My wife and Have been living together for almost 5 years, married for 2 and have a 2 year old daughter.
We were engaged for almost 2 years before marriage, we wanted to make sure of our feelings before making the bigger commitment. Were are very close even still there is a lot of love forech other, at least there aperars to be however;
About 16 months ago I was working 2 full time jobs, one was from 6am to 230pm the other from 330pm to 1200midnite that was mon-fri. I don’t have to tell you that it caused some emotion needs for both of us as well as physical needs. It only went that way for 8-9 months before my wife began working part time and I got a job that played double. So things between us stared to improve, we were able to spend more time together and it felt like a mirage again as opposed to being roommates.
The other night I was playing around with my wife’s cell phone. She had just gotten a new one and I was looking at its features. I noticed several calls (about 7 each direction) from earlier that day both too and from an 18 year old that she works with. I have heard his name before from conversations with my wife about work in general. I normally don’t have gut feelings or doubts in my wife, infarct this is the first time that I have ever had that sick feeling in my gut about her. So I asked her about it, initially she swore that they were just friends. I told her that it didn’t really feel good about the # of calls they had been making and told her that I didn’t like the idea of her and him being close friends. Then the next day I felt compelled to check her phone again this time I found the call log cleared and the text messages cleared. That clued me in that she was being evasive. So I went online and viewed the call activity on our bill, something ells that I had never done before and realized that she had been talking to him almost every day for about 3 weeks. I calmed myself down and asked her strait forward if she had been cheating. She got ticked called me names and denied everything other than them being friends. About an hour into our discussions she admitted that he had told her he has feelings for her, she even told me he had asked her what she would do if he kissed her, but she claimed she didn’t feel that way towards him. She told me she had told him she would turn away if he tried to kiss her and that she had no physical attraction to him. I pointed out that she kept talking to him after he admitted his crush and hid it from me and lied about it when I first asked her. I told her that it was the same thing in most people’s mind as having an EA. She still feels like she did nothing wrong and expects me to believe that her only intent was to be friends with him. She said she is un attracted to him and has no feelings towards him. My wife and this guy both work for her mother at her store. I asked her if she wanted her mom to know she said no. I don’t want her talking to him anymore and I don’t want them working together. She wants me to just drop it and assures me she won’t talk to him at work and will not lie. She said she doesn’t understand why I am so worried about it. She said I should Trust her. I know she was looking for attention because we are still healing in our relationship. I guess my question’s are; is it normal for me to doubt her honesty about her and him? Is it normal for her to be angry with me for having doubts? Am I being too nice by dropping it every time she gets mad at me for talking about things? Is it my fault for working too much and not fixing things fast enough? Should I be ok with them working together now? I feel like I am being played; am I?

I am very new to this myself but I would be concerned as well. My WH started his A with someone at work who just wanted to learn how to use the equipment at the gym. It stayed innocent for awhile but unfortunately did advance. The fact that she is now hiding the cell phone calls and texts is of concern to me. If it is truely and innocent friendship then what would she have to hide.

It won't be easy but I think you should continue asking her about them but be understanding as well. You need to make sure you continue to show her that you Love her and want to spend the time with her that you haven't been able to in the past. It sounds good that your jobs have now allowed you the time together that the two of you need.

I wish you the best in all of this, I know it can be a long painful road.

I guess my question’s are; is it normal for me to doubt her honesty about her and him? Is it normal for her to be angry with me for having doubts? Am I being too nice by dropping it every time she gets mad at me for talking about things? Is it my fault for working too much and not fixing things fast enough? Should I be ok with them working together now? I feel like I am being played; am I?

I think you are normal to have doubts. She may or may not be telling the truth, it may in fact be a younger boy has a crush on her and she finds it flattering. It may not be that simple. However with you telling her how uncomfortable you feel, you would certainly hope she would help calm your fears, stop all contact with him, etc.

I would continue checking the cellphone records, especially the text messaging. WITHOUT telling her you are doing that. Either get the proof things are more than she says or not.

Have you read the articles here? Meeting EN's and not LBing are very important, I would start doing that while keeping an eye on proving you are right or wrong.

How old are you and your W?

Most of the time you rarely get the full story. Her actions indicate that she is attracted to him. If the roles were reversed I doubt your wife would be as accepting as you.

Tac
this is a tough call.. with most men... they dont come on to a woman without an invitation..note how married women act around YOU..most donet even "see" other men.
BUT with 18 year olds.. THEY are sex nuts.. HE is getting permission to come on to her.. either from HIs internl training or from her..
unfortuantely todays culture give married woman the "right" to "play" and tease.. with an 18 year old that can be dangerous. How old is she ? what does being "friends" with a 18 year old mean any way? . Most married women would have blown him off after the kiss comment and he knows it.
only you can tell her personality..but her anger is a sign that she has something going on in her..
But dont push her...you have voiced your concern.. thats good
now is it possible to drop around her work for a legitimate visit.. when there ....check the "atomospher" between them
also your preesnce will let HIM know she has a husband.. its a bad sign if she gets pissed..
good luck. stay calm
jb

Do yourself a favor and tell your MIL. Your wife will be pissed, but it will keep this thing from going further. She may not be attracted to him, but likes the attention that he gives her and will be willing to engage sexually with him if feelings are allowed to develop. I would also have a talk with this twerp AND his parents to keep him away from your wife. I would push for MIL to get rid of this guy. Trust me, workplace EA's will continue to progress as long as they are in contact. Don't believe me, read my story. You need to take some strong action now.

She says that she doesn't anything wrong? Tell her that close relationships with members of the opposite sex that hurt your spouse and cause problems in your marriage are wrong. Compare it to dating other women without sleeping with them yet. Cheating is not limited to the physical act.

