I know there aren't as many here on the weekends but I am hoping that some are here to help with this!

At the begining of the week I came to the realization that after 2 yrs since last dday I had not really coped with what had happened. I realized because of not coping with it led to the deterriating (sp) of my feelings. It became clear to me that while I love my WH I am not IN LOVE with him.

I told him what I was feeling and said I didn't know if I could ever get that feeling back. We were up very late that night talking and he begged me not to leave and he asked if we could try the MB. I said I would give this MB an honest try.

I am currently rereading SAA. I read it right after the dday and apparently with all the emotion and depression I was feeling didn't really get it. Plus, WH didn't think it would help.

This leads me to my problem. Very early on in the book Dr. Harley explains ONS's in the affair continuum. Just after that he starts explaining about how affairs start because of EN's not being met.

My problem is that if I understand this correctly what he is saying is that by meeting each other's EN's we will have a happy satisfying romantic love for each other. But it also my understanding that when EN's aren't being met then that can lead to getting them filled by someone else.

My WH is away at many times, from weeks to months for military training, schools, deployments, etc.

If while at home we are meeting each other's EN's then we can reach that level of love again. HOW WILL THAT PROTECT US WHEN HE IS GONE AND WE ARE NOT ABLE TO MEET EACH OTHER'S EN'S????

His ONS's and brief PA happened while away. How can I give this an honest try if the way I understand it really has no hope of working?

Any thoughts and advice will be greatly appreciated. I need it!!!!!!

Hi confused,


It's been my observation that many marriages survive infidelity....only to fail to truly recover, and that's because the conditions that created the vulnerability has not been addressed. Sometimes people get "stuck" in bad habits that destroy love. MB is all about developing new habits that will build love: care, protection, honesty and time.


I sure know that feeling. I felt the same way. I think almost everybody...on either side of infidelity wonders if they can ever really love their spouse again. I've seen lots of evidence that they can....really and truly find the love that brought them together....IF....they commit to taking the steps that build rather than destroy love. Recovery requires a recovery plan.


Good for you chere....you've made a wise choice. I would like to suggest an MB weekend....it was so helpful for my H and I. It was vitally important that we were working from the same place and were communicating in the same language.

I am currently rereading SAA. I read it right after the dday and apparently with all the emotion and depression I was feeling didn't really get it. Plus, WH didn't think it would help.

Your H is saying now that he's willing to try this MB thing out....jump on that with both feet! Call the Harleys or book a weekend.


Well.....it's more like lack of need meeting creates a void that leaves marriages more vulnerable. But ENs aside....we're all wired for affairs and the risk just goes up when other problems present themselves.


See....THIS is the problem. It's not that you're "unwilling"....you're "unable" because he's away so much. I had the same problem. I was willing, but my H had to travel alot....and had too many opportunities. The separations created great vulnerability. Part of our recovery included a job change for my husband. It took a while to accomplish....but we did and it and it's made an enormous difference.


Sadly....it won't. Being apart drains the love bank. There are certainly strategies that can help....but ultimately....too much separation makes being married harder and harder.


Well....I'll tell you what myself and others in your shoes have done. Some wives arrange to travel with their husbands....with kids that's hard. Some have strategies to remain in touch....email, phone, and other ways that promote honesty and accountability. But I am a firm believer that these are stop-gap efforts and long term, there needs to be a plan that ensures spouses don't spend too much time apart. My H is in the oilfield....yours the military....and separation is a big element of both. What are y'all's plans for the future....is there anyway to speed up the time that these separations will end?

Thank you Starfish for replying. I just don't know what to do.

We can't afford a MB weekend or the phone consults.

To answer your question...no, there is no way to speed up the time and it being military training, I can't go with him.

He is leaving on Wed 1/9 for 10 days. Will be home for about 2 weeks then is gone again for 3 weeks. He will be home for about a month when he then leaves again for 2 months. That just gets us to the end of May.

From there I don't know yet except they are set to deploy January 2009.

He can't get out, he's already career. He still has another 7 years before he can request retirement.

confused,


You're in a tough spot. And it's a decision that only you can make. Your situation is not hopeless....obviously there are miltary families all over the world that manage to stay together despite the odds....but whether both you and your husband are prepared to battle the challenges....only y'all can decide.



I understand. Well, aside from all the free information available on the home site....I found the books, tapes, questionaires...very helpful. You'll definitely need "Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs Her Needs" would be helpful too. You can download the questionaires.


Yeah, I was afraid of that.


When my husband was an engineer in the field, he had schedules just like that. My story is not too different....H had two sexual encounters...both while out of town. His job made this so likely to happen again....it became intolerable. So one of my conditions for reconciliation the second time....was a job change. You don't have that option. So you'll have to decide if you're prepared to put yourself at risk again. And I know that's scary.


Doesn't the military have marriage counseling available? Yikes.


ouch. Examine your head, your heart and make a decision about what you want to do. Once you decide....then accept the risks that accompany those decisions. There is no doubt with long separations, lonliness, resentment etc....that one or both of you will be vulnerable. Try to brainstorm some ideas to deal with temptation. Prayer, projects, communication schedules, phone sex (with each other of course)....find as many ways to stay connected and stay strong. What you lack in time, you'll have to do your best to make up for in quality.

Good luck

confusedwife...

Here's the flip side....
while some military marriages do suffer with seperation...
for each one of those...there are those that committ to making it work...

so obviously it can be done...
and in this day and age of greater technology...the ability to have contact is better than ever...even with military restrictions it's better than WWII snail mail

find those women to support you who have traveled the same path...
seek their counsel

make a plan with your husband...
have him join/start a support group through the new life live creators who are huge supporters of the marriage builders program recomending marriage builders all the time and have you husband engage in mens support group and every soldiers battle....

you have a FORMER WS blessed blessed are you and a willing man begging you not to give up on him..

crawl in to your husbands heart...and let him in to yours so that every action and interaction both of you are each others minds....

affairs are vile acts...and former ws get that fact.....

ark^^

When I started posting I kept starting new threads then read that I should continue with one thread and just change the subject.

