Is it okay to post on the forums if you are not married to wayward other, just lived together for 6 yrs.?

Yes, welcome.

My story goes like this,I found out about the A for sure by snooping into emails using keylogger because I was suspicious about his staying out at night and not answering cellphone, claiming he was at the bar and cellphone had no reception there. Haha. Anyway, on 7/26/07 I approached him with all my evidence and of course he denied it, even when I showed him the emails they had sent each other. I told him to leave and he did...went straight to her. He has been living with her and her two kids 16 and 20 and everyone else she wants to come stay at her place every since. For the first couple of months, I was in my own fog, being there for him and then being cold and telling him to just leave me alone so I could live my life which I had none because I had let my world revolve around him pretty much.With him life was just fine, he was king of the world, seeing me when he wanted to and living with her. He would come out with some babble about how things were so different there and he wished he was back home, but, it was babble. I decided in Oct to do plan A on him and I became very supportive and answered all his cellphone calls, he called me nearly every day. He started telling me things about his life there and how disgusting she is...he even called her a fat b<-t+h. I got fed up the first of the year and decided to go plan B. I had my door open to him for months and his only reply to if it is so bad over there, why don't you come home was...you just don't understand. So, long story short, last night 2:00am, I told him I was moving on, he said that was not fair..to him, I guess not! He called me back and left voice message since I didn't answer saying I was kicking him while he is down.He works odd jobs here and there and work is slow right now, so he is broke a lot, but, OW loans him money for his alcohol and w**d habit, on top of that, he is in and out of the emergency room trying to deal with a recurring bacterial infection..down there. That's where he was last night, he just called to let me know what was going on. He always sounds so stress out and sad, oh well, he wanted to be with OW.

Welcome to the forum where no one would really want to be. Do the two of you have children together? Are you familiar with Plan B?

We have no kids together. Thank G-d for that, he can't even take care of himself. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I have read plan B and I do feel it is time..I am so tired of listening to his babble and poor me chatter..It has gotten old. I must admit, I have been hovering here on MB for a while.

Have you seen some examples of a Plan B letter and do you have someone who can act as your intermediary?

I'm wondering what it is about him that you want?

Sounds like he has an alcohol and pot habit, doesn't work a lot, and isn't treating you well.

Couldn't you look around for someone who will treat you like you deserve to be treated?

What do your children think of him?

jikkler,
Welcome.

IMHO I would first search your soul to find out if this is the man who you want to spend the rest of your life with. Being that you are not M, the legal aspects of terminating this R are minimal if not nonexistent. I know your investment in time with him and of course your feelings for him come into play. However, you do have other options that I'm sure you have considered.

If you have made a decision to try to save this R, we can try to help.

Obviously, he still has feelings for you and you are meeting some of his ENs. He is a cake eater and at this point you have been enabling this (hard not to sometimes in this scenerio). Have you read about plan A and B?

If you feel you've done a good plan A already, then maybe you should go into PLan B real soon. This means sending him a letter that states your intentions. You love him, but can't be in a three person R. If he is willing to leave OW and never see her again, you will work on the R to make it better than ever before. But he has to end the A and go NC with OW forever.

Recovery is extremely difficult, at best, when you are trying to save a M, where vows were taken and you are legally bound. After going through it myself, I don't think I would stay with a WBF. But I should never say never.

Do you really want THIS MAN in your life?

Would she even need one?

jikkler,

I know you love this guy and you wouldn't be here if you weren't looking for a way to save this relationship....but I need to ask you to take a look at the story you just told....and put yourself in my seat. What would would you say? It's not just that you aren't married....that's the least of it. It's not that you don't have kids, or you're dealing with infidelity. This man is jobless, broke, living off a disgusting OW for alcohol and week, has an infection "down there" that won't clear up. It would be irresponsible of me not to at least try to get you to consider the idea that you might be better off without your ex. I'm sure he has some good qualities, but why not stay in your Plan B and get some individual counseling to explore why you'd want someone this destructive in your life. Please understand that my best advice is to rebuild your life around a healthier relationship....first, with yourself.

Blessings to you.

believer, At this point, if someone came along that would treat me better and be more of a man to me, I would give it a go...slowly. I do agree that I deserve to be treated better and that I do deserve someone who is not on alcohol and w**d. But, we can't choose who we fall in love with now can we?
MicheleG, yes, that is why I am here. I am not a quitter and I feel that with counseling,drug treatment and some strong antibiotics, this R can work. I feel that we all deserve to be with the ones we love, sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't...I am willing to do what it takes to see which way it goes for me.

I happen to believe that you can love someone, but not necessarily have them close in your life. And sometimes it is better to quit. Ahead is counseling, dealing with the affair, the alcohol and his lack of a good job.

But of course, we are here to support you if you are absolutely determined.

jikkler,

Pretend I'm your 27 year old daughter and I've come to you with the situation you've described. Even if she was in love, wouldn't you want her to at least explore her other options and perhaps take a look at her willingness to settle for so little? We don't choose who we fall in love with....but we do choose who we spend our life with. He's got addiction....but I'm wondering if you're addicted to him.

If she chooses to pursue the relationship and goes into a Plan B, then unless she wants to totally cut him off with no option to ever contact her or to not really be in Plan B, then there needs to be someone to be the buffer between her and him in case he chooses to comply with her Plan B conditions to re-establish the relationship.

That is my understanding of Plan B.

Have you thought about how to treat yourself better? Does that make sense? Do you feel that you are a complete and whole person within yourself, or do you feel that you need a relationship in order to feel complete?

Do I really need a plan B letter? I don't want her reading it. Do I? What are some ideas on how to treat myself better at this point? I exercise, go out with friends, read and have a pretty good social life already. What else do I need to do? Guidance needed.
believer, I am determined.

We most certainly can!

That mentality - that you have absolutely no choice or control over your circumstances leads me to believe that is why you are in this mess! You aren't powerless at all!



Wouldn't being ALONE be a better option that enabling an alcoholic/addict and a man who is looking for a sugar mama to support him while he does as he pleases, regardless of who it hurts?



I never would have thought a poetic statement could include the word "antibiotics". Is this for real???

If someone you were in a relationship with suggested that you hack your left arm off with an axe, would you tell that person that you are not a quitter and comply with their request?

There is a vast difference between being a "quitter" and making a wise choice for yourself.




You HAVE seen which way this goes for you.

Ok, so everyone agrees that I should just give him up? So be it..obviously you guys have way more experience at this resolving relationship business than I do. What more can I say? I guess you all have made it clear, he's not worth it.
Thanks for all of your input, you have opened my eyes to the fact that sometimes it is better to love someone from afar and much safer for my sanity and health also.

I think folks are actually asking you to consider what *you* are worth. To consider what *you* are seeking for yourself.
To not sell *yourself* short.

It's not a matter of saying "he's not worth it". I know I'm saying that right now he is making some really bad choices and he is being confronted with some of the consequences of those bad choices.

Sometimes you have to love people from a distance. If you're there to clean up behind and compensate for his bad choices - then that cripples him. Do you see what I mean? He cannot develop the strength and integrity that would be a whole man, if you compensate and cover for his failings and fallings.

Do you see the difference between judging him as "not worthy" and instead saying he's "not ready"?