I am the offender. I don't even like calling it an affair because no emotions were involved--just sex. Infidelity seems more fitting to me. Unfortunately I was with 4 different men in a short period of time. I hated it all, I hated myself and I don't even know why I did it. I came clean to my DH just over 5 months ago. I was shocked but not to surprised by his response. He was angry/sad/confused but he said he loved me and wanted to stay together. This was great news to me because I never wanted to end our marriage. We talked and I gave him everything he wanted. I have been completely open with him since. The only person he talked to outside of me was our pastor and that was just one time. After a few months I thought we needed couseling, he thought we could just get through this together but agreed. The counseling has been good but I need it more than DH does. He seems to be doing fine but every once in a while he will have some difficulty, talk to me about it then he feels better and ready to keep moving forward. We both know things will never be the same but we both agree that our marriage is already stronger and better since (not because). Why am I having a harder time getting through this than DH? Is this normal? I mean I have NO desire to ever be with another man--the grass is NOT greener!! I don't ever want to hurt the man I love like I have ever again. And I don't ever want to hurt like I do now ever again. I beat myself up every day. I feel like I have committed the unpardnable sin (I know I haven't just feels like it). DH has forgiven me, God has fogiven me--why can't I forgive me?! I am always looking things up to find help but nothing fits what we are going through. Please help!!
THanks

Well fortunately it sounds to me like the infidelity was an aberation of character. Which is why you are feeling so bad for so long.

It does take a FWW a long time to forgive themselves.

Why 4 men? What is your explanation for that?

Welcome to MB.

I firmly believe that in the end, in the majority of situations, it's harder to be the WS than the BS.

It's only been 5 months and it appears you've just now found MB. Read up and apply the principles and things should improve for you (and your BH) with time. Many feel it takes two years to get to a pretty full and complete recovery. There really aren't shortcuts.

I hope by posting here you can find the answers you are seeking.

Are you a Christian or otherwise of faith??? You don't have to answer that if you don't want to it just seems it your current issues are more internal, almost spiritual in nature and some biblical perspective may assist you. There are individuals in here that can take you down that route should you desire.

Regardless...Dr. Harley's concepts of "just compensation" may be something of interest to you. Key word search it on the main website and/or in here.

Mr. Wondering

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be under the circumstances.

I would be very concerned about having sex (with no meaning, but how could there be any meaning?) with four different men. Glad you are getting some counseling.

How long have you been married? Was the marriage a good one?

Are there substance abuse problems? Sorry, but that is what comes to mind.

Thank you all for your replies and to answer your questions--Yes I am a believer have been for 31 years.
-I have been married for almost 20 yrs
-no I do not use any drugs or even drink very often for that matter (one-two drinks a year)
-I was a very premiscuos teen and preg. w/DD at age 16 then DS at 18 got married at 19 to my now DH
-as for 4 men, I got on a website and was chatting to lots and just lost control, I have had plenty of sex with no meaning because I was looking for love in all the wrong places
-marriage has been up and down, not the best, not been able to get DH to understand he needs to work in the relationship also

I would think that you having a harder time than your hubby would be a result of you being the one who committed the sin. Don't you think? Is it not a sense of remorse, repentance, sorrow, etc.?

Have you examined how/why you made the choices you made?

Yes, I agree with me being the one that committed the sin and that would make sense on why I am having such a hard time. As for why I made the choices I made--I have problems with depression and have been told I have borderline personality disorder (fits but hate to have that label). I have been told and believe that I probably did this as a self-destructive behavior and a way to sabotage anything good in my life. Before this I have had other self-destructive behaviors this has been the worse! Also I do know that before I did this I was hanging out with a girlfriend that is not a very good influence and made it easy for me to think poorly. No excuse I know. I have since let go of that relationship which DH is happy about. I did tell DH that sometimes God allows us to come to the end of ourselves before we come back to him--I believe that is what happened to me.

Hope you are getting treated for your BPD tendencies.

What are some of the things that don't make you happy in your marriage?

