since the wife left me I have been dating like a mad man. And am getting good at it. And i have a girlfriend that is pretty as a model so sometimes I do rub it in to the soon to be ex. Some of the dates were mind boggling in good ways however some in bad ways. Wow. I feel like highschool again.

How long ago did your wife leave you? How long were you married?

Is it this one?:


If so, I don't see why your ex would be jealous of your "pretty as a model" GF with issues. Not that trying to rub a new GF into an ex's face is the picture of health either.

AGG

Steve?

So you're still legally married but dating?

Jo

How long have you been married?

How long ago did your wife leave you?

Why reason(s) did your wife state for leaving you?

How long after your wife left you did you wait to start dating?

If whatever problem(s) that caused you and your wife to split up were resolved, would you be at all interested in reconciliation with your wife? (let's say on a scale of 1-10 with 1 being the least interested)

Are you, or have you been, in any counseling regarding the reason/problem(s) related to why your wife left? If so, for how long and what has the counselor been advising you to do?

Are you, or have you been, in any counseling regarding your feelings over your wife leaving you? If so, for how long and what has the counselor been advising you to do?

How many women have you dated since your wife left you?

How many men has your wife dated since leaving you?

Do you and your wife have any children together? If so how are they coping with all this?

What part of dating are you getting good at? It sounds to me that you are out to prove something... perhaps rebounding?

First off thanks all for replying. was married 16 yeARS together 19. she left in july and later told me she had a boyfriend online which i suspected all along. i was loyal to her the whle time. she tells me she cries and it's hard to see me and that the new girlfriend upsets her. i rub it in cause she left me and as far as healthy my opinion any spouse that was left by the other would try to make them jealous and i know i'm not healthy or i wouln't be here. I tried to patch things for 6 months before she left and went to counseling but her mind was made up. I dated soon as she moved out cause i tried to stop her and i was so depressed i didn't know if i would make it. and i met a very nice girl a month later who has the same issues i had. so i don't want to leave her when i was there and been that way and i want to help her because i see p[otential. I signed divorce like she asked so even though it didn't go through yet we both signed and i didn't want to so i'm dating.

I have no way of knowing her dating habbits but she says she isn't. I date around 6 women since she left in july but inseptaember I met a girl and only am dating her since.
Would I go back with the wife. Before i would of said yes but now it would take major major convincing on her part and many new understanding for me to do it again. On a scale of 1 to 10 as now with no convincing or understanding a 2 maybe 10 being the best number i could give. if she convonced me i would try dating her again but would be leary but i did vow to spend life with her. No kids. I feel even though she's upset about the split she doesn't want me back anyway. I had many flaws. Left a lot of chores on her shoulders and forgot aniversaries. Also argue and said mean things but both us did that. I didn't want it to be over just had to accept it over time.Didn't go to marriage counseling long because she left but just started my own counseling.

What part of dating am I getting good at? I would say once on a date I make a good impression and am always asked on a second date. When I was married I thought I was ugly and no girls would date me then when she left I got my confidence back.

My wife pulled the "no woman would ever want you" stunt with me too, the day she dropped me off on the side of the road.

My divorce has dragged on for a year and I haven't even spoken to my wife a single time. I don't miss her at all.

I'm dating also.

However the thing that really gets her the most is my new job that effectively tripled what I was making back there.

I can now give the lifestyle she thought she deserved to some other woman.

So are you asking for help or are you offering to share dating advise? Why do you feel your confidence has returned? Is it because of the dating, or is dating working out BECAUSE your confidence has returned?

Steve,

I mean this with the utmost sincerety... you are rebounding big time. You are using your dates to validate yourself as a partner. You are proving to yourself that you aren't worthless and can get a date.

I know because I felt the same way when my X left. I felt so fricken worthless it was unbelievable!

If you were together for 19 years, and she left in July, you have LOTS of healing to do my friend. Rule of thumb is one year of healing for every 5 married.

Rebound relationships almost always fail and it is very painful when they do fail. You don't want to experience that pain nor do you want to inflict it on someone.

What have you done to learn how to be alone? Any new hobbies? Exercise? Gone to any good movies totally on your own? Fix up your home or apartment?

I don't mean this post to be harsh, but I do know what I am talking about on this.

Keith

pariah,
That's great you got the new job. Yes I'm not perfect but the constant degrading and putting down and comparing me to her father did make me feel low and worthless. My wife still don't think she has issues but she was an abused child and has many. But I take 50% of the blame on it failing.