I'm not going to repost the history, I think it's in my signature. It's been a while since I last posted only because for me personally I felt like coming here and reading kept me in a stand by mode. I did alot better not staying in that mode.

However, I am now back in it!!!

WH left Tuesday night for 2 months. Had a 24 hr layover in Germany. During that layover, he didn't have time to call or send me a quick email to say he had landed and waiting to take off again. He did however have time to chat for a couple of hours.

I bought and installed eblaster before he left. I couldn't believe it. He had not once done anything while here at home for the last 6 weeks, but away from me for 13 hours and he's online again.

I AM DONE!!! He won't be back until June. I went to legal today but have to go back tomorrow to make an appointment for some time next week.

He's active army and we live on post. Our boys are doing so well in school. They love their friends. If I leave then we go back to Texas to stay with my parents. The schools in that area are not as good.

I am trying to figure out what to do. Housing said I would have to be the one to leave for us to keep the house and be able to keep the kids in the school. If when he gets home I ask him to leave and housing finds out, I will lose housing. I can't afford to live off post right now. Also, does anyone know if I would lose health insurance on me if we legally separate?

I need help. My WH obviously has a problem and will not admit it. He's going to have to hit rock bottom to realize this and his rock bottom is losing his family. I can't emotionally, mentally take this anymore. I have lost total and complete respect and love for him now.

Any advice would be GREATLY appreciated!!

Sorry so long, I probably rambled and didn't make much sense. I have been on such a roller coaster as most of you probably know oh so well.

sorry - just bumping to see if someone could help.

Thanks

I think I would be getting my Plan B ready. I'd write up a Plan B letter and send it.

Sounds like hubby really doesn't "get it".

And I wouldn't make plans to move just yet.

Thanks Believer!!

I was thinking about plan B. I understand now that he has a problem and will not change unless he admits it and gets some sort of counseling and being totally honest.

For me I have to do what is best for me and our kids. He won't be home for about 6 weeks, so I have plenty of time to work on the letter and figure out exactly what I want to do.

I have very little love left for him and absolutely NO respect!

I would have thought that after him seeing me so emotionally wrecked in December after just looking at porn online that he would have thought twice before even chatting. As one of the comprimises (not sure if that's what it is), I told him that I understand that some men are wired a little different in needing the visual, that I told him when he gets the feeling to get online to talk to me. If it's while he's at home then say something to me. We can figure something out. I told him if he was away, call me, I wouldn't care if it was 3 am, I would rather that than him getting online.

This was the first time I used eblaster and all I can think is, how many more times has he done this while away.

I am at the point where I think plan b is just going to be a time frame for the boys and him to get used to the idea of what it's going to be like. I don't feel like the damage is reversable this time. It's happened too many times.

I talked to his mom last night and told her everything, she only knew about the PA and 1 ONS. She had no idea about his online stuff. She actually told me that if I told him before that I would leave then that's exactly what I should do. She said she wouldn't put up with this.

I have 6 weeks so any advice on how to handle it when he comes home that's what I need.

Thank you!

I am posting again hoping to get some advice. Things changed for me again last night.

My husband called yesterday and I just couldn't act like everything was ok. I just can't do that anymore. I got to my computer and put in the screen name and asked for the password to his yahoo account. He tried to give me the one I already know about. I said no the other one. He then proceded to tell me that he didn't know what I was talking about. Even when I said his screen name. He was trying to make me question what I already knew was true. I finally told him that he had about 5 seconds to tell me the f***** password or I would hang up and he wouldn't talk to me again.

He gave me the password and hung up on me! I entered the account and there was nothing in it. No emails or anything. I was starting to calm down a little. I did send him at that point, to his regular account, my plan b letter. I will be honest, it wasn't a perfect plan b letter, but it did say what it needed to plus a little of what I was feeling at the moment.

I then changed the password. As I did that I noticed that there was an alternate email listed. I couldn't believe it. It's a hotmail account. I went to hotmail and tried to sign in with the same password. And it signed me in. I was shocked. I had no clue that there was another email.

I went immediately to change that password. With hotmail, when you go to my account, it tells you when the account was created. This one was set up Aug 22, 2006. That is just 5 days after arriving in Iraq. I had only heard from him 3 times before that account was set up.

He has accessed that account somehow recently. He's been home from Iraq for a year now. Only 1% of the allowed 5mb was used. You would think that if he hasn't accessed it in that time then there would be a butt load of emails (junk or otherwise) right? The earliest email was Apr 7th. How is that possible unless he accessed it recently and deleted stuff? However there were plenty of contacts in it.

I have asked him many times if he had chatted or anything while deployed and every time he said no. I sent him an email from that account saying "surprise, bet you thought I wouldn't find this account" and to call me regardless of what I had said earlier. He hasn't read that one yet.

I have so many questions for him now. I also now believe, for the first time that he's probably never ever stopped through the years. And I believe even more so now that there have been more than 3 women that he's actually had sex with.

I don't think that even plan b will work now. My love for him is almost completely gone now. I am still going to go ahead with the plan. I am doing it for me not to try and get him back. Right now I don't want him back. I can't take this anymore. I have an appt this morning to get back on AD's and some ambien. I can't sleep anymore and going on 3 hrs a night is really taking it's toll.

Thanks for listening and any help as always is greatly appreciated. Sorry this was so long, I tend to go on and on.

I have nothing to add, but I wanted to say good luck.