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Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 167
J
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Posts: 167
I have a 10 year old daughter and a 16 year old son. How can I protect them as much as possible against the effects of divorce.

My wife and Is marriage recovery (after her affair 6 months ago) has taken a significant turn for the worse.

I am seeking advice but it looks like Plan B time at least but with a strong negative nfluences from her best friend and me out of the picture I figure OM back on the scene in days or weeks rather than months as by my wifes recent admission she is still attached to him and misses him more and more.

Divorce is now a real possibility.

Last edited by jet2112; 01/05/08 11:19 PM.
Joined: Jul 2001
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Hi, Jet. Sorry it's taken a turn for the worse.

There are a couple of things that are lynchpins in minimizing the harm divorce does to the children.

First, they need to know this is not their fault. They are old enough that they may "know" it logically but not yet have accepted it in their psyche.

Second, Mom and Dad still love THEM, just not each other. If your wife is acting like a dufus, you may not be able to say how their mother lvoes them in any believable way--especially to a teenager. Teens have super-sensitive Bull-S detectors. Just make sure you show you love them.

Third, do not put the kids in the middle. This is really hard. You want to tell the kids all the awful things she did so that they put the blame for the pain they are feeling squarely on her shoulders. However, if you do this, your kids will feel torn by conflicting loyalties. How would you feel if you were asked to choose between your parents? That's how it feels. I know because I'm a child of divorce myself.

Also, little things like saying "I never wanted this divorce" are very uncomfortable for children. I hated that one. Some people here will say that you should tell your children that, but having had a parent say that to me off and on for four years, I disagree.

Your kids are old enough to know the score. If I were in your shoes, I'd probably say how when you got married you planned on staying married forever. However, some problems arose between you and wife that you two haven't been able to solve.

Fourth, kids really like routine. Stick to a routine as much as possible. A routine provides structure, like the sun rising in the morning.

Fifth, it won't take long before the kids learn to use the divorce to manipulate you. Try to avoid this as much as possible. Also, with a teenage boy and a preteen daughter, I'd try to figure out a way to keep the lines of communication open between you and your STBX. I personally like email, but my ex likes the phone. Insist that the school keep both of you in the loop. Make sure you show up at school events and network with the parents of your kids' friends.

Don't be afraid to say no. Even if you end up a weekend dad, you're still Dad, not a playdate. Your children will know you love them by saying no.

Oh, and if you want time with them, establish a routine time together. One man I know said that Saturday nights everyone had to be at home for dinner. They were welcome to bring their friends, but from 5-7:30, they needed to be at home. This has served him well in their teenage years when they want to be with their friends 24/7.

Good luck.


Divorced.
2 Girls
Remarried 10/11/08
Widowed 11/5/08
Remarrying 12/17/15
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 167
J
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Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 167
Thanks.

Sadly I too am a child of a divorce and I agree and identify with everything that you have written.

The perspective it gives me is probably about the only positive thing to come out of my parents divorce.

For me it was a horrible time and i well remember being turned against my father by my mother who was obviously trying to punish him for his affairs.

For the time being my marriage has got another chance but Im glad to have discovered this forum just in case i need it and thank you once more for your help.

Joined: May 2000
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Don't rant and rave about your WS in front of the children.

Do your very best to work well with the WS on matters pertaining to the children. Be respectful to the WS in front of the children.

Remember that your children are learning how to treat others and you are the teacher. Boundaries are one thing. Ugliness and disrespect are another.

If you need a counselor, if one of the children needs a counselor, get one. And, if that one is not the right one, try another one.

Joined: Jun 2002
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Do NOT move out of the marital home.

Consult with an attorney regarding possible separation.

Be strong and decisive for your kids. They need you to make good decisions under stress which are in their best interest. Their mother's brain is in affair induced fog.

This is an ADULT issue. They have no concept at their age, regarding love and marriage. Explain things in terms that they can relate to.

Never use the kids as a go-between.

Don't make them choose sides.

Be prepared emotionally, if they DO choose sides.

Consult with an attorney. I know...that one's redundant. Do it.


ba109

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