I read about exit affairs on another website.Do you think this is just an excuse the WH uses for having an affair?.My WH said as far as he was concerned our marriage was over in his mind before he started the affair.Any comments?

I do believe in such things as exit affairs.

I believe my XH may have had one but I'm not totally sure. He told me he'd lived with a 'slightly sick feeling in his stomach' the whole time we were married 'knowing he'd made a mistake'.

It's been 2 years since D-day, we've been divorced 6 months and his affair ended a few weeks after our divorce. He's never made one attempt to come back.

I don't believe the majority of affairs are exits by any stretch of the imagination. I believe they are the minority, but I do believe in them.

Time will tell. And really analysing your relationship from the beginning may hold some clues. There were definately indicators that my X wasn't as invested in our relationship as I was - right from the start.

That's a fairly common WS babble line. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Are exit affairs real? Yes. But not as often as the WS would like the BS to believe.

So here's my take on the line I got from my then WS:

WS: Our M was over b4 the A.

Orchid: Really? Then why didn't you tell me? Why did you wait to have an A to tell me? How rude is that?

It left him baffled. He couldn't respond. One of my earliest RB experiences. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

NOTE: The RB just came out. At that time I wasn't versed in RB but maybe my need to protect just made it come out. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


IMHO, an affair is an affair. To add the word exit is a way to justify it but there is no justification to having an A even if the BS is abusive.

JMHO,
L.

Just been reading some of your story. Have you been married over 15 years? In that case I wouldn't call your WH's an exit affair. I could be wrong about exit affairs, but I would assume they would happen early on in a marriage (my XH affair began after only 3 years of marriage).

We have been married 21yrs together 26yrs.WH has been living with OP for 1yr,says I WILL be getting D papers soon.I know
for a fact that he has gone to a lawyer.

Whats your take on EXIT AFFAIRS?


They should be exited from immediately or not entered into if one is "thinking about one."

My experience is that they don't make a lick of difference from any other affair. Most affairs happen anyway because the WS is emotionally divorced from the marriage. The recovery tactics are all the same.

****** edit ******

I agree with what you wrote. I think there are different types of affairs, that they are all incredibly devastating and that the recovery tactics are the same.

IMO, the difference comes with regard to the type of affair, on *how long it takes for the tactics to work and how successful they will be.*

Frank Pittman writes about affairs types being a continuum based on the level of emotional commitment. From one night stands and serial flings, through romantic (gag) emotionally invested affairs, through to long time affairs lasting years.

LTAs are most likely going to take longer and be harder to disrupt.

I agree with Melody. When you read about "exit" affairs, they all talk about the same babble the typical WS spouts - love you, but not in love with you, the marriage was a mistake, been unhappy for years, blah, blah, blah.......

Calling it an exit affair is just another excuse. The WS is saying that he was going to divorce anyway. The same thing they all say.

hopenpray, just know that we have recoveries here that were called "exit affairs" that recovered just as well as any other affair. So, don't even worry about that for a minute.

In Just a couple words WHAT is an exit affair? Is it like a GETTING eaven affair? you know YOU DID IT , SO I am too

Some say that there are exit affairs where one partner has been unhappy for years, but is a conflict avoider. Instead of getting divorced, they have an affair, let the other partner find out, and VOILA, problem solved.

But for me, it is just the same thing most adulterors spout.

looks like the cowards way OUT!- ERRrrr just one of them
0403 <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />

EXACTLY.

There are some different varieties of adultery, different names, and a variety of scenarios.

But much more important than the differences between different types of adulteries, are how stunningly similar most adulteries are to each other.

IMHO part of the appeal of labeling some adulteries as 'exit affairs' is that in the mind of the adulterers, and some misguided counselors even, that somehow justifies the adultery with the pretense that a divorce was inevitable.

Even here at MB's we recently had a poster insisting that a BH should move out of his home if it was an 'exit affair'. There is this assumption that if it's an 'exit affair' then it not only won't be effective for the BS to try to save the marriage, but that it is somehow inapporpriate for the BS to do so!

So OF COURSE, it appeals to a WS and the OP to claim the marriafe was dead and it's and exit affair! Those justificatiosn for adultery are so popularly employed for a reason after all - because they provide a way for the adulterers to pretend that the adultery/divorce are not merely acceptable but also inevitable! Talk about your perfect justification!

But since almost ALL WS's insist that their marriage was already 'dead', and ALL WS's claim that the adultery and OP had nothing to do with the destruction of the marriage, I frankly don't see why anyone with knowledge of the common rationalizations adulterers use would buy the 'exit affair' excuse. Especially since most adulteries do eventually end AND often the former WS then admits they could/should have saved their marriage. If exit affairs NEVER resulted in restored marriages, then maybe the exit affair label/excuse would make some sense.

It's sad to think how many marriage counselors advise or encourage couples to divorce just because they mistakenly think some of the most employed excuses for adultery are valid reasons to determine the marriage can't possibly be saved!

Exit affairs are cowardly.

In truith, I think they are extremely rare.

Thanks for all the input I'm having a "feeling down day" today .I can't help thinking that WH and OP are happy and in love!WH said he wants to read about MB so I have printed out Basic Concepts etc.. for him to read.DD17 has been with his dad since New Year and is coming home tomorrow.I spoke to him last night and told him about WH interest in MB, he got annoyed and said "they seem very happy together!!"

WH doesn't make sense,he says I'm getting D papers and a few days later says "ok,I'd like to look at MB site".A day later I was on the phone to WH and asked him if he still wanted the notes I'd printed and he said yes.

Is he doing this just to please me or what???

Sweetie....nobody can understand or predict the chemically altered alien brain of a actively wayward spouse. I'm sure they DO seem happy....most people in fantasy worlds do. People high on drugs look really happy too until the world comes crashing back down around them. Scientists who photograph the brain say this stage of affairs mirrors mental illness.....think of it as temporary insanity. But the reason that Dr.H gives Plan B two years....is because the chemistry peaks at about 6 months and wears off at around 18 to 24 months. So if you still love him....hang a little longer. In the meantime....let's talk about things that will make your life happier. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

hopenpray, I am so sorry that you are going through this. WS saying "Our marriage is dead and I have been unhappy for years" is what people here call fog babble. You can also call it rewriting of history or justification.

Unfortunately it seems like your WH have been able to convince your son about this. I think that you should trust your own perception of your marriage instead. Were you both committed to the marriage? Have you been happy together? Do you think that your marriage is worth saving?

I have learned a lot from MB and one is that your husband fell in love with you because you were meeting his emotional needs. Do you know what his EN are? Did you meet them when the affair started? If not, have you started to meet them now, as a part of plan A?

When I read your last post I get a feeling that your WH is cake eating. If he really would want to file for divorce he would have done it already. I hope that someone more experienced than me can reply to you. But I think that you should do plan A and plan B, I am not sure for how long though.

IMHO (in my humble opinion), Y