quote]

To me? No. To H? Yep.

I was hoping somebody would catch that. Did you catch the part in my letter about keeping partying/loose women away from my kids?

No, I didn't answer your predicted outcome. I already told you what I thought, but we can only guess so there is no need to sit around and speculate. Best to just be prepared.


I don't know what this means.

I think he will divorce me!

AND, with school concerts and mortgages due and papers potentially being drawn up...I expect dark won't last long.

He might. He also might not.

then don't do it. If you aren't prepared to go dark, don't waste your time.

Julie, like I said, you have to be ready to follow through, and I see you already casting about for reasons to break Plan B before you even start. That is not a good sign.

Uy!

You are telling me to do something.

I offer NO argument.

But I also know NO goal.

I'm in sales. I'm a control freak. I'm getting stronger. You're asking me to place my faith in this program, these principles, a letter that you know to "work"...but how is that defined?

H married a woman who is easily manipulated. Uh huh. So much so, that I'm going to re-route my life & my kids' lives at the suggestion of someone on an internet message board. OK. But I don't know what I'm working toward...!??!?!?!? Anybody?

What is my goal???

Julie, I AM NOT TELLING YOU TO DO ANYTHING!

I explained to you the point of Plan B and you stated you wanted to do it. I am not going to resell it every other day when you get cold feet. It is not my job to try and persuade you to do something.

Just don't do it; its all the same to me.

To me too, since I don't get it.

My feet are far from cold. See, I believe in setting oneself up for success - not failure.

I don't know why we are fighting. I'm trying to get my ducks in a row.

All I did was ask a question. If you won't answer it, hopefully somebody will.

deleted for b*tchiness...

Sorry to be cranky, Julie, I guess this all stems from my own misunderstanding that you wanted to do Plan B. I thought you had read up and understood Plan B, hence your decision to go into Plan B. But it appears you have not even decided at all. I am just shocked that you would ask me that after 4 days of planning and discussion.

If you have not even decided to go into Plan B then there is no need for me to post about doing it. I would suggest reading the articles about Plan A and Plan B and the segment on Plan B in SAA. There is no point going into Plan B unless and until you understand what you are doing.

Hey Mel, stupid women, we tend to be.

Now that we've both cooled off...

Actually, I dug up my first post back this time around & re-read ALL the advice I got. I guess, since I can't find my SAA (and can't justify spending money on a new one, especially since once I do that it's sure to walk right over & sit on my lap) I feel lost - like I don't have the "manual" at my finger tips.

I think I'm NOT quite ready, but very, very near ready.

If I understand correctly, Plan B is SUPPOSED TO or sometimes DOES COMPLETELY cut off the addict and POTENTIALLY in turn make him look in the mirror and ULTIMATELY agree to sober up. And once he's COMPLETELY cut off, after he's done trying to contact me anyway, tells the kids/my mom some crazy off the wall stuff to tell me, has only beer & the same stupid, loser friends to turn to...he'll start THINKING. Mostly about his stupid a*s decision/choice & how it's not doing him any good after all.

I'm not so emotional anymore that I can't imagine him not being able to contact me.

I think my main concern before, when I was picking a fight with you, was that he'll laugh at the letter, because he obviously doesn't WANT contact with me anyway (or at least wants it to look that way)

Is this making any more sense to you?

Mel, I was in SUCH a fog when you posted that to me! You're right though, you posted some very lengthy stuff & advice & guidance, so I can see how it annoyed you for me to ask it again. I have a VERY bad memory, and like I said I was SO all over the place emotionally that it was hard to soak it all in OR actually see what was on my monitor thru the tears & fears!

I'm NOT ready for Plan B...not quite yet. But very close. I hope you'll still stick with me.

OK, and if I DON'T do a solid Plan B, by stating my boundaries and sharing with him again my hopes for our marriage as well as my EXPECTATIONS within it, he'll be cake-eating, fence-sitting. I will continue to feel like crap, with the highs & lows of "OH we had a good day" and "UGH he's STILL partying all the time & not holding up his end of the deal" and NONE of us will move forward.

I started reading when I stopped posting & asking questions/demanding answers. That helped!

I will give limited, calm, pleasant communication a try. NOT Plan A, but I'll give H a few doses of NICE, confident, not bitter or dying without him me...so he remembers, since tonight was the first time we've spoken since Fri 12/28. Then, I'll feel more confident & emotions will have continued to settle & I'll also feel like I'm doing this on MY terms. OK?

I ain't turnin' back, don't you worry 'bout that.