I'm doing many things. I'm asking for help. I'm updating a situation that was very bad. I'm sharing my experience. And I'm reading everything you guys say very carefully and pondering it. The dating got better as my confidence did and the confidence got better as the dates got better looking. Not that that is important to me but it helps.

Yes it could be rebounding. But before I was married I dated all the time so I might of just went to how I was. But for me to offer full commitment to this last girl might of been rebound. I finally told her she has issues and she didn't take it well to say the least but after 4 months of being afraid to tell her she wrong I have and feel better about telling the truth especially all the times I stayed quiet while she accused me of things not even [color:"green"] [/color] possible but I wanted to help her so I stayed with her this long. But now it's over. I tried.

Your telling me I have to heal for 3 or 4 years? My god. I hope not. I don't feel bad like i did before she left and right after. I am trying to get back into working out. LOst 40lbs of muscle during this divorce and separation. Also I got out the clay for sculpting too. BUt for the last 4 months I was pretty much everyday with my girlfriend who just became ex girlfriend. It is hard but it was a no win situation for me. But now I plan to be single and workout and do art and spend time alone and with my dogs. I will make friends and date but no relationships I think. Who can tell the future though. Also I am thinking of relocating to the other side of the coutry. What do you guys think. Do I sound like I'm thinking right or still have a long way to go? I really don't want to hear if you have to ask that question theres the answer. Thanks

I can understand how you feel that the healing process seems daunting when people measure it in years. We are not getting any younger - can it be true that 3, 4 or even 5 more years will pass before we feel normal again?

You remind me a lot of me. I got involved in a rebound relationship way too soon. It lasted about as long as yours (4 months). It was very intense and ultimately very painful at the end. I'd read all the warnings here about it yet I proceded anyway. After it was over, I realized that I had not "healed" as I thought I had, but simply postponed much of it. I still had a number of intense pains and fears from the loss of my M. But not all of them - I had managed to resolve a few so while I'm still a mess, I'm not the train wreck I was right after the separation. I'm also able to categorize a lot of my issues, whereas before there were just too many and it was impossible to focus on any one thing. So I have moved forward and I did enjoy 4 months without pain (I just experienced all 4 months worth on one single day).

I don't think there is a magic bullet answer. What worked best for me is to take things one day at a time. This is easier said than done, but when I'm successful at it, life isn't so bad. Try to stay in the present rather than focusing on the future. That's difficult for me, I've always been a goal-oriented person. But all of my hopes, dreams and goals were destroyed the day WSTBX asked for a D. I'm not capable of formulating new ones yet. Rather than wallow in the frustration and sorrow of not having any, it is better to live in the moment - deal with "now".

I realize this response is a bit rambley - I hope there's something useful in here.

I know I rebounded big time......for the same sanity issues. I knew for a fact my EX had a boyfriend just a few weeks after we separated. Im sure it was her affair partner long before I moved out. My self esteem was at rock bottom.......I rebounded after I found out my EX brought OM around my kids (dinner) and into our home. I dated like mad......I must have gone out with 10 women in 3 mo. time. It was wrong, I know it, but its what made me feel better about myself and allowed me to keep my sanity. I actually ended up marrying one of my dates (about 4mo. after my separation is when I met her). My EX brought me divorce papers......I signed. She waited on OM for years....they finally split after almost 5yrs of him promising to leave his wife. He never did. My wife and I have been married for almost 5yrs now.......together for 6.

She just sent me a text on my phone saying "I love you"

I love her tremendously.

I havent been on here in a while but plan to do do more. Glad you got the new job.

Tabby,
How you doing now?

so for you dating was worth it cause you got remarried out of it. So I dont think it was wrong. Did your ex stay single now? She left you for OM and now you have someone and she dont. I bet she regrets it now. Is your second marriage better than the first?

I havent been on but I got back with that gf I had for about 3 more months. She was trying harder but she is at least bi polar and getting no help so the amount of stress she put on me wasnt worth it. I date now. I told my ex wife i still loved her in an email and the first time since july she said it back but i think she was being nice because she wanted me to sign something. Who knows. She said she dont want to see or date me cause it's too hard. But in the last 5 weeks been with 4 women counting ex gf. I date online and from going out. If I would of found this site years before I could of saved marriage. But at least I am not repeating behaviors with new women.