Ok so we are working on things. She now at least can admit how it could look to someone else, also she has shown me though our recent discussions and interactions that she understands how important trust is and how what she did affected my trust in her. She is claiming that things didn’t go very far and I just don’t know what to make of it all.
I looked at the details’ of our phone bills and noticed 125 texts between them in the last 4 days before I confronted her. Many of which occurred when I was asleep in bed with her late, late at night. 7 calls in the same 4 days for a total of 4.5 hours of talking. And then it stops after the confrontation. Does this mean she is done? Or just smarter than me? Should I stop being so dam suspicious or should I just keep taking my notes and trying to build our relationship back up….?
I want to tell her Mom but I don’t want to be put in a place that I can be accused of blowing things up. Her mom has a bad track record with marriage, she has been married 3 times and is a self proclaimed man hating bit##. (Her own words, not mine).
We still show a lot of love towards each other both physically and emotionally. We also just found out she is preg. again. I feel much trapped in my world and just unsure of what’s happening.
Also she is 25 I am 26 to answer that Question for some one.

WW claims there is no attraction and that nothing physical happened. It is most likely true because you caught your WW early enough in the start of her EA.

There needs to be NC between your wife and the OM. If not the EA will restart which in most cases leads into a PA.

This is why your WW needs to quit her job. There can't be NC if they are working
together.

If your WW refuses NC then you must expose her. Do not use exposure as a threat, or give prior warning of you using it.

Tac
I asked how old you both are
to get an idea of her attitude toward an 18 y.o.
Can you get into marriage counseling ???.its really worth having a professionals opinion and support.. also look at some books ...."his needs her needs" "men are from mars etc. or get others on thsi website to make recommendations.. I cant emphasize how differently men and women think and react to things
it is also scary at how women can just stumble into affairs.. there is a webiste womensinfidelity that has a lot of stories about why women cheat..BUT its a scary site..because some women are very frivolous about it
i want you to take seroius action BEFORE your wife dose something hurtful
but get a counselors opionin.. ask her What she is gtting from this frienship that she is missing from YOU.. also the duration and number of phone calls is WAY To much.
bUT you dont have to get all gang busters on her...show your love, tell her, go slow
jerseyboy

Thank you for your support and advice. Counseling is the path I want to go down but she is not very into that idea, she is however going to talk with her mom about having the OM removed from the picture. So she has decided to expose herself little, it kind of makes me feel better knowing that she is starting to see how what she did is actually wrong. She keeps telling me that she is sorry for messing everything up, and that she really doesn’t want our relationship to end. I keep telling her that I love her and want to work through things and that I really think things can be fixed between us if we both really want them to be. I know she is eventually going to come around and agree to some pro marriage counseling. It is very true how Men and Women think differently, she honestly rationalized what she was doing as ok to hide and too do, and she also honestly loves me and was not trying to cheat. Thank you for the suggestive readying it was scary but it also helped me see how not to make it worse with my reactions towards her.
The last thing I want to do now is react in a nonobjective and insensitive way and push the two of us further apart.

tac
support your wife in this removal of OM...there may be some anger on his part.. and gilt tripping of her by him..it IS the best thing for your marriage. ands while he may be pissed at losing his job HE ISNT innocent.. and he knows it..its small; price for him to pay..
stay close to your wife
JB

I defiantly don’t feel bad for him he is 18 currently has a GF and was getting attention from my beautiful wife. Anyone who is in a relationship with one person then pursues someone else who is also involved deserves what they sew. As far as losing his job goes, again he is 18 and making less than 8$ an hour working like 20 hrs a week. Lives with his parents ECT. On the other end of things , my MIL is a very strong wiled person who my wife fears in many respects, the mere fact that she has announced a willingness to talk to her and “turn herself in” to her Mom shows me more than any other way, how dedicated she is to making things right. Things changed after my post last night, I placed the cell logs in her lap then left the room. I’m sure the fact that the bill was over 90$ alone didn’t leave her feeling very good. She then came to me and laid herself on the line so to speak. She dropped her 100% innocent routine and admitted that she liked talking to him because she liked feeling liked. She said she hid it from me because she knew I would not like her talking to him. I told her that I want to be able to just take what she says and trust her, and if we try to work things out I will be able to again. She wanted to know what I wanted to do to “work on it”, that is when I told her to stop working with him, I think I said “I know you are not talking to him any more on the phone but the thoughts of you two working together are too much for me to take and something needs to change for us to make it through this. I think you need to either Quit or tell you Mom to get rid of him”. Then I showed her some of the lit. I was reading about marriages and affairs, after about an hour of looking though it she came into the room and teary eyed, told me that she had not thought what she was doing was really cheating because it wasn’t physical, but now she can see that what she did was dangerously close to something worse, and very much falls into the emotional afare category. I am still very much a bundle of nerves right now but if she can handle it being exposed and can handle NC then I can work on finding and filling her EN’s and I’m optimistic that we can fix things. I really want to say thank you to everyone posting on the MB boards reading your experiences is honestly keeping me in a relatively cool headed state of mind. You are giving me just enough hope to keep myself from love blocking. I really can see from everyone here that supportiveness and understanding yet assertiveness and cold truths really do increase the chances of survival.

Tacman,
Its excellent that your wife seems to "get it" now, and bodes very well for your recovery. Another excellent book that the two of you could read is called "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass. I think it would have some very applicable information as to how you can erect and maintain good marital boundaries.

That being said, I think you should be present for the conversation she has with her mom. The purpose of that is a) to keep her honest in your story and b) to show her emotional support by being with her during the admission.

Also, if you have access to the guys GF, you can tell her he was hitting on your wife. She may just dump him, but she may also make him quit and keep him away from your wife.

tac
whats happening ?
jb