Many times I sit down and ask my WH the questions I need/expect to be answered. I think I hit everything I could possibly want to know...but then a couple days later another whole list comes to mind.

He is hating my continuing to "bring it up". He states he hates having to "relive" the worst mistake of his life. Do you think that is true? Is this the "remorse" and "guilt" a WS will feel that the articles speak of here at MB?

Thanks.

RU, some people recommend that the BS take time and write down every question they want to have answered. Sit on it for a few days and add or change questions as you think about what you really want to know.



Perhaps, but not necessarily.

One way to think of it is that while he may be "reliving it" when you want to talk about it, you at this time ARE living it in the now. Most people don't want to hear about their sins and shortcomings, so not wanting to talk about it again isn't necessarily because he is feeling guilt and remorse. It could be irritation and frustration.

Have you see a copy of "Joseph's Letter"? If you haven't, let me know and I'll track down a copy for you. It is an explanation from a BS's perspective of why the BS needs to talk about the infidelity that might help your hubby understand what you are going through at this time.

Not to sound harsh, but "Awww, poor baby, having to relive the worst mistake" HUH?

My H "got it" when he realized that the only way I could heal from HIS mistake was to have ALL of my questions answered. Trust me, he hated it too...but he took the brunt of it and manned-up and answered them - even repeated ones.

Funny, once I knew he was open to answering, not holding back and not "rolling his eyes" at all my questions...the questions petered out eventaully.

When I felt he was willing to not only "put up" with my pain and grief and agony, but HOLD IT for me, the need for it dissapated.

The Remorse and guilt he felt was HIS. Once he realized he needed to attend to the pain and betrayal he bilaterally levied on ME - I felt more apt to help him with his feelings (that he wrought on himself)

After I healed for a bit I was stronger to help him. I imagined the pain he felt. I cried some nights for HIM. It a terrible thing to realize your own actions put you and your spouse in that pain.

No, you dont run out of questions...but if you are lucky and your FWS WILL help you, answer them and be with you in your pain, then questions that arise later (much later - sometimes YEARS later) don't matter. You'll come to apoint were one might arise and you'll think "We are so far PAST that it doesnt even matter now"

I hope you get to the place that I am now, with the help of your FW.

Yes, I saw it posted on a thread just yesterday. I read it and found it to be very inspiring. I think that is what gave me the strength to actually ask all the questions I needed answers to today.

I'm thinking any additional questions I will save for during MC, so I don't get the defensive response.

Thank you.

Thank you for your reply.

One thing I plan to do from now on is make a list...keep them all written down (if I think of any more)...and tell him I need to talk. Then set a time. How I've been doing it is just asking whenever, wherever...and that doesn't seem to be working too well.

Another question for those here:
When you ask questions and get answers...don't we have to "trust" the answers? Seems kind of out there, as the WS has already proven he/she can lie pretty well. I know I'm having a hard time with this...why trust the answers they give?

Guess this is all part of the faith part of recovery...having faith the WS wants and needs the marriage, too.

RU, some folks have suggested to have a time limit for this type of conversation - for instance making it for 20 minutes at a time (for ex.) so that both of you know there is an end in site for each convo as you work your way through it.

I don't recall hearing how that might have worked for those who tried it. I can see the benefit of it in that the WS might be less likely to avoid it harder in the fear that once the discussion starts that it will go on for hours.

Hi RU.....

I totally agree with everything that has been said here. I could have written this myself....



I hope I can get to that place.

As far as the questions go, I seem to have new questions that pop up just as I thought I had them all answered as well. I seem to have new revelations which present new questions. All a part of the healing process, imo.




It is nearly impossible to trust everything they say because they have been proven untrustworthy already. There is only one instance I know of on this board where the FWS was actually honest about the affair, during the affair.

Most WSs lie during the affair, and unfortunately SOME will lie after the affair as well, to protect them from more consequences.

If you "feel" you can trust what your H is saying, AND HIS STORY NEVER CHANGES, then over time, you can learn to trust him again. It would be nice if you had a way to verify what he says, but that's not usually possible.

Do not feel bad for not trusting yet. It will take time for you to be able to trust him again.


IF he story doesn't sit right with you, do what I did and have a polygraph done. That'll get the truth out in a hurry. You can take that to the bank.

After the first few weeks when I was just always repeating the same questions I had asked before and was getting the same answers it got better.

Then I moved to a phase where if I wanted to know anything else or ask any new questions I would write them down. If I kep stewing on them (for a few days) I would ask.

It all depends on your timeline really but eventually you get to the stage where you focus on the future and leave the past in the past. That point comes at different times for everyone.

RU it takes time. I kept asking basically the same questions over and over...why...I didn't believe him, and at the beginning I think I was so emotional I didn't hear what he said. As I become less emotional I find it easier to not ask the same questions, there may be other questions tho that come to mind that I need answered. I also have found in my sitch my WH has come out of the fog and lieing stage as time passes.