TL- I am also a new FWW on this board and I understand what you are going through right now. My DH is also on this board (want2stay). We came here a little over a month ago and started posting, as he had reached the end of his rope with me and was ready to divorce. He had tried everything to reach me. My A was a strong EA and short PA, and OM had been out of the picture completely for months, but I still felt I needed to be on my own. To be free (yuck).

Now I am starting to see that most of that HAD to be b/c fixing things with DH would mean dealing with ALOT of guilt. I am overwhelmed by it at times. We are just a few weeks into recovery now, and he says he feels 10-times better- "like a 1,000 lb weight has been lifted off his shoulders." I also feel relieved, and am amazed every day at his strength and his love for me and our family. I know we will be OK, but still I struggle every day. The damage I have caused to us is sickening to me. I don't even know who I was during that time. I can't look at myself most days.

I have found so much help on this board from people who have been on both sides of this issue and it has been a Godsend for us. I hope you can also find that here. All you and I can do as truly remorseful waywards, is work towards a better future than we ever thought possible with our BSs and try to forgive ourselves as our BSs have. I don't know how long that will take, but I have to believe that "this, too, shall pass."

Hang in there...maybe we can cheer each other on!

WOW LaLa you have come such a long way with this is such a short time. I'll try and get MrsK to look in on this thread as well. She also took a long time to be able to forgive herself.

Thanks BK! You're a peach! I would love to chat with her sometime.

It is good to hear other's stories and how their BS reacted. I just wish there didn't have to be a sight like this--we could all be good, ya know. I know that is not poss. but I hate seeing others suffer like I do. I feel our recovery process started on July 30th when I came clean w DH because that is when we started down a whole new path. My DH see's how much pain I am in and feels very bad for me. I feel I deserve to feel bad but he does know of all the emotional trauma I have dealt w all my life so he see's it differently. I agree w you on "I don't even know who I was during that time" that is exactly how I feel. I feel like it was someone else at some other time--it really feels very unreal to me that I even did that. I am getting help w the BPD. Finally found a great doc. to help with that. I know and so does DH that "this to shall pass"
Thanks

I hope some of our wonerful FWW's will post here. We have a bunch that can't be beat.

That's ok for a short time but don't get hung up on this. I have seen some of our FWW's (I am one BTW) who get stuck in this mode and find it hard to recover personally. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Now take that thought further and "I feel I deserve to feel bad because..."

I'm so glad you have a wonderful DH like I do. It makes such a huge difference. They are our heros, aren't they?! You and I are on the right path and I have so much hope for our marriages!

Yes LaLa we are very blessed to have wonderful hubbies. I love my DH it hurts me that I have hurt him so much. Because of him I do have hope for our future. Thanks for your encouragement!

This may sound strange but i wanted to say to you ladies that you FWW and FWH are my heros. You all are able to admit your fault and still want the love of your spouse in return. I know personally that i wish i had that from my WH. I wish nothing but the best for you both and your families. I am glad y'all see how fortunate you truely are.

I posted to you bella...hang in there girl. It took my stubborn [censored] almost a YEAR after NC to get there. No need to think it won't happen for you, too!!!

I'm a recently WH, and I can identify with a lot of what you are expressing. The nearly debilitating guilt and pain. For me, I remember when I first started my PA, after the first time, when I could have stopped, that guilt and feeling like I deserved to be miserable would keep me down.

After telling my wife and realizing the depth of the pain I was causing her, that same darkness started pressing in on me telling me to just run away and die - she'd be happier. But counseling with my church leader has helped me understand that we should take that pain and remorse and use it to transform ourselves into the people that we should be.

IMHO, if you just bask in the forgiveness of your DH, and don't do the work internally to fortify yourself against this kind of behavior in the future, you aren't going to be able to forgive yourself, and you aren't going to ever feel that peace that you seek, because in the back of your mind, you will still not be entirely confident that you won't do this to him again. That's just my personal take, not anything out of MB, but that mentality has really moved me forward in ways I didn't think possible.

I'm not where I need to be yet, and my DW still hasn't decided if we are going to move forward together or not, but every day either my wife, or another MB'er or God let's me see yet another place where I can improve not just my marriage, but myself as well.

Good luck to you on both your personal journey, and your journey to repair your marriage.