Writing down the questions is a good way to really think about what you want to know, and to keep track of how often you've asked the same thing.

Others here have given good advice...when the story stays the same it's easier to start believing he's telling the truth.

Everyone says "How you feel is a choice".

So why do I feel so hurt and sad? I certainly don't want to.

His story really hasn't changed at all...but it was like pulling teeth to get the story out. Half answers and ambiguous answers were what I got until I finally got tired of it and said "give me all the specifics".

It's like it is on my mind 24/7...always on some level. It fills my mind and I hate it.

I agree, I could have written this MYSELF- good post!--
A time limit works we did it, we did 45 minuits. NOW how many months or years will it take to get the questions answered?maybe a time line limit? so as to make my life run smooth again?
HUH??

"How you feel" is not a choice. It just IS.

The truth may be different to how you feel.

You have to feel that way till you don't feel that way anymore.

Your WS can and MUST help you work through this without resentment on his part.

RU,

I support the idea of scheduling a time to ask the questions, and limiting the time.

I also agree that you should write your questions down, give them a week to "gel", and then weed out what you don't really want. The questions you want to know about sort of come and go, and the ones that are very important hang on and on. Save those for your talks.

If you stick to the rules of talking (I put some in my communication thread) you will find that the WS becomes much more willing and able to answer the questions, and feels a whole lot safer about doing it.

Take a look at the thread - body language and memory, something like that.

SB

I think this sentence sums it up for me.

Part of me just expects this to happen again. I feel I am steeling myself so it hurts less...even though I don't know for sure what will happen in the future. Will those feelings change, too?

I look at those flashing messages on the side of the MB screen:
I love you, but I'm not in love with you.
Too much has happened.
Etc...

In a way, I'm feeling those as a BS. When I found out about this, I think my "love bank" went way below zero.

Road,

IMO, I think it depends on how honest and thorough the WS is in answering the initial questions you asked. If they made a decision to leave out things "to protect" you from further pain, or if they out and out lie to you, well you are going to be uncertain for quite some time.

Also, as you begin to think more clearly and realize that some of the answers just didn't make sense, they you are going to re-ask some questions just to see if the answers change.

My FWH did a whole lot of leaving out information and just plain lying to questions I asked and then I would realize my gut was telling me that his answers didn't make sense. I had to really pester him for a long, long time to get answers, and honestly, I don't think I will ever be 100% sure that he did tell me the whole truth.

WHO

RU,

When you ask a question, two more questions can arise from the answer. That is why it is tough to determine a time and place when you don't have anymore questions.

Question and answer sessions are good where you have your questions and he answers them at a scheduled time.

Imvho being remorseful and repentant is giving the BS what they need to heal and that is RADICAL HONESTY.

If reliving this reminds him of the worst mistake and it is painful enough for him it may be a deterent in the future.

WOW, Who....you could be me!
I tried telling my H that ANY AND ALL lies, omissions, protecting, evading etc will come back to haunt us. Three months he put of a front, a farce, lying, omitting, etc.

It took me a good three years to come to a point of "calm."
I'm not 100% sure either - never will be, I think. I guess I can live with it.

RU, make sure you give him Joseph's letter.

RU,

Some couples write their questions and answers in journal style. It helps to keep love busting at bay.

Also, there is a pattern to the questions a BS asks. At first, it's about the details. The BS has a view or perspective of what the M had been and how she fit in the marriage according to her perspective. The A changes the BS's perspective of herself, the WS, and the M.

We ask details because we have to see how our perspectives in that time frame of the A compare with the reality of the A. Also, we may have to redefine our ideas of love, honor, sacrifice, etc based on those perspectives vs the A reality.

We had an idea of our place in the history of the M, only to find out that "what" we thought we were during the A time frame really wasn't "who" we were. In most cases as BS's, we were the faithful spouse with way more time, effort, and energy invested in the M and our families than WS. While we may have had a feeling something was "off", we didn't see how disjointed things truly were until dday and after.

Plus, the details give us the extent of the betrayal. These questions cover the shallow aspects of the A...the physical details and surface emotions the WS may have experienced.


But over a period of time, if the M is in true R and the WS is remorseful, the questions aren't as frequent. But they become deep...very deep. The BS will delve into the how's and why's of the WS's psyche. As in "how did you give yourself permission to violate your M vows" and "what is so different about you now that this won't happen again"?

It takes time and often many questions to get to the deep stuff so that an A doesn't happen again.

Thanks again RMJ.

I have not asked the first question in the "deep" ones you mentioned, but I have asked the second in a different way. "What are you doing differently so that another affair won't happen?" or "What are you doing to protect yourself from being tempted again?" All I'm getting for an answer is "It isn't allowed." and other forms of he's to keep his pants on. The only problem with that answer is that it has been given before...and he found reasons to have the affair anyway.

I do need to start a journal. I have a feeling it might help.

Thanks again.